Need help holding it together! | ADHD Information

Cali,

I know how you feel. I spent every day before he was diagnosed crying about something related to him, and since he's been diagnosed, it's been no different. We've gone through 2 different scripts of Ritalin, are on our second script of Concerta and if that doesn't help this week we're going to go to a 5th script of something else... which the doc is pretty sure we're going to have to do.

Between getting suspended from school, to trying to discipline him, to not sleeping because he's not sleeping well... I'm still crying all the time.

I just make sure that it's not where he can see me. I don't care who else sees me, but I don't let him see me. If he's home and I feel like crying about something, I go to the bathroom.. anywhere he can't see me break down.. He gets to see me be strong, and I still get to cry it out once and a while.

How do you do it? My 5 year old son got diagnosed recently, in which it was a long time coming. He did 2.5 mg. of Ritalin once a day, and it worked great. Last week or so of school, it seems he is back to his old self, so we are trying a new med, 5 mg. of FocalinXR tomorrow. Today I got a call 5 minutes into Kindergarten. My son "stabbed" a classmate with a pencil in the back. The girl is okay, it didn't even require a trip to the nurse, and she wasn't upset. Still the fact its not okay. They said they are recommending a 1/2 day at home suspension. My first reaction was "what is he going to get from that? He has already missed 3 days of school for appts. But, I realize the school needs to do it, and I'm okay with that. I can hardly hold it together. I am so emotional, I cried for 10 minutes in the office with the principal, I've cried on the phone, I even cried at a grocery store when I ran into his former preschoool teacher a few weeks ago. He had undiagnosed problems in preschool , so a flood of emotion took over after speaking with her. I try to be strong in front of my son, I just can't keep it together. I don't want to make things worse having him see me so upset. After reading many post, I know incidents still happen , even on meds. I just wish I could be stronger!

He is such a bright, loving, pleasant (as most of your kiddos as well) child. I hate that it's hard for others to see that, especially in school. He has friends in class, but I worry so much about his self-esteem.

P.S. If anyone is wondering, I have a very supportive family, and my DH is just as frustrated, although not as emotional, as me

cali123439393.6584722222

being emotional is very understandable. Some one once said to me after her child had been diagnosed and they at first felt that this was good, at least ehy knew what was going on and had a path to follow to proceed and help their daughter, she felt so angry and emotional and she said I realize I am "grieving", strong word, but you get the point. It's all so overwhelming and although with a daignosis so many questions get answered, you have it put to you that your child has a condition that will affect so many aspects of their life. It's heartbreaking for us that our children cannot help all these things they do. Whether it's aggression and impulsive behavior, disruptive behavior in classroom due to distractability a nd hyperness...etc., etc. obviously they have to get along in society and behave somewhat as the mainstream does and this is so difficult and frustrating for them and for us. I will STILL say to my daughter, please pay attention to what you're doing! Now she's been diagnosed for 8 years! I KNOW she cant help her inattention, but she DOES have to pay attention. She has work SO much harder than everyone else to do this, but she has to work that hard, she has fallen down the stairs several times in our home all because she is not paying attention.

Dont' feel guilty for your emotions, it will get better. It's pretty much always a rollercoaster, but it will get better. Every phase is temporary it's trite saying, but very, very true.

Hang in there, and try to get a break, some time for yourself.

My son is 8, and now that we've started meds, we pretty much know this year is going to be trial and error getting him on a good med and the right dose. At least one that will work for a while.

The issues at school are always the worst. I got to where I dreaded the phone ringing - not that I had that many calls, but they are so hard to handle. I cried at the preschool, and his last private school. I would suggest reaching out to other moms - I know so many moms that are struggling with these kinds of issues. But hang in there... if you are trying out behavior plans, and medications, and you are making sure he's with people who treat him well and care, some of this will get better just with time. My son still has a ton of issues and is in a private school for LD kids (even tho he's gifted), but he is doing so much better. But I know we're in this for the long haul - that helps me thru the ups and downs.

