father son relationship | ADHD Information

Have you ever told your husband how this makes your feel?? I wonder if he just can't get past his own relationship with his father to see what is happening with his own son.

You know there are times that I have to remind my husband of just how bad his father made him feel. and I even go as far as to say "what did you idolize him growing up and want to be just like him or something because you are acting just like him", and that really stops him in his tracks and brings him back to reality.

My husband has adhd and so didn't his father. You would think he would look at his son and totally relate to him and want to bond, especially if childhood didn't have

BETHANN39476.126099537

I agree that they must want counseling for theirself...

food for thought...I wonder if you went to counseling if it might encourage them to do so or better yet after a few sessions yourself maybe invite them to join you for a session.  This I've heard is somewhat of a common way to help people see that counseling is not so bad and help them to move in that direction themself. 

I'm in the same boat. My son is 12 and he and his father just knock heads, even tho' Dad is really trying and is a great example.

 Here is something I am beginning to see. Mothers often maintain such a close bond with their sons that there's no room for Dad. In my desire to make sure my son has someone he can really turn to (me), I am his everything so why turn to Dad?  Especially when Dad can often be the heavy on things I'm not teaching, or not as empathetic about ADHD behavioirs.  (Deep inside I think Dad' often don't buy a lot of the ADHD problems - or don't want to - or think it is simply a discipile problem.)

 I'm not sure what the answer is, but i sense it involves backing off, letting them do more together, not always having the answer - or at least giving it to Dad to deliver. By giving Dad the opportunity to be the problem solver more often, the relationship will have more chance to grow.

My dh and my teenage ds have the worst relationship....I think they can't stand eachother.  It really hurts me and is the sourse of so much conflict in this house.  They don't share the same interests and I think my dh is too critical of my ds.  At the same time, my son is not exactly begging to hang out with his dad either.

How can it improve?  He's in 8th grade, maybe it's the age?

 

I think in the end, I accept my son as he is and I try to make him a better person but I don't judge him so hard.  So I'm the one he calls his "backbone".

 

Mellowdancer:  My experiences with dh and teenage ds sound similar to yours.  I, too, am not as critical of my son as is my dh. 

I've come to the conclusion from my own experiences throughout life and in talking to other women that lots of men can be incredibly demanding and critical of their sons. 

Our family likely would benefit from counseling but dh (even though he is fairly supportive of son's therapy) resists suggestions for family counseling.

When I'm playing mediator (which I know is not always the best idea) and speak to each separately, I try to explain how the other feels and discourage both from the terrible words they use in the heat of anger, etc.; make positive suggestions.  I see a wee bit of understanding from both, but basically, we still have that dominant male thing going on!

Hang in there and know that you're not the only one going through this.

I was sooo blind to how my impatience stifled bonding with my two daughters as they grew older.  Once diagnosed, it took me no time to read the adhd traits that  applied to me to see how subtlely subverting adhd is to parent/child relationships.   Whether or not the parent has adhd, I agree that counseling is the best way to go.  Dominant male thing or whatever the suspected cause, the bottom line is this: is dad happy with the relationship, or would he like to be on better terms?  If the latter, then it's really up to us fathers to seek insight and advice as to how to improve our father/son or father/daughter relationships.  It's a cop-out for us to expect the kids to take the initiative--though ultimately the kids will benefit from talking to a third party also.

I hear what you are saying maybe you can have them plan a special day together and have them compromise on an activity and if their relationship is to work your hubby may have to at first let your son decide.  Have you spoken to your husband on what you are observing?   I know that you probably have already thought of this but I am a firm believer in counseling.  I know at my son's play therapist's office I see teens and their parents often going to counseling together with many of the therapists that are in the practice. 

I would love them to go to a professional but they have to be willing.

It's such a sore subject that just mentioning it brings up such tension!

Thanks for all your support.  Ironically my dh had a dad who was also very critical and my dh never felt totally accepted for himself by his dad so it blows my mind why he's repeating the cycle.  Yes, of course I point that out but it causes more stress.  Must be a man thing and makes the point that we turn into our parents whether we want to or not!

To me though, self esteem is everything and these kids have so many blows to their self esteem through their peers, and school and everyday life.  As parents we have to try to make them feel good about themselves.  Its tough to set limits and try to make them better people while still making them feel they are wonderful.

I'm trying......