Boyfriend’s son is off the hook, HELP! | ADHD Information

[QUOTE=BETHANN]

Your boyfriend needs to talk to his ex. What she is doing isn't fair to their son. I know she is trying to do this to upset you and your boyfriend by making it difficult, but it isn't fair to their son. And that is how he should present it to her.

Turn the guilt on the mother, making her be unfit and abusive by not allowing her son his medication. He is diagnosed and needs his pills. Would she deny him his glasses if he wore prescription glasses?

She is not only mean but cruel. This woman is disgusting. The son can't help his behavior and he has probably been polluted by his mother, unfortunatel, which isn't his fault.

hang in there, be patient if you really care about his father. This is his son for life. I think it is awesome that you came here and asked for advice. You are a better person, better than this poor boys' mom.

He needs his pills!! Your boyfriend should take her to court over this!!

[/QUOTE]

Not to step on any toes, but this seems a little harsh. The OP only hinted that the mother was not so nice and didn't send enough medication. I don't think it's fair to call out the mother on this alone. Perhaps, the mother isn't sending the pills because she doesn't want to medicate on the weekends. This wouldn't be unusual. Perhaps, she just sends one pill just in case it gets too hard for you to handle.

And unfortunately, this is what ADHD is. It's noisy, loud, jumping, hard to control behavior. Assuming that a pill is going to fix the entire situation is just wrong. You do need to set up rules that he must follow. I also don't want this to come off wrong, but if you dole out certain amounts of play dough and insist the kids not mix it, just sounds a little controlling. Buy the ADHD kid his own Playdough and quit worrying about it. Perhaps, his problem at your house is that he isn't getting enough understanding. I know how easy it is to blame the mother. I get this every now and then from my ex and his girlfriend, which doesn't even have children of her own. If there is a problem address it and if the mother is unwilling then maybe there is a problem and the court may need to settle it. I just really can't believe that the mother would want for her child to suffer at your house. There has got to be a solution. Otherwise, leave the parenting to his father. It's his child afterall. Let him deal with the situation. If you have discussed this and he's ignored your feelings, you might reconsider marrying a man that doesn't concern himself with how you feel.

LonerGirl39460.6096759259

She is not only mean but cruel. This woman is disgusting. The son can't help his behavior and he has probably been polluted by his mother, unfortunatel, which isn't his fault.

He needs his pills!! Your boyfriend should take her to court over this!!

Thank you for all the replies. I want you to know that I am reading them.

This weekend was rough. I felt like a "molly-serve-all". Trying to end all the arguements between the two kids, make them food they like, keeping up with the dishes (thank god the boyfriend does help), and so on. We tried to take the kids bowling and the oldest, like always, has a pouting fit over something. Never fails.... I want to do "family things" together but I feel it gets ruined. I set the ground rules for the appropriate behavior in the alley before we went in. I said exactly "We are here to bowl, not go play with the video games and gum ball machines. So stay in the bowling area". Mine didnt listen, I think because he is 3, and the oldest had to be pulled away from the games. He pouted and exclaimed " I cant do anything"! Before we went in he said he understood the rules.

I am not opposed to taking a look at myself and seeing If I too need correction. Maybe my expectations are too great. Being ADD too I think when things dont go as I imagined them to be, I get frustrated.

Thanks again for reading.

not to downplay your situation at all, but there is a HUGE difference between raising one child and two together. Kids fight, they just do. My kids fought all weekend..............I couldnt wait for today for school, and now we're having a snowstorm and they dont have it . Anyway, some of this is both your son and boyfriends son adjusting from being the only one to then being one of two. That's hard in itself. Remember the 10 year old has the maturity of a 7 year old. It's a whole different dynamic.

I agree with the posters about the one set of house rules and that's it. Some stuff is just NOT allowed, for anyone. Some things may have to be overlooked, like the playdough thing. I don't know any kids who dont mix up playdough colors, hard to resist, and I doubt you can have a quiet house with 2 young boys in it. This is going to take a LOT of patience and you'll never have the same sets of rules at both houses, but that's ok, he will adjust to your rules and as long as it's fair and reasonable I am sure you can all work this out. Try not to get too hung up on what is not happening when he's not with you and you and your boyfriend sit down and make some decisions for your home and move forward.

