Rock Bottom | ADHD Information

Yes you are correct in who to sned the letters to. Explain what you would like him tested for and what your concerns are. I have found it helpful to ALWAYS include my childs strengths also. Hand dlevier it and request your cover letter be date stamped and a copy made for you with the date stamp on it. If you want to be nice, make enough copies to for everyone you have cc'd . I would include the school counselor if you are asking for any kind of social stuff.

I totally hear where you're coming form. Dont beat yourself up over it. we've all done this. The grind just gets too overwhelming. Pat yourself on the back, he's so lucky how much you are both doing for him.

Hi Bethann. Thanks to you and Diane V for commenting. I am at work and it's been a struggle all day not to cry.  It was just an awful night. I hope ds is forgiving as he grows up and remembers these moments...

Our ds is 6 and in first grade. I've written about even holding him back so that is something else we may be considering along with all of this other 'stuff'.  I think dh and I had also came to the conclusion that we will be seeking a more qualified doctor (neuropsychologist). DS was only diagnosed in March of 2007, so it hasn't even been a year , yet. But he is on Adderall XR 10 mg.  It doesn't seem to help much lately. Neither do we, though, so it's all being put under the microscope at this point.

I am just starting with the school, it's just a step I have written down. Just a stepping stone.  But there are more advanced ones to come, I'm just having to learn them. No one is offering up suggestions, other than everyone at this site.  I don't know what I'd do without this site in circumstances such as these.

Isn't it amazing how you have to fight for your disabled childs rights, why won't the school's just see the child's needs and provide them - it's always about $$

I always felt that if they helped the child early, like early intervention, that it may cost the school district less $ in the end.

Start the process - you need to put the request in writing and then allow the school a certain number of business day to complete the evaluation. Mark your calendar, vacation days /snow days do NOT count - only days that school is open.

We up unti a week ago had an IEP. He is no longer qualifying for it, so my son is now on a 504. An IEP is stronger, more legally binding than a 504, but a 504 is better than nothing.

have them do a complete evaluation and let them tell you what they find.

Call the school first and let them know what you would like to do and that you would like to come in and fill out the necessary paper work in person. They may direct you to their special education department, not sure on that. Sorry it haas been a while!!

Keep posting!!!

I feel your pain ILOVEMYBOYS and I have been where you are. I have been crazy with anger, yelling, at my child and God! I have also asked WHY did you give me to him as a mother. I am NOT good for him. I wish I could hug you and tell you its ok to feel this way. BUT you are what is best for him and God and your little man know it. No one can love him or know him like you and your DH. He came from you...and he is your heart.

I agree with the other ladies here and sounds like you are doing what you need to , to get him the help you need. He may need an increase in meds or a change in meds...it took us many before we found the right one and dosage. Also have you thought about therapy , behavioural for him and maybe some family for you and DH? It can help tremendously! As for your little man, *remembering*, dont worry..they are more resilant than we are! Take a deep breath and take care of YOU too. You are no good to him  in the place you are now OR to yourself or DH.

 

My son was pretty bad at age 5. I refused medication for that first year and it was horrible. Tantrums, impulse, hyperness and I was a single Mom to boot with a 13 year old. The decison to give him meds was the best one I ever made for him and for my family. We did play therapy for a year also and that was wonderful. We have a good, supportive school system and that helps too.

Please keep us updated on not onlY HIM but you!!

 

(HUGS)))))

It's unreal how they just expect you to ... I don't know what they expect the parents to do?!!  You would think if they saw a need that they would try to fill it for the sake of the child. DS's teachers know that we are desperately doing our best, failing at time but trying nonetheless...so you would think that could be incentive (spelling?) to work WITH us...  And as much as my dh loves our boy, their relationship is fizzling...dh just wants me to read up and learn what to do and then just 'tell him' how it is. Good grief.  But I can't handle another guilt ridden day, so the answers are coming whether it's offered easily or if I have to fight for them.  My ds deserves it, he didn't deserve a night like last night. Period. But you're right, it's just a shame that the empathy they expect these children to exude isn't included in their own hearts.

Thank you Jacks8897, for all your understanding. Isn't it just awful the things you say and do when you've reached the bottom? Once things simmered down, I stopped crying he stopped crying...I cried more because I re-hashed what had just happened. But it's moved me into action...so maybe we had to hit bottom before we could start our way up. I don't know, but my heart has a rip in it today and until I see the light at the end of ds's and our tunnel, it will stay there.  This is just a very hard day. Very hard.   But, we're on our way to a better way of living for ds. 

