Dealing relative’s opinions about meds. | ADHD Information
OOOOkay.....I just got off the phone with said relative.....
Now that couldn't have gone any worse. I waited for her to bring up the email. I said that it amazes me that such smart people loose sight of the fact that there is a spectrum in ADHD itself, and one child may not need meds ever and outgrow it, while another may require meds the rest of their life. Push came to shove and she said that I am "always too harsh with (DS)". ALWAYS. If I tallied the cumulative hours from this years that she has spent with either of my kids we're lookin' at maybe 12-18. What is fresh in her mind was coming to my home for a little family B-Day party for my DD last week. Do I need to explain to anyone here how a sensory seeking, highly hyperactive, persistent and almost too darn smart 5 1/2 year old can ruin an occassion like that? So, yeah, I was on him like white on rice. She says, well I thought he was fine......yup b/c I didn't give him a chance to not be. It escalated and got pretty ugly, some old family stuff got thrown in there (doesn't it always). She did after my persistence admit that she was criticizing and didn't know see the "bigger picture" here. It really got nasty. I'm just so tired of defending myself. I bet if I put a poll out there and asked parents of ADHD kids if they would prefer to let their children "run free" and "experience life" or watch your child like a hawk I'm sure pretty much 100% prefer the first. I told her she crossed a line (even after she apologized) b/c I felt I had to let her know. Happy Thanksgiving, can't wait for Christmas. I need a Tylenol.
I deal with this same thing with my family. They think we're giving my daughter meds just to make her behave. Drives me nuts. They deal with her a few hours a month and have know idea about ADHD.Sweetie, after a confrontation like that I'd need whole lot more than a Tylenol!
Try to take a deep breath and know that you can't control other peoples thoughts and opinions. Those parent's who wouldet ther children "run free" and "experience life" are the same one's that are wringing their hands because their children have grown into teens and young adults that self-medicate and in turn do irreparable harm to themselves and their families. These are the parents that ignore the signs and say "they're just being kids" or "they'll outgrow it!"
Aren't holidays the best?
You know, i knew everything before i had kids. Boy does having a child make you feel stupid
. My cousin does the same thing, (btw, she is married, no kids but does have a dog, (it's on their christmas card every year)) makes her an expert on child raising. You would never do anyting to harm your child, if it is really bothering you, i would let her know that. Az kristen39404.7355324074I like Granny Fran's idea. Put a copy of "Driven to Distraction" in the box. I just started it and it's great! I think that the case studies in the beginning will make a believer out of anybody. You could also inundate her with actual clinical studies about ADHD, although usually you can only access these journal articles through a university.It seems like some of the most highly educated people I know are the most judgmental about ADHD. I honestly think that it's "PC" to NOT believe in ADHD. These are the people who imagine that "everyone" is giving their kids Ritalin to get them through school -- not true. They usually have grand theories but little practical experience. It drives me crazy, too.
You could also turn the conversation back on her. Ask her, as neutrally as possible, why she thinks you medicate your child. Don't answer for her -- leave it open-ended and listen to what she has to say. She might start to flounder when put on the spot. Ask her if she thinks it would be an easy decision to medicate a child. Just keep asking her questions about her point of view -- she will have to start listening to herself and her own judgmentalism. Sometimes people think that they are incredibly non-judgmental until forced to listen to their thoughts out loud. If you talk to her on the phone, this might be worth trying. I think it's a better strategy than defending yourself because it brings up the gaps in their logic and puts them on the spot, not you. A few pregnant pauses after answers that you disagree with can help, too -- it makes difficult people really listen to their own words.
Good luck. Remember that medically, you are correct and she is not.
Maybe you could tell her that it's a huge, complex issue that you've spent a great deal of time and energy researching and that, if you had time, you could probably write a book based on what you've learned and your own personal experiences. Also, the study she mentioned is just one of thousands concerning ADHD. You could also tell her that, if she's interested, she could check out this message board where there is always ongoing discussion of various issues concerning ADHD. It might give her some insight into what parents go through.
I don't know if this will help BUT.....I understand how you feel. It's like HELLO??? I know what you are thinking!! You think I wanna drug my kid!?!?!?!? I don't think people understand what you go through as a parent when you have a child with ADD/ADHD....ERRRRR THOSE PEOPLE!!!
