Medicine Debate with Ex | ADHD Information
How is ur son now. Does ur ex finally see that u are doing your best.My heart goes out to you. I'm divorced. I received a lot of flack about my son taking meds when I originally received the diagnosis. Maybe I'm wrong, but I bet "dad" has his share of guilt about the situation too and being divorced only makes you an easy target.
I would encourage as much "positive" communication between the two of you as possible. I know that can be difficult, but try to come together for your child. I agree with the earlier post about copies of dr reports or school reports that reinforce the positive. If dad doesn't work, maybe he could spend some time observing your son in his classroom. Does he attend parent teacher conferences and events at the school?
I also recommend using any behavioral strategies that work for dad (ask him what works!) Consistency is important. Maybe you two can use a combination of things that provide support, a united front as well as consistency. Consider a parenting class. I don't know ... I'd say use the fact that dad doesn't work to your advantage.
There's no reason the behavior strategies cant work for the other children in your household. I can attest that working together will only make things better in the long run.
Hang in there!
[QUOTE=thirstytri]I need serious advice on how to deal with my ex and my ds taking medication for his ADHD. We have been separated since my ds was one. I knew at 3 that something was not exactly right with my ds as he was kicked out of his first preschool. I like to put the blame on totally different parenting skills and his shifting back and forth between homes, but now I think he really does have ADHD and looking at him I think I had it as well as a child but was somehow able to work thru it on my own.
I married a wonderful man who has practically raised my ds since he was 18 mths old. Anyway in a nutshell we moved away from the ex to a new city after a natural disaster. So we had that drama on top of moving to a new place with new friends. It took my ds's entire prek year for the teacher and the school administrator to sit me down and tell me that they thought my ds had a problem. So I took him to a psychologist and his pediatrician and they both agreed that he definitely had ADHD.
He was in risk of being kicked out of another school and his behavior was causing a serious rift at home with my husband and our other two children. So against my better judgement, I put him on Daytrana. I have terrible guilt over this and am constantly hammered by my ex over the use of medication. He says I don't take the time to change his diet, use behavior modification etc. Quite honestly, I tried all that briefly and it was not working.
I work full time and have two other small children that also need my attention. I cannot solely focus on my ds and his behavior as it is not fair to the other two children who need me as well. So my ds is on Daytrana and I use it on the weekends and the summer b/c quite frankly I cannot handle him without it. He does very well in school and his behavior problems are gone. Yes, he doesn't have the personality he once had, but he isn't fighting and acting act. The school has been a huge help in letting me know if he is under or over medicated.
At the same time, my ex seems to think he would be a better parent b/c he has the "time" to take care of my ds (he doesn't work and has no other children). My ds has always lived with me and gets very anxious when he is away from his sisters for extended periods of time and wants to come home every time he goes for a weekend visit. The ex's latest thing is to send my ds away to summer camp for 3 weeks (he is only 7) 4 states away. I am VERY against this. He also tells me I should not have him on medicine when he isn't in school.....
So please help me? What do I do? I cannot sleep at night worried some lawyer will come along and take away my child b/c I don't have time to treat him without medication? I worry about my son taking the meds. I worry about my daughters and what their lives would be like if he wasn't on meds. The list is endless. I am sitting here crying b/c I can hardly take all the stress.
Anyone out there have any advice, I would appreciate it as I am trying to hold my life together and my heart is aching. Thanks.
[/QUOTE]Quite frankly, I could have written this myself. (minus having other children)
You haven't mentioned your custody situation or your state of residence. THIS IS CRITICAL information with regards to this question you are asking.
I have joint custody which means we had to MUTUALLY decide what to do and if we disagreed we would have to go to court and make our case.
In my experience, HAVING ONLY ONE CHILD TO WORRY ABOUT, it wouldn't matter whether or not you had more "time" to deal with his ADHD. Further, to me, and perhaps some courts, if your child has a medical need for medicine, and it isn't given, it is actually abuse.
Now, that is a blanket statement, I realize. Many courts haven't wanted to take a firm view on this issue.
Again, in my opinion, if your child truly has ADHD NOT having him or her on meds is a recipe for low self esteem, bad grades, and lots of failure. Get it into your mind that this is no different than any other ailment and NOT giving medicine is the bad thing, not the reverse.
