Well, I have grown up in a very similar situation. My biological father left when I was very young. I have always called my step father my father. He too is very critical, opinionated, says mean things etc. My mother lives in denial. IE: does not acknowledge she was married before, that my siblings and I have dif fathers, etc. Thinks we grew up like Ozzie & Harriet. It was very hard when I was in grade school to have another child come up to me and inform me she was my step sister and that I was also in school w/my cousins. I think we all know how cruel kids and even adults can be when it comes to situations like this. Because my mother had never spoken about this, I had no one to discuss this with and I was definately was fearfull of asking her any question.
Once I had my own family I have made it clear I will not put up with me being spoken to inappropriately or my children. Actions speak louder than words and I have actually just gotten up and left when my father becomes abusive. (I made it clear why I left. This was effective, my sis asked why he doesn't talk to me like he does her, and I explained, but she's never stood up to him.) My mother is a much better grandmother than mother, I do want my children to know her, but I also do not want them to be accepting of abusive behavior. As you already know self esteem is a fragile thing.
As far as telling your children. From personal experience I know what its like to be a child and have some large bombshell like this dropped on you, particularly by some stranger and believe me it is better coming from a parent. Kids are far more intuitive than you think. They go to school w/kids who are their biological cousins. I have been brutially honest, and they know they can come to me with any questions, even "Why doesn't Granny want to talk about this?" My oldest dtr just happened to become best friends w/a girl who is her cousin in 1st grade. I had to tell her then as I did not want her finding out from someone else, and the other children have just always been included in converations.
I know that my honesty with my children is directly due to my own parents lack of honesty w/me. Looking back, I do think my mother was probably doing what she thought was right, but it took me a long time to trust her and believe me she has even said she doesn't think its right that I am so 'straightforward' with my children. So far I haven't had any negative outcomes. And yes I have told my children about their ADHD from day one. My daughter was diagnosised at 6. It is part of who she is and she is wonderful the way she is.
The decision is yours, but coming from someone who has been there. I'd have much rather had my mother tell me. In my opinion secrets just create trouble.
Personally, I don't think that it is any big deal that your "Dad" is not your "Bio-Dad" and I'm not sure that your kids will think that it is so strange. As far as I am concerned "Dad" is a term for the man that raised you, stuck by you, supported you. Your "Dad" has issues that have nothing to do with you and your kids can probably understand that also. I would explain to the kids that he has a mental health issue that he has never come to understand and he can't totally help his behavior. Maybe he was abused as a child and is warped because of it. Who knows. You can still love him but not see him all the time because he is not good for you or your family. He needs 'professional help from a doctor" is how I would explain it to the kids. This is the way my father-in-law is and my husband sees him 1-2 times per year for a few hours. Dh can tolerate him for that amount of time but fil can't control him.
I was wondering what the attraction if for you to this man. Does he bribe you with gifts or money to keep you coming back for more. When I was first married, dh's father did this. It was pathetic. He'd come by with a new grill for our first house or he'd offer to pay for some of dh's courses. Dh needed the money and would accept but then he would have to "pay" with having to put up with long lectures about what he was doing wrong in his life and some nasty bigoted or political lectures. Dh couldn't disagree because "Dad" doesn't allow anyone to have a different opinion. Dad always had a habit of just showing up at our house sometimes and staying even when we told him directly that we had plans. It was a control thing. What dh finally decided was to never accept anything from dad because the price to his mental health was just too great.
As far as your "half-sister" goes, I would meet her and see if your values match yours before having your kids meet them. You will probably find that she is a normal person and she has normal kids. But what if you find out that she is a drinker or that her kids are not nice? Then, you might want to think about limiting contact. If she has a fantastic family then you might have just found more people to love you and your kids. I don't feel any obligation to people that I am related to by blood or otherwise. If they are decent people then they are in my life. If they are criminal or otherwise objectionable, I don't encourage more contact than is necessary.
