It’s so hard... | ADHD Information
Just needing to talk to some friends who know what I'm going through! Yes, it's a venting session...
Our ds is six and in first grade. we've had our ups and downs but he has been doing pretty well lately (last few months). However this past week has been a nightmare, you guys. He's constantly talking negative (I don't get anything I want...I wanted more but there is none), it's constant. Mornings are hell, afternoons with free time are like a monkey in a zoo cage full of bananas...I feel like I need to have every minute of every day structured for him, is that possible? I don't feel like that's possible!!
And he's really getting into the habit of talking negative about himself. It breaks my heart. I got really upset the first few times he tried this and explained to him that God didn't make him 'an idiot' or 'stupid' and then I would list all (or a lot of) his good traits. Well, now, when he gets in trouble that is the first thing he starts doing...
We have two other boys (the oldest being my step son) and I feel like they just get neglected due to us always always having to deal with ds. It's so frustrating when they all try to play together because DS is the one who throws fits or gets overboard no matter what they're doing. He'll be flipping around when they're playing tag or he'll be the one to hurt the others' hands when they're playing cars because he crashes... (does 'don't grab your brother's feet while he's running sound familiar? Yep, same kiddo! ) the list goes on and on. I have so much guilt for ds. I love him so much but I feel like we are hindered from showing him that more often because of his antics. My dh's parents have six grandchildren and DS is the one who is always 'acting up'. So, the other five will be playing and my ds is usually running to tag along.They tend to keep away from him lately... He's liked by so many kids at his school and loved so much by our family. But when he's in his 'funk' for lack of a better word, it's trying on everyone to appreciate him. Then, there's the flip side. This wonderfully creative, sweet and sincere kid. that's the hardest part. It's hard on his cousins, brothers and friends, too. I'm thankful for the good side but the flip flopping is taking its toll on my heart! when your kids are sick and you start feeling sick...that's what I feel like each time I see him struggling. It's like it's my personal struggle, too.
What hurts worse is I know he feels it, too. He knows. But that 'funk' side of him makes him not care for that time being. Yet he'll say "I'm just no fun for everyone here..." And in my frustration, some times, I say "No, you're not right now." 
There are so many different emotions involved, I feel exhausted. I try so hard to maintain control of my emotions for his sake and for the rest of my family. I try to focus on the positives more than not...but lately he's really challenging me and I'm not up for it, I guess.
Don't you ever wonder what they'll be like at 16 when they're only 6? I'm terrified. I don't want him carrying these bag of 'tricks' and negativity with him at that age. Some times I fear his rebellion at that age because he tends to really speak harshly to me (only b/c he's learned it from me in my weak moments, I'm sure), although not to his dad. DH keeps telling me that he's nervous about how I'm going to cope when DS is older. We're both, to be quite honest, very concerned about his more 'independent' years. It's hard not to kind of mirror image him at this age to those years...but is it fair? Completely overwhelming.
I'm sorry for the negativity in this post. But I had to let it out. I can't keep it buried one more minute and I can't take it home. Dad feeds off of mom, you know?
Anyway, if not for anything else, thank you for letting me blurt my feelings out here. I needed it.
ilovemyboys39412.581724537I just had a small vent session myself and know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to cope because you see both sides; the creative, goofy, funny kid who smiles and laughs easily as well as the kid that explodes when you tell him that he has to use finger spacing instead of crunching his letters together or can't stop babbling in the car for 8 hours straight going down to see the gramps.
Ours is 6 as well and shows so much potential with regards to his creativeness, love for music and schoolastic aptitude. Unfortunately, he has such a tough time dealing with adversity at school that kids his age are not sure what to expect from him and tend to shy away from playing with him. He wants so much to be accepted but cannot seem to easily do what comes naturally to others. Heck, my wife had to go pick him up from school today b/c of an anger outburst. Fortunately they are no longer physically violent so at least there's some improvement.
I feel your pain but truly believe that if we can just find a way to help them focus on their strengths (seems to typically be creative in nature) then they will do just fine. Of course I've always been a glass half full kind of person.
Just wanted to let you guys know that I really, really appreciate you taking time to talk with me...
Everything you say is true and means a lot coming from you because you're not reading a textbook to me, you're giving me the 'been there done that' advice.
