LET’S EMPOWER OURSELVES! | ADHD Information

Hi all you great moms and dads of ADHD children + other diagnoses! This is Randy and I am taking charge of my massively ADHD and DEFIANT son. I will take you all along for the ride and hope you empower yourself as I decided to do instead of feeling HELPLESS and OVERWHELMED!

I am sure your methods will be different in many ways from mine and that is GOOD! Add to this thread with things that worked (we are NOT concentrating on what DOESN'T work in this thread.

FIRST: it is our RIGHT to be treated with RESPECT and DIGNITY by schools, teachers, doctors, psychologists. It is our RESPONSIBILITY to learn as much as we can about our children's diagnoses, about their medications and what is happening in their schools and with their teachers!

On that note, I am going to post my FIRST success with Jon, an 8 y/o who is severely ADHD, and ODD.

This morning I told (not asked, did not say please) my 6 and 9 year old to empty the dishwasher and that this is their responsibility from now on. (Whew, one less job for me!!!) They did a great job together and I thanked them.

Next I asked Jon (8 y/o ADHD + ODD) to bring the garbage cans to the side of the house and put his skates that he left outside back in the garage. TANTRUMS!!!! I took him by the arm, led him to the bathroom and told him "Take 5". He screamed, "What? the bathroom? it smells." I replied, "TIME OUTS ARE NOW IN THE BATHROOM AND IF YOU COME OUT I RESET THE TIMER FOR 5 MORE MINUTES." I didn't raise my voice, just sounded firm. I put the timer on and when it beeped, went to the bathroom, told Jon, "Put the garbage cans on the side of the house and put your skates away. The garbage cans are your job from now on."

Jon screamed, "Are you crazy? I'm tired." I replied, "Take 5." We repeated this scenario three more times and each time Jon tried to argue and get me to talk to him about why he had to do this. I did not!!!

GUESS WHAT? After the fifth or sixth time, he went out of the house (complaining like mad all the way and calling me 'mean') and came back several minutes later. I asked if the garbage cans were on the side of the house and the skates were put away and he said yes. I said 'Thank you.' Jon then decided to clean his room and vacuum the living room on his own!!!

Meanwhile: the 6 and 9 y/o got into it with each saying the other hit them blah blah blah. Well, the bathroom had Jon in it so I said, "Take 3 in your rooms". My daugter (6) argued so I said, 'Take 5'. In she went and it is SILENT for the first time in years!!

By the way, Jon's medication is not adjusted yet. We just started Strattera last night after 4 1/2 years of maximum stimulant meds and 5 weeks of no meds.

RANDYJIM, this is a great thread ! I've empowered myself in may ways over the past year or so. My biggest was hiring an educational advocate to take some of the burden off my shoulders. For MYSELF, I am trying to accept the things I cannot change and work on being ok with the decisions I do make and less second guessing. BUT I am allowed to whine and say poor me when I feel like too! Because life raising a child with these issues IS harder than others.......

For the kids. No more negotiating or discussing. There are things you gotta do and it's not debatable. I do exactly what you do above. This needs to be done end of story. If you flip out, you go be alone until you're done. THEN you'll do what was asked, but you're going to do it. They learn to just do it .

I think the most empowering thing I've done over the years is to educate myself. I spend several hours a week reading or researching things related to adhd- I find it helps to keep me focused on helping my son effectively and to keep my attitudes and decisions in line with the goals we have for him. My family and friends often call me up when they have a question about adhd, or even just behavior/development in general. Every few months my dad will call me and say "You know, I was thinking about your brother and how he used to do such and such. Do you think that was because of his adhd?"

I have waited for years for my 12yr old (suspect adhd) to read on his own.

A couple of weeks ago I started a new rule. You must read one chapter before any computer , tv or phone. OMG - the fussing!!!! But my husband backed me up and that has been the new rule. Over the last couple of weeks the fussing has minimized but I still have to remind him to read that chapter before any electronics......

Great idea for a topic!!!!

good for you. I personally hate mornings.

This evening we held a family meeting over dinner. I made a 'comfort' dinner of baked chicken, mashed potatoes etc. I told the children the new rules of the house: no hitting or calling names to each other, no tantrums or saying 'no' to mom or dad, do their assigned jobs, no interupting when mom/dad were talking or on the phone. We also told them if they had a day with no time outs then they would earn a dollar for that day. Plus- if they had no homework misses or merit losses for the week they would receive another dollar. So they could 'earn' /week. Also, if they wanted to buy a toy or anything else they would have to earn the money for it. I also told them that they could earn money around the neighborhood in the summer by picking weeds, sweeping garages and walking dogs etc.