Keep posting and look for support from other moms - it WILL be ok.

Hi Cali,

I think it should get better, especially if you find the right dose and medication. My son is now 8 and was diagnosed at 4 (although we suspected something from birth on). I have found that it has gotten a little easier since he can express his feelings well. Every year you start to figure out their strengths and weaknesses more, too. Don't be hard on yourself -- your son is so much better of being diagnosed early and getting help than going through school with undiagnosed ADHD.

My son's pediatrician told me just today that it gets even better when they are teenagers and can start to regulate their own dosages based on how they feel. I really hope that's true!!

(((cali))))

Joy2

(hugs) I know how you feel. Last year I was an emotional mess and I almost broke into tears while sitting at a Bar Mitzvah of one his classmates. I was a mess - My family was worried about me because I was always on the verge of falling apart.

Now I realize that I can only do so much and crying and worrying and feeling bad will not do anything but make me sick.

You are doing everything you can and you should never feel guilty for your emotions. I'd be worried if you weren't getting upset.

You need to take care of yourself. You won't be any good to anyone if you get sick.

Find something that you can do just for you.

I practice yoga faithfully for stress relief. In addition to my daily practice, my weekly class is my sanity break. no one bothers me and there is nothing but peace and quiet and feelings of calm. It helps me tremendously. I come to this board for support. I think if I didn't have the great people on this board to vent and get support and understanding, I'd be a lot worse than I am now.

You are lucky because your son was diagnosed early; I have been searching for help since 4th grade and now he's a defiant 14 year ol

Cali...

You're not alone. I just had a complete meltdown in front of my son last night. He is 8 and was diagnosed last year although we've known for years. He was off medication this summer since we moved out of state and now has a new psychologist and a psychiatrist.

He's a sweet, loving, out going kid who's emotionally happy and healthy when he's not on medication but, he can't function in school and is about a year behind. We just started him on Daytrana and it's been horrible this week.

I feel like you do...I don't feel like i have any options but, medication...however, when he's medicated he's not the same kid.

Take care.

I think that Diane V expressed what all of us feel perfectly. We "grieve" over the loss of that perfect child. You are on the right track, and now that you know the problem, you can hit it head on. It will take a little time and be a trial and error kind of thing, but you can do it. I too have had a come-apart in the middle of Wal-Mart, and sat down crying while my child screamed. Like another post said, remember to take time for yourself and recharge your batteries. I hope the Focalin works for you both.

When my ds got diagnosed in PreK (now in first grade), I did not handle it
well at all. I had to go on medication (now on Lexapro) and go to a
therapist. I took it so personally like ADHD was my fault somehow and
his behavior was a personal attack on me. I felt like the only mom at
school dealing with this. Boy was I wrong. You are far from alone and it
is not your fault. After medication (for us both!), things are much, much
better. DS is doing well in school and I have learned how to deal with it
all. We still work on things and will continue to do so, but it is
manageable. I have learned to write off the bad days that ds has, learn
from them and move on. Talk to someone professionally if you need to
or find an ADHD support group. I found moms at school that had the
same issues with their children and we help each other. It turns out that
there are 2 other kids (possibly 3) in his class with ADD/ADHD. It's more
common than you think. Hang in there, it will get better! Funny, I started on Lexapro yesterday. The anxiety I have over the guilt and anxiety I feel is overwhelming. I hope it helps me to help him. My son won't take his meds(I guess he's a rebel at 9) so it's a constant struggle out there. My only saving grace is the school is working with him right now. The 4th grade(except for the homework meltdowns) has been far more productive than 3rd and I don't have to go running to school to pick him up anymore. Although one of my best friends sons has ADHD since my son found out he doesn't want to talk to him as much and he is medicated properly so she doesn't have it so hard(although not a cake walk)ok rambling. Hang in there there are those of us who have it better and worse. spamula39394.2450347222

. Sometimes I don't think his teacher fully understands the disorder. I want to blame his behaviors on his ADHD, but I know I can't always do that. I def. don't want to start that, he needs to be accountable for what he does. Breaks my heart to see him have to miss his 10 minutes recess for minor things lilke talking. Only talking, that's a good day!