I have been praying a lot today and I get peace out of that, praying for peace and forgiveness and HELP!  And also thanking God for this forum.  The encouragement already has lifted my spirits.  Thanks so much.

Yoiu know what, that all sounds great what you are doing.

What sound even better is that you realize what happened this weekend was wrong and it won't happen again.

Once my son was diagnosed, there was no more spanking. I realized this little boy had no control over this. He needed our help.

I would also revisit his medication. Maybe adderall isn't the one.

Once my son found the right mg of concerta, and after the pills take effect, there is no more silly, goofyness, ignoring us when we speak, etc. He controls all the impulsiveness and stuff that he can't without his pills.

Your morning sounded wonderful, great post. Remember, they have been diagnosed with a disorder, they cannot some of their behaviors, that is why they have ADHD and it doesn't go away, it just is better managed with age. 

One of the best things a friend has said to me when I've been at my lows is that my dd picked me for a reason.  I struggle and feel like a failure sometimes but it helps to remember that.  Maybe our children choose/are chosen for us because they need something about who we are - sure we're not perfect - but maybe they're having a better life in this world because of us, because of who we are, how we parent and how very much we love them.  I'm sure your son is very lucky to have you!  You obviously love him so much and are trying so very hard to make his world better for him. 

Little Mommy, I knew when I posted that that you all would know exactly what I was talking about. My dh adopted my son (biological took off and never came back, he was my highschool 'sweetheart' what a joke!) and so for the first two years of ds's life I heard "Oh, he just needs a father figure to get him lined out..." or "He just needs a firm hand, it's hard for him to get what he needs from one parent"...that's when the guilt started. Here I was, at 21 years old, raising him to the very best of my ability and loving him more than anyone else could...and it wasn't good enough. When dh came along, he too had the same thought. He assumed that when we got married all would 'fall into place'. Now, he has shared the same frustrations and tears.  If you don't live it every single day, you'll never understand what ADHD is...plain and simple.

Mamaou, you seem like you've got your ducks in a row, so to speak, and your words were very encouraging, thank you!

Crunchy Frog,  I too feel comfort when I think of the fact that he was given to me. I just feel awful when I lose it with him. We screamed and spanked and just lost our footing. It was just a terrible experience. And a lot of times I do feel like I'm not doing what he needs. But that ended yesterday, I'm on a mission!

 

We had an awesome morning, though, and I'm so thankful. See, ds needs lots of direction and reminding in the morning.  So, a few months ago I made some charts. In his room, I have a chart numbered to 5.  1 says "Make Bed" and I used clip art to find a picture of a boy making his bed. 2 says "Get dressed" and so on. 5 says to eat breakfast. So, once ds gets in there to eat breakfast, there is a chart on the fridge when he's done, it tells him to brush his teeth. Once in the bathroom, he has a chart that says to get his shoes on and so on...Finaly, at the front door it just has a bunch of those smiley faces and says "We Love YOu" and "Have a great day"...we time him at each 'section'.  If he continues to follow it like he did today, he has 10 minutes of Free time.  He can watch cartoons, do legos, whatever...It worked well and he was especially happy, so maybe we've found our first thing that works! Yay!!

I am with you too.  I was in a similar situation last year (1st grade) and now I have a boy on the honor roll!  We went for 2 years trying the Feingold diet but it was very stressful and didn't work well enough.  My dh and I were afraid of meds too but it has made our homelife so much better! 

 

Good luck!

I'm not really afraid of meds, DS is on Adderall XR but we just haven't challenged that, up to this point. I'm definitely thinking it is something up for consideration... DS has just seemed to have built up a tolerance. Whatever..I'm just willing to do whatever it takes. Something has got to give, he deserves a break. The poor kid... At this point, I am ready for what you have, Isaniga! Dh and ds, too (as well as our other boys).  I'm glad for you and I hope to be where you are, soon!

ilovemyboys, I dont have much advice for you, but I wanted to send you some hugs. It is tough, and I'm with you, I dont understand why people continue to act as if ADHD isnt real .. and why the schools dont offer suggestions and help. A parent shouldnt have to fight for it, they should hand it out when needed... after all, they are there for the child's education and they know better than us how our kids are doing in school!

Hang in there.. things ALWAYS work out .. things ALWAYS get better.. take it one day at a time. Sometimes it's too scary to think of everything at once. Take each step one at a time, one small goal at a time, and before you know it, you'll be done and seeing such greatness in your DS!

