New here... loads of questions! | ADHD Information

[QUOTE=CrazyMadsMom]

Hello wise parents!

I am a mom to two ADORABLE boys from Guatemala. My first one was so easy that I got cocky about my parenting skills. SO we went back for another one and have lost all of our confidence. My second has been challenging since that first plane ride and we've been living with the world's most obnoxious child for 3 years now. We finally started therapy with a "family coach" who's first reaction was, "gosh, he sure seems to be hyperactive to me..." (He's just over 3-1/2 now)

Adopted children always come with a history. One may be genetically "easier to manage" or perhaps, less traumatized. Some kids remember very, very early. Others just know 'something hurts' but they will never be able to place it. The struggle for adoptive parents is to understand that love and skill are needed to make the best of the situation but there aren't solutions to everything.

Well, ever since that first meeting with the therapist, I've been researching ADHD, which I've suspected all along. 6 months ago, my pediatrician told me he's too young to diagnose, but he has EVERY symptom. He's got no impulse control, he's prone to a tantrum at the drop of a hat, he NEVER stops moving, he's climbing, running and generally embarrassing me in public ALL the time. The school agrees - they've challenged him to spend THREE MINUTES at each of the different learning centers and he's FAILED. Attention span is just not that long...

He may be deficit at focusing for more reasons than simple ADHD. Or it can be a combination of factors.

So after hours of internet research, I'm totally 100% convinced that he is ADHD and two weeks ago we started him on fish oil, which has worked miracles in a short time. He's not "cured" yet, but he's MUCH more tolerable.

My question - what do I do NOW? I've already tried cutting sugars out of his diet and focusing on healthier diet for him, but should I pursue medication? I don't really want to if it's not necessary. Any other supplements I can give him? Do I need to get the pediatrician to officially diagnose him?

What do you wise people recommend for me? And will my life get any better? I feel like I've been beaten down by this little person as much as I can take...

A few things. This isn't likely just about ADHD--it's about traumatized children.

Get a full-scale physical for this child. Until you can rule out certain physical realities you may be treating the wrong diseaseConsider the circumstances of this child's background.Get a full mental health assessment
The first thing you need to establish is to cut down on the chaos in your household from this child.Choose ONE behaviour that simply cannot continue. Eg: hitting. Work on that one aloneIf fish oil is working--don't mess with a good thing.He's THREE--some three year olds are exceptionally difficult. Some of this may pass.Remember that the child may have been exposed to many difficulties in his environment including toxicities, violence, abandonment even dietary changes including sugar and flour increases. You cannot correct many of those problems, you can just help lessen the effectsIf you view yourself as "beaten down" by the little fellow--you will be. He is the child. You are the adult. He is, for some reason, a challenging child. When I watch a parent in action--it's not when the kid is well-behaved that tells me they have strong parenting skills--it's when the little person is out-of-control and the parent skillfully handles the situation.

It sounds to me that increasing your parenting skills might help a great deal. And no, you aren't a bad parent at all! If you care enough to learn about traumatized children and children with mental health struggles then you have a long, likely unpraised future ahead.

Think long and hard about WHY you adopted children. I'm going to assume you are good-hearted and wanted to improve their quality of life. But you need to look at EVERY reason, including the selfish ones.

And how much did leaping through hoops of fire to get these children impact upon your nervousness at parenting?

What supports do you have in place eg: International adoption parent groups, etc?

[/QUOTE]I believe Attend has St John's Wort in it. Something you want to stay away from. It reacts with all sorts of different meds, even over the counter ones. He is too young for it anyway. I would wait for meds as long as you can, If you can do the fish oil and magneesium your 1/2 way there. The marble system is a good thread for behavior modification. spamula39403.3206134259

At the health food store where I purchase my supplements they have a consultant that can perform a simple non-invasive muscle test which can tell them if a person would benefit from a particular supplement. There are many blends available. You might talk with one about your concerns, they might refer you to a pharmacist who can do a hair analysis and test more completely then mix a supplement more individual to your child's needs.

In my sons case he was diagnosed at age 3, but did not receive meds til age 6. Information was not available 20 yrs ago for alternative treatments but he did attend Montessori programs so that when it was time for him to attend kindergarten he had had several years in a low stress environment to prepare for the public schools stricter standards.

[QUOTE=CrazyMadsMom]

Thank you all for your support and advice! I feel SO relieved to have some direction and the fact that the fish oil has made a noticable change to me AND to his teachers so quickly gives me lots of hope for the future. I will try to get some magnesium tomorrow and look into more diet ideas.

Has anybody ever heard of or tried Attend? It looks like a good homepathic solution with everything all bundled together. Would it be better than fish oil?

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to find other parents who've "been there" and survived to tell about it!

[/QUOTE]

In my experience, Attend is not better than Fish Oil, and Magnesium, it is bsaically a pill of Nothing. Waste of money IMO.

