Let him Quit the Team? | ADHD Information

i say let him get benched but not quit.

quiting is a quintessential symptom for adhd.

we get focussed on new things   get distracted    and start on new things without completing old things.   it becomes a behavior that plays out over and over. sometimes  we succeed  other times we just give up.  like being last in a race but without ever crossing the finishline.  its a bad habit  

I'm just saying  i think if he joined a team  he should stick it out with the team until the team no longer has games or practice.

 

 

further i once heard a  "vip" on the radio once say that many marriages suffer from jumping from one task to another too soon without time to appreciate  the contributions the partners make  toward thier goals and achievments.

i think thats true  and it goes all the way back to child developement with issues just this.

ommas39479.3078587963 We went through a similar situation with my daughter this fall and it wasn't easy.  She wanted to quit her basketball team.  (It was her decision to tryout for the team and play.)   I had some friends tell me to let her quit and other's make her stick it out.  I also consulted with a social worker that we have known since my daughter was born.   Her advice was to have her stick it out.   

This was also during at time when my daughter's behavior was on downward spiral.  We were having many tantrum regarding many things and on the advise of our social worker, we found a therapist (who is also a LCSW) to work with while we were also working on the med piece.   His recommendation was to also have her stick it out.

Since the coaches were great,  she had fun at practice once she got there and her skills were on par with the other players,  we didn't let her quit.   For us, this was the right decision.  It was a great opportunity for my daughter to learn how to deal with her emotions and practice the things we were working with therapist with.   She learned how to appropriately deal with not wanting to go to practice and learned how to better express what was thinking and feeling.   This wasn't not an easy process and we had many fights, tears and tantrums.  It would have been far easier for ME if I had let her quit - but it was a great opportunity for to learn those life skills.

Fast forward today,  we have one month left in the season.  Instead of handing out on the sidelines before practice, she jumps right out on the court.  She's much more comfortable with the girls on the team and even carpooled to practice with one of them the other day.  (This was huge as I have been the only one to take her to practice.)   This past weekend, she was sidelined with an injured thumb.   She was BEGGING to be put in the game.    All of this really validated my decision to have her keep playing. 

Will she play next year with this team, the jury is still out.   I'd love her to keep playing with them, but she made up her mind back in September/October that she wouldn't play for this organization next year.   I'll probably be hard pressed to change her mind and will respect whatever decision she makes.
HorseMom39478.7412152778

We play sports as well. And are currently playing basketball. My son is in 5th grade and on the travel team, not the A team, but the B team. He is with his football and baseball friends so we like it for the social part of it.

If my son was miserable and there was only two weeks left, I would just stop going. I wouldn't use the word "QUIT" to your son, just stop.

Does it really matter to hang in there for two more weeks?

Just my opinion.

Thank you all so much for the suggestions. We did exactly what Bethann suggested - told him that it was okay to stop, that we had talked with his teachers and that it was just not worth it to be so miserable. However, that does not mean you can do this all the time. Many times in life you will have to finish what you started, put your head down and power thru. The thing that really decided it for us was his coaches, who said his misery was too painful to watch and that it was effecting the team. They know my son and said they had come to learn that that some things just weren't his fault and he can't help. < =text/>_popupControl(); I, too, would have let him stop. Life's too short and our kids have too many hurdles that they don't choose, to force him to take on another on principle. That definitely sounds like the right choice for your situation - especially if the coach thinks it's the right thing.

In our case, her coaches really wanted to work with her and she was actively participating and learning tons.  Had they not been so supportive, we have probably let her quit.

BTW - for us basketball is a great sport for my ADHD daughter.  She needs fast paced sports like basketball and soccer.  She also has an amazing memory and is able to remember the plays better than most kids on her team and is very focused on the court. 

Off the court is sometimes a different story.  She comes up with the most off the wall observations some times and keeps her team smiling.   One practice, she really wanted to knew what made band aids sticky.  Another time, during a time out huddle, she out of the blue commented that all the numbers on the score board were 1's & 4's.   I'd love to get inside her head just for an hour or two to see how it worked.

my 12 yr old does better with non team activites like wrestling ( well its a team but they play one on one), guitar, skateboarding, hiking.....We have let him stop team sports in the past with the out look of "its good to try things to see if you like them and they are for you..."

[QUOTE]but he is crying and the coach is now thinking we should let him quit.[/QUOTE]

Is he actually crying at the games/practices?  If so, I would let him quit.  12 year old boys do not like crying in front of their peers- and if he can't stop himself from crying - he must be really miserable. 

This is really a hard decision.  It is kind of a lose/lose situation for you.  I'm sorry you have to make such a tough call.  Follow your intuition.

I agree with Chinamom.

Since there is only two more weeks, I'd tell him that he has to stick it out because he made a commitment but he doesn't have to play next year. 

What specifically is making him so upset? If he is one of the top players on the team is there something else going on?

Since your son is good in sports, can you suggest a different one for him to participate in next year? 

 

My son is 12 and a terrific athlete, however, he is on the basketball team and just hates it. Basketball is not the best sport for kids with ADHD, IMO, because there is too much need for quick recovery/transition and that is hard. It's a very young team with inexperienced players and he is defintely one of the top 2 or 3. 

We have felt that he should follow thru. There is only 2 weeks left, but he is crying and the coach is now thinking we should let him quit. I can't decide. Does it set a bad precedent, send the wrong message?  Or is it my responsibility alleviate his total misery?

That's a toughie. You want him to honor his commitment and finish the
season while at the same time he's miserable. I don't know the answer, I'm
afraid. I just understand your dilemma. If he were my son I think I'd make
him stick it out till the end of the season. (We have a similar dilemma with
my non-ADHD dd). It's all part of being on a team. That being said, is it
really worth it if he's miserable? Sorry I am not much help!    

Hey don't beat yourself up over this. It has been awhile since he "stopped going"

How is he doing??? Don't be so critical of your decisions. You are his mother and have ONLY his best interests at heart.

You are not wrong whatever you decide as long as it is what YOU think is BEST for YOUR CHILD!!

Willemom...I so feel your pain.  We had the same problem with our son last year.  He was 11 at the time and wanted to be on the basketball team, yet didn't want to put the effort into practices.  He loved playing in the games, but boy, when it came to practicing he tried everything to get out of it.

He wanted to quit too, but we made him stick it out.  He chose not to play on the school team this year, and boy did he regret it.  All his peers in his class were playing but him.  We let him make his own decision on this matter and he realized he was wrong.  Now, he can't wait until next year to play again.  I pray he does, it was a great sport for him.

I think that you made the right choice.  It sounds like your son was miserable and thats different than just giving up.  We live and learn and this is just a lesson to put in your play book.  Don't beat yourself up, you did the right thing. 

My boys and I have and agreement: If you start the season, you finish it.

I want them to learn commitment and follow through. The real world is tough but finishing a season of sports will be a building block that they will be fine with.

My son has meltdowns in the dugouts but I don't let him leave. He has to learn to finish what he starts and sometimes we have to do things we don't want to in life. I NEVER push them to play, I just push them to stick with it.

That would have been my approach too, but it was the coaches who felt that he was just too miserable and it would be better to let him stop. Parenting 101 just doesn't seem to work with kids with ADHD. Every time I think I know the answer it seems I'm wrong!