My son is driving me crazy! | ADHD Information

I feel bad for posting this but my 4 yr old son is driving me crazy.  seriously.  I just dont know what to do, who to turn too.  I need advice.  My number one problem with him right now is....ANYTHING you say, he will say the opposite.  My number 2 problem-  he wont eat anything normal.  He wants cereal for breakfast, lunch and supper.  Or some type of breakfast food.  Example last night.  I told him PB sandwich was on the menu tonight...he says well i wanted mac n cheese.  I said ok.  I made him regular mac n cheese.  He seemed excited until he saw it and then screamed and threw a tantrum b/c he wanted "SHREK MAC N CHEESE!!"  So I said (i lied) That IS Shrek.  So he says Well I wanted SCOOBY Then.  This goes on and on about everything.  If I say black, then he says white, and its a tantrum.  All day.  I feel bad but I am miserable!  This sucks!  The food thing drives me crazy b/c he is small to begin with!  So then I have mothers guilt about giving him cereal.

 

My thing is Im just TORN!  I dont know whether or not to stand firm on these things...like eating normal food or give in?  I dont know whether to punish him over the tantrums or not.  I know I sound like a dopey mother but im just so frustrated!

 

Any Advice please!

Welcome to my world.  My son is 14 and I have been living with this since birth

In fact, we just had a session in the psychiatrist office yest. where my son contradicted me, the Doctor and sometimes himself. 

In fact, my son will say, " what is for dinner - get nasty about it, then ask for seconds.  You tell my son to change his shirt because it's dirty and he says, "no it isn't."  I think this is a personality thing. 

I laugh at it now.  I  cry too. His oppositional behaviour is worse than the possible ADHD.  Your son is 4 - get help NOW. I waited way too long.

I have the same thing with the food.  In retrospect, I think I should have been firmer.

My son was a lousy eater so just to get him to eat, I kind of let him eat what he wanted.  I think this was a mistake.

If I made something he said he didn't like, I let him eat cereal or a frozen dinner, just so he'd get food.  Now I still get the crap about the food. 

This is what I suggest you do, he eats what you make - period.  Now, if he doesn't like a particular food and you know this is true, for example, you are making fish and you know he hates, it, then let him eat something else.

If you make something you know he likes then that is what he eats - period!  Let him tantrum, no one starves when food is around. 

I remember times when I put my foot down, my son left the table, refused to eat and a little later  he came out and ate.

Now, this will be hard, if you are being firm, and he is tantruming, you just have to stay calm and let him tantrum and be calm.  Oh it is hard!  As long as he is not hurting himself, let him tantrum.  Don't give in.  

I am doing this now  but at this stage I am trying to pick my battles (there are many) so I don't want to fight over food.

Or, you can take this approach - you have enough stress with his oppositional behavior in other things so who cares if he eats cereal or mac and cheese every meal as long as he is getting nutrition.  This takes a lot of patience.  But, you will run the risk of creating a monster - like I did.  My son won't eat leftovers - "they don't taste right."  I spend a fortune on frozen meals - the healthy ones - because he will eat them.  Now I try to make meals that he likes.

This is what I did and now I see it did contribute to my son's attitude about food. We used to let him order what he wanted in restaurants to avoid the tantrums.

So I suggest, nip it in the bud now.  Set firm guidelines. He likes PB and J, that is what you are making, he eats PB & J period.  You don't have the particular shape of mac and cheese - too bad. Adapt. I still get this now. 

If I could go back in time, this is what I would have done instead of indulging him.  

Good luck. 

 

When my dd has a "fit" she has to go into the half bath and have it. She
stays there until she is done. (She's 6, but since she has adhd, is a bit
immature). You could try this with your son. Just give him a safe place to
have his tantrum. You don't say anything. Just take him to the place. When
he's done, don't even mention it. Go on like nothing happened. The hardest
part for me is keeping my mouth shut, but that is key. Do not engage him in
any way. Oppositional children love to engage in argument. Do not give
him the chance. (I love the book 1-2-3 Magic. It truly helped me.)

Bebop gave you good advice. Nothing like the voice of experience. The
sooner you get a handle on discipline the better. I know our kids are
challenging, but you have to hang tough. Come here often for support, too!     