More than likely a child without the added burden of ADD or ADHD would be more than she could handle on daily basis.
It never ceases to amaze me when someone with no experience with these children or in her case no children at all think they have something valuable to offer to the discussion. That is unless they have some medical expertise. Your only obligation is to your child and yourself, you don't owe anyone an explanation for how you raise your children unless someone can prove that you are abusing them with your chosen method of treatment or the lack there of. I would just explain calmy that yes you found the report interesting and you appreciate her interest but that you would prefer not discuss this issue with her. Then if she needs to know why tell her that her past opinions have been noted and that this is a subject we don't see eye-to-eye on and would only hurt our relationship to debate with her further.
Good luck we'll be here for you to vent!
And if that doesn't work..... just BEAT HER UP!!! I'm just kidding!!!!And if that doesn't work..... just BEAT HER UP!!! I'm just kidding
!!!!
Sometimes I think that would relieve us of all this frustration with the kiddos, the schools, and the healthcare industry. Just one big @$$ whipping!
So, a little background. My oldest sister is in her mid 40's. Never married, no kids, no house no responsibilities but herself. She's IV League educated and teaches part time at the college level. She's good at what she does and quite intelligent. She does not believe is medication as a general rule. Although she lives 45 minutes away she sees my kids a few times a year, maybe 4 and its always short visits. During the visits my kids constantly ask, "what's your name again?". I don't think she believes in ADHD in general, and then that study came out last week saying that its just underdevelopment of the brain........so here's the deal:
SHe sends me an email with a link about people's reaction to the study and asks what I think about it and invites a discussion. Frankly it pisses me off. SHe doesn't offer to help with him, watch him so DH and I can get a break, hasn't spent time with him to know what its like to raise a child that, sadly, requires meds, she doesn't know half of what I've done to help my child. At first I started pounded on the key board, but then I stopped the reply and thought, why do I need to explain anything to this person? She doesn't care enough to be an active figure in his life, but thinks I'm going to speak to her about something this personal when I already know her stance on the issue??? So question....what do I say? I don't want to say anything argumentative, (high road here) but I want to send a firm message that this topic off limits since she has no interest in really helping.....
WHat would you say? I really would love to hear your thoughts
twodoodles39404.461724537I think SOME people who don't understand ADD/ADHD think parents put their kids on meds because they are just hyper. You always hear...well when I was a kid, they didn't have pills for kids like that. Or if they had better parents BLAH BLAH....Yeah they might not had pills but they still had ADD, People also didn't have other meds either, didn't mean it wasn't around,just meant you died sooner!! ERRRR people!!!
My son doesn't have a hyper bone in is body, so of course when my family and friends heard ADHD...they looked at me like, oh..your one of "THOSE PEOPLE" But he can't focus...when I would try to talk to him...him wasn't listening he was looking at the floor or out the window, or just thinking.....would they want to learn like that?? Sometimes I really HATE people, I know that sounds mean, but gez...give me a break!!! 
Good luck with dealing with that family member!!!
I am blessed with a wonderful, non-judgmental family and even they didn't get it at times. My older one could try the patience of Mother Teresa but if you never saw it happen, you wouldn't believe it. I can still remember overhearing my totally wonderful, low-key mother-in-law lose it with him once!
Of course, the only way for your sister to get a taste of you and your son's life is for you to sit back a little and that could be difficult. But think about how much you knew about ADHD before you had your son. I knew nothing except for articles I read here and there and then there's all the media attention on the overdiagnoses of ADHD and the way that doctors are giving out ritalin like candy. All of us on there boards had to learn the hard way.
I agree that she was out of line, but you're never too set in your ways to learn. I know I've never won an argument with my sister. But she watched my kids bounce around enough that she would never question our course of action with regards to ADHD.
Good luck. I hope that there's a piece or two of advice from all the responses that will be useful to you.
JordanM and No Tellin
I knew that no form of reward or punishment would help my son when at the age of 6 after his 4th 6 week period he brought home an F in conduct and he looked at me with tears rolling down his cheeks and said "mom, I just can't help it!" That's the day I called his ped about trying him on Ritalin. His Dr gave me 3 pills, he told me that if my son did not need this med I would know it immediately. From the next day forward my son made straight A's in conduct and all subjects. That was 23 years ago October. That was what I loosely call my sons diagnosis of ADD. At the time he was one of the only children in his school being treated for ADD, not that he was the only one with it.