Pharacists do not do hair analysis, a Psychopharmocologist might, but a regular pharmacist does not.

I would also stay away from the health food stores recommending Herbals, they are not all safe.

"Pharacists do not do hair analysis"

Sorry, if I used the wrong word in my previous post pharmacologist is what I had meant to type.

Edbson, Where do you suggest one purchase their vitamins and supplements if not at a health food store.

EnbMom, the preschool has three different stations set up when the kids arrive - one is a craft, one is a motor activity (blocks, legos, puzzles...) and the other is the computer/book area. The kids get to choose which station to play at, and each one has an adult supervising the activity. My crazy son flits between one and the other like a fly at a picnic. So the main teacher decided they would try to spend time together at all the different stations using a timer. She didn't specifically tell him it was a challenge, and she didn't point out the failure to him - she's a really great teacher and we like her a lot. (Same one we had for our first son!) She told me about it at the parent-teacher conference, and said we need to keep an eye on his attention span and his constant movement, and asked if we had discussed this with our pediatrician. They have an occupational therapist in the school, too, who has been trying to teach my son to move in slow motion, which also doesn't seem to be working, but he does think it's funny.

When he's not driving people crazy, he is hysterically funny, social, outspoken and incredibly verbal and smart. I just wish we could "tame the wild monkey" a little bit to perserve ALL of our sanity!

Forgot to mention, too, that after two weeks of fish oil, he had an entire week where he stayed at the same station for more than five minutes! AND he sat nicely through story time. I'm hoping by adding the magnesium that he'll continue to improve.

I liked somebody's idea of keeping a journal of his behavior and I've been doing that for a couple days now. Perhaps I should publish it as a form of birth control for perspective young parents?

CrazyMadsMom39403.9256134259hey about your journal. when i started mine, i found it helpful to put times on it. when she woke up, went to bed, had a meltdown, even what time she played and was in a good mood. i found this helpfull because i could see patterns clearer. i also kept a side bar with what she ate and drank and the suppliments she was getting also what time she did these things. in the long run it helped to know when she would be in a better mood for work, and when i needed to leave her alone. i now know with her to practice spelling before school not after, and on the weekends she needs at least 30 of tv and about an hour of playing before she is willing to do chores or read.I agree with CrazyMadsMom, no one has the right to question why
another parent adopted their child or why someone gave birth. CMM
came to this website to find help not to be criticized. As an adoptive
mom of an ADHD son I can tell you we adopt out of love. ADHD is hard
to understand and we all just do the best we can to work with our
children whether they are adopted or biological. CCM keep up the good
work you are researching all avenues as do most mothers with children
with behavior problems. Your son really does sound like my son was at
age 3 and I tell you even without medication my son made improvements.
For us the medication has really helped him with behavior at school and
focussing at school. If it were not for school I may never have put him on
meds. Your son is still young, keep doing all the research you can and
know that this mom thinks you are doing a great job. I found it best at
that age to just not attend the type of funciton you describe. It's just very
hard with a children who are all over the place and it causes too much
stress for you and the child. And to MetisRebel don't criticize people who
adopt when you have never walked in their shoes. We adopt out of love, I
hate it when someone tells me what a wonderful thing I did to adopt my
child. I always tell people I adoped more for selfish reasons than to save
a child. After 18 years of trying to have a baby yep that's 18 long years
that a parent of a biological child will never know, I love my son and his
birth parents for giving me this amazing boy. Let's all try to be kind on
this board we all need each other's support not put downs.One more thing:

What's up with the preschool? How much do they use stations? That can be very rough on a kid with attention issues. IT wouldn't have worked for my guy and he LOVED preschool. They didn't tell your son the were "challenging" him with the 3 minute thing, I hope?

MetisRebel:

Okay, I just have to ask now because it's been bothering me all morning -

"Think long and hard about WHY you adopted children. I'm going to assume you are good-hearted and wanted to improve their quality of life. But you need to look at EVERY reason, including the selfish ones."

Can you please tell me WHAT this comment is all about? Would you ask a biological parent to think long and hard about why they HAD children? (Because in many cases the answer is "oops"...) My reasons for becoming a parent aren't any different than anybody else's. I wasn't out to save the world or rescue anybody from anything - I simply wanted children. Period. Why does the fact that they are adopted change my ability to be a parent?

Crazymadsmom,

it's funny that you say it has been bothering you all morning. That same statement has been bothering me all morning too. i think (hope) that it was not to be judgemental or rude. it seems to be that you are being proactive, and that you want the best for your children. i think that most would agree that you love your children, just as much as i love mine.

btw, your son at services sounds like my 6yo daughter at that age. I think that it does get easier as they get older. she no longer screams and runs around, (although she does sometimes still like to race at the grocery store) but now if i ask her to come back and to stop she will. when she was younger i would be running around the store as fast i could to catch her. Now looking back on it, it must have been a funny sight.

also, do you do anything for yourself? i think that it is important for my mental health to know that i can have a couple of hours a week without the worry of my kids. either going out to dinner with a friend, or just a couple of hours on the weekend to read a book (and not a adhd book). i think that it evens me out, and makes things easier to deal with. there is a book by russell barkley "taking charge of adhd" there is a line in it that says that "the last thing a child needs is a martyr for a parent." i think it is pretty sound advice. And i repeat it to my husband weekly when i need personal time.

