Hello everyone,
I'm a mother of a 10 year old girl who hasn't been diagnosed with ADHD yet but with some testing through school I've been told that she has the statistics of a child with ADD. The more I read up on ADD and ADHD I realized that there's a good chance that my little Sam has both. Don't know if that's possible. But she has alot of the symptomes I've been reading up on.
I'm to the point where I cannot handle her anymore. I have an older son who is 12 and I have no problem with him. And my partner has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has custody. So, there is 3 children in our home and Sam being the middle child.
She has been getting worst every day I think. She is constantly taking temper tantrums if she doesn't have her way. Stomps her feet, crosses her arms and scream and takes a fit. I've tried to punish her or send her to her room and even ignore her like her pediatrician told me but it's not working. The worst thing is she's having a hard time adjusting to the fact that she's not the baby anymore. Since we moved in with my partner at the end of June, and him having a 4 year old daughter has been hard. Don't get me wrong I love her to pieces. But the 4 year old wants to be just like Sam. She imitates her, says and does everything she does. Follows her, has to dress like her, eat the same thing she's having ect... At first it was cute but now it's getting to the point that it's annoying. Not only on our part, but poor little Sam is getting annoyed. I feel bad for her, thought it would just be a faze, but it's still going on but not as bad. All 3 kids are always tatel (sp?) telling on each other which drives me crazy. My son likes to tease so it's like he does it on purpose to get the other 2 girls going. I try to explain to him but it's hard. So, Sam doesn't get her way, it's a big fit. She's always putting herself down, it's like she has no self estime. She says she hates her hair, it's ugly, that she's ugly and she tends to pick at her scabs. So a little scab or a little zit turns into a big thing. And it always seems to be on her face. She keeps picking at it until it's the size of toonie or bigger ( canadian coin). I keep reassuring her that she is a beautiful girl but she doesn't beleive me. Plus my son tends to call her fat and so on. Yes she's a little chunky but not fat at all. Actually she just put on a little bit of beef a little too fast. No big deal. She still is the smallest one in her class. She did repeat her grade 1 and is now int grade 4. I'm not sure she will pass this year. They are telling me that she is severally behind. She gets help, but it's not enough. I'm not sure if she's also having a hard time about her father and I separating over 2 years ago. We were together for 17 years and married 10 of those 17 years. It's mostly my son that's having a hard time because we live 2.5 hours away from him and I have primary care for them. They see their father every second weekend.
Well that's basically my story, short story, but my concerns are about Sam and how do I handle herr?
Any directions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance and thank you for listening.
Sam's Mom
Mother to Sam - 10 years old
Born with a Conginental Heart Defect - ASD & VSD & PDA and Velo Cardio Facial Syndrome. 3 major operations and possible ADD and ADHD
First, welcome. Well she is dealing with a lot right now. A couple of things, is she getting any counseling? It sounds like she needs it. Some one she can talk to just about herself. Also, she needs a proper evaluation by a psychiatrist so you can figure out exactly what is going on.
Does she get much one on one time wth you. Can you take some time to do something with just her? Nothing like a littel undivided attention .
I would have a full psychological exam done for her to determine what exactly is going on and the suggestion about a little extra 1 on 1 time is a great idea.I agree with gettingher evaluated, it sounds like she needs one. There is really no such thing as ADD, only ADHD with different classifications.i would start with the school. if she is falling behind in school, they should have every reason to do a full, psycho educational evaluation (sp). also do you have insurence? we took my daughter to a developmental pediatrician. he is more of a third party, very experianced point of view. we brought him everything and he helps us put the pieces together to see the whole picture. also schools can't really do a medical dx, so what the schools won't say, being a md, he can and will. he can also offer guidence in how to recieve services or treatment depending on the dx.
about your kids, i have two girls 6 and 4. and we have this kinda team player mentality (i am not one really for sports talk). basically they get rewarded for not tormenting their sibling, or aiding in a melt down. if they are both good and supportive, (ie, don't encourage your sister to act like a monkey at the table, or don't tease your sister relentlessly because she like dora) they get rewarded, my kids are little so picking out a movie, or going out for ice cream still works for them, but you get the idea. it also encourages the rouge child to behave because she doesn't want to to be the kid that ruines it for everyone.
not to sound long winded. but being a girl is hard. i'm sure that being a boy is no picnic in the park either. but the self esteem, esp at that age. i remember clearly when i was ten my mom taking me to Merle Norman for a facial, (it was free but i didn't know that). anyway, they showed me how to clean my face, and put on make up. (not that i was allowed to wear anything more then lip gloss.) but it was helpful and a lot of fun. also, we didn't have alot of money, but one thing my mom insisted on was a good hair cut. in retorspect it is silly to think of the things that make a difference when you are younger. but a positive self image is sooo important and will effect so many areas of her life.
To all who have responded. Thank you for your advice. I will definitely look into getting her evaluated. But I'm not sure where to start. We just moved into this town and I don't know much about it. Still getting familiarized with it. I'll have to ask around. It's not like we have a family doctor here either, they are hard to come by.
But to be honest with you all. When I heard you all mention she should be evaluated, I don't know why, but I was kinda like in denial. Thinking there's no way my daughter could be going through this. But the more I think about it, the more I think, yes she does need my help and I will do whatever it takes to help her.
