Teenage Boy with ADHD & Dating Issues | ADHD Information

I have five sons- my second oldest has high functioning Asbergers and my youngest has severe ADHD + ODD. None of my children are allowed to date until the senior prom- they can go out on supervised 'dates' with groups of friends or go on church activities. I don't need to go with the flow on this. I also know that you are the best person to determine just when your son is mature enough to take a girl for an icecream or the movies.

So stick to your opinion and feelings and don't worry what your friends say since you are the one dealing with your son and they are not.

Hi,

I'm new to this message board and was hoping that some of you may have some helpful suggestions for how to help my son with his recent interest in dating.  He's 15 and is a very immature 15 year old boy with a severe case of ADHD/ODD -- probably more like a 13 year old boy's maturity level.  Anyway, he has found a new interest in girls and is really trying to rush the dating thing.  My feeling is that he needs to take it slow since up until now, he hasn't had any real experience with this at all.  Instead, he's interested in a girl who just turned 17 and has a driver's license.  My red flag went up with this one, and I'm really digging my heels in.  There are many reasons why I don't approve of this at all -- she's too old for him; he's not ready for dating much less dating someone that much older than him; he's definitely not ready for the car dates yet, etc.  I attempted to discuss my issues with a couple friends today, but they just don't understand why I have such an issue with this.  Instead, they told me I'm too focused on his diability and not letting him grow up.  One woman actually told me that she thinks I need a support group for this so that I'll stop focusing so much on his ADHD when making decisions concerning him.  Maybe I'm wrong here, but I really think that's the most important thing I should be taking into consideration when making these decisions.  Anyway, I'm hoping that someone out there may have experienced this and may possibly be able to share your experience with me.  Let me know.  Thanks!

Here are a couple of thoughts (from the mom of an 11-year-old girl who is QUITE interested in boys and a 15-year-old boy who has shown almost 0 interest in girls).
First of all I'm wondering if this 17-year-old girl is at all interested in your son?? Because if she's not, then your probably don't really need to stress out too much over this. You can then just use it as an opportunity to talk about his feelings, "crushes," and your family's thoughts and values as far as boy-girl relationships are concerned.
If the girl is interested in your son, I guess I would encourage him to invite her over to your house (when you're home), maybe invite her on a family outing like mini-golf or something ?? Maybe, like randyjim suggested, allow him to do supervised group "dates" with her, but just say that he's not allowed to go out alone on car dates yet.  Try to use it as an opportunity for him to learn appropriate social skills and develop.
Also, I agree that you need to consider his ADHD when making decisions, but at the same time it's important to find his strengths and interests and put a lot of focus on those too. That's my 2 cents.
But in the end you're the one who knows your son best so you do what you think is right! Good luck.
When I'm worried about something, I try as best I can to articulate what
exactly I'm afraid of - sometimes that's easier to do than others of course,
but I just take a piece of paper - or an online text box like this one if it
helps knowing that other people will see it (sometimes that helps me be
more careful in explaining exactly what I'm feeling) - and just write it all
out. Sometimes by the time I'm done I can even erase it because things
are that much clearer in my mind, other times the clarity only comes after
some days - or never, lol.

But with something like this, I might try to really figure out what I'm afraid
of here - what do I fear he'll do, what do I fear might be done to him? Am
I worried about his heart breaking or am I more worried he'll get someone
pregnant/get AIDS? Is it this girl, is it all girls?   Break it down into
smaller and smaller chunks.

And then maybe something will emerge that might be some sort of
guideline set that feels ok for now. Maybe it's no dating at all right now
(and exactly what that means - like what about "at school going
together"? What happens if you discover he was kissing someone in the
halls between class, etc) Maybe it's supervised movie dates, maybe it's ok
if she comes over to study at your place.

I would try to make what I decide as clear as possible and the reasoning
behind the rule as clear as possible too. All 13, 15, 17, 21 year olds
make bad choices. Heck, I make bad choices. You're trying to help him
build a framework so he can make the best possible, most self respecting
choices he can in times and situations when his brain is even less
engaged in the thinking process than usual.

Whatever you decide, like randyjim said this is about you and your son -
not your friends' kids, not your friends. Go with what feels right for
where you guys are right now, keeping an eye on the future and what
kinds of relationships you hope he'll learn to develop.Obviously parents have the right to do what they think is best for their kids, but I personally wouldn't set a rigid age limit. Kids mature at different rates. There may be kids the exact same age who are far more or less mature than typical. It's possible that someone two years older may be at a similar maturity level. Also, maturity is kind of a complex idea really. I think any particular kid might be mature in some respects but immature in other respects. Also, there can be two year age differences even within the same grade level since some parents wait a year to send their kids to kindergarten (or have kids who are held back), while others push their kids ahead.
Both my kids have friends (same gender friends, not boyfriends or girlfriends) who are a couple of years older as well as friends who are a couple of years younger. This seems normal and natural to me. So for a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, I would just keep the lines of communication open, be observant, set guidelines, and proceed with caution.  I have a 17 yo son who began "dating" (hanging out at recess, going to football games) a girl his age at 14, the only kind of dating I would allow. Had he, with no extra-added factors aside from teenage hormones, told me that he wanted to date a girl 2 years older than him, I would have resolutely said no. I don't think kids should date outside their grade in school because of lots of tangential issues. Stick to your guns!  Until my son turns eighteen, I'm reserving the right to monopolize his time (and therefore control his dating!) as I see fit!!  BPQW39522.5551273148I say ignore everyone else for you know your son best.  If I were you and you are concerned is your son in counseling or seeing a psychologist for they can address things with him as well.  I dread the teen years.