Janyben, thanks so much. You're right about everything you say. The times WE break are the hardest. I can handle him falling apart and sending him reassurance but it's harder when I'm the one failing him miserably. But the answers are coming, as I previously chanted!   Things are only going to get better, I'll see to it. But the support of you all is just so awesome. I have said it more than once in this post and in this forum altogether, but this site is a Godsend.

Hi everyone! Well, we've decided it's time to formally request that an evaluation be done for our ds by his school. I know I am to type it up, make a copy for myself and send to his teacher, principal and the special ed teacher, correct? Should I also get the school counselor involved?

We had ds's teacher (main and special reading) fill out the Connor's Form and frankly, we were surprised. Surprised at how bad they scored him. Some of the issues we thought he didn't have, turns out he does (according to them).

Last night was the end of dh's rope and it just all blew up. I have never had such guilt and shame carried on my shoulders. We lost it with our little boy...I am absolutely heartbroken. He is absolutely resilient and while I ran into the bathroom to cry harder than I think I ever have, he was playing and giggling.  Just added to the weight already present on my weak shoulders.  I'm mortified and just feel at such a complete loss. You go to look at what you got so very angered/discouraged/tempered/ignorant about and it seems so petty but the daily wear and tear is just more than I can express. He isn't bad. He's just...I don't even have a word for it. I actually looked at God last night and said "I don't understand why you gave him to me...I am not doing him justice..." I love him, dh loves him more than words could ever express but ... I don't know. This is so hard. I feel like I hate ADHD. I do. For autism, researches, teachers, doctors, peers, family, community-they all look at the child with autism and say "Let's help them, advise them, pray for them, do research and find what could improve their lifestyle.." For ADHD, you get "That child needs discipline..." or "He's just a boy, just a kid..."  It is so disheartening. I am in uncharted territory. Completely.DH and I decided last night to look for a counselor. Money is tight and it's just more strain but we're willing to do that because we've never felt as low as we did last night. Hope escaped me momentarily.

But if you could, could you please let me know where to go with this formal request? I would be forever greatful.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure you're frowning at the heaviness of my letter, but I feel a little better coming here and knowing that maybe some of you have felt what I feel. Completely desperate.

                  

Hugs to your husband and you. I completely understand how your patience gets tested.  A lot of us here have been where you and your husband where last night, guilt and all.

But look at how much you care, you are here on the boards sharing your story and asking for help.

God gives us what we can handle and you can handle this!

How old is your son????

I would first call your pediatrician and ask for a referral to a pediatric neuropsychologist. Call your insurance company and find out if they will cover this evaluation.  Why do you want to go through the school? So many are misdiagnosed.

Please go to a professional neurologist. They can completely diagnose him.

My son was "incredible" to say the least, until we medicated him. It really has helped and he leads a typical life. I let him suffer until he was almost 7 with all the horrible school and outside school stuff due to my own fears of medications. My DS is 10 and incredibly HHHHHH along with IMPULSIVELY IMPUSIVE!!

We have him going to a psychopharmacologist, who specializes in the medications for these disorders. DS is in good hands with the specialist and again, leading a typical kids life!!

Best wishes.

I just wanted to wish you well ......from someone that has walked in your shoes....The stress can be overwhelming at times....

 Mine came in September ....when I thought I couldn't cope with the situation anymore and had to find alternatives ....anything to help us.

We too had the fights, with granddaughter over every aspect of our daily lives...

we wanted her cooperation and she was unable to give it to us....Her saying for everything was NO....and defiance...

That is when we decided to proceed with School testing.....we had put it off for

3 years thinking she would out grow the not wanting to do homework etc....which she never did....her behavior had improved each year but not wanting to do homework never did.

You are doing the right thing getting him tested  and will be better able to help your son....also go back to doctor about medication .....if its not helping him...

Thankfully our medication is stable...

Everything you do ......will help the situation at your house become more peaceful and less stressful.

 

 

I think we have all asked why us, why our child.  But you are doing the right thing in getting help with at school and therapy.  I have seen with my son that the behavior he has is different for many places.  Home is a little out there, daycare (the one he is in now) he is almost perfect, my mothers the same, and at school it is a battle at times.  I think there is just so much going on at school that our kids get over stimulated and can't cope.  If they scored that connors test with alot of negatives, in a way that is good.  You have a better chance to get the help he needs in school.  I would worry if they did the opposite.  [QUOTE=ilovemyboys]

I feel like I hate ADHD. I do. For autism, researches, teachers, doctors, peers, family, community-they all look at the child with autism and say "Let's help them, advise them, pray for them, do research and find what could improve their lifestyle.." For ADHD, you get "That child needs discipline..." or "He's just a boy, just a kid..."  It is so disheartening.