I woke up this morning feeling better. I went to bed acknowledging a lot that I do that doesn't contribute anything good and have my own 'to work on' list. The only thing I can say right now is he is loved. Very much. And his dad and I are doing our best...day by day.
Metis, you are so right about him growing into an adult. He's not one, yet, so we're molding him. My kids are my world and my husband tells me all the time I need to get a hobby!
I need to give them more credit.
It is a tiring job but I hope that we're rewarded in the end when he grows up (and his brothers, too) to be wonderful, Christian young men. 'Average' is dandy with me.
I also loved the example given of a strategized conversation...it would minimize the b.s. ds and I tend to dish out during these moments. I really like our 'do-over' method, it works really well...MOST of the time. When that fails me, I have failed to have a back up. Usually if I try our do-over moment and it doesn't work, I'm completely frustrated. That's when the lashing out and regrettable moments occur, or 'poor responses' ( I liked that). I hate the yelling. YUCK
I just don't want to ruin him for life and end up on Dr. Phil when he's 21!! 
(You have to admit, was kind of funny...I giggled.)
Anyone but Dr. Phil!! I remember when he did an evening special about 5 years ago and a family with a 9-year-old son were the guests. The 9-year-old had some serious, serious issues going on, including setting things on fire. His advice was clean out his bedroom, make him sleep on a mattress on the floor, and give him "tough love." He also blamed the dad for traveling so much for work. It was dad's fault because he wasn't home enough. Anyway, I am screaming inside, "this kid needs a psychiatrist!!! He is mentally ill!!!" And that was before we were even seeing a psychiatrist for our ADHD son. I think that Dr. Phil was completely unethical with that family and caused them great harm. And that's one of the few times I've ever watched him, so who knows what other havoc he's wreaking.Anyway, MetisRebel, it's time you opened your own ADHD counseling service. We'll all have you on speed dial.
lovemyboys -- I know that feeling of frustration, especially around family who just doesn't "get it." I finally realized that I am not responsible for his every action and giving up that control felt so good! I quit caring what anyone in my extended family thought because I knew that we were doing the right things with him but sometimes he will still act out in ways that other kids don't. Having DS properly medicated helped a lot because life became more normal anyway. [I'm not sure where you are on the medication continuum.] You don't have to be a perfect mom!!! You are also here to enjoy life. Your son will be in your life forever, so you will have to find a way to live your life and reach your goals even though his chaos is encroaching on your peace-of-mind. Do you have a place to go or a time to be alone that doesn't have to do with your kids? We all need that!
I have found that it has gotten easier with our son lately. The 3 years behind thing is definitely true, so now we have an appropriate 5-year-old in our house
.Well, the time alone is pretty non existent. My family is a very busy family. My parents and in laws travel for leisure a lot, they earned that. And my husband travels a lot for work...kind of leaves me in the middle of nowhere, huh! And we actually do live in the middle of nowhere, so finding a sitter is...well, by the time I do all the work to get alone, I'll be even more exhausted.
I try to really enjoy my time after their bedtimes. It works out pretty nice.
I don't know, I'm really at a loss for words because I'm just totally at the point where there are going to have to be some changes. Real significant changes and a lot of them are going to need to be done in the welfare of my mental and emotional state. It is truly the most draining 'job' I've ever had.
DS is on Aderall 10mg, and we just recently had a check up. Dr said everything seems to be going well...and it was at the time. I don't think it's medicine related, it's his attitude. A six year old testing out his 'place'. It's my job to get that under control without strangling him in the process and that's where the challenge lays. I'm working on it...one day at a time.
This may be something to look in to. He struggles in school. I don't know what a typical first grader does, though. So to me, he struggles like any other child. He is in a special reading program... I don't know. I guess we'll find out at report card time, first quarter didn't get grades. I just don't know at this point. I may need to start asking more questions to DS instead of statements. [QUOTE=Joy2]Anyone but Dr. Phil!! I remember when he did an evening special about 5 years ago and a family with a 9-year-old son were the guests. The 9-year-old had some serious, serious issues going on, including setting things on fire. His advice was clean out his bedroom, make him sleep on a mattress on the floor, and give him "tough love." He also blamed the dad for traveling so much for work. It was dad's fault because he wasn't home enough. Anyway, I am screaming inside, "this kid needs a psychiatrist!!! He is mentally ill!!!" And that was before we were even seeing a psychiatrist for our ADHD son. I think that Dr. Phil was completely unethical with that family and caused them great harm. And that's one of the few times I've ever watched him, so who knows what other havoc he's wreaking.