The new research that questions whether the physical neurological delay can be overcome with time concerns me. Maybe these neurotransmitters responsible for causing ADD and ADHD can physically catch up but will they ever be capable of functioning at the same levels as if they had never been delayed to begin with?. The research just makes more questions, why are there so many adults that suffer from ADD and ADHD if these neurotransmitters "catch up" as researchers claim?
I had a couple of family members acting the same way when my son was first diagnosed, before we put him on medication. Everything they said was about how evil medication is, how overused, how parents that medicate are lazy, on and on (and on) about it. When I decided to medicate, I knew it would get even worse, so I started a journal about my son. Not what he did, or how he acted, but what was happening to him as a result of the ADHD, and what he said/felt about it. Like 'X was the only boy in his class not invited to A's birthday party. X came home in tears, told me nobody plays with him because he's annoying', and 'X didn't get his math done during school time today, and said he couldn't "Make the noise shut up so I can concentrate" and then told me he was too stupid to do school'. The first comment I got about how I shouldn't have medicated, I quietly handed them the notebook, let them read, and then asked them how they could not try EVERY option help this child. It's been 2 years, and my family seems to understand I made the decision to help HIM, not ME.XMommy I could have written much of your post! What finally convinced us to try medication was the day that our son came home crying, saying that he could not focus at all in school and was constantly staring off into space, and that he couldn't read the novel assigned in class because of the noise of the fan. He kept crying and saying "What is wrong with me??" So our decision as well to medicate was completely for him. It has worked wonders - he is in grade 4 now, and this week received 2 A+ unit test marks, in Social Studies and Science. His Science mark was the highest in his class of 28. We have seen such an improvement in his self-esteem, and he is just thrilled to be "the best focuser in the class".
We haven't even told any family members that he is taking medication, for the above reasons. I don't want to have to justify our decision and listen to high and mighty advise from someone who hasn't been there, done that.
Keep your head up at Thanksgiving! And think of me in Canada, eating a regular meal, because our Thanksgiving was last month!
I know it's too late, but I would have responded quickly to that email with lipservice. Two sentences max. (Yea, interesting study. It's hard to tell who's right. Hope they do more studies.) That's what I do now with this kind of stuff, including verbal inquiries about how my son is doing in school -- OH, he's doing GREAT, no more problems--smooth sailing.
I tried discussing ADHD with only my mother and closest friend, and it turned out that both were totally anti-med and thought that ADHD was not real. With all of the challenges that come with ADHD I decided that I could not give them any of my energy--just hoping to get some support in the end. So, with my friend I stopped discussing it cold turkey, and she knows better than to broach a subject that I have dropped. When my mother brings it up (I don't), I tell her that everything is going great at school, and I never told her that I started my son on meds. She thinks () that he outgrew it, and I just shake my head in agreement -- HO YES, THAT'S IT! All that worry for nothin' momma! Silly me. Gosh, all that fuss with the school for nothin'! Boy, I'm glad that's over!,
So IMO, if they disagree, they have nothing to offer YOU, who are dealing with the stress of this condition, and you should just flat out tell them that you don't want to discuss it any more or give them a big shovel full of lipservice. I prefer the latter since it takes less energy and is actually kind of entertaining. Afterall the bottom line is that you are trying to get them to understand so that they can help YOU. If this cannot be done they are nothing more than another obstacle, and certainly you don't need more of that.
[QUOTE=granny Fran]I would send her a pair of moccasins and tell her that when she has walked a mile in your shoes[dealing with adhd 24/7] that then you will be open for discussion.[/QUOTE]
I love this! I may have to use it
Simply tell her that your son is off limits. Then ignore the snot out of her whenever she says anything remotely negative or judgemental to you about him or your care of him. It always amazes me when people think that they should tell you how to handle something they've never dealt with. Unless she plans to never have children, she should be careful how she judges, because they say ADHD is hereditary..... < =text/>_popupControl();
I totally hear what you are saying about labeling and self-esteem. My son has difficulty expressing emotions in an appropriate manner and at an appropriate intensity level for the situation. Prior to medicine he could not exert self-control to behave in an appropriate manner in school and was socially isolated. No one wanted to play with him. We put him on Concerta during the summer between first and second grade. Last year was better, but this year has been great socially for him. I would much rather be labeled by some as a bad mother for putting him on medicine than have him go through life without friends. What really did it for me was when he was in first grade to have him totally wig out at home and during my attempts to help him gain control, he just sobbed saying that he didn't think he would ever be a "good boy." I had never used those words with him - EVER! I told him he was a good boy and that we were going to his doctor's to see if we could get some help to figure out what to do. Now a year and a half later we not only know that medicine has been the best thing we have ever done, but that he is extremely gifted as well.
