Friends? | ADHD Information

My child has one friend that is we met through a research study last year and a couple without. She does not have many friends.

Oh yes, Tyler is in summer camp too and they have a "field trip" once a week in the summer .. from going to the zoo, to touring Fenway Park, to taking a ferry to one of the islands in Boston Harbor! And, although he is an only child, he has a girl cousin that is almost 5 that he plays well with, and a boy cousin on the other side that is 10 with ADHD and they play well together! So, he's getting his "group" socialization, and more one on one socialization! .. So,,, I'm feelling a little better about the whole thing!

Movies idea is great! And, something we could do in the winter! When it starts to get warm, I'm going to suggest he take a friend to the town park (we live in walking distance) and get to know a few kids and parents and then invite them over for a few hours on the weekend to play. Especially when they can play outside!

It is a different way of life these days, different then when we were kids .. and I do think it's a bit more harder on parents to help the kids form friendships... and for two full time working parents, it's harder to do! But, we all do the best we can!!

It IS a different world, isn't it? That expansive freedom seems so long ago
- quaint almost - not to mention vaguely dangerous, lol. No question,
kid friendships seem to take a lot more work on the parental side of
things these days.

I think probably even if I didn't work I think I'd have dd in after school
care (at the Y), she just loves it so much, to have free play with so many
kids is such a luxury. I think a lot of her better friends have come from
there, rather than from school which is not where she shows her cooler
side, from a kid POV, I guess.

She's got major problems handling sports/activities, though. Not too
many friends from those - we're struggling through gymnastics right
now.

One thing we do like which is super easy is to have a friend meet us at the
movies. We've just got a little theater here in our town, so it's not an
overstimulating huge event, but we do like to go early to get our favorite
seats, so while waiting, the friends can talk or color if I bring crayons,
play action figures, whatever. It's easy, you can chat with the other
parent, and nobody has to clean house!

Crunchy Frog,

I have a 12 yo girl who has some social problems too. She acts about 10 most of the time. When I see what some of the other girls are wearing now days I am thankful. She has one friend in all her classes that is always "busy" on the weekend so we never have had her over. She is even busy this weekend for dds birthday. I guess it is just as well. DD has 2 other friends who are coming for build a bear and one is staying overnight. In the past, she had big parties for her birthday, invited all her fellow girl scouts, and was mostly ignored during the party. I told her when you are 10 you are too old for big parties so that is not our house rule. She has had 2 friends for sleepovers - one is very kind and likes everyone (also smartest girl in her grade), the other is suspected of ADHD and in special ed for reading. Both these girls had been friends for almost her whole life.

I worry about it but she is so busy with school, church, girl scouts, and dance that there is no time for playdates anyway.

Just my $.02,

How's the whole friendship thing going with your kid these days?

Do you have any particular thoughts on your kids being friends with ADHD peers?

I'm trying to help my kid recognize what kinds of play and what kinds of friends make her feel how she wants to feel. One good friend is clearly ADHD big H, was held back in K, so is 1.5 years older than my dd. I like her and her family and don't want to discourage the friendship totally but at the same time really, these girls are a toxic mix. We're trying to ease back on playing, which on one hand breaks my heart because I really really understand what the family is going through, on the other hand, I'm not this girl's therapist and am tired out enough coping with my own kid.

Who do you find plays best with your kid?

my daughter has a GOOD friend who also has ADHD. They are both mainly inattentive so we dont have that whole getting each other all extra hyper thing. It is GREAT for us as they really get along very well and are both 13, but tend to act 10 . Neither of them remembers to call each other and they rarely make "plans", but they ride the same bus and I encourage the friendship.

I have a suggestion for your daughter and the other girl(or anybody really), try to do very short playdates (like 1 hour), and/or do playdates places they can be active. The playgorund (indoor or out), sledding if you live in the north, I sometimes take my younger daughter and a friend to the local "Y" to swim. You pay a small fee to use the pool if you are not a member.

You're right - certainly about this one friend, I think we need to keep it outdoors. I can't easily control the time length with her since she's raised by a single dad who is kind of overwhelmed (he has an older son with weekday medicated adhd who actually is significantly easier to be around than his un-med dd, sigh) - anyway if I allow her to come over, it's basically the two girls and me for many hours. Toxic for me, as well as my dd, I should confess. I'm going to try to be firmer about setting up outdoor/activity dates with her, but I feel for her and tend to take on more than I should in that dept.

I admit, the easiest route and the one I take when I'm wiped out most, is that of not having playdates. Which I think is seductive and ultimately a bad thing to slide into. While she's still young enough that I can help out with her social skills, I think I really need to make that effort.

What I did, which in some ways is foolish but I hope will be worth it is that I volunteered to lead a creative play group. It's only once a week with 5 kids, 1st & 2nd grade - at least one other mom stays (thank heaven!). It's heartbreaking in some ways because I can really see loud and clear how different my kid is. But on the bright side I think the other kids like it a lot and we have fun (not my dd soooo much, but I think mostly because she's overwhelmed by the hubbub). I'm hoping in time it'll get easier for her. It's obvious we have a lot of work to do, so this is a safe-ish way to do it. Last week she spent days afterwards talking about it and how she'd handled a situation and some possible different approaches.

Oh - and I should say - one very nice thing about doing this group is building goodwill among the moms. I think parents are so much more understanding about your kid's behavior if they like you.