The guy is a horror. I just want to know WHO clinically supervised this guy when he was practising???!!! If one of my staff [I supervised outreach workers who were also drug users, it's called "peer staff"] had continually said that judgmental crap to clients I'd have stuck them in the back room packing outreach baggies
I listened to him ONCE and just about heaved up my lunch. A married gay man called. Phil [he's no doctor in my book] told him to give up his lover and go back to his wife and kids--spend the rest of his life living a lie. The obvious solution was for the guy to be honest with his wife and kids and tell them that it wasn't about anything THEY did--he was just wired that way. Go off with his lover and get co-custody or something. Anything but continue living that lie because nobody can tell me his wife and kids couldn't tell SOMETHING was "not right" with daddy.
And you're right--that child was showing obvious signs of psychopathology and that's a BIG problem all the 'way around. The parents must have been FREAKIN'!
Anyway, MetisRebel, it's time you opened your own ADHD counseling service. We'll all have you on speed dial.
Actually, this board honestly makes me wonder if I shouldn't go into that area. Less burn out and stress. I am considering it--but nobody is funding much in this city around adult ADHD.lovemyboys -- I know that feeling of frustration, especially around family who just doesn't "get it." I finally realized that I am not responsible for his every action and giving up that control felt so good! I quit caring what anyone in my extended family thought because I knew that we were doing the right things with him but sometimes he will still act out in ways that other kids don't. Having DS properly medicated helped a lot because life became more normal anyway. [I'm not sure where you are on the medication continuum.] You don't have to be a perfect mom!!!
You are also here to enjoy life.
YES YES YES!!!
Your son will be in your life forever, so you will have to find a way to live your life and reach your goals even though his chaos is encroaching on your peace-of-mind. Do you have a place to go or a time to be alone that doesn't have to do with your kids? We all need that!
I have found that it has gotten easier with our son lately. The 3 years behind thing is definitely true, so now we have an appropriate 5-year-old in our house
I guess this means we're always "young at heart"?
[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=ilovemyboys]This may be something to look in to. He struggles in school. I don't know what a typical first grader does, though. So to me, he struggles like any other child. He is in a special reading program... I don't know. I guess we'll find out at report card time, first quarter didn't get grades. I just don't know at this point. I may need to start asking more questions to DS instead of statements.[/QUOTE]
Why don't you root around the web and find some stuff on expectation of first grade?
I wouldn't just settle on North America because the Europeans have higher expectations and I'd want to know what they think is "normal" too.
Man, talk about timing. I jumped on here to vent (and I still will) and found more"soulparents"! Happens every time, I love these boards. I just wanted you to know I feel for you on all aspects of your post...you're not alone. I'm glad all the good people here helped raise your spirits, they have helped me alot. I had a DS bad day today, and wanted to call a friend/family...but experience has shown me that just doesn't work....so here I am.
Keep your chin up, I know its hard, but you are doing a great job!
[QUOTE=leftymom]I also bought an ipod and when I start getting edgy, I use it and can cope much better![/QUOTE]Ooohh, I like that. Christmas present for mom!
Last night was a lot better...when he started his 'meltdown' I just looked at him and asked him "What do you want me to know? Let's cut through all the drama and tell me what you want me to get out of this conversation..." And he just looked at me and said "I'm just not good at nothin'." And so I looked at him and just said "Tristen, I love you dearly. Each day I tell you that and I try to show you all the wonderful things that you are that are so good. But tonight, why don't you tell me something good about yourself?" And he DID!! He said he was good at art and being a good friend!! Yay!!
Lots of smiles. I just tucked him in and said "Tomorrow is going to be a great day, so let's get to sleep." And this morning was good...until I didn't let him take a snack on the bus. And at that point, I said "Suck it up, brother, you will be alright!" He looked at me like 
and we both laughed! How funny.