Just keep loving your kids and as time goes on the pokes from those you know and love or perfect strangers will not matter as much.....
I have a co-worker that told me that I am a bad mom because I medicate my son so I don't have to be real mom. There is a ton of tension in the office now!I waited until my son was 10 before we started meds. I didn't want to have to go that route and have never judged anyone for using medication. I just hoped my son would be the kind that wouldn't need meds. This year his grades dropped and well, 5th grade is a totally different ball game than previous school years.
I wish people would realize how hard it is to be a parent with a child with ADHD and that medicating your child is not what you want to do. Not one of us would be here on these boards if we were not doing what was in the best interest of our children.
jjmoore,
The co-worker should mind her own business.
I wouldn't talk about this stuff around the office anymore. Now you are working in a "hostile" environment and that isn't fair to you.
My son is 10 also. He has been on concerta since first grade, the end of it actually.
He has done a great job with grades and stuff, etc. Social is tough in my town, for anyone!! But he will be fine.
May I ask how we can help you with your son. What meds is he taking and are they working. You mentioned this has been a bad year for him and his grades. I just want to try to help if I can.
Beth 
jjmoore,
The co-worker should mind her own business.
I wouldn't talk about this stuff around the office anymore. Now you are working in a "hostile" environment and that isn't fair to you.
My son is 10 also. He has been on concerta since first grade, the end of it actually.
He has done a great job with grades and stuff, etc. Social is tough in my town, for anyone!! But he will be fine.
May I ask how we can help you with your son. What meds is he taking and are they working. You mentioned this has been a bad year for him and his grades. I just want to try to help if I can.
Beth
I kept it to myself at work (with the exception of a close friend who is married to a school psychologist in another district). what outed me was when the school nurse called the first week we started meds (vyvanse 30 mg) to say say he was in her office because of what she believed was side effects. I told her that he should just wait it out a few minutes because i too was certain it was the meds. This led to a bunch of questions from my co-workers nosey behind.
Funny thing is, though the co-workers sons are "normal" and she is a "good parent" her sons (21 and 17) are rude and not very independent. If anyone is a bad parent I'm thinking it's her lol!
Some of these same people that try to say that others are the "bad parents" are either the one's that have what I call the "beat 'em till they bleed" mentality or they stick their heads in the sand believing their kids do no wrong, that they are "misunderstood". Then when those same kids get to be young adults and begin to experiment with drug and alcohol or become promiscuous (self-medicating)they can't figure out what went wrong and want to blame it on peer pressure, television or society in general.
Just feel confident that you are involved enough in your children's life to be aware that he was suffering from a condition that there is proven treatment for and you didn't ignore the signs. You made the decision to medicate only when you saw that was the only choice left to you. Know that your child will appreciate the decisions you have made for him. It will allow him to develop a solid foundation to build the rest of his future on.
Everyone else's opinion is just static!
One thing that really irratated me with the discussion I had with my sister was her "concern" that he was going to be labelled. When I asked her, "well, what kind of label does a child that UNINTENTIONALLY hits classmates, runs around the room, spins in the middle of class, yells to get attention and can't sit still in class?" She didn't have an answer. SO I said, if you are that concerned about his being labeled (and self esteem) why don't you come and take him out for an afternoon once a month, or have him spend the night at your place from time to time?"...... her answer was, "I have a life!". Uh-huh. I replied "you have enough of a life to being completely uninvolved in a proactive way, but not enough of one to NOT call me and tell what I'm doing wrong, after seeing him for 1 hour...you don't even know him". She kinda lost it on me at that point. She knew she was wrong, but couldn't say it. Way to go, you IV leaguer you. 
I know just how you feel- the last time I spoke with my sister about the subject she said that sure she beleives it's a real disorder, but it's the way the parents treat the children that "triggers" it. She had no idea she'd even insulted me.
