my son breaks my heart... | ADHD Information

[QUOTE=laphillips]My son who is 7 is adhd. I don't know how to handle him sometimes. I need help on how to deal with him. I feel so bad for him. He is always getting yelled at for something. And bad as I hate to admit it. I do it to. He was being defiant tonight and I asked him why he acted like he does, and why he made me yell. The look in his eyes made my heart ache. First of all I know I should have never said that to him. And I don't think I will ever forget how sad he looked. I wish I could take it all back. Now that I look at him and he is so peaceful sleeping I feel that much worse. All I want to do is cry. What can I do to help him. I think I need more help that he does. I seem to have the problem. I know that if I can learn to deal it will make all the difference to him . This child is such a wonderful kid. He is smart and funny. I don't want to do anything to bring more pain to him. Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I just want him to always know how much I love him and how much I really do care. Any suggestions on how I can control my actions on his bad days? Thanks so much.....[/QUOTE]

my daughter, 7 not yet diagnosed but we are seeing the physch on Dec. 7th, first time. Her main issue is fun stop. She does not know how to deal to well with a friend having to go home, having to come inside from play, etc...I have been there and just last night told my fiancee, can you go in there I can't do it, because I have anxiety so its SO hard for me to deal with her anger outbursts and emotional breakdowns.

[QUOTE=quixote]We do "re-wind"; I have him or both of us actually move backwards to the
place we were when whatever incident started, and sometimes that is silly
enough or it just gives him a second to think about what he should have
done, then he gets to try it again.

I find that I need to remember sometimes that my son is nothing like me
as a child. I was super sensitive and would remember the slightest insult
or embarrassment FOREVER. He wakes up every morning and the whole
world is new and he has no pre-conceived notions. That is why it is a
complete shock to him every morning when I tell him to get out of bed.
I think that we remember the times we mess up and replay them a
million times in our heads, but they are over and past it faster than we
could imagine.[/QUOTE]

Actually--I find that kind of a yes and no.

Like your son--I'm resilient. I used to say I would get depressed then get distracted and forget what I was depressed about

I will say however, and this may be true for your son--there are times when it DOES catch up with you and won't go away.

I've found most other ADHD'ers are like this, including kids. In other words, if he was socially weird--he may immediately bounce back but the next time someone is mean to him because he said something weird--it will sometimes come flooding back and he may feel the effects compounded.

I think it might be due to our lack of innate understanding of "time".

Find me a parent who has not flipped a cookie at their kid and I will show you a parent that's been underground face down in a mound of dirt for a number of years.

Good heavens--doesn't anyone read Erma Bombeck anymore?
We do "re-wind"; I have him or both of us actually move backwards to the
place we were when whatever incident started, and sometimes that is silly
enough or it just gives him a second to think about what he should have
done, then he gets to try it again.

I find that I need to remember sometimes that my son is nothing like me
as a child. I was super sensitive and would remember the slightest insult
or embarrassment FOREVER. He wakes up every morning and the whole
world is new and he has no pre-conceived notions. That is why it is a
complete shock to him every morning when I tell him to get out of bed.

I think that we remember the times we mess up and replay them a
million times in our heads, but they are over and past it faster than we
could imagine.I understand how you feel about getting so frustrated and yelling at your child. I too have done thi sin the past and I still feel guilty every time. The good news is kids are forgiving and forgetting. I loved that 'do-over" idea. If I ever go back to social services I'll try it on the adults

I have been there also. I feel sometimes like a horrible parent.

But I am learning to not yell (which is my first line of discipline unfortunately) and be very direct and do the room thing. I have to pull him aside, talk calmly and direct in his eyes and stern. he finally gets it and does what I tell him to do. takes me having control of my actions which is soooo hard sometimes! I feel like crying half the time also out of frustration.

Hang in there

You described me PERFECTLY!! It is my life in your words.

It's very very hard. It seems like each day the frustration is carried over from the day before. Been there, done that.

