Teens and discipline | ADHD Information
So I'll be the first to admit I haven't exactly "raised" my daughter right (who is 13 1/2). When we first found out she had ADHD in 1st grade, we put her on Ritalin for 2 weeks, didn't like how she reacted to it and never thought again about her ADHD. Then when she got to middle school it started hitting her where it hurts, her grades. So now we are really trying to do this right and of course now that she has hit the teen years, the discipline is just not there I guess. We have been using Easy Child for a while...but I'm not entirely sure it is helping one way or another. My husband believes in "instant" gratification discipline and if she, for example, argues with him about homework (I'm sure that never happens in any other family, right? ) he takes away computer for a week, or more. He has no "set" punishments...which I think he should, but he wants ideas I guess. His idea would be to take away the computer for a month each time if I let him decide...so what do some of you with teens do? Our main "problems" are her not doing her homework (and us finding out when she gets a D on her report card), not studying when she is suppose to for half an hour each day...lying (usually small things, like she didn't lock the front door and then tried to lie to cover it up or she didn't walk the dog and she lied saying she did)...and the normal talking back/arguing/crying/whining that a 13 yr old girl tends to do quite often...Help!
I have 3 teen boys. One with ADHD and one with Inattentive ADHD. They weren't diagnosed until recently.
They are both on Focalin XR and I am amazed at the changes. Meds can help but are not a cure all. I have had to learn how to parent better.
#1) I think that teens need to see you present.....just sitting in a chair...there. If they initiate conversation, great. But don't press it. Just let them know that you are available if they need you.
#2) Be on the offense. Instead of reacting and being on the defense for everything they do wrong, be offensive. Praise them. Understand what their needs are and meet them when you can. Suprise them. At times, ignore their sassy behavior and just "love on them" even though they don't deserve it.
#3) Try to understand what is important to them. Take notice of their interests in music, friends, room decor, fashion, etc......Don't judge. Try to understand.
#4) What are her unique talents? What made her special when she was little? Grades are not everything and don't honestly measure success. Celebrate her. Cherish her. You only have a few short years with her. She needs your love, support, and acceptance more than you know. Let her reject you. But don't ever reject her. Try to remain as sturdy as a rock in your love and support for her.
twirly1
My son is ADHD innatentive - not medicated - long story. He's defiant. 14
The only "punishment" that works is taking the recreational computer away for a week at a time. Everytime he "pushes the envelope" and mouths off the time increases. He's been a delight since Tuesday because he was really defiant and mouthy on Monday. I have complimented him on his good behaviour these past couple of days. When he gets the computer back on Saturday I'll remind him that if he mouths off again, the computer goes and this time for 2 weeks.
Discipline is tough - you can't hit your kids although in my day, if I acted the way my son does, my mom would have brought out the hair brush.
My son knows that when he loses his temper and mouths off, the computer goes.
I think you have to pick your battles wisely. Homework is a problem in my home but my son works with his Dr. on this.
One important thing is that you and your husband have to be consistent. This is a problem in my home that is just starting to be resolved.
It might be a good idea to sit down with your husband and daughter, when everyone is calm, and come up with pre-set consequences that you all agree are fair. It's so easy to come out with overly harsh punishments in the heat of the moment- I've done it myself and really wanted to take it back/shorten it, but how do you do that with out your kid thinking you're not serious when you punish them?
I can tell you from experience that taking away privileges or grounding for long periods of time do no good because you quickly run out of things to take away. My mother would always ground me for a month at a time- she said it was because I didn't do enough in any given week to make an impact. The problem was she just kept tacking on months until I was grounded for a year. That was when I decided I had enough of her ridiculous punishments and started sneaking out at night. When she finally caught me at that she had no idea what to do and I had lost all respect for her authority.
Thirteen is a really tough age- you couldn't pay me enough to make me live it again. I agree with twirly that making yourself available, just being there, can make all the difference. Don't ask about the tough or important stuff directly, but talk about other things- a book she read, a tv show, how she prefers to get her nails done, etc. Eventually the other stuff will come out, but you have to pay attention. It might be something little like talking about your nails when she mentions that so- and- so gets her nails done that way- you might ask how so- and- so's doing and end up getting an earfull about how horrible this girl has been to her lately. They do tend to clam up when asked directly if they're having problems. 
I'll have to show my husband your post...he seems to not want to read anything and thinks he knows everything (you can sense where the major problems come from I'm sure) but maybe if I throw enough at him he'll get that he needs to start reacting differently to her.
I also have a 13 1/2 year old daughter with ADHD.......isn't it fun 
. I try to always say, you will have aocnseuqence for this once I have time ot think about it. I try to give out punishments AFTER I calm down. She is usually grateful as she expects it to be worse than it is . Plus I never want to bite off my nose to spite my face. I hate to take away recreational computer time if she's going to be home for three days!! Anyway. Quite often I will take a way the computer with no end time. I tell her she can earn it back. Then the better she behaves the quicker she gets it back. This has started to work really well. Another thing I started this year was rewarding good grades on tests and report card. .00 for every A and .00 for every B. If she can get an A wihtout studying for a half hour a day......lucky her! So anyway, this has also been a good incentive to study and try to get good test scores. Another thing we've changed is no break after school. No tv, computer...etc., etc. until I see finished homework. It gets done right after school now. If it all gets done here evening is hers to do what she wants.
I am nt sure there's much you can do about 13 year olds NOT trying to get the last word, just how it is.....try to let it go...........if you tell her to pick up her room adn she is spouting off at the mouth, but cleaning it, ignore the mouth, as long as she doing what you wanted...............within reason obviously.