Also at Rock Bottom | ADHD Information
i dont think any of us can say our own parents didnt yell at us.
its part of learning limits and what to do once weve crossed those lines.
how to let go and de-escalate and to come back and talk once things are cool agian. seeking how avoid getting pass that line the next time is what really matters.
coming forward publicly seeking support is also part of that understanding.
in the same way your heart felt for your son, because he is human -remember that you are too.
ommas39477.8361226852A lot of us seem to be in the same place right now. I was gonna put this in the Rock Bottom thread but decided not to hijack the thread! I know I need help and it's up to me to change to get things right with my family. Today I'm heartbroken as I shouted so loud at my littlest boy, and he cried and was really upset and couldn't understand why mommy was so mad. I couldn't understand either - and he's just started at a new school and going through a rough time himself and he didn't deserve me making him cry like that.
I feel I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do anymore some days. It seems like there are so many challenges stacked up against us - ADHD, Beckwith Weidemann Syndrome, diabetes, financial worries - today the medical aid premiums went up substantially, little family support or any other kind of support, and the latest here is daily power cuts, so I'm not even sure how to make a living any more as my business is computer based.
We're going to family counselling on 5 Feb as we really need help before it's too late. Things were going well until around Nov last year when we just started on a downhill slide and now I'm fighting with my 9yo every day, he's such a good kid but he's really oppositional. He doesn't want to be in trouble and he actually says he doesn't know how to be good. This is taking its toll on my wonderful hubby and my littlest boy too. Some days I just don't wanna get out of bed - I can't face all the curveballs.
Hey there -- one moment at a time! Have you got any support for yourself? You sound really depressed (speaking from experience here), can you talk to your doctor about that?If it helps, here's a story about one of my rock bottom moments (too bad it can happen more than once!). DS was following me around, bumping into me, getting in front of me and I would trip over him, and talking nonstop in my ear while I was trying to get things done. He just wanted constant contact and feedback all day long. At the end of my rope, I turned around and screamed in his face "SHUT UP!" at the top of my lungs.
It was awful for me, but DS, even at age 6 at that point, just looked at me and said "Well, I didn't know you were gonna go crazy!"
Luckily that cracked both of us and DH up so we managed to laugh.
Hey- I agtee with TillyT- you sound so overwhelmed. Please bring this up to your Fam. Counselour and ask for a recommendation for a doctor or therapist who can help you. If you continue to feel tremendous sadness and guilt everyday- it is going to be really hard- maybe even impossible to get your family back on track.
You are doing such a good thing getting the counseling appt. despite financial troubles and a busy life. Oh my goodness- we all lose our tempers sometimes- believe me- if anyone witnessed my worst parenting moments I would be mortified. TillyT- you are a saint to share that funny story- your kid is funny.
Chin up- Continue to do your best- we all make mistakes- forgive yourself- learn from it.
Gutsy,
Sometimes it just piles on, doesn't it? I went to my physician about 5 yrs ago and said some days I just don't know how I'll get thru the day and I don't want to go thru like like htis. She prescribed lexapro, it helped and I'm still on it. About 6 months ago, more piled on, went to my current physician, and we added wellbutrin. I am feeling much better, I want to get out and exercise, take time for myself, and be a good mom. I'm not saying meds cure everything, but sometimes our lives just put too much on us. I knew that feeling of not wanting to face the day was a sign of depression. If I thought it would go away on it's own, I would have fought it out. But knowing that new challenges are right around the corner really makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please take care of yourself.
Oh man I feel your pain, I really do. One time I yelled so hard at my daughter I lost my voice. I had to lie to people as to why I lost it. It was terrible. Don't beat yourself up.
Having an ADHD child is very very exhausting and frustrating. I hope that the family counseling next week provides some good support and ideas to help you out. Hang in there.
Hi guys, thank you all for your wonderful replies. Yesterday I dragged myself off to my doctor and got some antidepressants for myself and already feel a bit better, a bit more ready to fight another day.
TillyT, we don't have a lot of support - my husband is absolutely wonderful but overwhelmed too, and my mom does what she can but gets tired very quickly. I'm very glad of the help from both of them though.
Ommas, thanks - sometimes us parents tend to think the world expects us to be more than human so it's good to be reminded we are human!
Leftymom and KidsinSpace- although I knew I was depressed and that not wanting to get out of bed is certainly a sign, I still didn't have the will to go to the doctor, your comments made me realise that I HAD to.
OneHeart, you are quite right - a laugh, and even just a smile makes you feel so much better. I find myself looking for something to laugh at all the time now, and finding it too quite often.
So thank you all. God bless you.
