My 12-year-old son has had ADHD obviously since birth. You could tell when he was an infant he was so unique and different from other babies (in good ways and bad). In school, he makes excellent grades and has good relationships with his peers and teachers. His main problem as for school is forgetfulness and disorganization. However, it is like he reserves his pent up energy for home. He talks so fast about his day and what happened at school that you have to slow him down! The major problem we have dealt with is his anger if something doesn't go exactly perfect. When he was in grades 1-3, I would catch him throwing away test papers that were less than 95! I would ask him about why he didn't want to keep them and he flat out told me that the grades below that were "bad." The funny part is that we, his parents, never asked for excellent grades, although they are nice. We always stressed to both our sons that as long as we know they are trying, we can deal with a lower grade. Video games are another example. If he doesn't score perfectly on a certain game, he gets angry and throws the controller or hits his little brother just for being there beside him. That behavior is not acceptable and of course we took him to a mental health professional to teach him that nobody is perfect. While he knows this, he, doesn't know how to deal with the emotions when he does let himself down. He is and always has been his own worst enemy. He gets it honest. I am the same way to myself and there is no doubt that I've had to seek help in learning how to deal with this so I can set a good example for him.
The problem? Because of my son's anger, my mother-in-law asked me if I "did drugs or something while I was pregnant?" Not only does this hurt my feelings, but it has and is still causing me to be resentful of her and I don't want my kids to pick up on my feelings if they already haven't. Another problem is the fact that she said this to me a couple years ago--right after he was diagnosed. She does not believe in ADHD and is an L.P.N. It is enough that a family has to deal with their child having this disorder, but to not be supported is not helping any. And yes, two years after the fact, I still can't get this off my mind. I don't think of this all the time, but I can't help but wonder why she would say such a thing. See, her son is not my son's natural father, but he is the only father my son has known since he was 7 months old. My husband adopted him when he was only 2 and we had another son together a few years later. My MIL has never showed a difference between the two boys so I just don't know if it is her lack of understanding ADHD or her just being plain mean-spirited. She comes from a background of spousal abuse and she makes it clear that her childhood was not very good in the fact that she wasn't one of her mother's favorites and they were poor growing up. I, on the other hand, was the first of 3 kids who never went without basic needs and sometimes wants. Our parents were older when they had us and made it clear that they waited so they could ensure a good future for us. We had some hard times though like many families, but we always came through and I think it was because of our closeness which is something she did not have.
Sorry for the length of this letter, but since I obviously have an issue with this, should I ask her why she would ask me such a thing or just try and forget about it. I think my biggest reason for holding on to it is the fact that I want her to be educated about this disorder. Maybe I'm asking for the impossible. Maybe I want her to change and that is wrong out of me, but I just feel paralyzed by her asking such a thing. When she asked, I told her the truth which was that I had a very stressful pregnancy because my husband left me during my 5th month of pregnancy and he never came back. I was only 19. He was also born a month early. I also told her that the ADHD can make anger issues worse because of all the energy they have and the impulsivity. I even asked her what she would do if it were her. Of course the answer was a good "butt busting." I was only trying to include her, plus I wanted her help. My kids spend a lot of time visiting her and its important we work together on this. It is about the child and not us, or at least its supposed to be Any advice?
My MIL has ignored my 10yo DD almost since birth, so we ignore her. Neither of my kids is alloowed to go on trips with her, or even to the movies. If one cannot go then neither of them can IMO. I have also told my MIl to back off about DD's ADHD, it is NONE of her business.
Is your DS on med? Been evaluated by a Psych?
I agree, Ignore her. It is her ignorrance that is the problem. Because of my childhood and abuse I let my son spend a limited amount of time with her and he told me he doesn't like her cause she makes him be perfect(I know the feeling). He has always put pressure on himself as well to have perfect work and scores and it is just this year that he is going to be doing poorly but passing in school. He refuses his meds and has very High anxiety so I keep him away from my mom cause she exahcerbates the problems. It is not your fault.We took him to a psychiatrist who we later found out enjoyed handing out medications like they were candy. He had him on three medications at the same time and when I talked to his pediatrician several months later, who happens to be the one who referred him there, she had also heard this and had cut of all ties with him. Each time we would go, I would insist that they give him some type of therapy so he would ask him a question about how he handles a situation that makes him mad and my son would always minimize the situation and I'd hear, "well it sounds like you are doing the right thing." I should have taken the time to report the fact that to the state medical board that he was only interested in medicating the children.
Thanks for your advice on ignoring, however, it is hard when husband thinks she does no wrong and she is our only alternative for childcare on certain days. And believe me, I ran out of other options due to all of our siblings living out of town. My husband will not deal with this...and tells me if I have a problem with MIL, that I am the one who should deal with it because of course, she did nothing wrong. I sound stupid for putting up with it and then repeating it on here, but oh well, I had to discuss it with other people who obviously know what I'm dealing with. Thanks all.