They listened and Jon kept trying to argue with everything and I told him I wasn't going to get into it with him anymore. Then I told Jon he had to work extra hard because he had an extra big brain. Oh, how they laughed at that one.

We had a pretty good day as things went. I do not see a change yet with the Strattera but it is only the second day.

Way to go Randy!!!! I am glad to see you are implementing another method and it is working. I am really happy for you. Sometimes you just HAVE to put your foot down and don't let them make the decisions for you. My son use to do that to me as well so I know how it is. Sometimes his mouth STILL overrides his butt but I have learned I have to pick my battles with him and it makes things easier for everyone involved.

I really hope things continue to improve with Jon.

Have a good evening

Tracie

I hate to be a buzz-kill, but the more I use these types of pressures, the more my son is destructive. I tried this to get him to pull up some weeds (we're talking about the easy kind) and he used the weed tool to stab holes in the water sprinkler line. If I push him, he kicks walls (I have 2 holes now to patch) and doors, etc. He throws things and I don't know how to combat that head on - a little too physical for me. If I force him to do something, he manages to make it a problem or destroy things. I haven't found a solution for the child who is willing to go all the way with destroying things when you push him.

I think my daughter, but maybe other ADHD kids, really feel better with
boundaries and clear roles. She likes having thins be firm - even if the
louder part of her is busy pushing to see where the rules give, I really do
believe that's because the strength of the rules is what gives her comfort.
If that makes sense.

It's like if you're building a house and you're nervous about earthquakes
and you try everything you think to make sure the house won't fall down
before you put all your trust in it. It looks like you *want* the house to
cave in while you're shaking it and pushing here and there - but really
you are terrified of that very thing and you're testing it.

So to me it's crucial that she knows our structure is strong - she's safe
and her role is important but the weight of the world isn't on her
shoulders. I suspect she does this even more at school because she
trusts that structure less and each teacher has their own rules and
flexibilities - and plus the testing just looks (and feels) like
troublemaking, especially when there are 16 other kids, there's just no
room for her to be pushing every which way. She has to learn to trust.

I think the more consistency they experience at home, the more they
know that actions aren't people, that love can be a large part of
discipline, and that sometimes we can't test out every weakness is ever
structure but at some point we have to just trust, I think they can really
learn to make their way more surely in the world.

But key to this is being people they can place their nervous trust in and
ensuring that their teachers also deserve their trust. That is part of what
we have to advocate for, tirelessly. Because a bad teacher can really
damage this process.

Today we went to an Easter Party. This is the first time I felt confident enough to let Jon be taken to the party by a friend since I forgot something at our house and had to go back.

Wow- did they eat candy! I was so concerned about Jon and he did start acting up at home this evening. He spent a lot of time Taking 5 but after that he settled down. Went to bed without too much of a fuss and wanted to be tucked in tight under his weighted blanket.

As I am taking more control over his actions, he seems to be acting better. He still tests quite a lot but we haven't backed down. I expect he will always be testing us.

I just wanted to ask a question...I'd like to see the list of consequences (MOM2ADHD Boy) for whatever problem was initiated. I'd love to go over that and see what could help at our house. My husband and I are different, both looking out for the best interest, but not consistent. I'd really love to see a list like that and then you could copy it for your husband! If it's not something you're willing to share, I get that. I just thought I'd try!

This is a really wonderful thread.

I will say this, too, I've made charts for our morning routines. For instance, when his alarm goes off in the morning, I have to go in there and pry him out of bed. Then I set a timer. He gets up and looks at his chart with clip art! Number one says "Make Bed" and has a clip art picture (Microsoft word) of a cartoon boy making his bed. Number two says "Get Dressed" (I lay out his clothes at night) and it has a clip art as well...so on until the last says "Eat Breakfast" clip art inserted. Once he gets to the kitchen, I set the timer on 15 minutes. Once done, he goes to his chart on the fridge and it says "Put dishes in dish washer..." Then number two says "Brush Your Teeth", then he goes to the bathroom and there's his list...so on until he gets done with that, he has FREE TIME to sit and watch t.v. or whatever until the bus comes. It works for us, MOST mornings. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

ilovemyboys39524.4927546296

Don't we always ask ourselves if this day was better or worse than yesterday or even 'it can't get worse'.