Gutsy, you've brought up one the few pivotal changes that can help you crawl back out of the hole of anger and frustrations we find ourselves in- humor. It really is the spell breaker. I would add 'keeping your sense of humor' as an essential ingredient to the volatile brew of our lives. I wish I had a way to evoke laughter at that moment right before we snap, because laughter is like water on the fire of our anger. It dispells the moment. How you do that I don't know. Keep a joke book handy? Tickle yourself? If only you could release the anger with laughter.Just wanted to drop in and give my support too. Our special kids are extreme.....extremely intelligent, extremely physical, extremely funny, and extremely exaughsting. So, for me, that means I have extreme reactions when I haven't had a break in a while or its been a bad day. You are sooo not alone, and you are good mom. It never feels good when you loose your cool with your kids, but its gonna happen. I'm routing for you! Good luck with the counseling.Twodoodles, I feel that was a VERY good explaination. It fit me very well. Thanks for sharing your words...I see what you are saying randyjim- that is really hard for the other kids. I don't know that I have any good advice, but with the youngest being 6- I would just keep explaining how Jon has different needs... 9 year old is probably old enough to get that, 6 year old- almost old enough. They might understand but still resent it. I don't have a solution to that. I guess I would make sure to praise them all for good behaviors- and maybe one of the "good behaviors" that warrant paraise could be tolerance and understanding of Jon's needs. If they show compassion vs resentment- that is deserving of praise.
Still, I think that as long as the kids view the situation as "unfair" there will be some resentment. Maybe if they come to understand that Jon is also in an "unfair" circumstance, it will make things seem a little more even.
Good luck, randyjim. I am hoping for the best for your family.
KidsInSpace39484.5215046296
What a day! Jon's principal is calling me- I don't think they want to keep him in private school even though my other two are there. And Jon is a sweetheart in school mostly. Have received a lot of info today including his neurologist who said he does not respond normally to meds....
I am taking Jon completely off meds this weekend and will allow him to adjust to what I don't know. His neurologist said go ahead. And I am making an appointment with a Psychiatrist and behavioral psychologist.
Thank you all for listening to me. I reached the end of my rope and found there is a lifeline at the end of it- you all giving encouragement and help.
I think this is a good plan. You need a good SOLID full evaluation in order to make a decision how to proceed. I did this last year with my daughter, just STOPPED her meds for a bit. Took a breather and moved forward. It, if nothing else, let me clear my head. I was able to see what was being caused by meds and what was "her". It's easier for me now when figuring out whats happening. It also made me see that pretty much at this point she cannot tolerate stimulant meds.....which is what got us to Strattera......finally.......
I started the Rock Bottom thread...
It is hard, that place we're in right now...but the best thing you can do now if find some coping strategies or answers to questions you have. I have no answers and only a few coping strategies so that's where we are currently. We have another dr. check up this month (can't come soon enough!) and I will not leave until I have answers.
Financial problems can really run over and cause greater conflict within other aspects of your life. Try really hard to contain your issues where they need to be. I have struggles with this, as well, so this is just me telling you of my current efforts. Everyone is affected whether good or bad, in a family of a child with ADHD and/or any other medical issues. It's unreal. People don't understand it unless they've been there and that's why this place is so great. Take comfort in that we are all with you...and pray a lot! That is also my new greatest therapy and comfort.
It will get better...I just know it.
randyjim you may have to dsicipline him differently than your other children, but dont ignore his beahaviors or not discipline him. He needs more direction and more direct consequences. Jumping out of a moving car NEEDS to be addressed. Yup most likely due to his impulsivity, BUT that doesnt mean he still has to learn what is NEVER ok and why.
Time outs dont work, dont bother. We only send our children to their rooms if they cannto "behave appopriately with the rest of the family". The point is only if hey are "wroked up" and need to calm down, then we discuss what/how/why after they calm down. Other times their consequences are to take something away, usually computer time or game time. Direct, to the point immedaite and brief. Example if child is talking back, one warning dont do it or you lose gameboy until dinner, say it once, they talk back take it. I say for brief periods like the afternoon so they can "earn it back" by dinner by behaving.
[QUOTE=randyjim]Oh my, this has been a great place to read and get help and know that there are other families struggling with all these issues. I know that my 8yo son with ADHD has to be treated differently than my other children and they resent it sometimes. They are a 6yo girl and a 9yo boy. Does anyone have any suggestions to make it easier for the other children in a family?[/QUOTE]
In what way is your middle child treated differently?
My ADHD son when screaming can't be told to go to his room or time out. We have to physically lead him into his room. He takes things and food without asking. His behavior when playing with other children can sometimes be awful. He took eggs and threw them on our neighbor's car on Halloween because there was a program that evening that showed children throwing eggs. His brother and sister understand when I explain why something is the way it is but he does not.
This afternoon he took off his seatbelt and jumped out of the car before I had parked it in the doctor's parking lot. His 6 y/o sister followed suit. Jon kept saying I had stopped the car. He did not get punished but the 6 y/o had time out. I guess I am saying that I excuse a lot of his misbehavior because he can't control himself and because he gets set off if he is told he is misbehaving. He does get time outs for dangerous activities when we are home most of the time but how can I justify disciplining him when he can't help himself?
randyjim,
is your son medicated? it sounds like impulsive behavior. The removing of the seat belt and getting out of the car is very dangerous.
have you told his doctor? If you are not medicating, I would discuss it with your doctor and see if it is an option. I would hate for this little boy to get hurt or worse, when it can be prevented!
Just my opinion!