My problem with the discipline is this-----I WANT to discipline but im caught between wondering if he can actually help the way he acts?  Any advice?  Like im not sure if this is just something he just can not help??  What do y'all think?  Im desperate here.

 

By the way the teacher says he is wonderful at school and he listens well.  He is a model student.  Ofcourse this is only pre school.  She says it HAS to be our discipline that is making him act this way (in other words too lenient)

Kerry

Maybe some of your son's behaviors are out of his control. Kids that have
adhd and other disabilities can't help some of the things they do. That
being said, I still believe there have to be consequences. Try not to
analyze things too much. If he's behaving at school and not at home, you
should look at what you can change at home. The fact that he can
"behave" at school tells me he knows how, just that he chooses not to
when he is home.

Read all you can...most books I've read tell us NOT to give kids a pass
when it comes to behavior. My dd is very impulsive and easily distracted
due to her adhd. This does not mean she gets by with her misbehavior.
Consequences for her have to be concrete and swift. Rewards need to be
tangible and immediate. Some of these things our kids will outgrow, too.
A lot of it is immaturity. You don't want to fall into the trap of "oh, poor
kid. He can't help it. " He's probably smart enough to use that against
you as time goes on.

I know this is hard. Truly I do. I catch myself saying sometimes, "Well,
she has ADHD, of course she can't help rushing through her work at
school. (Or whatever.)   But when dd puts her mind to it, she can work
slowly and neatly. It's all about choices. Your son is still young. Be
consistent and firm. Things will get better if you take charge. (I have to
remind myself and my dd sometimes that I am the adult!)

Four is a tough age regardless of what else is going on.  Some one else mentioned 123 Magic- it works wonders on kids this age when used consistently. 

It is so easy to fall into the "he can't help it" trap- I'm sure we've all done it at some point, but it doesn't really help anyone.  Regardless of how much he can control himself, his behavior is unacceptable so there must be consequences.  Don't engage him when he argues.  Either ignore him or give him a warning and then send him to his room until he calms down.  Many kids can hold themselves together at school, but then let it all out when they are at home where they are more comfortable. 

With the food thing- he won't starve.  Don't ask him what he wants to eat.  Tell him he has a choice of A or B.  If he refuses it then just tell him it's up to him whether or not he wants to eat it, but he won't get anything else.  If he won't eat it just let it sit on the table for a reasonable amount of time (1/2 hour?), then clean up.  He can eat again at the next meal time.  In my house, I make sure that there is at least one dish that each of the kids likes at dinner, but they know I could care less if they eat it- well, that's not entirely true, but they don't need to know that.  

Thanks to everyone!  You dont know how much I am hanging on your every word!!

 

At home we do a sticker reward system....he gets a prize at the end of the week (like a gameboy game or something) if he earns stars.  Im the first to admit Im not a good follower of this.  I KNOW I KNOW!!

Does anyone have any suggestions as far as a reward/discipline system??  WHat do u guys do at home?  Does it work??

 

Kerry

I use 1-2-3 Magic. If dd is misbehaving, it's a 1. If she doesn't stop, it's
a 2. If she still doesn't stop, it's a 3 and a time-out in the bathroom for
six minutes (because she's 6.) When she comes out, we don't even talk
about it. When she goes into time-out, there is also NO TALkING. (At
least by me!) Some behaviors are not allowed to escalate. For example,
hitting is an automatic 3. This system works if everyone in the house is
on board.

I explained this to my kid before we started using the system. It took
awhile, but now I hardly have to use it. Sometimes she even counts
herself! I love this plan, and I was skeptical in the beginning. I can't
recommend the book highly enough. (There is also a section on
rewards.)

As far as reward, I give her extra computer time, a quick trip to the $
store, or some other small reward. I find it hard to use stickers, too. I
like the immediate. Lots and lots of praise, hugs, kisses, extra time with
me also works. I do this on a daily basis. An end of the week reward
doesn't work. It's too easy for her to mess up early and then blow the
whole plan.         & nbsp;

Mschif78 - Listen to me.  I am reading your posts and it is as if I am looking back in time. 

Be prepared for tough times.  Traditional parenting does not work with these kids. However, that does not mean not to try. 