I agree with the other- arrange some quality time for you sis and son, first medicated then unmedicated, and then see what she thinks.
Although, I do have to say that the study you mentioned should be taken with a grain of salt. They focused on brain development and the results were interesting, but they admitted that they had yet to study the brain through it's entire spectrum of development, which isn't complete until the early twenties. They also don't know why some people continue to have symptoms as adults. The problem was that the media latched onto the "temporary" thing without clearly saying that the finding were that for some people it COULD be temporary, but that they don't really know yet. These studies are like peices to a puzzle- they build off each other and it takes a long time before you begin to see the big picture- and inevitably you also realize that a couple of peices were wedged in the wrong place.
To the OP: Aren't we sooo lucky to have this board? All your responders were supportive and gave some great suggestions. Had I not found this board, I would still feel so isolated, in some ways, when it comes to dealing with my DS and the challenges he/we face with ADHD. How cool it is to be able to "virtually vent," meet some great folks along the way, get an occasional pat on the back, some sound advice, and even some humor thrown in here and there.
Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Enjoy the time with your special ones...life goes by too fast.
Lucky the children with parents like those here on this board
[QUOTE=Az kristen]You know, i knew everything before i had kids. Boy does having a child make you feel stupid [/QUOTE]
TOO FUNNY! AND TRUE!
Try letting your sister see him off of his meds! That sure did it for my mom. Now, when he spends the night she'll say "Now, you packed his Adderall, right?" She watched him off of his meds all the time, and although he was trying, she would defend him and say "He's just all boy, let him be!" But once she saw him on meds, she was relieved and got to enjoy some wonderful time with him. Calm, fun and attentive. Once, I forgot to give him his meds and she had him for only an hour, she called me crying because he was so hard to deal with. It's tough, but honestly, I would just tell your sister that reading a text book is great but it's kind of like praying. If you don't ever get off of your knees, nothing is going to happen. Reading amd experiencing is totally different.
Thanks all. I hate drama, and for it to involve my kids at all is so wrong. I just don't understand why anyone outside the situation thinks its any of their business.Gee, I wonder why she isn't married with a family???
She may be intelligent, but certainly lacking in compassion and common sense. She obviously doens't think before she speaks.
Family really stinks when it comes to ADHD. They just don't get it. Nor do they seem to try.
And those "studies", lets just see how accurate they are.
People who are born with ADHD, unfortunately die still having ADHD. It doesn't go away. They either have learned how to handle it in their life or never had it to begin with. It is a neurological disorder.
Just my opinion.
I would honestly ignore anything she says to you or makes comments/suggestions on regarding your childs medication. To say that a childs brain is simply underdeveloped is a ridiculous conclusion....especially when you look at adults who have lived with ADD/ADHD their entire lives, many of whom are extremely sucessful. My best friend (who is actually a pharmicist) was so strongly against me taking medications for ADD/ADHD and has told me numerous times that she thinks it is an unfounded issue/disorder and that I am just flat out lazy. It angers me as she has no idea what it is like to live a life completely unorganized and unable to see a clear path to achieve full completion of simple tasks. What angers me even more is that when we were in college, she told me multiple times that she had a hard time studying and listening in class, and that people like me who took meds were just trying to cheat the system to do well in school....what?! She would also compare herself to me by saying that she was studying pharmacy and doing well, and that I was in Arts & Sciences which didn't require as much "brain power". Basically implying that I wasn't as smart as her. I will agree, I would fail algebra if I had to take it today, but I will say, that in all my life, especially as a child, even if I didn't do well in school I never once had a teacher say that I wasn't smart enough or unintelligent. In fact, it was always the opposite. Teachers were always telling my parents how creative I was, and that it seemed as though I was too smart for my own good. My attention and hyperactivity took over most of the time, and I couldn't control my thoughts when necessary. If anything, I would have to say that I think those with ADD/ADHD might actually be far more intelligent than people think, its just that there are so many thoughts running through our brains at once that it becomes difficult to become focused. My pharmicist friend doesn't think about anything, and never has much to say....so what if she can crunch a bunch of numbers and count a bunch of pills....while she refills my perscription at a job where she will be doing the same thing every day, I'm overseeing 13 stores and helping a small business shift to corporate. (And I'm 25!) So much for my underdeveloped brain...
