What has ADHD cost you? | ADHD Information
For me, and our family, ADHD is like... a bill. We had to pay a huge amount for a few years, and we're still paying on it. Worse than a credit card.For years, we went to all the doctors and psychs and our family was no help at all.. and then my husband and I started to turn on each other. He though our son should be punished one way, I thought another, neither one of us was doing enough or trying hard enough.
Now that the ADHD has been diagnosed, we're on the med roller coaster, a different script every other week and nothing that works. So here we are at it again... it never ends.
I was just wondering if we're the only ones. If it was normal to want to cry about.. wanting to do something, but knowing that you've tried so hard that you don't think there's anything else you can try. It's gotten to the point where I want to have a tubal ligation, to make sure that I don't ever have any more kids.. not because I'm afraid the child will have ADHD, but because I don't want to bring another child into this.... mess that no one seems to be able to fix.
Am I the only one that feels this way?
You are n ot the only one feeling that way. It is like a rollercoaster you can't get off of and I feel guilty sometimes about wanting to get off. After asking 100 times my son said his meds(that he won't take) do not make him ill. Yesterday at the new doctors office he told him they did. I don't even know if he knew what he was saying. He told the doc his stomaches and head aches aka anxiety started when he took the meds and it has been going on 1 full year before that. I don't know what to think. You are not alone and I feel for you!
Yes, the relief that comes with diagnoses is short- lived isn't it? Then you realize the battle has just begun as you start in on various treatment plans.
You're right, it doesn't ever end, but it does get better. You will eventually find the med/ treatment that works for your son and when you do it will all have been worth it. There will still be bad days, but there will be more good days.
How are you and your husband doing now? If you're still at odds over this than I'd suggest counseling. You really need to be on the same page, especially when it comes to disciple.
And you know, when we were going through the dx process with our son the subject of more kids came up. We'd been going back and forth about whether or not to have a third. Neither of the first two were actually planned, so it seemed a little novel to discuss it prior to it happening. But adhd did come up in the conversations- my husband let me know in no uncertain terms that we couldn't even consider that as a factor. The decision had to be made based on what we wanted, not what might happen. I have to agree. I know you couldn't possibly consider having another child at this point in your life, but I'd urge you not to do anything permanent- things change.
I have to say that my friends parents had the best answer for the "why have more kids" question. My friend is the oldest of 4, has adhd, and was a "difficult" child. As an adult she asked her parents why they had more kids and the answer was that they had to prove that it wasn't their parenting skills that caused her act the way she did.
I have to say, looking at it as a bill is a great analogy (why didn't I think of that
). The emotional toll is enormous. Just dealing with having the ADD is bad enough in itself, but when it causes the friction in relationships, and the difficulty with finding a halfway decent doc, the meds, the side affects... Don't get me started on the "Gift of ADD" myth!,000 so far. The bleed ended when the school was forced to provide services, and the stress went down exponentially. I suggest you focus on getting services from the school. From your post about expulsions, I suspect they are 80% of the problem.Things are a little better, but, (and I don't know WHY on earth I thought this) not the 'sigh of relief' I thought it would be. I kept reading "Once my child was diagnosed and medicated the world was a better place" sort of stuff. And I thought things would atleast be 50% better starting off.
We're not really fighting about discipline anymore, we have all the ADHD lit and are following most of the discipline recommendations to a T (there are a few wacko ones that I don't think will do anything). We figure that if professionals think it will work, then it must.. and it is a little.
Our biggest struggle now is the school thing. It's not making anyone any happier. My husband is upset that our youngest is being robbed of his "only child" time (being the only child home for 7 hours of the day), we're upset that he keeps getting kicked out of school and nothing we or any one else is saying is making any difference. not to mention the constantly changing meds, .. (he was just switched to Concerta 36 from 27)
It's one problem after another.. and I'm whining now. :) But, it makes it a little better to know that there are other people struggling, and it's not all roses and daisies like I've read about.
I think a costly part of ADHD has been the guilt that I passed this on to one of my children and the sense of mourning for the hopes and dreams you have when you hold your child for the first time and you think, "I want everything to go well for my child." The issues have been many. ADHD doesn't make things easy for your child, it guarantees issues with learning and issues with interpersonal relationships. My wife and I have spent an incredible amount of time focusing on the issues and doing our best to help him, help ourselves and make sure that our son finds ways to succeed.
My son also has Transient Tic Disorder, which further hurts his self esteem and has only added to the ADHD issues with learning. My son is about to turn 10 and the tics are now starting to be far fewer, longer between episodes (up to three months without when the longest before was four weeks). At times the tics are what really, and I mean really, hurt. When others are looking at your kid or you see him shaking his head, blinking etc...all you want to do is make it better, but you can't. Add some of the interpersonal ADHD issues and it can really make a person's heart ache.