Hi CrazyMads:

I am certainly not in any position to tell you what's going on with your child but your experience at services last night certainly sounded familiar to me. It's especially difficult to deal with a more challenging child when your older one is rather easy going. My older one can be very antsy but he always had it together when we took him out places - restaurants, synagogue, movies, even shows. My younger one just couldn't do it. We were constantly chasing him down.   We learned to adjust our expectations because it always ended up that we were frustrated with him and no one enjoyed themselves.

So we learned to split up. We couldn't always do things as a family unit. When you have 2 kids, sometimes it's nice for each of them to spend time alone with a parent.

My younger one didn't go to his brother's kindergarten graduation (over 6 years ago, but I remember). I would have loved to have him there but the day was about my older boy. Other parents brought younger siblings but we just knew that it wasn't going to work.

No matter what's going on with your younger son (and most doctors won't even go near ADHD for a child that young unless he's in danger of hurting himself or someone else), you've got to remember that he simply can't help it.   In our case, large, loud, public places were just too much for him. They still are at times.

Try to figure out what circumstances are more likely to set your son off. In our case, it was loud places, disorganized situations, and small crowded spaces (like the room we rushed into before my sister-in-law's wedding when he was 3 for the ketubah signing where he flipped out and refused to be in the ceremony - big oops on our part!!) And try to keep away from those situations.

Looking back on it, I know that I caused him and us way more stress than was necessary because I couldn't handle the fact that everyone else could bring both their kids places and I couldn't.

BTW, things are MUCH improved now. Yes, he's older, and yes, he takes medication, but we also understand each other much better now.

MetisRebel:

I have read just about EVERY parenting book out there and have even been working with a family therapist for a couple months now. We've been consistant and we already have one that is well-behaved and under control, so I don't think it's just about parenting skills. The techniques just AREN'T WORKING. I don't think we are "nervous parents" at all. We don't put up with his behavior, yet it doesn't stop...

We are already a part of a wonderful adoption support group, and take our kids to Latin Heritage Camps and other adoption events. I really don't think this one has adoption issues at this point. When he is good, he's extremely social, happy, and goofy. And he is fully bonded with us. It's really more about his impulse control and his inability to sit still when he's supposed to. It is like being a parent to "curious george" - you can't turn your back on him.

Example: last night we attended family services at the synagogue - we NEVER do this because it's always a nightmare, but our older son was singing in the service, so we all went together. In the one-hour family-friendly (music intensive, kid's stories...) service, we had to leave the room with him SIX times! He throws the yarmulke, rips the book, leaves his seat, runs on stage, yells inappropriately, plays with the retractable chair, etc. We'd go out in the hallway, give him a timeout and come back when he said he was ready to behave. SIX TIMES. Ended up leaving early with Dad and sitting in the car until the rest of the service was over while he screamed non-stop. And this is typical of ANY place he's expected to sit.

We had been in constant contact with his foster family from the time he was two weeks old until we picked him up at six months. We know there was no violence, or emotional problems before we got there - he was well-bonded with his foster mom and he bonded pretty easily with us, so I don't think that's it. I really do think we just have ADHD.

Thanks for all your advice, though!

I am glad that you're happy with your preschool. We had a horror experience once so I am sensitive about those things.

Seeing an OT was a big help when my son was younger. She would put him through a sort of obstacle course with a few activities and after several cycles I could literally see him wind down. It was more than just the activity. Something about the repetitive activities really made a difference.

Hello wise parents!

What do you wise people recommend for me? And will my life get any better? I feel like I've been beaten down by this little person as much as I can take...

You are doing everything right. 3 1/2 is very young and doubtful you'll get an official diagnosis at this age. The Omega 3's are a great idea as is a solid behavior plan. Look on the alternatives board here for more supplement suggestions. My guess would be magnesium as another good choice for now. The marble system is a successful tool for behaviors.

Can I make a suggestion that you begin a journal. Track his behaviors both at home and at school. When the time does come to see a psych you will have lots of data to back you up.

As far as medication, most prescription meds are only approved for over the age of 6. Many people do start younger though. My suggestion is to wait another year if you can using the tools you can for now, at that point a lot of typical for 3 behaviors can be ruled out.

Not oly cutting sugara, but ALL preservatives, ALL artifical colors, and ALL fast foods helps tremendously. Omega's do help, but take a while. I also recommend magnesium.

What specialists have you contacted? I have a good friend with a story similar to yours. Her and her husband adopted two boys from