Thanks for this 'conversation', you can't imagine the relief I get from our chats. Thanks so much. (Ipod gift sounds great!!) And in the meantime, I'm going to be researching around. I need the info on expectations of a first grader AND I need to remind DS that he IS good at some things while he may struggle with others. I tell him all the time that school wasn't easy for me until I hit college and got mature enough to take it seriously.
[QUOTE=ilovemyboys]This may be something to look in to. He struggles in school. I don't know what a typical first grader does, though. So to me, he struggles like any other child. He is in a special reading program... I don't know. I guess we'll find out at report card time, first quarter didn't get grades. I just don't know at this point. I may need to start asking more questions to DS instead of statements.[/QUOTE]In my experience, kids become aware of ability differences in 1st grade. Many children actually don't struggle -- hard to believe when you have one who does, but it's true. I was one who never struggled -- all the way through high school -- it just came naturally. I honestly thought that other kids must be "dumb" because it's so easy!! A pox on me. That's why God gave me a child with ADHD and some other interesting quirks and learning differences -- because my slice of humble pie was FAR too small earlier in life
. In first grade, my son became aware of the "smart" kids and compared himself to them (to one in particular). The kids become more competitive amongst themselves, too. I don't think that a child will voluntarily say that he is stupid unless he believes it.
OK, this is far afield, but I found the Dr. Phil show that I was talking about. Guess it was only 3 years ago. I wasn't the only one upset by it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A63905-2004Sep30?la nguage=printer
You know, I got to a point where I'd wake in the morning and wonder how I was going to get thru the day - the struggles, the defiance, the messes, etc. I talked to my primary care physician and got an anti-depressant that helped a lot. I never needed one before, but found coping with my difficult son and younger sibling was overwhelming. I never felt on top of things or in control, and I felt like everything was just "getting thru" so there was no joy and that didn't feel right. It's much better now. I let the kids fight it out most of the time. If they are outright obnoxious I send them to their rooms for some P&Q on my end. They'll be fine. But if they're mom falls apart, they won't. Maybe you can't get a sitter, but you could plan a quiet night where they get movie and popcorn or treats, sleep on the floor, whatever, and you get to lock yourself in your bedroom and watch a movie to get away from it all. I also bought an ipod and when I start getting edgy, I use it and can cope much better!
Oh, I'm with you hon! My daughter can be so trying at times, that its hard to keep from pulling out my own hair. She gets frustrated so easily when things don't go her way...but most children do.
Lately she's been saying "I hate myself" and it tears me up inside, knowing what a struggle each day is for her. I have never seen a child try so hard in my life, and I am constantly praising her for her hard work. Her hard work has been paying off too...but mornings are still the most trying time of day. Its so hard to keep her focused on the tasks she needs to accomplish: getting dressed, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, getting shoes on, preparing backpack...sometimes I just want to do it all for her, it seems such an effort. But, I think she is getting more independent. I also believe with all my heart that as she gets older, her ADHD will improve. I have to believe it...I just have to!
Good luck!
For everyone worrying about 16 with a 6 year old.....really try not to. SO much changes. Also remember that a child of 6 with ADHD has the maturity of a 3 or 4 year old, so again, dont have expectations too high. Don't feel too bad when your son realizes he amking things difficult because that in itself is showing some level of maturity.
As far as the completely structured day, my daughter is 13 and needs a completely structured day. I still have to tell her, ok, now get dressed, ok now make your bed, ok now breakfast, ok now go brush your hair and teeth, etc, etc, and that just our morning routine....WHEW!! BUT........after many years of this same old, same old, there are things she will do independantly, like gettig up, dressed, bed made before coming to kitchen to eat, then does her things, it has been long slow (lots of fights) prgoress, but I emphasize progress. If we go out of order something gets missed..............so what can you do some days the bed gets forgotten or the homeowrk didnt get done, but every day we try.............really hard, and every night we're both exhausted.
[QUOTE=ilovemyboys]Just needing to talk to some friends who know what I'm going through! Yes, it's a venting session...
Our ds is six and in first grade. we've had our ups and downs but he has been doing pretty well lately (last few months). However this past week has been a nightmare, you guys. He's constantly talking negative (I don't get anything I want...I wanted more but there is none), it's constant. Mornings are hell, afternoons with free time are like a monkey in a zoo cage full of bananas...I feel like I need to have every minute of every day structured for him, is that possible? I don't feel like that's possible!!