My son has friends who are ADHD and who are not. His best friend since K is NOT adhd but knows Ryan inside out and just accepts him.He comes from a very open minded family and I think that is a huge reason this sweet boy is so accepting. You have to be accepting if you are friends with us as we are a alternative family anyway..not just Ryan with his ADHD.

Now Ryan has another very good friend who is ADHD.. He is very hyper and acts much younger than he is but is a BIG BOY. WHen they are together, its a little more wild and a little more *chaotic*. Before Ryan started playing with this boy, his mom told me he had no real friends. Breaks my heart. Then Ryan has another friend who is ADHD/Aspergers..very sweet little boy. Has some speech impairment yet Ryan seems to understand him perfectly.

So I guess Ryan has friends from all walks of life and i encourage that. Iknow some of the play dates with the other special kids are harder but they seem to just undestand each other .

Crunchy frog..I think its great that you have these creative play groups!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I'm very lucky on this one. Somehow my son's hyper side comes out as incredibly humorous so he's not lacking for friends. And he's often very sweet and thoughtful of the needs of others. Most of his lashing out and frustrating moments are directed straight to me. And teachers get tired of the class clown stuff...but while on meds he's pretty good. If only home life were as humorous! Oh, and homework....and when I say no...and....Younger kids or kids who have the same zaney sense of humor that leaves everybody else in the dark. I think in some ways I work harder at trying to make friendships work for my son than my own son does. Its as though I have to compensate somehow for what he is incapable of. For instance, I called off a campout this weekend just so my son could keep a "playdate" at a yu-gi-oh tournament with a very promising potential friend. oh, and by the way, this new friend is equally immature and complete with a whacky sense of humor. Birds of a feather....as long as they're not mean to each other.

Is it ok if DS7 doesnt have "out of school" friends????

My son just turned 7 and doesnt have any friends that come over after school. He talks about a different best friend in school every week ... but has never asked to have a friend over, or for him to go to a friend's house. And, is it ok for me to just let a kid come to my house without knowing his parents .. or for me to just drop him off at some strangers house for a couple hours? I'm not comfortable with that.

I am thinking that when it gets a little warmer, I could have him mention to a friend that we'll be at the town park at such and such a time and see if they'd like to meet him there. And, then I can meet the parent and we are on neutral ground.

There are no other kids his age on our street... and I grew up with 10 kids my age living on the same street .. and we'd run around the dead end neighborhood for hours on end, when I was 6 yrs old! Can't do that now a days!

I just kinda feel like a failure in this department, because I just dont know how to go about getting him friends .. or do I just wait until he asks to have a friend over???

janyben,

That is how our home life is. My DS is 10. What we do is keep him in sports each season. I don't know if it is ADHD, but my son doesn't seem to mind. He is a homebody, but he is socializing at sports practices and games. Find an activity after school that he likes and sign him up, anything, even karate, art classes, boy scouts, YMCA, Rec. Department, etc. That is where he can socialize!

I have had parents just drop kids at my house (age 5-6) and others that stay while they play. I feel like to encourage playdates I'll do whatever they prefer. It is totally fine to not have playdates ourside school if you are not comfortable doing it, but I strongly feel one on one play outside of school is very important for them to learn actually sharing and participating in conversation and turn taking. In school they dont have to resolve conflict they can just go do something else. If my children doint ask if anyone can come over, I encourage it. I'd say ok Wednesday is a good day for a playdate, who would you like to come over, ask them if they'd like that. If the answer is yes, I would contact the parent saying my child would love to have their child over for a playdate if they were interested and go from there.

Thanks Bethann. We did do swim lessons this summer! And he is in before/afterschool care where he's with kids.... I'm hoping the Spring Soccer session is more inline with my schedule so I can't get him to and from practices. Both my DH and I work full time so most after school activities we cant do because we are not home in time to take him/pick him up. I might even ask if he can just go to the games on the weekends and skip the weekday practices since they are before we get home from work.

I guess the key now is that he doesnt complain about it. I just feel bad because I had so many kids in my neighborhood growing up.. and DS doesnt. And, he's an only child!!! But, he is around lots of kids all day long, its just weekends that he's the only child.

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I also work full time and sports and other afterschool things just wont work for us. Ryan is i afterschool care till 6 pm each day. he loves it there and has a lot of friends. They do offer some structured play as well as free play so I feel he gets enough time with other kids. He does attend PAL camp during the summer and he gets to meet kids from all of the elementary schools in our district. Its a traveling camp so they travel 3 days per week to the beach, park, amusment park, farms, etc.

I also try to *encourage* play dates on the weekends he is with me. When he is with his Dad, I know no kids are around. I will also say* How about next Friday Keith come over ? or *how about we invite Alex to go to the park/beach, etc?* He is always up for it but strangely has never ASKED to have anyone over! He does go to playdates too. I also grew up with tons of kids in the neighborhood and my older son(19) grew up with tons of kids too. Where we live now is a quiet block , mostly summer homes, and not too many kids that I have seen. (we just moved).

I think all kinds of socializing is important. Sports, playdates, afterschool care, camp, etc..

It was different for me too growing up, I could just get on my bike and ride around all day. But those days are gone.

We too both work, I work overnight. We don't always make the week day "things" but do most weekends. Same life as you.

times are different. Sometimes we always think it is ADHD, but it may not always be. I don't think we are the only ones feeling this way.

I think this is the new way of life for lots of families. My mother didn't work, nor did we have play dates, we just went out and played! But you can't allow that anymore for safety reasons.

We again are a lot alike!!