Neighborhood moms call my daughter mean | ADHD Information

Hi everyone, I am a newbie here. I am so glad to have found this!!! We just got the ADHD diagnosis two weeks ago for my daughter who is 9. We are still working through the therapist / pediatrician, etc., on the medication thing but for now she is not yet medicated

Anyway, a year ago, we moved to a rather close knit neighborhood. There are kids everywhere in the evenings and weekends. My kids (I have twins as well as Emma) like to play outside too so they have been interacting a lot with the neighborhood kids. Problem is, my daughter (with ADHD) is bossy, aggressive, and has been mean to them. She denies it and doesn't do it around me, but I know she has been and I have talked to her about it a zillion times. I have to work outside of the home (as does my hubby) to make ends meet, so now we have the reputation of "that horrible family with the mean daughter". One of the people went so far as to send me an email inferring that I must be a horrible person to have such a mean daughter, and that it must be because I work outside the home and I don't spend enough time with her. Can you believe this!!!??? One of them screamed at my daughter, in front of a group of kids, calling her "Evil" and shaking her finger right in her face.

It is literally so bad now that I do not let my kids outside. Today one little girl rang our doorbell and said, "My mommy said I could play overhere but if Emma says any bad words I need to go home immediately." I can't be right behind the girls when they are outside, or in for that matter (I have to do laundry etc!!!). What can we do? Hide in our house? I really don't feel like sharing with these awful people my daughter's new diagnosis. Have any of you had these issues?

I tried to talk to one lady once and it was a disaster. People think ADHD is a joke or a pretend diagnosis when all my daughter "really needs" is a mom who stays home all day, like they do. Also, will medication help this behavior? I feel like we are genuinely good parents and good people who are doing the best that we can... HELLLLPPPPPP!!!!

Thanks and God Bless you all,

Julie

Medication can change some things right away others are best helped by a social skills class. It might take a couple of trys to get the medication right but it is wworth it in the end.Medication can certainly help with impulsivity. HAs your daughter's therapist or school suggested a social skills group? That can help a lot.

Now that you have a diagnosis and help in place, there is a lot you can do to help your daughter. I wish I could say the same about the adults in your neighborhood! I can't believe someone would call a child "evil!" Oh my!

Are they really all that bad? Is there one mom who seems more understanding who you can try and get to know a little better? I wouldn't use the term ADHD - it's way too loaded unfortunately. Maybe just say that you and your daughter are working on her impulse control and bossiness. That lets someone know that you are aware of what's going on without seeming to make excuses for it.

To me, it seems like there are a lot of parents out there who don't care that their kids can be mean. My kids have been on the receiving end of it, so I know how it feels. But I would be a whole lot more understanding about it if I knew that the parents were aware of it and trying to work on it.

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, I am a stay-at-home mom with 2 kids with ADHD. What would they say about me?

Nobody wants their kid getting hurt by another kid but calling your child "evil" and verbally abusing her isn't going to help the situation *sigh*

Sometimes KIDS know more than the parents what's going on. I remember a "mean" boy in our neighbourhood and I played with him all the time. He had something + tourette's and in those days nobody knew what that was. But as a KID I knew there was something he couldn't help. All the parent's complained. One day he smashed my head into the pavement. Fortunately his mom came out and saved me. I still played with him because he was absolutely guilt-ridden when he "came to".

Are there any kids willing to play with her? Can you or hubby supervise a bit now and again

IF there is some kid or an adult who can understand that your daughter is different somehow but still like her--that could take her a long way. Details and diagnosis don't matter--how they manage to handle your daughter's situation IS.

I like the idea of saying "we're working on it" because that can go a long way

Well, since your daughter is 9 and goes to school, what good would your staying home do her? That's a silly argument. Perhaps all you can do until you can get her impulses under control is to insist that they all play in your house, and insist that her siblings stay with her. There is nothing wrong with emphasizing that family sticks together. And don't you want to limit her exposure to these foolish adults?!

