I need some help and support.
My two and a half year old boy is not diagnosed, but we have both ADD and Asperger's Syndrome in the family. He is my first child but I have had years of experience caring for hundreds of other children of all abilities, so I have a fairly realistic idea of what's involved in disciplining a child. My son is unresponsive to every discipline technique I have ever heard of, even with 100% consistency.
He was originally being evaluated for autism because he experienced a mysterious developmental regression at 1 year old, but he has since recovered and his skills are advanced for his age. The specialists say that he is not on the autistic spectrum. He is now extremely verbal and he does reference adults, but his eye contact is poor because of his extreme distractibility. He has never liked to be held, rocked, or pretty much any other form of comfort or closeness for more than a few seconds.
He is always trying to climb, play with appliances, and do any number of other dangerous things. He terrorizes our cats, even after months and months of guidance, redirection and discipline. He does these things always, always, always--even when I'm right beside him. I am nearly always with him because he will immediately turn to dangerous or destructive activities if my back is turned. He displays absolutely no normal signs of caring what adults think about his actions. He does do good things, too, but only on a whim, not because he is trying to please anybody else. When I say these things, I am often told "toddlers are all like that". I work with toddlers. Toddlers are -not- all like this. I've met only a handful of children who behave like mine, in my whole career. They were all either ADHD or Asperger's.
His sleep has always been disturbed. He requires a normal or above-average amount of sleep to function well during the day, but he has difficulty falling asleep because he can't stay still and adamantly refuses all attempts to comfort or calm him. I have perfectly carried out pretty much every sleep strategy known to man. Most recently, because he has been climbing out of bed at night, I tried the "put him back in bed as many times as it takes without talking to him" strategy. I put him back in bed like that literally several hundred times each night for a week. He did not stop getting out of bed. He didn't even slow down. I finally had to put a latch on his door just to keep him safe at night (he can peek out but cannot leave his room).
I have sometimes turned to spanking, which is against my own principles, out of desperation because he doesn't respond to anything else. I hate it. I shouldn't bother, because it doesn't work, either. When he was born I was so delighted, confident, and happy to be a mother. Now I'm constantly having to fight to keep my self-esteem out of the toilet and I cry at least once a day... I am still a very happy person in all other areas, (not depressed) but I feel like a failure as a mother. It's beyond discouraging to see how my actions make no difference at all in regards to his impulsive behavior.
He is an extremely bright and perceptive boy about many other things. He speaks well and academically is functioning almost a year beyond his age. He will often repeat verbatim the rule that he is breaking, while he is doing it. For example, he will climb onto the kitchen counter while saying "No climbing. Feet on the floor. Get down." He does show comprehension of these ideas, too. He will often get down when I ask him to do so, then immediately start climbing again as soon as I look away (or sometimes even right in front of me). I do not understand why a child who knows so much continues to do so many disobedient, dangerous things. I don't understand how to approach him in a better way, so that he stops or at the very least starts caring a little.
Nobody else knows how to handle him, either... once he's comfortable, the bad behavior starts. I've seen him break the most patient of people in a matter of hours.
Help, please! Anything would be good. Advice, stories about your own kids, anything. Partly I just need to vent, but I'm hoping someone out there has been in my shoes and has some insight.
Oh yeah... I've been in your shoes. I really don't have much advice since I'm new here, too, but I wanted to add my sympathies. My son had been displaying the exact behaviors you described for TWO YEARS. He is not my first child and he's not my first boy, yet EVERYONE would say, "He's just a typical toddler boy". Um... NO, HE'S NOT! He's a LUNATIC! He had one speed - FAST. And he was CONSTANTLY on the run. We called him "Little Taz" because he so closely resembled the tazmanian devil from the cartoons - buzzing around at lightning speed and leaving a trail of destruction behind!
Everyone on the planet is so quick to give you parenting advice, to tell you books to read, discipline methods to try... I've been there. I've tried them all - yet my son is still a lunatic. We even tried therapy, but all they gave us was MORE parenting advice until the therapist said, "He sure seems hyper to me, have you had him evaluated?" He's 3-1/2 now and I JUST got diagnosis that he's ADHD. The behavioral psychiatrist says he doesn't normally diagnose this early except in EXTREME cases and my little lunatic is most definitely extreme.
Don't give up hope. You need to start keeping a journal of his behavior and keep going to the doctor and telling him/her your concerns. The more you have documented, the sooner you can get an evaluation.
I don't know if this will work for yours, but mine hates to sit still and hates be held for long periods of time (since that requires sitting still...) so timeouts were HORRIBLE. I had to hold him while he was trying to hit, kick, or bite me. I finally discovered that if I put him on my lap and cross his arms in front of him and rock him, it will eventually get him to calm down. Of course, when he headbutted me for the first time, I discovered I had to kind of crunch him into a position where he couldn't move. We sit that way until he has calmed down, THEN I let him do a timeout by himself for two minutes. It usually doesn't prevent him from doing it again, but it does let him know that he did something wrong.
You may also try altering his diet. I know some people here don't use anything processed or with coloring - haven't tried that yet, but I have limited his carbs and sugars and bumped up his fruits and veggies, which did seem to help a little. Also, Fish oil has been a real help for us. I give him Children's DHA from GNC - it's a 250mg chewable pill and I give him two in the morning and two at night. That helped with his concentration and craziness within just a few days. It's not a miracle cure, but it's a definite help!
Since you now realize that something is "off", try to keep in mind that it is probably not his fault. That helped me tremendously to remain calm during his outbursts. Try to remember that you are doing the best you can as his mother and that he just isn't an easy child.
As for the sleeping thing, I wish I had advice. Ours is STILL a nightmare to put to bed and he doesn't stay there all night either. We sometimes have to hold him down for two hours until he finally falls asleep, then he always comes to sleep with us once we're going to bed, which we've finally just given into. It's totally draining and I'm searching in desperation for an answer. I may try the weighted blanket idea that I got from this board, but they are expensive and I don't have the money right now...
Hope this helps a little. If nothing else, you at least know you're not alone!
yeah people do say "oh all kids are like that", and sometimes it is true, but sounds like you know something is off. crazymadsmom gave you the greatest advice about the journal. It's a really good idea.
Therapy wont hurt either. People have good success with play therapy with younger children. This will also be on your side when it is time to seek out an evaluation. If you and a therapaist are charting behaviors, it will all be very helpful in "teasing out" exactly what is going on. You do sort of need him to be older so they behaviors that ARE typical 2 pass.T
he Omega's wont hurt either. There are liquid forms if your child isnt ready for chewables. OMEGABRITE has a liquid, ( a little pricey, but it is the right ratio and the liquids are not that easy to find)