Jon got two homework misses today. He keeps forgetting his assignments and books and the teacher has not checked his assignment planner and backpack for the information as I have asked her time and time again. ONLY ( MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL!!) I am happier than the children that school's almost over.

Jon and his 9 y/o brother got into a permanent marker fight last night. Jon has black marker all over his face, neck, arms and all over his clothes. Patrick only has some on his carpet.

Jon deliberately disobeyed me today. He took a soccer ball to school and when I picked him up I told him not to throw it over the creek. So he kicked it and it landed deep in the weeds. i wouldn't let him get it and told me he owes me for it PLUS he was in time out for 10 minutes when we got home PLUS he wasn't allowed to use the gameboy in the car today. He took it pretty calmly. He is not running around maniacally anymore but he is still testing the boundaries.

My other 2 children get treated exactly the same- time outs, gameboy losses etc.

The Strattera does not seem to be doing that much but it is only day 4.

I know it's really not funny, but the creek incident made me chuckle. My daughter would have done exactly the same thing if I had told her not to throw the ball and her response would have been, "well I didn't throw it...." I've learned to be VERY specific with her. Additionally, she would have ended up in the creek, covered in mud and soaking wet...

[QUOTE=leftymom]I hate to be a buzz-kill, but the more I use these types of pressures, the more my son is destructive. I tried this to get him to pull up some weeds (we're talking about the easy kind) and he used the weed tool to stab holes in the water sprinkler line. If I push him, he kicks walls (I have 2 holes now to patch) and doors, etc. He throws things and I don't know how to combat that head on - a little too physical for me. If I force him to do something, he manages to make it a problem or destroy things. I haven't found a solution for the child who is willing to go all the way with destroying things when you push him.One thing I would like to suggest here is if he is destroying things that DO NOT belong to him then when he does those things then you take someing of his that he really likes and destroy it. I know it may sound a bit harsh but somtimes harshness it what it takes to get through to them.

[/QUOTE] Wow lefty, I really don't know what to suggest for you. My usual first reaction to seeing/hearing things like thing is that the child needs a good old fashioned a$$ whoopin BUT I am learning the more I read that these children here are not necessarily in need of their butt being tore up. Although my personal opinion is that they do need it in SOME instances. I know mine does. Please don't think I am suggesting that for YOU. I can not suggest that for anyone. That is just what I still have to do occasionally.

How old is he? Has he always been this way? I know my nephew(the un-dx one) always had destrustive tendencies when he was younger and my sister allowed him to be destructive in a positive way. She would give him things and let him take them apart or break them. Sometimes kids use that as an outlet especially if they have emotional problems(which he did, he HATED his step-mom) You just need to try to set boundries for him and let him know that there are consequenses for his behavior. All children will test your limits and if you have no solid boundries then they will do what they want because they can. Like I said in my earlier post, you DO have to pick your battles. He needs to know that there are things you absolutely WILL NOT tolerate and if he crosses the line there will be consequenses. Start out small though. These children sometimes have a hard time adjusting to change.

I don't know if this will help or not but maybe it will. Good luck and I hope things get better for you.

HisMom30139522.8911342593[QUOTE=randyjim]

Thanks Crunchy Frog and HisMom101. I believe you have both hit it right on the head.

My sister called me today while I was in the car with the children. I talk on bluetooth so it is safer. I had been driving for almost an hour taking the children to a citrus farm to pick and buy fruit. My sister talked for a few minutes and then asked me where i was because she couldn't hear the children in the background!!!!!

Jon got up so early this morning-5:30am and was on the go until 9pm but he did not have one tantrum today!!! Tonight was his 3rd night of one Strattera. Tomorrow we are supposed to up it to two after dinner. He has not had side effects that I can see. He has stopped taking numerous showers each day and he likes to sleep ON his weighted blanket more than under it. He wore a matching pair of shoes today. When he or the other children questioned me when I told them to do something they received a 'Take 5' in a firm, no nonsense voice. He even waited his turn on the gameboy without throwing a tantrum.

He watched a Nancy Drew movie for a while with us this evening (and fell asleep in the middle) and was very impressed with the modern Corvette driving Nancy. I told him her brain was big like his and she had to work harder like he does. He asked me if she took the same medicine as he does and I told him she does (I wrote it into the story) and he was so thrilled he kept saying, "she's just like me." So now I am going to find movies of famous people with ADHD etc and we will watch them. He does not feel so different anymore.