As for the neighborhood children, it could take more choreography than Riverdance. I started by listening to who my son talked about and inviting one child at a time over on early-release days and kept it to about two hours. That first six months I made sure to have activities planned so that there would be no reason for bored arguments: playdough, Shrinky Dinks, legos, castles, a trip to Family Video, ice cream. Plan way too many things in case something is a bomb. Unfortunately, until the tide of opinion about your daughter changes, you have to look at these as play dates for you, too. You have to be present and close by in case something starts to go wonky. It's always good to have something the child can take home with them, too, like something they made. That shows the other parents that you don't just sit them in front of the television or video games. Avoid multiple children situations until her impulsivity is totally under control, because when the focus is divided among several children, she may act out to bring it back to her.

I know this sounds totally contrived, and it is, but you're providing opportunities for her to succeed in this new neighborhood, to build a foundation for years to come. It takes a long time to overcome a bad start. Your intense focus now means that later you can relax.

BPQW39412.3831134259

IMO, you are on the right track by being aware of and honestly assessing the situation plus making positive choices towards helping and supporting your daughter and family, regardless of the fact that you work outside of the home. It's a far better approach than those parents, who ignore difficult situations with their children/are in denial, regardless of whether they are "stay-at-home" workers or "out-of-home" workers.

In retrospect, as a mom of a 16yo son (ADHD), I feel making people aware (i.e., in our case, teachers, principals, guidance counselers, and neighbors) that you are addressing the situation (as other posters have noted) and then following through really does make a difference.

It's a long journey but a "do-able" one. Hang in there and keep your chin up. No investment of extra time and energy to help our kids is really ever wasted.

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Julie

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Julie, my daughter is going through the same thing in the neighborhood. At one point a few weeks ago, a little girl was on restriction from playing with my daughter but was allowed to play with the other neighbor child. She cried, and was so upset. I have recently started her on Straterra, it seemed to be working but now she is still aggressive. Like everyone says, it takes time to figure out the right dosage and med. I have been in denial that she might have ADHD since she was 4, and she is now going on 8. She also , like your daughter feels remorse when she is bossy, impulsive , aggresive and all of the above. your a good mom, as I am. I work outside the home too. Her Phych appt. is Dec. 7th, so hopefully we will find out exactly what her diagnosis is. With my daughter it has also affected her relationship with the rest of the family. For example, grandparents, her Aunt and Uncle. My daughter doesn't get to go to outings and do the same things as the other grandkids. In fact, my oldest who is 12 they play favortism too. And there is another grandchild whom is 10, he gets to go and do things too. I'm here with you and know EXACTLY what your going through.

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I use these tactics, I agree with BPQW

I agree with BPQW do planned play dates and one on one. Do this A LOT. Yes it's a pian, but it is the only way kids will play with your daughter one on one and gives her the opportunity to feel comfortable. I know with my daughter when she is unsure how to act she gets annoyingly silly. Which was fine at 8 or 9, but is no longer fine at 13. BPQW is alos right about overplanning all the playdates, our children get bored easily

, and if your daughter is at all like mine, she can never decide what to do. Also by you being there you can guide the playdate, like you would with a prechooler, intervening when things start to get shaky. Even if you do not feel you can do this with the neighborhood kids, do it with school friends.

Hi and Welcome. I agree about not mentioning the ADHD thing directly. Most people DON"T get it, and unfortunately it is very frustrating to us ADHD parents, but you don't need to feel alone, all of us "Get it", so feel free to vent anytime

I can't believe those mean parents, that is crazy...

As far as medication, it's a very personal decision. It helps my 5 year with impulse issues. I find it necessary actually. No one wants to medicate their child, but for me, the good far outweighs the bad. Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's late now and I'm fried, but I wanted to tell you all thanks. You know, I was all keyed up when I logged in and now I feel relaxed, almost like a sigh of relief that there are other people going through this and I'm no longer alone. It's a nice feeling. :) G'night.Glad you got something out of it. Tomorrow's a new day