You're in a tough spot. 1) He's a boy, thus much more active anyway, 2) you're not his biological mother, which he very clearly knows, 3) he can probably sense that you really have problems with him and he feels insecure about his welcome at your house, 4) he's 10, just getting to that mouthy age anyway. As I see it, you really only have one option: you and his dad need to get on the same page about rules and consequences. Remember that this boy isn't at your house very much and if you over-load him with rules, you're going to sour several relationships. Make a list of rules, then take a red pen and cross out about 70% of them. Will the world end if the shoes are messy? Let's hope not. Try to let the small stuff go and only hit the high notes, like respect. Whether or not he's medicated, he will always be your boyfriend's son and those bonds are forever. Trying to force the mom to do what you want will only make the arrangements worse. Also, a 10 year old will never and should never act like a three year old. If you have trained your 3yo to be a quiet and neat child, you should enjoy that now. But when he's 10, you will probably be a little more tolerant of "racket." BPQW39461.5631712963

My boyfriend and I stay together most of the time. He gets his ADHD son everyother weekend. I look forward to them somewhat but mostly dred them because of his son's behavior. I need help to get him to behave at my house. He is 10 and my son (ADDless) is 3. From the time they get up till late at night it is constant jumping, playing, climbing, laughing, noisy, fighting and I just cant take it. Being ADD myself I can understand some of it. There is no stop or break. When I ask him to do something like straighten the shoes by the door I hear "It's not my mess". He's very picky on food. When I make something he likes I hear "I don't want that" after Ive slaved in the kitchen. He's snotty and rude when he answers a question. He is inconsiderate of my son's things like after I told him not to open up all the colors of play doh ( i had already set a certain amount of for they to play with) he comes to be with a huge ball of all the colors mixed up. I guess his behavior just bothers me. Doesnt seem to bother his dad too much, he says he is just being a boy. I dont want the constant racket at my house. I plan to marry this man and I realize that its a package deal. His son is medicated sometimes. His mom is "less than nice" and wont give us pills, maybe one. He is comming this weekend, tonight to be exact, and my blood pressure is going up just thinking about it.

I need help with his behavior. Since he is not regularily at my house the rules arent consistant and change when he goes back home to his mother's. I dont want to be miserable on my weekends off. Is there any advise from other parents with part time ADD children that acts the same way?

singleprego39458.615150463

I would sit him down, and VERY clearly explain the rules and the consequences. for example, refusing an adults request means instant NO TV . I would make it clear when you say "Please pick up your shoes" you Really mean" Pick them up now", it's a polite order.

make a chart with necessary things, and the consequences for each thing, and the reward.

I would get the boyfriend on the same page, that is a MUST.

He must follow the rules you set up in your house to follow....if its no running or

jumping in the house or pick up objects......he must follow them....He is old enough to....What rules does he follow when he is home????? Is he always rude

or just around you???? Boyfriend should be up to date on son.....

One thing I have done...is to buy a trampoline for my yard.....Kids can jump, and yell all they want on it....I watch them play and monitor....them....This good if you have the area for one.....weather permiting....makes them a lot quieter when in house and not so full of energy....good exercise. outside play is so good...

Does he refuse his father's requests too, or just yours? It could be that he's resentful of you (doesn't want a "replacement mom", doesn't want to share his dad), but he's defintely testing limits and he probably wants to see how much authority you actually have.

You and your boyfriend need to agree on some house rules and how they'll be enforced and then your boyfriend needs to lay it out for his son and makes sure he knows that you have the authority to enforce the rules and consequences. Kids can and do understand that there are different behavioral expectations in different places so the rules being different from his mom's aren't a problem.

In my house the kids know that they'll be asked to do things (like straighten the shoes by the door) simply because they live here- families work together and help each other, and that's that. They don't even argue anymore (about that one, anyway).

As for the constant noise and activity driving you crazy, unless his mom suddenly decides to send his meds, there's not much you can do. Get them outside if the temperature is above freezing, or pop a movie in for an hour when you really need a break.