My dh is pretty much like this, too, excpet he has seen how much meds helped our ds. Other than that, he is likely to blame me for being too soft or blame ds for "not behaving" in school, even when they tell him it's not really beahvior, its more of a tuning out not working sort of issue.
maybe your dh had bad experiences in school himself. I know mine did! He hates to be around school personnel.
I truly am touched that so many of you have responded to me. I have tried message board support before and never received any replies. It really made me feel by myself. I wonder how many of who could relate have been able to maintain your marriages? And do you just not speak about it and accept the difference of opinion? I am still not comfortable with the idea of meds but would like to explore options to help her sensory issues. From the extensive reading I have done this sometimes does lessen the behaviors, also has any tried the homeopathic stuff called "Focus"?My husband gets tired of my "thinking outloud" too. Sometimes I just need to talk about it and my husband says I go on and on..... He too was a disbeliever. He kept thinking if I was a better disiplinarian that ds would eventually "get it". He was seeing the same behavior I was and agreed at times that it just wasn't "normal". But to ask for help (to my husband) would be admitting that ds had a flaw. He did read printouts from the computer and listen to info I read from books, but he never tried to research anything on his own. I have always felt that finding out what was going on w/ ds was all up to me......
When we finally agreed to go for a diagnosis he would not go w/ me. Maybe he felt unable to cope, I don't know.
When I came home w / a diagnosis of adhd and a prescription he was in shock. He even got angry at me... he said it was as if I was happy that something was wrong w/ our son. Well, after 5 yrs I was happy - not that something was wrong w/ ds, only that we finally had an answer and a way to help ds.
I told dh that I would not give meds unless we were in agreement together to try it. I did not want him to later come back at me that I had done this without his agreement too.
He did agree and now says that it is the best thing we have ever done for ds and the whole family. He even sat down one evening and gave me a lengthy apology for not having faith in my judgement and being of more help.
Now he is more helpful, but I know he feels unsure of his judgement and relies on me to keep track of the school meetings and doctors visits. Things are getting better.....
I still give him little bits of info at a time about adhd in general and am trying to help him understand what it is.
My DH had a really hard time intially and we had quite a few rocky moments early on. Medication really helped my child for years so it was easy for DH to just ignore it. Recently we have been having issues at the school and while DH still doesn't really get it, he has been very supportive and helpful during this time (I can't tell you how thankful I am for his help). Ultimately though I am still the one doing all the reading, research, worrying, etc. It is exhausting trying to do it all alone.
Good luck to you. I have found this board so helpful when I just needed to vent or bounce ideas off of others (my DH can't stand to listen to me go on and on when I need to "think" out loud.).
Thank you all for the replies it does feel good to know I am not the only one who has encountered this. As far as the suggestion from Okiemom marital counseling is completely out of the questions. He says under no circumstances would he ever for any reason go. When I first was feeling extreme frustrations about some of my girls behaviors when she was about 4 I went to family counseling with her and pretty much just informed him she and I were going because it was something I had to do for me. I also invited him to come several times and he always said no.My husband initially did not accept the diagnosis but came to see the truth and eventually, is even okay with medications. My son is not on them currently.
I think you should not bring your husband because he already has convinced himself to be oppositional.
Go to the meeting yourself. From past experiences, I have learned you don't really need both parents at every meeting.
Then, I'd try to talk with your husband and see if maybe he would meet with someone to help him accept the diagnosis. When my husband and I met with the psychologist who came up with the diagnosis alone a few sessions, my husband came to realize that it wasn't a parent thing.
I had accepted the diagnois long before my husband. I would buy books and read passages from them that sounded like my son. This caught his attention and the more symptoms that I read that were the same as my son, the more he began to accept the diagnosis.
My husband was like that too. I had a feeling that my son's problems were something that he can't control..and I knew that it wasnt a parenting issue....I decided to do what I had to do for my son whether my husband agreed or not. The first step was to fill out a quetioneer form. One for me, one for the teacher, and one for my husband. My hubby was very honest in his assesment that my son was fine. Long story short, my husband is eating his words now, and he has apologized for doubting me, and our son.
My advice to you...let him go. Let him give his opinions as long as you give yours as well. The thing is that he has to be open minded and give the doctors/schools a chance. My son phsycologist said that it is very common that parents have different opinions. SHe said that sometimes it stems from one parent being the primary disciplinary, and knows more of what the childs behavioral patterns are. He will see the difference once your daughter starts treatment. You have to do whats right for your daughter.
It seems like, under the circumstances, it might be better for him not to attend the meeting.