The magic moment... | ADHD Information
[QUOTE=roneydapony] Go take a bubble bath, read a book, get a mani/pedi or something to relax you! [/QUOTE]WOW.. I wish I could do that! Most of the time, I can't leave the house, and if I do, my cell phone has to be tied to my hip just in case there's a melt down with my son. And, it never fails. I can't go grocery shopping without a phone call asking me to come home. I can't get a babysitter because no one in their right mind would babysit my son, and my husband.. god bless him.. tries so hard, but he's not as compassionate or has as much patience as me. He just doesn't know what to do when he's alone with the kids. It's hard for ANY mom to take a time out and have an uninterupted bath, or even go get a haircut... super hard for me! intense! What does he melt down about? He surely can't be so bad that noone will babysit him!! What about sending him to an a.d.d. camp..i worked at a camp specific to kids with a.d.d. and autism and it was great! Have you tried talking to a psychologist or someone who deals with meltdowns? lets hope the meltdowns lessen as he matures! Hey now, I'm still looking for that magic moment and I'm 19! but, it does get better!!!!! At 10 kids are cliquey and scary... but by the time we grow up friendships change, there's a group for everyone! I think you should focus on the positive. It's CRAZY to try to be supermom. You kids know that you love them and that's what matters. Somehow you've gotten stuck with people who don't understand a.d.d at all.... you can tell your son 80 times to remember his glasses, he just may not. He's a kid! It's ok! These administrators should be HELPING YOU!!!!!!!! Why aren't they looking at what's going on and trying to find solutions? Maybe he can't make it through the whole group without disrupting, but if the effort has increased he should be rewarded. Maybe you are 5 minutes late, I know that if my mom was late I let my mind wander and occupied the time quite productively actually! Think of it as boosting his creativity, not being late. PS 5 minutes? Seriously! It sucks that the people who are supposed to be supporting you are making you feel worse! Go take a bubble bath, read a book, get a mani/pedi or something to relax you! I'm sure you're doing an amazing job..... even if you can't see it! We're all human, we can only do so much! You clearly have good intentions and that's what matters!
< =text/>_popupControl(); It seems like the world of parenting has really shifted since I was a kid. I'm over 40, and while my family life was pretty good (what kid doesn't remember various grievances??), my parents spent very little time with us playing or talking. Parents now are really judged (come on, we all do it) by others based on how much time and money we spend with and on our children. Maybe that's what's got kids kind of screwed up now and is to blame for that sense of entitlement that so many young people have. "How can my boss not see how valuable I am? My mom always said I was the smartest kid in town." No one wins when parents focus only on their children, especially not the children and definately not the parents.
Take care of yourself so that you can better care for your children.
zjmom - who said you have to be a supermom? You can only do so much. Our kids take more time than other kids. You should see my house sometimes.
Sometimes dealing with my son exhausts me and I wish I could afford a maid. Unfortunately, that is not to be and I still have to work everyday, manage him, manage the house, manage my dad's business, and manage my own sanity.
Sometimes you have to just let it all go. You son is the most important thing in your life and if something else has to be put on the back burner, so be it.
Never feel imcompetent - you are doing everything you can with a situtation that is just not your control - your son did not ask for ADHD and your parenting did not cause it.
wow
i like youre positive eexpectations
do you prompt him to do them and reinforce with positive attention and rewards.
use leverage to get them to do it and positive attention and reward to connect the activity to doing it on thier own .
and even as important a non judgmental conversation about 2ndary feelings about why he is or is not doing what youre prompting. and some ideas from you both on what he can try so as he feels better/ postive at trying to attempt new behaviors
leverage like if you find a new friend youll do his homework for a week
but dont tell him hell have to show you how to do it and that hell have to copy it in his hand writing - at the time you want him to do copy it.
well thier just ideas -
if hes compliant for a whole week you will take in cookies for the whole class.
you know double reward hes good they get candy he gets positve attention
mom gets a chance to see friends at school and sees which parents to approach about a sleep over or homework buddy
immediate rewards to practice expectations
big rewards for practices made on his own
pick your battles get him used to you being 80% positve attention
so when hes gott a bad strech going you can be his crutch then make his behavior the only way to get your positive attention
sorrry that wasnt clear 20% negative 50% positve 30% ignore when hes not trying
make the environments that hes wasting time in part of you negative leverage.
talk through his shows on the phone . find bad perfume he hates to wart off negative attention seeking behavior.
omg i do that on my unit i got this old torn up jacket it smell like oil, gas,and
rotten pasta. when i get the kids being hyper-critical or gatheriing in goups of thugs i put on the jacket prompt for better outcomes and get within proxcimity of thier noses one they focus on me instead of whats in thier minds
50% of the time it works just walking down the hall.
even though i consider it negative proximity its my leverage to prompt for positive outcome. other staff pick up on it and give the positve reinforcement even as they contiue to put me down - then i clock out and thier not at eachother as much cause they were focusing on my jacket . its the ole " get enemies to agree on anything routine" invites a chance form them to laugh at me. then i have other things i do to get my respect back like dress up real nice talk about an interview with an IT department or thing they want to be
when thier adults
uh i got off subject agian sorry
my four year old will use negative attention to get me to let her play out side
what she really wants is to play with others .
