starting the diagnosis process | ADHD Information

 thank you to all for replying

i really do value all your advice and help

 

thanks

 liz

I certainly feel your pain.  I knew my daughter was ADHD before she was 2.  She was just NOT like the other kids.

I had extreme pushback along the way from family, my husband,  school and her pediatrician.  When she was 6 I had a firm diagnosis but my husband refused to deal with the meds. 

She was 11 when we put her on medication.  School noticed the first day ... we still were not sure.  By the 2nd week she was a different kid. 

I have found over time that as she has more control of herself, she is proud and has self confidence which helps with the self control.  A good type of vicious circle.

I know you are in the UK.  And I have to admit I do not know much about your health care system.

Last year our first major evaluation was actually FREE.  Yes FREE.  Columbia-Presbyterian Hospital in NYC had a grant to do ADHD evaluations.  And they were looking for gifted kids.

I felt very empowered ... for the first time ... having a diagnosis from some of the most prestigious doctors in the ADHD field.

We were lucky in that we had some medical benefits but all the ADHD specialists in my area had 6+ month waiting lists and we could get into the FREE hospital program in 4 weeks.

I am telling you this because maybe you can call the hospitals or psychoatric centers in your area and plead your case.  Tell them you FAMILY IS IN CRISIS and you NEED IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE for free.

Also check with your town or local government to see if anything is available.

Don't be afraid to cry on the phone.  I actually felt people went the extra mile to HELP ME.

GOOD LUCK.  DO NOT GIVE UP!!!

At least I felt I was moving in the right direction just by making phone calls.  Some action is better than none.

 

A big thank you to all who have replied..........

i do lock things away, and hide them, put them out of reach ect, lewis is not stupid, he will climb, search, find the keys and unlock cupboards. we dont have anything in the bathrm at all now except when visitors come otherwise i think they would think we were weird.

we dont have any ornaments anymore, and even the xmas tree was only out for 5 days.

fortunately healthcare is free in uk, but we are seriously considering going private to get the ball moving quicker.

iv heard that eyeq and fish oils may make lewis calmer.any thoughts?

lewis has an amazing diet, he asked for carrots and brocculli everytime we go to shops, or when i ask him what he would like for tea etc. he has no extra sugars in any way.

we already write everything down for the dr, and i cant see a pattern, i only know that lewis cannot be left for a second because mayhem will occur.

thanks again for advice

 

I just want you to know that you aren't alone.  My 5yr old dd (almost 6) has been extremely destructive in the past.  She also climbs at dangerously high as you described your son doing.  I still cannot let my daughter alone for fear she will get into something or ruin something.  It's exhausting.

 

its a relief to find a forum to ask for help.

as i havent got a clue what to do anymore. my son is 4yrs, toally distructive at school and at home, in fact anywhere else we may be. the dr and health visitor have suggested he is at a high risk of ADHD, and that he has over 6 symptoms in both types to make it combined.

 we are waiting for school to get people in to observe him. but we are tired both mentually and physically as parents we are at a loss. we just dont know how to cope. when we told family members they scoffed and said he just needed discipline, which makes us feel worse, that maybe were crap parents

deep down i know there must be something wrong somewhere, as its been getting progressively worse for over a year.

my partner, my sons dad, is at breaking point, he says hes sorry for being selfish, but wants to leave because of it. that he loves me with all his heart and our son but he cant cope with his behaviour anymore, he says he dreads having to look after him, when im at work, and dreads coming home from work to see what hes done now.

im at the stage where i dont know what to do, our whole world is falling apart with these behavioural problems and we have got no one to talk to at all.

lewis destructive behaviour consists of.............

smashing toys, pulling toys apart, throwing them, drawing on walls, smashing pictures off the wall, breaking glass, ripping wallpaper off walls, ripping up a whole toilet roll and blocking the sink with it, pouring shampoo and bath products everywhere, blockimg toilet, opening bleach, and other cleaning products, he climbs very dangerously high up, for e.g- to get something frm top of kitchen cupboard!, he poured shampoo into my cd player, broken ornaments, snapped cds, dvds, rips books.

 yes i tried to speak to my health visitor yest about the break up talk on monday night, but even though she said call her anytime, it turns out she only works 2 flamming days a week!!!!!!

I don't know what your school does for an evaluation but here in the US I think this sort of issue would be better diagnosed through the health care system.  Could there be an Aspergers component for example?  I would want an outside evaluation along with the school helping to look for learning issues.  

You also need to find a way to keep all cleaning products away from him.  They might need to be under lock and key!  It also doesn't seem like he should be left alone for even a minute.  I'd lock doors to keep him out of certain rooms.  I'd lock some things in the trunk of my car if I had no other safe place.  I wouldn't have breakable ornaments.  Put the crayons away so that he can only use them supervised.  Take breakables off the walls.  You are going to have to adapt to him for now.   

Hi lightning, welcome.

First thing I want to say, we've ALL (for the most part) been where you are right now. It's NOT fun.  Second thing I want to say, IT GETS BETTER. You're on the road anwyay. 4 is young. and 4 is really, really hard. For my daughter (no diagnosis) she turns 6 today and she is not even the same child she was at 4. Maturity does WONDERS.