Oh, and as far as behavior mods, diet, etc. my son's father made me go through all of that before he allowed me to put him on his meds. NONE of it made a difference. Meds=miracle for my son. Hold your head up proudly. It is this ignorant media and celebrities, religions, etc. putting it into minds that due to the nature of the medication it is only bad. WHICH REALLY ANGERS ME.
Life will still challenge you no matter that he has meds or not. Just make sure he is on the right ones, learn as much as you can about ADHD, and never compare your ADHD child to his siblings/peers etc. as his load to carry in life is much more difficult and different.
To me, listening to your story, the worst thing you could do is move him away from what he knows. Stick with your 6th sense, it is usually right.
I need serious advice on how to deal with my ex and my ds taking medication for his ADHD. We have been separated since my ds was one. I knew at 3 that something was not exactly right with my ds as he was kicked out of his first preschool. I like to put the blame on totally different parenting skills and his shifting back and forth between homes, but now I think he really does have ADHD and looking at him I think I had it as well as a child but was somehow able to work thru it on my own.
I married a wonderful man who has practically raised my ds since he was 18 mths old. Anyway in a nutshell we moved away from the ex to a new city after a natural disaster. So we had that drama on top of moving to a new place with new friends. It took my ds's entire prek year for the teacher and the school administrator to sit me down and tell me that they thought my ds had a problem. So I took him to a psychologist and his pediatrician and they both agreed that he definitely had ADHD.
He was in risk of being kicked out of another school and his behavior was causing a serious rift at home with my husband and our other two children. So against my better judgement, I put him on Daytrana. I have terrible guilt over this and am constantly hammered by my ex over the use of medication. He says I don't take the time to change his diet, use behavior modification etc. Quite honestly, I tried all that briefly and it was not working.
I work full time and have two other small children that also need my attention. I cannot solely focus on my ds and his behavior as it is not fair to the other two children who need me as well. So my ds is on Daytrana and I use it on the weekends and the summer b/c quite frankly I cannot handle him without it. He does very well in school and his behavior problems are gone. Yes, he doesn't have the personality he once had, but he isn't fighting and acting act. The school has been a huge help in letting me know if he is under or over medicated.
At the same time, my ex seems to think he would be a better parent b/c he has the "time" to take care of my ds (he doesn't work and has no other children). My ds has always lived with me and gets very anxious when he is away from his sisters for extended periods of time and wants to come home every time he goes for a weekend visit. The ex's latest thing is to send my ds away to summer camp for 3 weeks (he is only 7) 4 states away. I am VERY against this. He also tells me I should not have him on medicine when he isn't in school.....
So please help me? What do I do? I cannot sleep at night worried some lawyer will come along and take away my child b/c I don't have time to treat him without medication? I worry about my son taking the meds. I worry about my daughters and what their lives would be like if he wasn't on meds. The list is endless. I am sitting here crying b/c I can hardly take all the stress.
Anyone out there have any advice, I would appreciate it as I am trying to hold my life together and my heart is aching. Thanks.
It is really hard to deal with a child with ADHD, so do not beat yourself up because it is hard. We have all been there. Some tips:
Look at Ogram's marble thread at the top of the parent's board. It is a positive reinforcement behavior plan. Start with 2 or 3 behaviors that he needs to work on. A behavior plan is a very important part of ADHD treatment, as are social skills and other training. These are usually implemented once meds are on board and work better then.
You should see if you can get letters from the teacher and principal about your son's school improvements on meds. Ask them to emphasize the achademic and social improvements that they have seen.
If the doc will write a letter of the diagnosis and his/her treatment plan this can help. Have him/her include whether the med can be stopped on weekends or needs to be continued daily.
Print out information for long term risks of untreated ADHD, unproven treatments and the treatment consensus statements from the various medical groups:
Make a copy for your ex and keep the originals all together. You will have tried to educate your ex on appropriate medical care for ADHD and you will also feel better because you realize that your ex cannot take your son away because you are providing this care.
You might post this on the parent's board. Many parents have gone through this and you will get more help.
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