Financially, ADHD and tics are incredibly expensive. Copays, prescriptions, tutors, etc.... I don't care much about the expense, but when my wife and I set him up for Sylvan Learning this summer the cost was ,000, and it hurt! Today, I can tell you it was the best money I have spent. I think things get easy as the kids get older and their brain and neurological systems mature. What my son had missed or not clearly understood through 3rd grade as a result of the ADHD and tics was going to only cause significantly more issues in the future. Thanks to Sylvan he started 4th grade having been through and mastered all the math and with a significant increase in reading skill and reading comprehension. He is a self starter now...something he was not before. He is actually at 4th grade level and what amazes me most...he was so concerned and tired of struggling that he embraced the 230 hours during the summer. Prior to Sylvan, homework was the most painful part of ADHD (arguments, tantrums, crying, horrible self-esteem, etc). We chose to go outside because of the incredible stress and pain it was causing inside the home. Sylvan uses a token/reward system which my son embraced totally and unconditionally. lol...this sounds like a commercial, but I can't say enough for how much better our home life is now. His self-esteem is way up, which I also think has seriously helped him to feel better and less impulsive with anger (simply -- he isn't angry like he use to be from school). It has been nice to replace anger and frustration with pride. Last year he wrote in a school excercise that he "wished I as smart." I think he feels smart now because he isn't struggling. What an amazing difference!!!!!!
cambec39393.476400463Hi Mandia,
I just read your post on another thread and was thinking .... Have you posted the medications you've tried and the effects here? I have learned a lot about the medications from this forum, including something that our psych did incorrectly (prescribing Strattera at too high of a dose). Maybe someone will have an idea about what could work or why it isn't working for your son.
Just a thought.
Joy2
You're definitely not the only one!
DS has been diagnosed for 4 years and medicated for 3 and it seems like at least twice a year there is a build up to a major crisis that requires us to shift meds and he almost gets kicked out of school. I'm really struggling to keep him in private school b/c I think he will get much better and closer attention than in the public school system (plus we live in a pretty bad area of the school district) but it seems like he is self-sabatoging, even though I know he really can't help himself.
Additionally, my DH has been "self-employed" for the last 3 years which means I am the only one with a regular income, which puts added strain on everyone, never having enough money, not able to afford a good therapist for DS, even if we *could* find one and I had to pick up a 2nd job to help keep everything going and have even less time for home stuff.
Sorry to get into a pity party, it's been a while since I posted, but DS just got sent home from school today and will be seeing the school counselor for the next 6 weeks (ie if he can't turn it around, they will kick him out and we will lose the remainder of our tuition, this is the first step in that process). So I am starting to frick out again.
Thanks for listening.
It's such a roller coaster and there is no way to get off. During the bad times I have fantasies of just getting in the car and driving away or sending him off to a boarding school. Isn't that how people used to deal with their difficult kids
? An all-summer sleep-over camp sounds fabulous, too (except that our kids would be homesick and having anxiety attacks within hours, making it FAR more stressful for us than for any other parents 
.)Once you find the right medication, it can make all the difference in the world -- it has for us -- but the trip between here and there can be harrowing. Wonder how many marriages have ended because of the stress of an ADHD child ....
Joy2
< =text/>_popupControl(); ADHD has cost me peace of mind. I thought that after raising my oldest for 8 years, a second child would be easy, aside from dealing with personality differences. Wrong! I worry more now than I ever did when dealing with school systems the first time. I worry about his social development, I worry about him being stereotyped by other adults, ...I just worry.
But what ADHD has given me is a reminder to be vigilant about protecting my son's "normalcy." I refuse to let him be labeled or pigeon-holed by the school in any way. It also reminds me daily to always be on my son's side. Sometimes that means I have to make decisions for his best interest that he doesn't like, but he knows that I'm always in his corner. And ADHD has definately kept him from being over-looked as a second child!! There's no forgetting him!!
Whoa!! I certainly understand the stress and emotional rollercoaster - we have spent thousands on evals and shrinks and counseling. And our marriage has suffered. And we don't see an end in sight.
But, ADHD kids have amazing strengths that can take them places many other people cannot go. For instance, my son thinks completely out of the box. He questions authority, and challenges it, he asks why for everything. He is gifted, but cannot manage his focus to do much with it now. But he'll always have drive, energy, and he will never be a sheep, always an independent thinker. If channelled in the right direction, all ADHD kids can aspire to great things.
Also, when I get to that point of frustration, I try to gain perspective. I look at other peoples problems and count my blessings. I don't mean to discount your pain, and your feelings, they are intense like mine. But it really helps to step outside of our issues and see the positive. If it helps you, as it does me, then great. If not, please don't take this as an insensitive lecture.
I think that one reason people come here -- at least I do -- is to be able to say things that aren't PC about raising children. It's like therapy for me to be able to say, hey, sometimes things really suck at my house and I'd like to just leave. I don't leave, and I usually have a happy face for the outside world, but it's great to have a place to come and say, "I'm so frustrated that I feel like crying." It may only last a few hours or a day, but those times are really intense. Also, some kids' ADHD is more severe than others and causes much more emotional disruption and pain to their families.