A few things you can do right away. Educate yourself and your partner. Knowledge is power. Learn discipline tools for these kids (whether he gets diagnosis or not it'll help). Read ograms marble system for discipline on this board and implement it, or something like it, ASAP. Read the book Magic 1-2-3.

My biggest piece of advice is STOP battling. You cannot win a power struggle with these kids. You just cant. They LOVE conflict. Find a place he can go (safely) and be alone. Whenever he cant behave apporiately he goes there until he can. Lay down the rules and stick to them. Example, say he refuses to pick up his trucks off the floor and starts yelling and telling you NO. First instinct is to get into a power struggle battle and MAKE him do it. Dont do that. Say ok then go to your room (or wherever he can't ruin something). The first few times you'll probably have to physically put him there. Tell him he cannot come out until he is calm, THEN WALK AWAY. Do not let him out of there until he calms down. Even if you have to stand outside the door until it happens (took me 2 hours the first time). THEN and only once he is calm you bring him out and say ok ready to pick up the trucks? If he flips out again say, sorry you decided not to join us still, back to your room.  If you send him to be alone until he calms down and do not engage him when he is flipping out, he'll learn it's not worth it as much if he cant get you going.

Good luck, I'm sorry you're in this place right now, it is horrible, but you'll learn and he'll mature and things will improve. You guys need breaks too, get out, hire a babysitter and get out (if this is possible). He's your son and he needs you. He doesnt know how to behave and he's loving all this conflict, it'll get easier if you take that piece out.

Diane V39505.1894560185

If you can afford to get the evaluation on the outside you could go ahead and do that.  You might want to talk to the doctor again regarding options since your family may break up because of your son's behavior.  I agree with Diane V to use a possitive rewards system and timeouts.  I think that I had to hold my 4 year old kids on my lap for their timeouts but I had them facing away from me and I didn't talk to them.  I use the standard, 1 minute per year of age.  I've never read the Magic 1-2-3 book but I have seen it recommended over and over.  I often will say something like "go upstairs and get ready for bed" and if they don't go right away, I start to count to three.  If they don't go, they are in time out but the counting really works for some reason.  They try to beat the counting. 

We've never had to deal with destructive behavior but boys do like to take things apart.  Maybe you can describe the destructive behavior and someone else can comment on that. 

You will be glad once testing is done then things will have a name then it is the what to do about it faze.  Ask the professionals for advice that is what they are there for.

I know someone else said this too, but 4 is hard and it does get better.  123 Magic is a great place to start- I've been using it since my son was 3 and when it's used consistently it works wonders.  Just remember, whenever you change something discipline- wise it always gets worse before it gets better.

Another thing to do is to journal his behavior in detail periodically throughout the day, both when he's being good and when he's not.  Jot down what he does all day long for a couple days (in less detail) to get an overall perspective.  Then when you see the doctor next you can show it to him/her- it really helps to be able to say, look, this is what a typical day is like in our house.  It can also help to just write down on a peice of paper 2 good things about your child every day- it sounds corny, but it really does help to keep reminding yourself of the good qualities.

I can tell you right now that you are not a bad parent.  A bad parent wouldn't bother to get their child help, or to get on the computer to look for support/help.  I too, have family that just doesn't understand and it is a horrible feeling when you turn to your family for support and all they offer is critizism.  Blaming mothers for their child's problems when out of vogue decades ago in psychiatry- when is the rest of the world going to catch up?

Yes, we have all been there and can swap the horror stories. Teachers, family, and even our significant other can make us feel like we are horrible at parenting and it is our fault. This is so destructive! Don't even try to convince others that this is not the case.

First things first: as long as your son is 'safe' ie. he cannot hurt himself badly; for now you need to concentrate on your partner. He is also probably having issues about not being a good parent. Perhaps, while your son is in school you two can go out and discuss what you need to do to see that your son gets help. What we did, was contact our teaching hospital and persisted until we got someone out to the school to observe him.

Talk to your pediatrician: he can make recommendations and perhaps give you a prescription for something to calm your son when he goes on a rampage. Our son, when he was 4, besides running on tabletops, throwing things, writing on floors and walls, taking scissors and cutting everything in sight; used to unscrew all the light bulbs he could reach and drop them on the tile to hear them explode. To this day I know that fluorescent bulbs make a louder 'pop' than incandescent bulbs! He would also unscrew anything that could (and couldn't) unscrew including sockets.

Keep a journal of what he is eating: try to cut out all his sugars and sugar substitutes; sweeten with stevia or honey. Don't give him food with artificial food colorings or preservatives. Try to use organic dairy products including milk and eggs with no hormones or antibiotics.

Don't give up- you have a lot of rescourses on this forum and we are all here for you.

Wow. I feel like I have been though some of the things that you have described. My family kept telling me that all my son needs is a good spanking (i dont agree with spanking, my family is "old school"). I was even depressed. I thought that I was a horrible mother. Because I would babysit my nieces and nephews and I would see how different their behaiviors are compared to my son's.

I guess the UK is different. I voiced my concerns and my sons teachers concerns to my pediatrician and he referred me to a psychologist who diagnosed him after a series of tests, and questioneer forms. I dont want to say that my son is a different person on medicine becasue he is not. He is still the loving, silly, funny, caring, person that he always has been. Its just a less impulsive, calmer, more attentive version of him.

YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!!  Please tell your spouse not to give up.  Things will get better.