There are always going to be people who agree or disagree with all types of disorders.....take Tom Cruise for example...never gave birth, so who is he to say a woman doesn't feel depressed after giving birth to the point of needing medication?
Medication for ADD/ADHD is certainly not the only solution...assisted and self training of organizational, mood and emotional behavior is important. What is even more important is that a person who has ADD/ADHD has the support and assistance of loved ones. As a parent, it is critical that you support your child and assist them in moving forward. I'm sure you have enough frustrations of your own at home dealing with a child with ADD/ADHD, and hearing the personal, outspoken opinion of your sister certainly doesn't help. Politely tell your sister how you feel, and if she holds firm and continues to harp on the issue, lay it to rest and never let it become part of conversation again.
I have a cousin who is a "psychologist", I dont actually recall her ever working a day in her life, but she has a degree in psychology. When she came to visit, we were discussing my daughter's meds and she stated that "all she needs is behavior modification, medications dont work, yaddi yaddi yaddi". We were in Target and it was late, my daughter's meds wore off. So I told her that I would be shopping on the other side of the store and would she mind hanging with my daughter. About 15 minutes later she came to find me, looked like she was going to have a nervous breakdown and screamed, "when can she take her meds next"???? She has a new understanding of ADHD and medications. Maybe your sister should spend a weekend with your son when he's not on medication. Or maybe she'd like to spend a few hours with my daughter when she's not on medication. It would certainly be an eye opener.
I also have friends who say things like, "just let her run around more, she'll get rid of all of that energy". It gets old trying to explain it all to someone who doesnt have an ADHD child.
May I say that my mother is a child psychologist ( retired) who had the nerve to tell me that my son simply wasnt getting enough attention and that it was all my fault!!!!!!!!
I asked her then who I could call for her crappy treatment of me while I was growing up. I had/have adhd and instead of medication or treatment, she simply ignored me, went on trips with my sisters, left me out and pushed me aside. I told her that I would NEVER treaty my child the way she treated me growing up and if she ever criticized me again, she would never see her grandchild again.
She shut up really quickly!!!!!!
Although I have not experienced exactly what you have I can put myself in your shoes. I have been put down for having my child in child care while I worked by my brother in-law and when it came time to tell the family that our son has ADHD I was reluctant to tell him for fear he would blame the child care on it. Fortunately he had mellowed some - I think my sister must have told him to quit it - and is completely supportive. I've also had a neighbor tell me how sad it is that my son was in child care while I worked - and she barely knew me at the time. (By the way my job is helping child care facilities evaluate their quality and work to improve it for higher child outcomes so all children have a chance at a good start in life, even if they can't be at home with Mom during the day) People just don't always think before they speak and often are so sure they are right that they aren't open to many ways of thinking.
I also know that all children are better for other than they are for Mom and Dad. Let's face it usually grandparents, friends and family are usually more fun than boring old Mom and Dad. Or they just realize when away from home they need to control themselves more but can let it all hang out at home. This is true for those with ADHD too.
As for studies - I am highly sceptical of anything I read in the news, etc. about studies as they are often only focusing on a small portion of the end result of the study - the part that will cause the most stir for readers. Once your headache clears, see if you can look into the study your sister referred to, read the end result report and point out the positive things it found. I've done this with my brother-in-law before when he saw some study that only pointed out bad aspects of child care or misconstrued the results of the study.
Good Luck!
[QUOTE=Sherilynne64]I have a cousin who is a "psychologist", I dont actually recall her ever working a day in her life, but she has a degree in psychology. [/QUOTE]
I have a degree in Psychology, and here I am on the boards! All those books smarts I've got don't do me any good. (and I am not in the field) Reading about a thing, and living it just doesn't compare.
I agree, Twodoodles, there is a huge difference between reading about things and living them. My cousin got her degree probably about 30 years ago. Things were very different back then. I guess I resented her giving me psychological advice since she chose not to practice psychology. I have a degree in computer science but never went into that field. I would never presume to tell someone how to program their computers.
I guess I also resented her giving me advice when she did such a bad job raising her own children. To hear her spouting psychological advice makes me want to ask her a few serious questions. But I'm trying to keep the family peace. I would rather educate her in this matter than alienate her.