I may be posting this on the wrong spot, but I need some advise. My husband's 20 year old daughter is currently living with us as her mother and step-father refuse to have her with them any longer. She is the mother of a two year old and will give birth to a baby girl in January 2008. She was diagnosed with ADHD when she was approximately 9 years old and was on medication (don't know which kind) for a while but says that it never agreed with her so she is no longer taking it. She came to live with us when our grandson was 6 weeks old and left our home when she was caught in a lie that she did not want to own up to. She spent a year living in a horrible apartment with a succession of bad roomies and not taking good care of her son. After taking her son back to her Mother so she could go back into the Army, she got beat up, then pregnant again so the Army was no longer an option. When she got to the point that she had no where to go and no possessions of any kind she came back to us. We gave her permission to stay as long as she gave us guardianship of her son and the unborn baby. On the surface - day to day it would seem that she has become part of the family and accepts that she needs some assistance and guidance. The as always we talk with her mother and find out that she is saying things like she will marry the first guy she finds just to get out. We have put some strict guidelines out for her - maintaining steady employment, helping to pay for her son's child care and rent to us, not hitting her child and not sassing her mom or us, but to an outsider she would make it seem that we are horrible. It would seem that her ADD is mostly making snap bad decisions and not being able to be organized.
Are we just dealing with an individual who is not ready to be a Mom or does the ADD play into it somehow? Any suggestions. I'm learning a lot about ADHD with my 8 year old son and how things work, plus gaining some adult insight from my husband who believes he has ADD now that we have a diagnosis for my son, but I find myself grasping at straws with my step-daughter.
Thanks in advance!
People with ADHD are definetely less mature than their peers, so that is probably a huge factor in the decisions she is making. I don't know about being ready to be a mom- I had my son at age 19 and while I was not ready at all to be a parent I got there pretty quickly after he was born.
I think your rules are very reasonable- no less than my parents had for me when I needed a place to stay after I had my baby. It does sound like she could benefit from meds- does she have insurance? There are many more medications available now than there were 10 years ago so she should be able to find something that would work well and not cause too much in the way of side effects.
Perhaps she would be will to get involved in a support group for young moms? I know a lot of areas have county run programs to teach parenting skills, jobs skill, mentoring programs, etc., and there are lots of groups that are just a mom's club sort of thing that gets together to let the kids play and the moms can talk.
I agree with Jade, also ADD is not an excuse for bad parenting or abdicating personal responsibility. I grew up not aware that I had ADD but knew I had to go to work for food and put a roof over my child's head. We as individuals have a responsibility to take the knowledge that we've been given and use it to provide for ourselves and our families. Ignoring or taking advantage of our condition is abusive to those around us. ADD does not give someone carte blanche to be selfish or abusive. I don't mean to sound cruel but the most important individuals are the small innocent children if the parent won't take responsibility for her behavior and health so that she may act in the best interest of the children then someone needs to take over.