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It's a fine line, you dont want them getting in trouble "for their ADHD", obviously, but they do have to be accountable. I try to use these situations to help my unique situation. Meaning if he gets in trouble for talking, it's obviously disruptive to the class (whther he cna helpit or not, which he cant), so together you find a plan that works to HELP him be quiet during times it's required.

I have been dying to ask (you can pm me) about your user name, if it's some one's name.

cali1234 said - I'm so afraid to hear about a bad day! But, when he has a great day, the whole family has a great day.

I know what you mean about being afraid. I don't work, I'm a stay at home mom ( had to be since my son couldn't hold onto a babysitter or a daycare) and every time the phone rings during the day I hesitate to answer it because I'm afraid it's going to be the school telling me to come and pick him up because he punched a kid in the face for no reason.

But, on the other hand, like you said, when I get that smiley face in his communication book... the whole family has a great day. It's weird how the tone for the afternoon and evening is set upon his having a good or bad day at school. But, it is.

I'm a teenager, so I don't know if I can really relate to the parents viewpoint.. but I can say that it usually gets better!!!! I was full of energy as a kid, never shut up, had melt downs every night with my homework, couldn't do math, I was sweet but I gave my parents a few gray hairs for sure.. It's so great that he's been diagnosed so young, this means that you know what his deal is and he'll get help throughout his education to ensure that he's able to learn! Also, hopefully you'll find a medication that works for him, I know one student who started meds at age 5 and has kept them all through high school, it's really helped! All I can say is that as an ADD kid I don't know what I would have done without my parents support! I promise you that one day he'll look back on this and appreciate it! (OK, I probably don't appreciate my parents as much as I should but they're fantastic!) It's good to hear he had a good day, lets hope the new meds work well.. I know some people who really like Focalin [QUOTE=Diane V]

It's heartbreaking for us that our children cannot help all these things they do. Whether it's aggression and impulsive behavior, disruptive behavior in classroom due to distractability a nd hyperness...etc., etc. obviously they have to get along in society and behave somewhat as the mainstream does and this is so difficult and frustrating for them and for us.

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Thanks Diane, you always have good advice. Right now, it's hard for me to not want to get angry sometimes when he gets punished at school. My son gets in trouble daily for talking, HELLO, he's ADHD. Sometimes I don't think his teacher fully understands the disorder. I want to blame his behaviors on his ADHD, but I know I can't always do that. I def. don't want to start that, he needs to be accountable for what he does. Breaks my heart to see him have to miss his 10 minutes recess for minor things lilke talking. Only talking, that's a good day!

I'm so glad I posted this. I think it has helped everyone to know, we all have these days.

Just like Rhonacty, I'm thinking "what did he do next". My DH usual picks our son up from school about 2:20, right at that time, I'm working, and I can't look at my watch. I'm so afraid to hear about a bad day! But, when he has a great day, the whole family has a great day

Today was a much deserved good day. My little guy started his FocalinXR 5 mg. He had a good day at school, and a great day at home. I'm glad things are looking up. Thanks for the kind replies everyone

Do you have help with family?? Are you a single mom? I'm here for you. I come to work stressed and dread picking her up too, because I fear, "what did she do today". Yes, and Brittney destroys most of her pencils, and markers in class. She puts things in her mouth constantly too, erasers, paper towels, markers, whatever she can get her hands on Whew...it is so good to know that there are others out there having just as hard of a time as I am having. Just as my DS has good days and bad days - so do I. Of course my bad ones are usually a direct result of his bad days. Today is a bad one. I help him out at school three days a week for about 90 minutes. Most of the time we do okay together, but today he was not focusing on anyone or anything and I just got up and walked out. I know myself well enough (most of the time) to just remove myself from the situation before I blow. The past two weeks have been really rough - all of a sudden the meds are not working as well (Strattera 36mg).

