I agree that all kids do this- some worse than others. When the kids are asking for something I always ask "What did Daddy say?" and he does the same. It's kind of become second nature. It also helps that our house is small enough that conversations can be heard throughout most of the house so we know if they are trying it. If they do manage to run and ask the other parent then we make a show of discussing it (and coming to an agreement) in front of them, which helps them to realize that we are always in agreement. Well, not really, but they don't need to know that. On the infrequent occasions that one of them gets over on us, all bets are off and they lose priveleges immediately.
As far as the homework goes, you don't have much control over whether or not she brings it home, so if she's leaving it intentionally make sure you email the teacher to let her know that DD did not bring it home. That way she can't lie to the teacher, or she can, but the teacher will know it's a lie. I would try to be as low key when handling the homework issue as possible- kids with adhd tend to feed off the stimulation of conflict. Just set consequences for not bringing it home and consistently (and calmly) enforce them. An agenda and folder like Diane recommended helps incredibly- it can also be a place to jot notes to the teacher regarding work. If the teacher is willing, perhaps she could find a way (or you could supply something) to reward your daughter for taking home/turning in her homework.
I do not allow playing us, at all. If dd asks me for permission for something and I say no it means NO. If she were to ask DH he would ask me first, and then she would be in alot of trouble. Thge last time she tried it we took away her screen time for a month, she only gets 2 hours a week so it is a valuable commodity.
I would ask the school to eval her, and get a 504, then the teacher will have to check for homework etc.
All kids do this includingmy 7 year old. We have told him though that we are one team and if one says no, that goes for the other one. We have made it very plain what the consequences are when he tries that behavior and have followed through on them, remaining calm while he melts down. let me tell you, his behavior has improvedMy daughter it seems is alway playing one parent off the other...if i tell no that she can't do something she runs to her father..it has caused may problems in the past..however now we just ask each other what we told her that way we are not getting angery with each other..she plays both her father and myself off her birth mother ...(who she only sees twice a month)and let me tell you that causes lots of problems.Now she is playing both of us off her teacher..she tells us that she has no homework and i always check her school bag..most of the time she won't bring her work home with her..then she will tell her teacher that we never made her do her homework. she had a big math test this week and she failed it..placing all the blame on her father and i. what do i do? I have asked that her teacher check her bookbag to make sure she has her homework,and that hasn't worked..i asked the school to send her homework home with her younger brother but they don't really want to do that..I have even called classmates of hers to get the home work for her,when i do that she yells at me,runs to her room and slams her door over and over again..she slams her door so much that i have taken it off a number of times. another thing i was woundering about is how can you get them to understand that they are not like everyone else..and that they don't need to be that you love for who they are not for what they can or can't do. See my 7 year old son excells in school and fits in with all his peers and is alway being invited to a friends house.The problem i run in to here is that my daughter gets mad at her brother and beats on him and getsa mad at her father and i.and tells us that if she was more like her brother we would love her more..I have told her over and over again that we love her for who she is and that she is very important to us and we are always telling her about all the things she can do that he can't..she is very crafty and can make just about anything.what else can i do to help her understand that we love her no matter what and that she shouldn't try to be like everyone else?
Playing paretns off one another is something I really think ALL kids do at some point. To see if theyc an, so you're doing the right thing checking in with each other. I know I did this as a kid. My daughter was really bad about this and did the same thing with the teacher. It was really difficult. I would keep trying to find a way to communicate with the school about homework. My daughter has an agenda book and all homework is written in it, so I can see what she has. This year I've asked that even if she completes homework at school they dont keep it there (they were trying to help her not "forget to pass it in " the next day), but the she'd lie and say she did something and left it at school nt to lose it, but never even did it. So now we have a homework folder for he backpack. Allh omework goes in it, completed or not, so I can check off inher agenda whats done and not done and be sure it gets back in the folder and back to school. This year it seems be clicking and she's getting better about all that. Took a LONG time, she is now 13 and in 7th grade.