ADHD discipline (long post) | ADHD Information
I am looking for some help with disciplining my son w/adhd and my daughter without. It seems like it should be an easy thing to deal with my daughter but let me give you some family history
First off I was a single mother untill about 1 1/2 ago. For about 4 years total. My son was 3 when his dad left and my daughter was 18 months. I was very uprepared to parent alone. I was only 21 at the time. I had spent most of my life dealing with adhd issues and anixety my self. Always being told that I wasnt good enough, wasnt trying hard enough and stuff like that. I didnt want my kids to feel that way so I did everything for them. I didnt punish them for much of anything. I spent alot of time sleeping probably my depression. I started the kids in daycare about 6 months after the split. I had to go to work. Lilly was great no problems she was the best behaved kid the school said. My son on the other hand. was over active and fidgety. I passed it off to his age (3). Things proggressily got worese for all of us. I started having panic attacks Gavin's behavior got worse and poor little Lil got pushed to the side. Well I started taking Lexapro for the anxiety and depression, panic attacks stopped and I began to realise what a mess I was in. Gavin had started K at this time school was horrible. He was peeing his pants, generally acting in a way typicall adhad kids act. I made appt with his Dr and got the diagnosis of adhd with aspergers tendencies. I didnt start meds yet. I didnt want to. Skip ahead a few months, I lost my house I had fought so hard to keep, moved in with my brother, quit my full time job. I really wanted to focus on my son and my previeous job didnt allow me to have time off for his appts or his bad days. Around this time I started Gavin on meds and I met the man that would later become my husband. I started disciplining more. But the foucus was still primarly on Gavin my daughter was 5 at this time. I did what I could to prevent out burts and melt downs. About a year later my husband to be and I moved in together.
That was a dose of reality for me. I has spent all my time for the last 4 years walking on eggshells around my son. And pretty much ignoreing my daughters behavior good or bad. I'd praisie her for the good and punish her for the bad but it was more to prove a point to my son and the punishments for my daughter were weak and rarly followed through. Any way moving in with him sent a shockwave through my little system Lilly wasnt as well behved as I thought. She was bossy, snobby and could be very bratty. I guess that was from years of getting her way. Gavin was for the most part better behaved as long as he was medicated.
As our marrage comes to the end of its first year. My son and daughter are 9 and 7. I have started to see much improvements in their behvior thanks to the wonderfull man I married. But I seem to be still falling behind on my discapline. He has become the primary discipliner and I just support his desicions. I guess what I am getting to is I need advice to help change my ways. I am way to soft on my kids beacause I dont want to make my kids feel the way my mom made me feel, but I know being so soft isnt doing justice either and I have to stop using ADHD for an excuse for my sons behavior. ANy advice will be helpfull. Sorry this is so long. I wanted to make sure you had enough info. oh and I just stared meds for my adhd. Hopefully that will also make great improvments in me.
Thanks again
gzsmom39515.6811458333You can also ask their psychologist for advice as well. The book I found most helpful is "Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries" Robert J. MackKenzie, ED.D.As far as the 1 2 3 Magic I did not find that helpful at all I only have the book but that is just one opinion. To me the concept is something people have been using for years. What I do is go to bookstores or Library and look for self help books on the subject. Good luck.
I recently went to a Smart Discipline seminar for parents and educators. You can google their site. They claim that their program is easy and works well with ad/hd kids. They too have materials you can check into.
Thanks all I just ordered the 123 magic dvds cant wait to watch them
track. All kids need (and want) boundaries. ADHD kids need quick, sure
consequences and lots of consistency. They like praise, too, of course,
but it needs to be concrete and swift.
I have two girls; one with ADHD and one without. I know how demanding
an ADHD child is and how easy it is to let the "easy" one slide. I found
the book 1-2-3 Magic to be very helpful. It is also on CD (or DVD, I
forget which). Others here have used the marble system with success. It
is not too late to get a handle on your child's behavior. You will be doing
your kids and your entire family a big favor. Kids feel loved when they
know their parents care enough to teach them about consequences.
Good luck. Let us know how things go. I find this board to be extremely
helpful. I've been lurking on this board for the past month since my 9 yr old was
diagnosed with ADHD and depression. After reading gszmom's post I
just had to take a leap and post to say you're not alone.
My story is very similar to yours. I was divorced four years ago. My son
is now 9 and my daughter is 7. I was a single mom for the past four
years just barely scrapping by. Thank God for my supportive parents
even though they were four hours away because times got really tough. I
understand your discipline situation. When I'd get home after working all
day most days it would be so hard to get everything done in the few
hours before their bedtime that I started picking my battles with my son.
That meant some things slid by because I was too darn exhausted to deal
with everything he was throwing at me. Also, back then his attitude
wasn't as bad as it is now but he learned if he hammered mom enough
she'd just let it go. I regret it now because his attitude is much worse.
That's also because I don't let anything slide by now and he realizes that
which makes him very mad. I just let him get mad. I dish out the
consequence and then walk off. No going back and forth explaining
things to him which I was bad for. BTW, my therapist told me I had to get
tougher cause I was "too nice." I use a sterner voice now. He gets one
warning and that's it. The therapist did say it would get worse before it
got better but I have to stay consistent and that is the key. Consistency.
My son is also very aware if I'm unfair with dishing out punishment with
regards to his sister. That makes him angrier if he thinks she gets off so I
have to make myself aware of that too.
Also, my ex lives far away so not much help from him. My son has been
in therapy before but recently he started seeing a behavioral therapist
who is awesome. We moved last year for my remarriage and I have to say
I love the docs and therapist I've been involved with here. I really think
this guy is going to make things turn around. My son just started his
Adderall XR two weeks ago and after today's doctor appt. will start an
anti-depressant. Is your son in therapy? My son was in therapy two
years ago but that therapist went about things definitely. This recent
therapist is great. We see him once a week PLUS he checks in by phone
with me twice a week. I'm just really encouraged which I haven't felt in a
loooooooong time. Now, if we could just do something about my son's
anger and potty mouth that would be wonderful! :)
gszmom, I don't mean to go on and on about me. I just wanted you to
know we have very similar stories. I was also prescribed Lexapro, three
months ago, so I could keep my sanity and hopefully grow fewer gray
hairs. I'm also in a new relationship with a wonderful man but my son
has absolutely pushed him out of his life. They so don't get along and
that is another concern for me. My daughter OTOH is a charming girl and
she has a great relationship with my SO.
Also, I started therapy six weeks ago. Believe me, it helps A LOT! That is
where I go to vent and learn better parenting skills. I thought reading all
those parenting would have helped but I guess not. With my son we had
3 issues to address and right now we're taking one at a time. Safety was
first and was conquered. Yeah! Now we're moving onto his bad language
and anger. Timeouts/Calm down time do not work always work so well
with my son, especially when he is being oppositional, so I'm learning
other ways to deal with these behaviors.
Hang in there because you're not alone. Feel free to PM me for support or
to vent.
PS. Sorry for the long post. I haven't had any caffeine yet! :)
MelMelG39517.5012615741