[/QUOTE]

You are aware that Strat is VERY weight /Dose Dependent? WHat is his weight? It sounds like the Psych is having you ramp too high too fast.

Hi LeftyMom!!! You forgot the Main Directive (Star Trek lingo)! Your SON IS EMPOWERED!!! Tell us more about him: his age, dx, and meds he is on. Believe me he does NOT enjoy destroying things and being out of control. Not only does it take a LOT of energy but it also leaves him feeling that he can't TRUST you to stop him. I used to have major problems with anger when I was a child. The episodes left me shaken and shaking and very depressed. (BTW I am now the easiest going person in the world and almost never get angry or even annoyed- I learned to tune out).

How do you stop a child? Well it depends on the age of the child. For a younger child time outs work. But you have to be consistant. If there is no one to watch the tantrum then the tantrum will stop. However- they will probably get worse for a while so get earplugs!!!!! DON'T GIVE IN! DO NOT GET TAKEN HOSTAGE TO HIS TANTRUMS!

What ever you ask him to do- SUPERVISE!! At the first sign of destructiveness- TAKE 5 (Time out minutes). THEN repeat what you want him to do. It might take you all day to get your little bugger to pull one weed but he will!! Keep repeating the time outs. It won't kill him. Do NOT engage him in conversation during Time outs or instructions. Do not even explain the change to time outs. If he doesn't do what you ask: That's 1, that's 2, Take 5. And put him in the bathroom. If he screams, close the door. NO CONVERSATION! EMPOWER YOURSELF! TAKE CONTROL OF THE TYRANT!

My husband believes in spanking for dangerous stunts. Kick holes through walls is dangerous! If you don't have a wooden spoon get one. I let daddy do it since I would throw up.

Please give us the vitals on your son and a lot of people will jump in to support you and help you!!!

Leftymom- We have a "you break it- you bought it" policy in our house. Whatever damage my son causes intentionally is his responsibility to pay for and/or fix. We have assigned chores a monetary value and keep the list posted on our bulletin board- he works off the cost of whatever it is he broke. Someone else mentioned constant supervision being the only way to prevent it, and that's about all I can think of too. Be super consistent and super calm the whole time- it will eventually pay off.

This is GREAT!!!

Leftymom - I am so happy you wrote about your experience -- because now I feel I am not alone dealing with a child whom looks to break, damage, destroy, have a 2 hour tantrum, hit me, hit friends etc, for saying "no" / asking to "stop" etc. In an effort to "AVOID" a miserable experience -- I have tip-toed around things. I feel that I am always having to be on my toes. It's so draining dealing with a child that goes "ABOVE AND BEYOND" normal. We have on many occasions and for months on end, tried to employ some of the standard techniques - timeout - calm / quiet / talk nicely... but after 3 months of 2 hour draining sessions of throwing the waste basket at the door, pooping on the floor, kicking the door, running out and hitting me... I decided that this technique is not working for us and he wasn't breaking. I have recently tried the "Time Stands Still" technique and I am seeing greater success for all parties involved -- we are less stressed, he gets less angry, it's over quicker and he does what was requested. The reason, he wants to participate and sees others going on and having fun... he settles down pretty quickly and does what he is supposed to in an effort to join the group.

For major offences, we still use "time-out"

My son is very bright...at 3 I gave him the choice to stay in the car or go into the store and sit in the cart... he looked at me point blank and said "I'm not going to awnser you". That wasn't the choice and how the heck can he be this manipulative at 3??

He's now 4 years old... a very spirited child that is ADHD... Love his "spunk" - will serve him well later... but now, he needs to know who is the boss. We win most - not all battles... even today.

Thanks for listening.