[/QUOTE]

That's exactly how I feel! As soon as I told my family about our pediatrician mentioning the word ADHD everyone's reaction is "You just need to beat him" or "He's a boy!" I can't tell you how much I absolutely hate that response. Even worse, when I get stressed out and fed up, people want to tell me that I need to just 'deal.' It's not that tough. The behavior that people see when we go places is just a snapshot of it. I have to live it everyday, all day! It gets so frustrating, especially when all my family wants to do is make excuses for his behavior instead of helping me.
oneheart & ilovemyboys, you both seem to be in the same place that I am these days.  For me it isn't just a "bad week", it's been coming more so since DS diagnosis back in Nov, gradually getting more & more to handle.  I intend to seek out help, I hope I'm successful.  Our boys deserve a mom who doesn't fly off the handle for every little thing, I feel like I "bark" all the time these days.  I definately agree that it feels like rock bottom.    Thanks for your words of encouragement, they give me strength to do whatever it is that I need to do.

epokey & ilovemyboys - I know exactly what you are going through.  September-November were terrible months for us.  I shed many tears, was at a loss for how to help my daughter, felt like a terrible parent and also not in a good place in my marriage.  Luckily for us, we found an outstanding therapist to work with.  We spent the first couple of months working on improving our daughter's behavior and learning techniques and strategies for better helping her be successful.   The last couple of months have been great in this regard.  It has been so nice not to walk on eggshells all the time.  (We also adjusted her meds during this period too.)  

My husband and I are now working with him to help us get out of the terrible rut we have been in for many years.  My husband's undiagnosed ADHD also had me tired and frustrated.   I was tired of being his Mom too.  

We have had to pay out of pocket for all the therapy we have done.  It's not easy, but it's been well worth it.   We are in a much better place as a family.

Hang in there and good luck with your appointments.

HorseMom, thanks so much for writing. It always helps to hear of those who are where we are but it is also very encouraging to hear from those who have been there and climbed out of the hole!  I hope to be where you are very soon...

It's tough on the body and mind to feel the way we do right now. It's almost, dare I say it, a feeling of hopelessness. But you just have to scratch and claw your way out of that mindset.  This is particularly, at the risk of offending some, where my faith in Jesus Christ comes in. If I didn't have Him to pray to, I WOULD fall apart. Fortunately, it is then that I find our hope...

I found a great deal of comfort in the Christian music my girls and I listen too.  Many of the songs really hit home and help me through some really hard times.   Mathew West and Shawn McDonald have some really wonderful songs as do Casting Crowns.    

While we don't always make it to church every Sunday, there were some really great homilies that really hit home too.   Some of them I wish my husband had heard as well (he's not Catholic and doesn't go to church with us unless it is a special occasion).

Good supportive friends are another things that has helped me get through this all.  I have good friends who all have kids (and husbands) with issues to and we workout and commiserate together.

epokey, you were not alone.  Last night I reached my epiphany.  I snapped and the sight that made me come to the realization that I had lost it was seeing my son cowering from me in tears.  All I could think was how could I come to this?  Blinding rage, exhaustion, impatience, being alone, no family support- it just all came to a head. How could I hurt someone so precious , my heart and soul?  I felt literally toxic and didn't know who or what I had become.  I know I am the one who has to seek change.  Anti-anxiety medication, therapy-- whatever it takes.  I don't want my son to be afraid of me because I can't handle these life choices I made.  I can't keep using my son's ADHD as an excuse for my uncontrolled behavior.  Change must happen. Seek help and you are on the right path.  But I never felt as low as I am now.  I came to this forum just recently and now I know for a reason.  Feeling alot of stress and intolerance with my son.  Everyday during lunch at work I read this forum to keep in touch with the fact that my son is not in control of his neurophysiological shortcomings and I can't blame him.   But empowerment through self-education is only part of the coping skills issue with ADHD.  Sometimes you just have to know when to throughin the towel and seek outside internal help.  That is the reason we hit rock bottom.  It gives us the opportunity to rise above and find a way to make things better for us, for our children.