And he's really getting into the habit of talking negative about himself. It breaks my heart. I got really upset the first few times he tried this and explained to him that God didn't make him 'an idiot' or 'stupid' and then I would list all (or a lot of) his good traits. Well, now, when he gets in trouble that is the first thing he starts doing...
Get one one of those signs on the fridge with the kid "God don't make no junk"
Listing someone's good traits when they're fragged doesn't work--as I'm sure you noticed.
Instead of trying to talk him out of his self-hate try re-directing it.
"I'm sure you feel awful right now [validation]
but I have every faith in you that you can work this out. Did something happen that we can work on to solve the problem? [structuring the problem]
Is there anything I can do to help you work this out? [offer of support/assistance and putting the responsibility in the right place]"
We have two other boys (the oldest being my step son) and I feel like they just get neglected due to us always always having to deal with ds. It's so frustrating when they all try to play together because DS is the one who throws fits or gets overboard no matter what they're doing. He'll be flipping around when they're playing tag or he'll be the one to hurt the others' hands when they're playing cars because he crashes... (does 'don't grab your brother's feet while he's running sound familiar? Yep, same kiddo! 
) the list goes on and on.
Let the kids work their own stuff out. Stay out of it unless a small one is getting hurt. You'd be amazed at what kids work out when there's no adults around to give attention.
I have so much guilt for ds. I love him so much but I feel like we are hindered from showing him that more often because of his antics.
Love is unconditional. Attention and reward come with expectations
My dh's parents have six grandchildren and DS is the one who is always 'acting up'. So, the other five will be playing and my ds is usually running to tag along.They tend to keep away from him lately... He's liked by so many kids at his school and loved so much by our family. But when he's in his 'funk' for lack of a better word, it's trying on everyone to appreciate him.
Sometimes, the most painful thing is to watch someone we care about, struggling. Yet they can't learn to live in this world without some serious struggling.
All we can do is tell them when they're ready--we're there for them.
Then, there's the flip side. This wonderfully creative, sweet and sincere kid. that's the hardest part. It's hard on his cousins, brothers and friends, too. I'm thankful for the good side but the flip flopping is taking its toll on my heart! when your kids are sick and you start feeling sick...that's what I feel like each time I see him struggling. It's like it's my personal struggle, too.
As painful as it is--stand back sometimes. You're raising him to be an adult and some things you simply can't do for him.
What hurts worse is I know he feels it, too. He knows. But that 'funk' side of him makes him not care for that time being. Yet he'll say "I'm just no fun for everyone here..." And in my frustration, some times, I say "No, you're not right now."
We've all said those kinds of things. You might try something along the lines of, "We're not always here to have fun. We're here to be a family."
There are so many different emotions involved, I feel exhausted. I try so hard to maintain control of my emotions for his sake and for the rest of my family. I try to focus on the positives more than not...but lately he's really challenging me and I'm not up for it, I guess.
Stop it.
You're wearing yourself out trying to be supermom for everyone. Get out and enjoy yourself. Be less available so they all appreciate your efforts more.
Let your feelings show sometimes. There's no "inappropriate" [i hate that word!] only poor responses.
Don't you ever wonder what they'll be like at 16 when they're only 6? I'm terrified. I don't want him carrying these bag of 'tricks' and negativity with him at that age. Some times I fear his rebellion at that age because he tends to really speak harshly to me (only b/c he's learned it from me in my weak moments, I'm sure), although not to his dad. DH keeps telling me that he's nervous about how I'm going to cope when DS is older. We're both, to be quite honest, very concerned about his more 'independent' years. It's hard not to kind of mirror image him at this age to those years...but is it fair? Completely overwhelming.
Your raising an adult. Right now, just focus on encouraging him to be more independent and learn for himself day by day. Worry about the teen years when they get here or you won't be able to enjoy your family NOW.
I'm sorry for the negativity in this post. But I had to let it out. I can't keep it buried one more minute and I can't take it home. Dad feeds off of mom, you know?
Anyway, if not for anything else, thank you for letting me blurt my feelings out here. I needed it.
You're probably doing better than you think. You aren't raising Hannibal Lektor here and you aren't the Black Widow, either