i go out on the porch sit thier like a wooden indian and she gets mad still no one to play with .
i tell her be visible to the other kids and they will come
she gets mad i ignore her
i go in the front yard she followss i still ignore unless shes positve
i have old torn up things in the yard that kids play with but not worth stealing.
she looks around for playmates play with things a potential playmate she spies is playing with and i give positve gestures and big accepting eyes and smile.
usually the kids gravitate pas her front yard when they do i ask her if she wants to go in the back for some snacks well you would think i hollard out free candy or something they ask me if they can play and i say youll have to ask her .
so they run out back expecting treats hmmm
i wait till they play a little first and reward the kids and her for playing positively with snacks and jokes and even some new toys
but when i get one of those hyper kids thats means and says mean things .
i put on my jacket and start handing rule after rule but keep alot of sugar free hard candies in my pocket
look me in the eyes = candy
dont run on the steps = candy
take a break = candy
show us how to do something - but talk slow enough for us to see it work = candy
i get out the talking stick when thers a motor mouth around and get out a fables book and get them to eat thier snack and play a turn based game .
i even get a tug of war rope out sometimes when a hyper kid is bigger than the girls its not long that one of his peers comes along and manages him for me as i listen to what promts work on him.
i teach these prompts to her to use at school for her to use on hyper classmtes.
well its not perfect but for only child we have alot of friends
it give me the chance to pull aside when she got poor behavior and instill time away and space from whats making her upset. i got alot of manipulators buzzing around her and one of the yard rules is crying is to done on the porch alone with no talking the little mean girl hates this but i process her too -
why are you crying really
well when stop crying you can tell me what you really want - ignore
reward her with sugar free hard candy when she says she wants everyone to play hopscotcjh and i send her home to get the chalk and tell her just play it and see if the others will want to if not then then maybe jump rope - or tug of war over the chalk squares
kids attention spans are as low as mine so eventually in the two or threes hours we play outside in the sunlight the play everything in the yard then i make them all put it away go in eat, take a bath , get things ready for tommorow . read books put her to bed , and then i go to work on third -
to deal with juvinile delinquints that defy rules but even there it comes down to an equation in my mind
60% structure
20% routine
10% prompt
5% intervention - redirection
4% positve attention - proximity- reward
1% positve alternate staff - time and space
things is for me going up adhd i
if i didnt have other people pushing me along through the routine i would get comfortable doing nothing comfortably frustrated
but when my brothers and friends dragged me along i felt better and started doing thing to avoid the isolation
i see now how isolating a child now should only be done in a negative format - time- out and such for a short period this makes kids not want to be alone or quiet. even then after an outburst or poor choice or offense . an adult is helpful to do the interview about thier feelings and what were the smaller feeling they feeling prior to thier time out. cause it give te kids the chance to save face and say what they will do next time theyfeel those small feeling growing into anthor poor choice . as i bring them back from time out i use hand gesture to review the better choices and even teach tolerence and forgiveness to those whom are positve.
i hope it doesnt sound like im telling you what to do or that youre not doing these things already in your own way . im just sharing my experiences .
its kind of like the ole say feed a man a fish and he survives another day but teach him to fish and he may survive into the future . or something like that.
if i may get overly complicated for a minute .
i live in a hood
poor
all we can do in our community is lock up criminals for a week or two and thier back.
so i use a new tactic i find the youth and process them.
i find out if thier evil and direct them to church or the churchs people to them.
i find out if thier incourageable and and notice if thier family is an influence
to head off trouble with family intervention when rival tension is around
.
i keep in contact with temp work groups and thier fees i get a little money from
youth organiztions to foward to these temp work finders to help them make ligitamate money and adult contacts especially the hardcore manipulators .
i in my own opinion feel like for every manipulitve thug i get to turn to church or the workforce is twenty more young adults that arent as hard to turn from thier destuctive ways.
i was approached once by a major gang leader to back off one of his boys .
i scared me out of my mind to get a gun pinted at me .
i froze and said yes
i saw him agian and approached him and was drawn down on again by the same boy were .
i told the leader "heres 0" and put up the two hundreds towards him .
i said " this is for the ones you dont want so you dont have to shoot them"
after they all laughed i gave the boy the money and two hundred cards of the martial art school i spar in .
so far over two years three boys have came in with those cards .
i suspect bi-polar/adhd odd they dont know what to do with them either.
so get them to understand that were there always and we want them to be with us and i work on their feelings and two of them are turning towards thier family.
its not a very rewarding risk to take . but those that would be their victims in my nieghbor hood probably are being robbed rather than battered .
in my opinion
so wether its in my yard.
on my street
in my nieghborhood
on my unit i work on
theres this one thing that one thing i keep in my mind
positve attention rewards are as strong as manipulation.