Like D&E, I'm not too big on secrets. For example, my kids have always known where babies come from. I held back on what exactly intercourse was but they new about eggs and sperm. When the "talk" came around it was much less traumatic than I have seen with friends of mine.
Obviously there are some things that I would never tell my child. If she was the product of a rape or that her bio-dad was a murderer. I don't think that kids care about bio and non-bio as adults do so I never would have held back that your dad is not your bio-dad. It's really not a biggie in my opinion. &nbs p; ;
mamark39514.3226967593When reading your post it sounds like you spent most of your life trying to please this man to get the love you crave from him. It also appears it is not going to happen. Have you ever considered counseling for yourself to get these feelings out and to help direct you? Your children come first and they are correct no one should treat you the way he does he does not sound like a person I want my kids by. I wish you the best and sorry for my over analyzing I am a Social Worker by trade. Wow, how exciting that you'll meet your sis. I'd see what kind of a relationship you and she are going to have before you say anything to your kids. I wouldn't tell them until they are adults. For now, I would just tell them that he has hard time accepting people as they are, and I would not bring them around. He would have to make contact and agree to certain things for any type of relationship to continue.I'd sort it all out yourself first. Once you feel they are old enough (I really mean mature enough) to know the truth, then yes I would tell them.I don't think telling them the bio-situation is the most important issue here. Your relationship with the man that bullied you for so many years is strange. I'm not sure why you feel the need to see him every 2 weeks. I'd concentrate on my husband and kids and any other relationships that are going well. You might even seek a psychologist to help you sort this out. It seems like you are still very much controlled by this person and you are an adult. Wow - that is huge! Sammi, I'm so happy for you - really how wonderful toOk here goes, am already dealing with problems with DS at school (previous post)
My new one is my dad, we only see him every other sunday. I go alone with the three children as he fell out with DH 9 years ago (another story)
My dad has told the children and I that the children are not welcome at his house until their behaviour improves at school, he has told me that he has very high standards and no one is welcome in his home unless they meet these standards. He has said that they do not repesct other people and are not disciplined, They have not been round there for three weekends!
My dad has bullied and belittled me since a child and he scares the hell out of me, I have stopped speaking to him twice before and this has lasted a year or so, but, I always go crawling back to him for it all to start again!!
My DD who is 11 is not really fussed because she hates the way he talks to me and to her and her two brothers anyway and told me last night that if he cannot accept them and their problems then he can get lost, (good for her I say!)
ok this is the crux of it, he is not my real dad, my biological father left my mum and I when I was 2, I'm 34 now. She met my now dad when I was nearly 3 and he moved in, I started calling him dad at about 4 and they went on to have my brother and sister when I was 5 and 8. My mum and him split up when I was 8, he bullied her, hit her etc and we all carried on seeing him every sunday, he was always a good provider, but no affection and very strict. My real dad went on to marry again and have a boy and girl who are also my brother and sister (whom i have never met).
My dad favours my sister and her two children, rings her all the time, goes to her house (never been to mine!) takes her out to dinner etc.
Sorry I will get to the point, I have found my other sister on FACEBOOK and contacted her yesterday, swapped numbers and spent all evening on the phone to her last night, she has wanted to contact me for all these years but was too scared I wouldn't want to know. It was the best feeling in the world speaking to her and we are going to meet up!!
The question I am asking is do I tell the children that in fact their grandad isn't biologically theirs and that I have a whole different family for them to meet or do I let them stay as they are, completely unaware????
sammi3339513.0024305556
I agree with the other readers, you need to find out what the connection between you and your dad are first, before you do anything else. And I would also suggest limiting the amount of time you spend with this man and limit the exposure your kids have to him as well.
Your kids don't need to be made to feel as if they are not good enough. This will just destroy their sense of self-worth.
As for your sister, meet her first and then if you feel that it's a relationship you would like to continue you can then allow your kids to meet her and explain the whole complex story to them.
I wish you all the luck. Let us know how it all turns out.