Wow, OneHeart, you hit the nail on the head for me. This is the exact spot I've been in all week. It was absolutely the most horrific sight/night I will never forget, it's forever etched in my memory. I'm glad, though, because you said it when you said sometimes we have to hit rock bottom...I won't get to that place again.

These poor kids, they just want to be accepted and loved. Period. and we just want someone to help us get them there!  But everything you said, describes me and it describes DH.  

I hope so!  I sure have a lot of questions for the child psychologist today, one of them being where do I seek help?  And yes, you're right, $$$$$!  It just adds to the already stressful situation!  I'm so glad that I found someone like you who can relate, it doesn't make things better, but it does remind me that I'm not alone.  Like you said, it has to get better!Well, it's hard to look at your struggling child and the whole family, for that matter and then say "I don't know if we can afford it" because we feel guilty about it. Or I do.  I want to buy him and US all the help we can get but there is limited funding.  Lots and lots and lots of guilt and stress.  But you're right, it does ease some of that to know that there are others who share your love (we all love our children), frustrations, guilt, and all the other things that go with this...It helps tremendously to know that.ilovemyboys--hugs to you!  We too had a night last night like the one you explained, it seems to be the norm w/ADHD kids.  Our 5yr DS had me to the breaking point all within 1/2 hr of being home and I had sent him to his room.  After coming out of his room I stood in the kitchen and released my anger & frustration by just yelling very loudly.  After I was done w/my "tantrum" I looked down & saw my very scared 21 month old son just looking at me in fear saying "mommy" over & over, it absolutely broke my heart that he was in the midst of all of this anger, as he usually is.  I scared him and it broke my heart!  Like you, I just feel like it's never going to get better, but it just has to.  Your taking steps in the right direction, hopefully it leads you on a path to success.  Just had to share my story to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Epokey, I too have a two year old who is thrown in the mix of it all.  He sometimes will just act like we're just being 'normal' and that is so sad...we yell too much, we spank, we have 'tantrums' (very good word for it)...and he just hangs in there. I always try to remove him from the situation but some times it just doesn't work out. It's humiliating and shameful ... but it won't happen at our house again.

His meds will be re-evaluated very soon, I think that is a large portion of the problems.  It just has to get better and I know it will.

Our Ds's meds will be re-evaluated soon also, we finally have our 1st psychiatrist appt on Mon and it can't come soon enough.  DH & I have an appt w/DS psychologist today (w/o DS) to discuss our situation.  I'm very anxious for this appt because I seriously feel like I'm on the edge of an emotional breakdown.  I just have so much frustration when I'm around my kids, mostly because of the constant struggle w/ADHD DS.  He leaves me with no patience left for my youngest or any small disagreements DH & I may have.  I feel my patience cut shorter & shorter everyday,  last night I just cried most of the evening because of how I felt I was failing as a mom.  I'm supposed to be the nurturing one with all of the patience and love for our kids and I can't keep it together.  I'm really hoping this appt today will help me too. 

Are we sisters???? 

I feel exactly the same way. DH and I are not handling the stress well together either. I just feel awful about everything really. Not much leaves me feeling 'good'.   I'm calling today to up our appointment for meds and I'm looking into family counseling ($$$ I hate it! I just want help, why does it have to take your arm and a leg) as well. I need to look into getting a psychologist...just add it to my list. 

There is a silver lining somewhere, right.

You're right. Your mention and explaination of "EXTREME" was wonderful (another post), it fit our family very well.

We have p/t conferences tonight. DS is struggling in math and in the language arts section (reading, spelling). Not only does he loathe it, but he just doesn't get it. So, he's in a Title I reading class ('special' class) and yet, when he returns to home room, he's tested on the same material??? Is that right? He fails, of course, on the grading but to me that just seems like a DUH! (I had no other word to describe it) It seems so obvious to me that he shouldn't be tested on the same level as his regular class...Anyway, I'm trying to get questions in order fo the p/t conference because I want to get answers and also because our dr. appt is coming up and I want to go in there full of knowledge...DS is desperate right now for me to do this for him. Frankly, our whole family is desperate for the answers and help...

I am never happy to hear about another parents pain in living with this challenge that our children have to live with.....but (selfishly) this board and the folks here are the best medicine for us caregivers. 

I am sorry you had that awful night, but just the fact that you sat down to right about it and reach out for hand to steady yourself means you are the best mom for your little guy.  I bet most parents here have more stories about loosing patience/control with their kids than they feel comfortable with.  This is hard work, and harder without support.