However, I wanted to tell you that those days have minimized for us! We have just started the marble system, it's taking some tweeking but we're getting there. WE also have a do-over day. If our son (and we) are having a hard moment, I will explain to him how upset we BOTH are and we BOTH are frustrated so let's figure out what we both want and let's talk about what we're going to do to get there...and then I say "Okay, let's start our do-over!". It works well for us both. Husband does his own thing and it works for them, too. He just is more of the FUN one, nobody here gets that right? ha ha But I've spent MANY MANY MANY nights right where you are. And what makes it harder, or did for me, is that he was so forgiving of me and my actions. Much more forgiving than I was for his. He teaches me all the time.

You love him. He loves you. Life is short, so research and find some coping techniques that will work for you guys. Do trial and error until you find a couple of methods that gets results you desire!! Go give him a hug! for no reason other than you love him.

Boy, can I relate. I sensed that there was something different from birth about my older son. He was an easy baby but as soon as he could walk the fun started. He was, up until the last year or so, very hyper and had trouble concentrating on things that were not interesting to him. And much of the time, I handled it poorly. As much as I have always loved him, I haven't always liked him. I yelled way to much and said way too many mean things. I finally started seeing a psychologist periodically who helped me see that I had to get it under control and that my boy wasn't the real problem-I was. I've always taught my other kids that you can't control how someone else acts-you can only control how you react. It was time to start practicing what I preach. Easier said than done though but I've really been trying to behave myself and it is actually getting easier day by day. My son has been on Adderall since age 7 and this has helped with his hyper behavior. He started having some problems with Oppositional Defiant disorder last year(primarily aimed at me) and we added Tenex. The combination of the 2 has done great things. He is less irritable and has had a significant improvement in his ability to pay attention in school. I certainly still have days when I think that I can't live with him anymore and occasionally still lose my cool. But things are better. Humor and being matter of fact also go a long way toward keepin things sane. Just know that you are not alone and that things can get better
lncbert39400.602962963Wow! I'm not alone! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with my son. I love him so much - his humor, creativity, imagination but sometimes he drives me crazy. There are some great suggestions here. I really like the "do-over" idea. Good luck!The do-over thing works great with ADHD kids. A few times a day can be do-overtime according to them they forget about the past quickly and move on. We do do-over time and it works here.Lori,
Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure almost everyone has lost their temper and said or done something they wish they hadn't. I know I have. And I know how awful it feels.
The good news is that every day is a new beginning and you get a new chance to try to do it right. And if you offer your son a sincere apology, ("I'm sorry I lost my temper last night...") you are then giving him a good lesson in apologizing and forgiveness. I always tell my kids that part of growing up is learning how to apologize and how to forgive.
I think it's important to remember that our kids can't "make us" yell at them. We may not always be able to control our kids' behavior, but we can control our own. Not easy though.
I'm sure you are not a complete failure as a parent, you are just struggling like all the rest of us. And I'm sure your son knows how much you love him.
I think others have offered great suggestions. Maybe you can find one that you like and then just take it one day at a time, one step at a time.
Good luck and I hope you're having a better day today.
I don't havv any suggestions for you i'm sorry, I just got the reality check from the school that something is going on with my son but I read your posting and am in tears. I have been there soooooo many times, my heart aches for you. I feel so bad for mine because I personally can't understand it. i wish I had it to so maybe I could be more equipt to deal.. Please know you are not alone. We are all here with you

We do what diane does. To his room he goes until he can come out calmly and discuss things. It seems to work pretty good. Everyone gets a cool down and nobody's(at least not me )yelling. It helps.

I have done that. Gotten mad, regretted it, I have even apologized for it. Then when you see them sleeping so peaceful, innocent, quietly, it makes you feel like a monster!

Is he medicated?

You mention that maybe you need help, well there is nothing wrong with that! Call your doctor and mention it to them. I am sure they can help and you will feel better, not so guilty!

Raising our ADHDers is a lot of work and patience. Hang in there, and come to the boards. I find them very theraputic!! I honestly don't feel alone when i am here.

I think the best thing we can do for our children is apologize. Let them see that we make mistakes, and we know that we make them so we apologize. It's a powerful lesson for kids that will probably spend a fair amount of time apologizing for their own actions.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to just spend some time breathing. I know that sounds hokey, but it's true. Just when you think your head is going to explode, stop and just breathe. Big breaths that open up your lungs, slow down your heart rate, and lower your blood pressure. A big breath (or five!) will clear away some of the anger fog and let you remember that your child is NOT his behavior, especially at the end of the day when meds may have worn off.

