What do you tell your child? | ADHD Information

My DS7 was dx'ed with ADHD (combined type) last month. It's a bit of a relief to have an name for the behavior troubles he's had at school, but we're still in the early stages of figuring out treatment.

My question is whether or not to tell him he has ADHD. I don't want it to become primary to his self-image; i.e. if someone says, "Tell me 3 things about yourself," I wouldn't want one of those top three to be ADHD. I'd rather he say, "I write great poetry, I play Pokémon, and I'm a Yankees fan." At the same time, he is starting to be aware that he's different from the other kids, and I want him to be comfortable and unashamed in his own skin.

He has been in OT for over 2 yrs for SID. We never gave him a name for it, and in fact he's responded so beautifully to the OT that many of his symptoms have faded to "normal enough" - with the exception of his severe oral defensiveness, which he handles pretty well socially (mostly by saying "no, thanks" or explaining that our family is vegetarian so he "can't eat that").

We started out calling OT "gym class," but now we call it by the name of the gym, and I openly refer to it as OT, but I don't think he knows exactly what that means (some of his friends also go, so it's not a big stigma). When he went for his evaluation appointments, he asked both why he had to go ("to find out what kind of a learner you are" - which was true) and whether any of his friends had to go (yes - but for different reasons, which we didn't get into)

I'm okay with this sort of euphemistic truth, but I'm not sure how to give HIM the best tools/words to navigate school and social settings. He's very bright and extraordinarily articulate, and the ADHD is in the moderate range. How much explaining of his condition will HE need to do? Can I just leave well enough alone? How do you explain meds and other therapies to a kid who's functioning (but won't be in a few years without treatment) in a regular classroom with some accommodations? What do you say to the child about the accommodations (special seating, untimed tests, etc.)?

Thanks for your input!

Kate,

I am living your life! my son is 8 1/2 and sounds very similiar to yours. He had two yrs of OT for SID (I have to order a deep pressure weighted vest when I am done here) and I also struggled with the best way to tell him about some of the differences that make him who he is. We've seen several behavioral drs, and they all have their own approach. My son is a very bright boy, and after a few years of bringing chewy tubes (oral tension, anyone?) strectchy band to attatch to his desk, and now a special chair pad, he realizes he is not like the well behaved girl sitting next to him. Talk to him in very broad terms. He is currently medicated (clonidine) and has responded well. He is not a candidate for the majority of ADHD meds due to tics. He knows he is different, but it is not an alarming difference. I decided to start using the initials of his diagnosis b/c I didn't want him to hear it from someone else in a negative sense. My son's case is mild but it is there. He does need the support and understanding from the staff at his Catholic grammar school. He is just like every other kid in his second grade class, but I cannot deny that he faces other challenges. We adopted him at birth (all 4 of his birthsiblings are medicated for ADHD, so no surprises for us!) and it became clear to him that we saw an awful lot of doctors. It's hard to slip an MRI and EEG past your kid. You may be surprised at how much he may already suspect. We used examples of how his brain is wired, emphasizing that he is not a bad kid. We talked about how some of his cousins are different (glasses, born without hands, take medication) and that has helped. He does gravitate toward boys that are like him; high energy, behavior problems, and inattentive. I'm sure you are aware of kids like them need lots of positive reinforcement. I am on a constant lookout for the self esteem issues that can lead to major problems. We try to focus on the good. He tends to hold it together for school, then fall apart at home. Open communication with his school has been my middle name. He attends morning care every day and the P.E. teacher has him run laps before class to help him burn off energy before being subjected to 7 hours of classroom activities. I hope that you continue to visit ths site. Your post tonight prompted me to finally register after 15 months of lurking. So thank you. Your family is already on their way.

DD is 10, and Knows she has ADHD/Innattentive. She also knows she is popular, a good kid, and the Star of her softball team. She has told a few friends, and she will tell a teacher or two, mostly to remind them of her 504, she is very assertive, and self advocates regularly.

I chose to tell her about her ADHD when she asked questions about why she took meds, and had trouble concentrating. I explained that it is not an excuse , for anything.

We are still newly navigating this having a diagnosis thing. For my son (also 7) who is Mr. Impulsive I have just been saying that these appointments (Neurologist and therapy) are to help him so that he can stop and think before he does things, so he can do better in school and karate.

He knows that he is having problems in school because despite a great teacher he has made several trips to the principal/asst. principal this year. His teacher has been great making accomodations for him and pretty good with talking to me. When I talk to him about some of the things that have happened with him in school he can usually tell me what he should have done instead. We just have to curb some of the impulsivity. He has also recently started having trouble completing assignments in school. He seems to have the understanding of the material, but not the follow through. This is new. Hopefully we can get on this before it gets any worse. His teacher is working with the school counselor to devlop a daily behavior plan to target that and his issues with "not respecting personal space" ie. touching and occasionally hitting.