Try to think positive. We have all had the days where we wish someone would put us out of our misery - or is that just me? One the bright side, there are those great days that I wish could last forever.

Here is hoping you have a better day soon!!
Cali my daughter has done things like your describing. a month ago, she held up a fork in the lunchroom like she was "fake stabbing". Pushed a boy down the portable steps, and bite a girl in her class, that is actually her friend. I understand what your going through. I'm having a hard time holding it together today too.
A couple of weeks ago we had first quarter parent-teacher conferences and the teachers were saying wonderful things about my daughter. I could hardly believe it. But since second quarter began, we have really been struggling with homework. She understands the material, but it takes her a LONG time to get work done, plus I think some teachers are assigning excessive amounts of homework in the first place.
It is SO stressful and discouraging to spend hours and hours on homework and still be falling behind.
It's been one of those weeks. She auditioned for the school musical, but didn't get a part, and I think that added a lot of emotional stress to the week. Plus I have a feeling that Halloween candy is still taking its toll too. She's been forgetting to turn in assignments all week (more than usual). I wrote a note to a teacher last weekend and she never gave it to her. She never remembers to look in the lost and found for the science notebook she lost (which means she'll have to re-do the work in it). She loses at least 4 pencils every day (although I did find out that some of those are going to friends who've lost their pencils.)
I was feeling absolutely sick about the homework situation last night and woke up at about 3:00 a.m. This morning I went in to school and talked to a couple of teachers (and managed not to cry even though I was feeling very emotional). The meetings did not go badly, but I just can't get rid of the knot in my stomach today. I'm completely useless as far as getting anything done today.
Thanks for letting me vent! I hope everyone is having a better day today.

I found that after starting the Focalin my son was like a different kid. Good but different. Mostly in school.Perfect reports daily. What a difference.Now he is rebeling and won't take it but Hopefully he will change his mind one day.oh I'm so glad to hear that Cali, I hope the Focalin XR works!!!! my daughter is doing well on the straterra, they are gradually working up to the anticipated dosage which is 25mg a day. She started 3 days on 10, then just started the 18 today then will stay (if its working) on the 25mg's.

Spamula how old is your child?My son just turned 9 and is in 4th grade

My son and your son sound a lot alike! It gets better. Love him for him imperfections and he'll learn that he can love you with your's too!!

It gets better...time...

Hugs to you in the meantime!

[QUOTE=evryoung]

"Breaks my heart to see him have to miss his 10 minutes recess for minor things lilke talking. "

Is there some other thing that can be used to discipline your son for an infraction such as talking. Recess and physical exercise is so important to a child with ADD/ADHD. Could your doctor ask the school to not use that as a form of punishment?

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I have brought this up before with his teacher, I totally agree with you. He is in a 1/2 day KIndergarten class. They only get the recess if they have time, and it's the last 10 minutes of the day. Sometimes he doesn't get the break if he's not finished working. He used to rush through his work, but since starting medication, it appears he is taking longer. Last Friday he didn't earn his break, so they had him walking laps around the playground. I think that is humiliating, but I guess it is a common practice for ADHD kids. Anyone agree, disagree? Ij suppose they want him to burn off his energy, but, the break is at the end of the day, not the middle.

I'm going to let the recess issue go, but next year, when he is in 1st grade, I will insist he gets it.

thanks its nice to know I'm not the only one.

"Breaks my heart to see him have to miss his 10 minutes recess for minor things lilke talking. "

It is mandatory here that recess can not be taken away from an ADHD child for any punishment. Find out your laws. I did and now he gets no recess or lunch taken away or seperated.