Help w/ adult son who is now a father! | ADHD Information

I desperately need advice. My son is 19 yo and a father of a beautiful 3 1/2 month old little girl and new husband. I have not had custody of him since he was very little and he lived even in another state so we have not had a lot of dealings w/ eachother (FYI I am his MOM). When we are together for the shortest amount of time, we FIGHT like there is no tomorrow. If I TRY to give him advice about ANYTHING, he tells me to shut the **** up and that he is a man and will take care of his family and I don't know what I'm talking about. He does not take medication, has no insurance so he can. Anyway, he called me a week ago asking if the 3 of them can come live with me. Neither one of the two have even a drivers license or a car!!! I am not married. I am also mom to 14 yr old son who has always lived w/ me. I do not make a great deal of money and have never learned myself how to manage it so I have savings, I live paycheck to paycheck. I told him I can't afford it. Plus I have this job that is VERY VERY STRICT w/ time off and I cannot be taking off of work to run him & his wife here & there. I just can't. But lastnight I was just crying all night thinking about the fact that my mother has always, to this day, helped me out. I lived w/ her for over 10 or 12 years after my divorce! And she pays for MOST things for my 14 yo son and I just got a 0 loan from them so I can catch up on my bills. I have no credit cards so can't rely on that (thank God really). My poor son. His father has NOTHING, just lays in bed 24/7 w/ Parkinson's. He was not worth nothin' tho b4 he got that. His family are all hicks w/ no moral values so they will teach him NOTHING. I want to bring them here. I want to teach them all the lessons I've never been taught. They say teaching is the best way to learn. But how can I possibly do it? I took advice not to do it from my best friend from middle/high school but honestly, I don't respect her as a mother, so why in the world did I do that??? I seriously don't know how I could do it. My parents/family have always hated my son and would offer NOTHING, $ or emotional or otherwise. I can't even talk to my mother about this. But back to that, I would be NOTHING w/out her help. And yet I turned my son away. I don't know what to do. I have no $ in the bank, no credit earned to get them a car. I thought that if they work down there for a few months and get BOTH their licenses and at least 1 car if not 2, I could do it, if he PROMISED to listen to me and allow me to REALLY help him. Then during these months, I could find all the help I could on housing, food stamps, medicaid, medicine $ for him, parenting help, anything & everything I could do. Is this a good thing to do? I don't know. I come up w/ these great ideas when we're not around eachother, but again, we butt heads so bad when we're together. I hope to find some help soon. What do you guys think? Thanks! Kris

If he is calling you, then they have no where elso to go? I would suspect that this is a correct statement for an unmedicated, never treated, 19 year old ADHD person. This person is basically a child. ADHD maturity levels are 30% behind the norm. Your description of his father leads me to believe that no one has given him the tools he needs to deal with ADHD--which is a disability. This is a brain disorder. In your shoes I would let them move in. I would not want them in a shelter. You could tell them that you cannot drive them anywhere during your work hours, they cannot drive your car, they must contribute a certain percentage for food, electric, and phone, and there is a time limit to their stay that you must name. Perhaps that should be negotiated when you have a better understanding of their circumstances. The duty of a mother is compelling.

I just saw this after posting my own message about an adult child with ADD! It would seem that we are in the same boat. We are currently having money difficulties as my husband owns his own business that is loosing money at this time so we have 5 people living on my paycheck and it is not getting it. My step daughter has a license but no car and such a horrible driving record ( she hit 3 parked cars and a pedestrian last spring) that we will not insure or allow her to drive our cars. She pays rent, walks or buses to work and currently is working two jobs even though she is due to have a baby in about 5 weeks. If you allow your son and his family to come to you, have the rules and consequences laid out from the get go - before they even arrive. Be prepared to follow through - and don't let them get away with not helping financially and otherwise. My step daughter falls into the let them do it for me attituted if we let her. Also be prepared for it to be a drain on your energy and emotions! I've sought counseling for myself - until we just could not afford the copay's for the visits any longer. As the last person to post said - PM me if you want to talk - I'm in your shoes if you decide to let them come to you - and will be a sounding board if you need it!

Wow. Thank you ALL so very very much for taking time on your weekend to give me all this great advice. I've learned alot. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. You are all so awesome. Thank you!!!!

Kris

My only concern is if he is un-treated will he follow through with treatment and getting help for himself and family or does he plan to stay with you forever. It is a hard one for you love him and he being in need is killing you and I understand living paycheck to paycheck believe me. I am married and we both live that way and life is too hard. Your son would qualify for Foodstamps, PA, and Medicaid as well as WIC however I know where I am they are going to expect them to find work and the County can help with daycare expenses. If your son is screened and diagnoses and it he is severe enough he can try to apply for SSA benefits will take a year most times but worth a shot but he has to be willing and motivated to do whatever it takes if not for himself but for his new family. PM me to see if you live in My county where I live for I do know what is available I am a Social Worker and work for the County.

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