I think what I am trying to express in my long and winding post is that I haven't used the term with him yet. I have tried to explain things in his terms a much as I can. I haven't refrained from using the term if he is around, but I don't think he is at a point that he needs a word or term. I don't think my son would really understandwhat it means. As he gets older and wants more information then I will give it to him. Until then I want him to express himself with his words to the people who need to know things (me, dad, teacher, dr, therapist, etc).

As for if he has to explain things to other kids I'm not completely sure. I think that if he needed some help explaining things to others I will try to have him explain that he needs a little extra help to stay focused and learn. I think I would try to have him explain in his words that he gets distracted easily and he needs to sit closer to the front so he can learn better. Or something like that. I guess I will find out if it works when the time comes .

I don't have any children so I can't relate. However, if my parents and teachers knew or even suspected that I was dealing with ADHD it was never mentioned....................................Ever!

I think that it is important to address this directly with a child at some point. When probably depends on the individual situation but the longer it goes without talking about it the more damage to self esteme that is likely to occur.

The struggle is enormous for a child trying to "make the grade". I think that no matter what age this is brought to light a person has to understand what that they are up against and that they have to take an active role in overcoming certain obsticals so that they can come out "on top".

No need to allow a lable to be attached but impressing an individuality that requires a somewhat different approach to accomplishing things could be an very valuble asset.

[QUOTE=Amy0103]

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Aren't you afraid that the other kids, not understanding exactly what that means, will begin to develop their own interpretations, which might not put him in the most favorable light?

Why not be up front with the fact that he has a medical condition, that it has a name, that it has no reflection on his intelligence and that learning ways to keep his attention focused will make school more fun and enjoyable for him?

He doesn't need to explain anything to anyone, however, if he feels he needs or wants to, give him as much factual information as you can. It's not likely that he will come to you and ask you what to say once that does come up. He needs to understand it himself at some point anyway. If it does come to the point where the other kids start to ask questions he'll have straight forward answers.

Great question Kates3! Iamsamz has great points, too - I suspect there's
a sort of continuum - like any other tricky subject (sex, cancer, family
history, etc) and you have to give them the info they need at the level
they can handle it. It makes no sense for a teen, or even a mature 10 yo
to be sheltered from something so intrinsic to how they operate in the
world. Yet at the same time, I know my 6 yo doesn't need any labels
right now.

You and trixila both have such great points about building the self esteem
first - making sure the self-identity is strong and they aren't faced with
nagging selfhatred for being different. The differences are acknowledged
and addressed - and in time the name will come.

But a label without understanding is exactly what leads to teasing. I think
that having a strong understanding of self AND eventually what the name
means will be key to not hitting those teen years so self destructively - I
hope.

Wow, you all are terrific. Thanks so much for the great input - I am so glad to hear from people who have been there.

He has a weighted lizard which is the envy of all the other kids in class - it's very "cool" looking. (I got it from Pacific Pediatric Supply, and I highly recommend them!) He has it "to help him sit quietly" - that seems to be sufficient explanation, and it's certainly no news to anyone in class that he has trouble sitting still. That's been a real success.

I do worry, though, about the untimed tests and "different" homework assignments that are coming up for him. He has a tendency to see himself in the worst light, and I'm afraid he'll jump to the conclusion that he's "dumb" even without comments from the other kids.

Your comments have really got me to thinking. I like comparing ADHD to needing glasses. I'm very sensitive to his thinking there's something "wrong" with him, or with his brain - after all, to me he's perfect! He just has some more challenges than other kids do.

My son has taken meds since he was 5. I truly dont think he remembers a time when he didnt. We started out by telling him that it was to help him pay attention and do well in school. By age 7 we gave it a name. ADHD. We told him its just part of who he is but NOT who he is. We told him that it helps him in the way insuline helps a diabetic but we stressed that it is HIM that is responsible for himself and his actions.

If you ask Ryan to list 3 things about himself he will say, most likely. * I like nintendo, I like Pokemon and I am good at drawing* No where has he ever mentioned ADHD. He also takes OT and PT and he knows lots of other kids who do. There are so many kids in his school who are ADHD I really dont think anyone *looks* at anyone any different. He has friends who are ADHD and ones who arent.

I also made it clear to DD that she "HAS ADHD", she is not ADHD. ( like when someone says my child IS ADHD, Instead of sayig they HAVE ADHD)

I agree with edbson.