And you're also right, she does need my full attention, more of a one on one with me. I know she doesn't get nearly enough. But it's so hard for me to do that. I'm not making any excuses, but I work at the hospital (receptionist and admitting) part time, 12 hours shifts, mostly nights, so I sleep during the day. We own a business (convenient store, gas station, car wash, bait shop and a marina all in one). So I run that also and do all the bookkeeping. And with 3 kids, I run alot to hockey for my son, swimming lessons for all 3 kids, girl guides for both girls and bowling night for us parents. So, every night is run here and run there. So we do have a busy schedule. Come home from school, have a quick dinner, homework and then to whatever is scheduled for that day. Not exactly in that order but you know what I mean. And every second weekend I run then to their father's which is almost a 2 hours drive. So on friday and sundays, we meet half way, but it's hard to juggle all that and still have some one on one time with Sam.
I'll have to figure something out. But do you all have any suggestions as to where I start???
Very much appreciated.
ADHD often comes with other co-existing issues like anxiety, depression and other problems. Some of these can mimic ADHD and some can be made worse by insufficient treatment of ADHD. This all can be sorted out with proper evaluation. Then treatment can be started that is taylored to your daughter and her issues.
Without a good diagnosis, and assuming it is ADHD, stimulants could make anxiety worse or trigger mania in someone who has bipolar that looks like ADHD. A psychiatrist is good at med management, especially when there are co-existing issues. Do you have a children's hospital or university with a child development center nearby? These can be excellent for finding help for her and help for you to gain skills to parent a challenging child.
Look at the marble system by ogram at the top of this forum for a good behavior modification plan. We will be here for you on this tough journey.
sams mom, start by getting a family doctor. She should have a physical exam and check the regulars, eyesight, hearing, etc. Then ask for a psych referral. Talk to the school (but not for diagnosis), just get a feel for how she is doing.
If you've recently moved, plus the busy schedule you have and the different environments of your home and dads home, it may partly be just be her needing to adjust. If you think it's stressful for you (which I am quite sure it is), think how hard for a 10 year old.
This is just a suggestion for your schedule, but maybe a break from an extra curricular for a bit. Like swimming lessons for the winter. I am all for extra activities, but sometimes (myself included) we "overbook" our family. Just something to think about. We're in an era of scheduling every second of every minute of every day. We schedule every minute of our childrens lives, school time, homework time, sports or extra activities, even playdates. All of this needs to be done, but some "down time" is also important. Especially during a time of adjustment.
Sam's Mom, everyone here has about covered all the important points, mental and physical evaluations, situational anxiety and over-scheduling.
I would like to add that as far as the "picking" at skin or hair, this is a self-soothing type of action. I know it doesn't sound like it would be but the scab on the skin is irritating and the goal is to get rid of it and smooth out the skin (although of course this actually results in the exact oposite.) You might give her her own tube of anti-biotic cream and tell her instead of picking she apply some of it to the area. I speak from experience because I too have this horrible habit, I'm 49 and I am still trying to rid myself of it. I wasn't lucky enough to have been diagnosed with ADD as a child like your child will be able to be. With diagnosis and treatment your child will learn methods to cope with her siblings, school and a busy life-style.
since we are talking about skin, my aunt works for a dermatologist and suggested to me to use tea tree oil on pimples. you can buy it at any drug store, even walmart, in the suppliment vitamin section. it comes in a oil, small bottle, put a little on a q tip and apply to the blemish. it dries it out so only use it on a pimple. works great even for me now, but was a life saver when i was going thru puberty.Well first of all I just want to say thank you for all of your advice and comments. I agree with having some down time, a break on the extra curricular activities, I was even talking to my partner about that the other day. The kids do have a new session of swimming lessons coming up after Christmas. Maybe we'll just skip it for now. We'll see, because I don't want to take things away that they really enjoy and they enjoy the swimming.
Yes we have moved to a new city and family doctors are really hard to come by but we still have our family doctor back at home where I come from. I didn't want to let him go cuz I know they are hard to come by here or anywhere.
I was just talking to one of the nurses here at the hospital which is a friend of mine. I work at the hospital and I'm here now working the graveyard shift. Anyways, she has a daughter who has ADHD also but also has autism. She gave me some great ideas and a few numbers to call so I'll be sure do to that this week.
As for the tea tree oil, she also said it works great but stinks. Is there something I can do about the smell?
As for Sam having that extra help in school. That's been established for about 4 years now. She has a IEP at school and has been getting great help. But with our move and all. With this school it's taken a bit of time to get all that settled but I think we're finally started to get somewhere. She has a laptop at school just for her to help her with certain things. And she really enjoys working on it. All of my children attend french school and always have as I have. So it's great that they are bilingual. So her IEP now is mostly for language as she is severly behind but I was talking to her principal the other day and mentioned she should have one for Math too as she is struggling alot.
Have you all read about the Marble system? I have been reading up on it for the past couple of days and I mentioned it to my partner tonight and told him that tomorrow night we will sit down with the kids and introduce it to them. I think it will work great with them. Getting anxious!!
re the tee tree oil, it does have a smell, i wouldn't say that it stinks. but it does have a strong odor. personally, i never found it so offensive, and the benfits far outway the smell. i would put it on in the evening and go about my business, , and i would only use it on breakouts, as needed. also you might want to suggest instead of having her pick at a pimple, try a little bit of ice to help the swelling. maybe it would help occupy her.
good luck with the marble system, i have tried things that resemble it and have always enjoyed the results. i think what is important is tayloring something that fits your childrens individual personality.
I agree with you Az kristen about the tea tree oil, the benefits far outway the smell...I'll have to go purchase some and see what happens.
As for her picking, at times I don't even think she realizes she's doing it. I'll tell her Sam stop picking and she says I'm not. But then realizes she is. It's like a comfort thing, not sure!!!