I started looking for help when he was in the 4th grade. I won't go into the loooong journey it took to find the right therapist, etc.etc.

When we were told it was not a parenting thing, that was the way he was, yada yada and then when I started reading about ADHD and the coexisting conditions, ODD was right up there.  Now, I started to feel like you - what if he can't help it?

Okay -  yes and no.  There are some things they can help.  It is so true - these kids love to argue so don't engage them.  This was told to me by the second psychologist and it does work. Try not to establish the routine of fighting. This is what I do: the minute he starts to try to pick a fight, I say to him "I'm not going to fight with you." Then I walk away.  Sometimes I lose my temper.  It's tough but my son is 14.  If you can break the cycle of the fighting, perhaps when he is older, his defiance and oppositional style will be a little easier to control.

My son has extreme difficulty controlling his emotions (yet he is the first to tell you he doesn't have a problem as he slams the door LOL). BUT here is the key - they have to learn to control their emotions.  You may not stop the tantrums but you can't give in on everything.

I was told on this board by people wiser than myself, that just because a child has ADHD, that does not give them a right to be rude.

Your child is 4 and is learning that if he tantrums long enough you will give in.  Perhaps because of his problem, what ever that may be, he will not be able to control his emotions when he sees he wants something else.  But, you can not tolerate the behavior.

Everything with our kids are magnifed 1000 times.  nip it in the bud now!!!

Believe me, I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.  I wish I had better answers for you.  Right now I am in teenage h__L hormones, oppositional definance, slight ADHD innatentive - but you can work on it now so in 10 years you don't have a 14 year old sweet but picky nasty eater.

i also recommend Magic 1-2-3.  Another good discipline tool is a reward board, so it uses positive reinforcements.  There's information online if you good reward chart or behavior chart.  Read as many books as you can about ADHD.  All the stuff that works with regular kids won't help kids like ours.  Now, that's not a free pass to misbehave at all, it just means we have to be more creative about how we do it.

Good luck, you are not alone, post and read...and then do it again until you find something that helps

Check out the Marble thread at the top of the board as well.  We use it with both our kids (one with adhd, one without) and have had success.  It's simple and easy to follow- and this is coming from an adhd mom.

We have also found though, that it helps to switch it out with other things, like sticker charts or smiley faces on the wall.  It helps to keep the kids interested.  The rewards often change, but the expectations stay the same.  We always end up back with the marbles though- I think they seem more tangible than something on paper.

I am throwing in my 2 cents here.  My son is 7 and gives me a hard time about dinner all the time.  I decided it was over and I tell him what is for dinner.  For instance, I made hamburgers the other night.  He took 2 bites and said he was full.  I warned him that there would be nothing else for him.  He stated he understood.  Within one hour he asked for a pb and j sandwich and other things.  I told him no, he could eat what was made or go hungry.  Some of the behavior is adhd, some is the age.  Now, he eats what is in front of him or he goes hungry.  I dont make 3 meals a night,  Nip it in the bud now or you will regret it later on!!!!!

[QUOTE=quixote]My son was the WORST at four. Everything had to be a confrontation, I
had to physically struggle with him to dress, brush teeth, ugh. He would
argue about everything, even though I made extremely sure that he never
ever won. Mostly for my own entertainment, I started answering his
questions with things that would flip back around on him... "What is for
dinner?" "Something you will not like." "Yes I will!!" "Where are we going?'
"Somewhere boring." "No it isn't!!" he would end up screaming "I am not
screaming!!" or something and then we would just crack up and it would
be OK for a little while. I just realized that it really has gotten better... and
today was a horrible day. I have had to learn to back off on certain things,
but on food and basic stuff like you are dealing with, I never gave in and I
am glad. It took a lot longer than for a "normal" kid, but he did learn to
not challenge me on these things, and I hope he learned that I will always
be consistent and he can count on me. Hang in there. [/QUOTE]

 

OMG this is MY son to a T!!!  I so need to get some help for us.  Its so hard when the teachers dont think there is anything wrong with him.  I feel like maybe its me- maybe IM crazy- maybe he is just running all over me.  But he IS SOOO like that, oppositional.  And ive never heard that before this thread.  But i have always said in my own terms, that he goes against whatever i say.  Its weird.  So im glad ive heard this term. 