Why look at it as a label? ADHD does not define a person.

There is no way that you can protect any child from being teased. I think I would be afraid that by not talking about it dirrectly you might actually end up giving the impression that there is something to be ashamed of.

If a child with glasses has an astigmatism would you wait until they understand how the eye works before you tell them the name for the reason they wear glasses?

I think that the more we, the ones that have first hand knowlege, can communicate that to others the sooner it will be viewed with less negativity.

That can start with taking out all the negatives used when explaining it to children, friends, family coworkers etc.

Is it really about being distracted (-) or is it about being atracted (+) to so many things that we need to consiously direct our focus toward what is important at any given time. Is it about being different (-) or is it about haveing a unique (+) way of processing information. Even within those of us who do have ADHD we all have our own individual learning styles. Is it about needing extra help (-) to stay focused or is it about developing (+) methods that allow us to accomplish our goals.

I told my son right from the beginning. With the testing we told him it was to find out how his brain worked because everyone's brain works differently and if we know how it works then we could know what to do to help him with school and such. When we got the results we told him his brain worked a little differently then some other people's, and that it's called adhd and it's the reason that he has a harder time paying attention and following directions than his classmates and that it also made it harder for him to follow direction and stay out of trouble at home. He was 8 at the time, and he already realized that he struggled more than his peers so he actually was a bit relieved to hear there was a reason for it. It did take a while, and more than a few conversations/questions, for him to really understand, but now I hear a lot more "my stupid brain!" than "I'm stupid!"

I wouldn't worry about him feeling different in the classroom just yet. My son is in 4th grade and no one has ever asked him about his accomodations. We did talk about what he'd say if one of his friends asked and he said if they asked why the teacher checks his assignment book each afternoon he'd tell them that it's because he forgets to write stuff down, and that if they asked he was taking a test in a quiet spot he'd tell them it was because he gets distracted. I don't think it even occured to him to mention adhd in his explanations. He doesn't hide the fact that he has it when it comes up though- in fact there was one afternoon when we were at the playground and he overheard a couple of the neighborhood moms talking about adhd. His ears perked up, and as he passed them he said, "ADHD? Hey, I have that" and bounced along his merry way.

[QUOTE=Crunchy Frog]Great question Kates3! Iamsamz has great points, too - I suspect there's
a sort of continuum - like any other tricky subject (sex, cancer, family
history, etc) and you have to give them the info they need at the level
they can handle it. It makes no sense for a teen, or even a mature 10 yo
to be sheltered from something so intrinsic to how they operate in the
world. Yet at the same time, I know my 6 yo doesn't need any labels
right now.

You and trixila both have such great points about building the self esteem
first - making sure the self-identity is strong and they aren't faced with
nagging selfhatred for being different. The differences are acknowledged
and addressed - and in time the name will come.

But a label without understanding is exactly what leads to teasing. I think
that having a strong understanding of self AND eventually what the name
means will be key to not hitting those teen years so self destructively - I
hope.[/QUOTE]

Glad I came across these boards, I had posted a question about when to tell my son (7) about his adhd and then found your reply and so glad I did that reallyhelped! Thanks

Well as I had begun a reply with cut and pastes it got eaten as I needed to go back to the other message and I don't have the patience to do it all over again.

To sum I do feel as though I am giving him the words he needs by giving him simple terms at this point. If the kids are going to look upon him unfavorably then its going to happen (He has already been sent to the office several times this year for hitting. I'm sure that has not gone unnoticed by the kids who may care). I have been involved in education for many years and have seen first hand how cruel kids can be, even the ones with special needs to kids they feel are less capable than themselves. Is it right? No. And I do know that there are some spectacular kids out there but it only takes one cruel one.

I am completely for giving him the information he needs for himself and for educating those around him as needs be. However, he is just 7 and in first grade. I think that giving him the terminology of Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder isn't going to help. He has no idea what that means. But he does know what it means when we talk about learning to stop and think before doing and helping him learn to do "better listening" to his teacher to name a few of his issues. As he gets older I most certainly will give him more information so that he can better advocate for himself. After all he will be the one attending school and be the best one to know if he needs something. I firmly believe in giving him those tools, but I also know right now he is not prepared and needs more help from me.

We are in some ways just beginning this journey, though its a boat that I have known that we were on for the last 4 years. It just hasn't been severe enough to warrant diagnosis and treatment until he started having some big problems in 1st grade. We are just beginning counseling, though I have been doing various behavior mod plans for years and we will in all likelihood begin meds after our Feb appt (our 3rd consult) with the neurologist.