Nice time for me to find this thread. My child has had a very difficult past couple of hours. Dad tried to handle it his way, and then I said "Enough is enough" and I stepped in. ds now is in his room, he's settled down, and he's sorting coins. I know he'll be fine when he comes back out later. Dad isn't really around on weekdays due to leaving early and working late, and he has a hard time remembering my consequences b/c he doesn't need to invoke them often. I think I need to write them up for him. Anyway, like Randy said, I have clearcut consequences for behavior. I know I've mentioned it on this board before. Various behaviors like hitting, bad language, property damage, etc. have a set consequence. There's no arguing, or the punishment goes up. ds has no choice but to follow it b/c if he's nearly destroying our house by pounding on doors so hard they will bust if he continues, then I'll put him outside. If he nearly busts the exterior door, I'll put him in the car and drop him off a couple of blocks away (only did this once when it was daylight. He's 8 and it's a safe area, so it's OK for him to walk a couple of blocks on his own). Since I've employed this new discipline method, I AM IN CONTROL, NOT MY CHILDREN. We all know what will happen if people act in certain way because there are clear consequences that are consistently implemented. Even when the behavior is impulsive and not intentional, there still need to be rules to keep people and property safe. Also, others living in the house have rights to be treated decently, to protect their ears from painfully loud sounds, etc.

Great thread, Randy, and keep up your new system!

Mom2ADHDboy39523.5655902778

Thanks Crunchy Frog and HisMom101. I believe you have both hit it right on the head.

I suppose I have empowered myself by knowing everything there is to know about every med available for ADHD( it is also my job ), and treatment, therapy, whatever I can get my hands on. I have researched, read, everything,. It pays to be informed.

Hi. Sorry I didn't post yesterday as it was a very interesting and informative day. My husband and I went to the behavioral psychologist and he was very very very instructive. He talked with us- he was going to see Jon but since my husband was there he saw us instead.

The beh psych told us that ADHD kids react to stimuli differently than nonADHD kids. He said that there are four things that Jon is trying to accomplish when he interacts with others (including us). He is trying to get attention, gain control, escape, or is impulsive/frustrated. He suggested before we take action we need to stop and decide which of these things Jon is as each is handled differently. He also said that he will provide us with 'tools' to use with Jon and since we are with Jon most of the time he will teach us to be jon's 'therapists'. He will also teach Jon how to be less impulsive. He also had us tell him what we wanted changed most and he will work with us one thing at a time.

PLUS- he is going to call Jon's school and talk with the principal to try to get them to accommodate Jon in various ways- such as homework and more positive reinforcement and to stop the taunting. This man is wonderful!

Jon is continuing to improve. He is sleeping more which is good- I wonder if it is the Strattera but he has only been taking it for 5 or 6 days. Jon is listening better- but I am taking a more active role- such as if I tell him to do something I now go to him and accompany him until I am sure he is going to do what he is told. The psych told us that Jon may not even 'hear' us if he is involved in something else or even just daydreaming.

Jon hasn't had a meltdown in a week (today). This is the longest he has gone without one. He is still flooding the bathroom so I will stay with him in there from now on to see exactly what he is doing. At least he isn't eating icecream in the shower anymore!!! And I haven't found candy wrappers in his room. I am still making sure he is getting plenty of protein. It seems to help. Also, giving him responsibilities such as putting his dishes in the dishwasher, taking out the garbage, petting our two teeny tiny dogs is giving him confidence.

The one thing I notice- as Jon gets better, his 6 y/9o sister and 9 y/o brother are getting more screamy and whiny and are acting out more. So I am using the same techniques on them as on Jon. I'll see what will happen.

Your therapist sounds like a godsend to you! He sounds much like the therapist my dd is seeing. She even said the same exact thing about the stimuli. It sounds like the Straterra is slowing doing "it's thing"...so that is good! I wonder if your other 2 children are acting out because they see you spending more "hands-on" time w/ Jon and they're jealous?

You sound like a terrific mom. You're doing everything right and it can only get better!

Guess who went into the creek and retreived his soccer ball today? I always wait and watch until the children go into their school (I drive them) and when I had gone Jon went back out, down to the creek and now has his ball.

Last night my 9 year old came to me and said, 'wow, is Jon's thumb blue!' I looked and discovered Jon had wrapped a plastic twist tie around the base of his thumb and twisted it so tight that his thumb was blue-gray. I grabbed my scissor (it was twisted too many times to mess around) and forced the point between his thumb and the tie and snipped. Oh, my, did he hop around when the blood went back into his finger. Believe me when I write all these things that Jon gets into and does. I don't have the imagination to make any of this up. I could either spend my time pulling out my hair or laugh at it all. Today I am laughing; last night I was not.

Jon took out the garbage today without my husband or me asking him to. I was so pleased. The behavioral psychologist Jon is seeing tomorrow called to see if things have returned to normal after Jon's meltdown last week. It's as normal as it ever will be :). The 1-2-3 Magic really is working.