MSchif78 - Although my son was and still is underachieving in school, he never exhibited the defiance and bad behaviour at school.

In fact, in the beginning of the 6th grade, he took a core evaluation with the school psychologist and the psychological profile said he was cooperative, agreeable, well behaved, no psychotic tendacies.

So, I read this report and it seems like a different kid took the test.  Then over the week, my son is acting up at home, tantruming, defiant, not doing homework without tantrums, etc.etc. 

I called the school psychologist and he said he doesn't see these behaviours and school and my son is probably saving it all up for home.  He suggested counseling, both individual and family.  The rest is history.

I don't know if your son as ADHD or ADD or something, or maybe nothing.  Some kids are spirited by nature.

You have to be CONSISTENT.  I was not and I'm paying for it now.  If you have a child with some kind of attention problem and coexisting ODD - it's very very very hard to control these kids.  I still don't know how.  If you feel there is something not right with your son's behavior, please, start looking for good help now.

It may take a while for you to find the correct help, but you will at least be able to get a handle on it before he hits middle school.  It took me a long time to seek find good help.

My son wasn't as bad as yours at four, but the definance and tantrums were there - he is my only child, and I didn't have any other child to compare him with so I figured he'd outgrow it.  He didn't.

Now, one other thing about food....they do say if you allow your kids to help in the preparation they will eat it.  This does work and is a good thing.  The kids are learning about food prep and it's a nice activity.  My son likes to cook - ofcourse, he always has to do the opposite so he can't just follow a recipe as written - has to tweak it.  If we say don't add that ingredient, he has to anyway.

My son will be oppositional for the sake of being oppositional.  Today, I told him he didn't have school on Friday.  Most kids would be happy.  What does my kid say? "That's a bad day to have off because it throws my schedule off and I'll have to take my trumpet to school every day next week."

 

My child with ADHD (13) is not oppostional, BUT I have a challenging 6 year old. Bebop is right 100% of the way. The KEY is not to engage. He's FOUR, don't argue with him. Whether you choose to win the battle or give him the control is fine, just DON't engage him when he's picking a fight. Ther other solid advice here is the tantrum "place",. Whenever he starts the tantrum there he goes for us it was my daughters bedroom, but anyplace works the key is consistency and him knowing you dont want to hear it. I bet once you stop the food battle it'll go away. Make what you want for dinner, if he ahtes it he gets peanut butter and jelly, thats it, no other choices, tantrum go to your room just dont sit her and ruin my meal. It sounds eaiser than it is to do, BUT it will work. EVERY time and I mea  every time he tantrum sor argues tell him your not discussing it and send him to wherever............again, every time...........consitency, soncistency, consistency. Then the first night he sits down and just eats dinner without an issue, make sure you tell hiom how happy he made you and how proud you are. Show him every possible time you can when he behaves positively. Good Lcuk 4 is THE worst....it gets better......always 4 has to be the hardest IMO.My son was the WORST at four. Everything had to be a confrontation, I
had to physically struggle with him to dress, brush teeth, ugh. He would
argue about everything, even though I made extremely sure that he never
ever won. Mostly for my own entertainment, I started answering his
questions with things that would flip back around on him... "What is for
dinner?" "Something you will not like." "Yes I will!!" "Where are we going?'
"Somewhere boring." "No it isn't!!" he would end up screaming "I am not
screaming!!" or something and then we would just crack up and it would
be OK for a little while. I just realized that it really has gotten better... and
today was a horrible day. I have had to learn to back off on certain things,
but on food and basic stuff like you are dealing with, I never gave in and I
am glad. It took a lot longer than for a "normal" kid, but he did learn to
not challenge me on these things, and I hope he learned that I will always
be consistent and he can count on me. Hang in there. i wouldn't care if he wanted breakfast for dinner or whatever. i'd serve the food, and that would be it. if he didn't want to eat it, i'd tell him to go to bed. this is what a tell my kids. ya, sure, clear your plate off the table without eating, but then go straight to bed. if you want to stay up, eat. after that, the discussion is pretty much over. you just need to try consistent fair consequences, and never waiver.