removing someone from what triggers them is equal to positive attention
so after all ive spelled out i begin to wander where are these kids parents.
but i know the answer the love them and are worried sick wondering where they are.
so i bagan to think of my training where were this kids parents when he decided for himself that he could get more out negative attention than positive attention.
i kid you not i was mean evil person that well hmm
an old man got a hold of me a mason grabbed me hard and said why arent you doing your best . as i walked away cursing him i heard him say act like a diamond shine like one . live like a thug and ill carry you when youre dead.
a friend of one of my uncles - why i staightened out im not really sure
its somehow the people around use that we get our attention that we need.
so i see nothing wrong with a parent micro managing a childs environment.
ommas39393.2980324074
When someone finds that magic moment, could ya let me know? Ya know, the moment your son comes home and says, "mom, I don't know who to play with after I finish my homework - thought you were going to have to pester me for hours to get it done, didn't ya. Anyway, Billy wants me to come over, but Josh and Adam asked me to go play baseball at the park, and the other guys down the street are having a pool party and invited me. I have so many friends I don't need to hang out with the boy down the street, remember the one I hung out with 'cuz he was one of the only friends I had but he always got me in trouble and got other kids mad at me at school. He made me cry, mom...remember? By the way, I was picked first for science group and PE. The teacher gave me a prize from the box today because I was cooperative in group today, didn't call anyone names or hit anyone, and handed in all my homework - I even alphabetized it. The teachers were especially kind and patient with me today, checked my agenda like they're supposed to and waited for me to write everything down. Oh, and Mrs. Principal said to tell you thanks for all the calls and follow ups with my behavior issues - she's glad to help. Whew! Well, better get going, no sense in wasting time!"
It's been one of those days I guess. 
Why can't people see my son for all the unique, bright qualities he has. My heart is breaking right now. 
I know it will get better and I don't get on here as often as I used to (only have internet at work, and I had to come in tonight to get caught up on some stuff), sure helps reading others posts to deal with things and get new ideas.
Thanks! 
Hi zjmom, I think we all here know how you feel. We gather strength being on these boads. It breaks my heart reading your post. I know it all too well. We all do here.
Is your son on meds? I know that once we got the right one and dose, every thing changed. I saw my son's true personality. The ADHD really got in his way and other's who judged him.
We all still dealing with days every now and then, but it has gotten better. I know how much it hurts us!
Please come to these boards when you neet to. We are here for you!! It is a wonderful place for all of us. Very healing!
I wish I could set up a huge play date for all our guys to come over and play!
My son is also 10! Hang in there!!
Thanks for all the responses and suggestions. There are times I just feel like I'm not capable of being that "super mom" who is so totally organized - her house , her work (I own my own business), her daily life, and of course the 11 yr old - gee, that shouldn't be so hard should it? I get subtle and not so subtle hints here and there that my life is chaotic. Ya know, it's just not so. I grew up in a caring home, loved school, pretty much a very compliant (Ok, except for a year or two in h.s.) kid. My parents didn't spend "quality" time with me daily, were not involved much with the school, and they didn't run around in circles getting it all done because, well, we really didn't do a whole lot. They were tired after work. Now days, if you're not on the ball, I feel like the counselors, dr's, teachers, etc. look at you like - "No wonder your kid is the way he is! You were 5 minutes late picking him up from school today and you didn't sit with him the whole 1/2 hour while he practiced his guitar lessons at home on April 11, 2004. And remember October 15th, 1999? You let him forget his glasses all morning and didn't bring them to school until after lunch!!!" I HATE FEELING INCOMPETENT!!!
In answer to BETHANN's question - Yes, my son takes 60 mg strattera and 1/2 pill Tenex in the am (we've also tried adderall, concerta, daytrana and clonidine). It's not so much the ADHD issue...but everything always recycles back to it, so... yeah, in a way it is. There are days I feel like my child comes home with holes all over his clothes from being picked apart and analyzed (sp?) for the tiniest of infractions.
Need to get back to work - thanks again for the listening and shoulders to cry on! 
We hit that magic moment last year (5th grade) for my youngest. She can actually do he homework at a friend's house occasionally now. THe 4 hour homework fights, slammed doors, "I hate you"s have been gone for quite some time. It seems like it was not real, but we lived it. Not everything is perfect but that is not what I wanted anyway. I just wanted sanity and calm. I got sanity but not calm, which is OK because the lack of calm is all the kids that come to our house after school now. She still needs lots of social skills coaching, but it is great that she has friends to practice on.
My son's social, school and home life greatly improved on meds. He decided to stop them 2 weeks after going on them because he thinks he can go this alone. I am terrified. We are working with a therapist who has a good relationship with him but we are nowhere near getting him to take his meds. I see a lifelong battle ahead and do what I can to catch him doing good. This seems to help. I have to be the social person for him right now (and I am not social) so it is getting hard. Plus he has so much homework he has no time to play on school days. Breaks my heart. He is involved in cub scouts which has helped in the friend area a bit and wants to play baseball come next season. We will see.