I have so often been at that point where I've yelled something hurtful and then wanted to swallow it right back, but once it's out there, it's there. All you can do is apologize and try to do better. I'm not one to be overly religious, but that's what God asks us to do, so it should work in our home lives, too. Good luck!

BPQW39398.5218981481My son who is 7 is adhd. I don't know how to handle him sometimes. I need help on how to deal with him. I feel so bad for him. He is always getting yelled at for something. And bad as I hate to admit it. I do it to. He was being defiant tonight and I asked him why he acted like he does, and why he made me yell. The look in his eyes made my heart ache. First of all I know I should have never said that to him. And I don't think I will ever forget how sad he looked. I wish I could take it all back. Now that I look at him and he is so peaceful sleeping I feel that much worse. All I want to do is cry. What can I do to help him. I think I need more help that he does. I seem to have the problem. I know that if I can learn to deal it will make all the difference to him . This child is such a wonderful kid. He is smart and funny. I don't want to do anything to bring more pain to him. Sometimes I feel like a complete failure as a parent. I just want him to always know how much I love him and how much I really do care. Any suggestions on how I can control my actions on his bad days? Thanks so much.....

Welcome,

Take a look at the marble system by ogram (top thread of this board). It is a positive reinforcement behavior plan. Part of the plan is the parent learning consistancy (the hardest part for me). Also reading books like these can help:

http://www.russellbarkley.org/your-defiant-child-book.htm

http://www.russellbarkley.org/barkley-books-videos.htm

Many of us have been where you are now and you are not alone. If there is a child development group near you (children's hosp or universities usually have these) you can take parenting classes for parenting challenging kids. Or find a psychologist that can work with both of you in these areas.

Vickie has some great suggestions. The main concept of the marble system is immediate reward/consequnce. IT WORKS.

It si a lot of work on the parents part because you are trying to put all the ownership on the child. One of the main things these kids (any kid really) is power. If you get angry, yell, fight back, they have gotten reaction. Of course they are sad or angry that you yelled at them, but they kept pushing until you got there. I've done it twice this week and KNOW better, my daughter 13 and we've been doing this for years. You have to set guidelines, stick to them and do not engage. For example, he wont get pajamas on before bed, you say it's time for pajamas and direct to his room, he yells NO or runs to another room or whatever, you take him by the hand (I've carried my kids kicking and scremaing ) into the room without talking, and say you have 2 choices, get ready for bed calmly then you can have tv time, or story time or whatever you do, or you go straight to bed. Then close the door and walk away. Do not say anything else. If he opens the door, walk over and close it, dont say anything. No matter what he does dont engage him. If you cant not speak, just calmly say, this is not open for discussion, you decide what you're going to do. THEN stick to it. He will very quickly learn, he wont get the fight out of you, nor will he win because he loses his "time". If the next day he just does it, overly praise him and tell him how proud you are. Then stick to it. If you do this with one behavior at a time you will slowly see results. I have found the key is be simple, give expectations and stick with them, the less talking the better. For "tantrum" our kids go to their room until they calm down and until they can act more apporpriately with ther est of us. Again, no discussion, she goes to her room (even if I bring her there) and stays there. Once calm, we talk baout why she was angy and what the problem was. At first I taught her how to calm down, breathing, counting, etc. Of course there the days of throwing things and screaming, then I'd leave until that slowed down, then go back in and work on the breathing/counting, THEN talking. No talking while they're angry. This gives them, and you time to "regroup" before you talk, and lets them know it's unacceptable, but you are willing to listen, AFTER they are calm.

Hang in there, you're not a failure, and it will get better.

If he has ADHD, does that mean you are being helped by a child psychiatrist or (good) therapist? I found that life got so much better, although still far from perfect, once we were getting enough outside help. Just knowing that I could call someone for help and advice made me MUCH calmer. Hope you feel better soon and don't be so hard on yourself. These kids push your limits unlike anything else.

Joy2