adhd and friends | ADHD Information

I have posted before about my son and his in your face behavior.  I have warned him, directed him and tried to teach him.  We moved one month ago into a new home and he made friends with the boys across the street who live side by side.  At first, they asked im to play all the time, then it tapered down. 

 Two days ago, my son was playing with one of the boys when the other boy called over and asked boy #1 to come see his new pokeman cards.  He ran off, leaving my son standing there and never returned.  My son came home upset and could not understand why they excluded him.  My heart broke as he sat up in his swing set and cried for 45 minutes.  A short time later, he wanted to go back over.  I told him no, that if he is readily available to be dumped on, it will happen all the time.

When we got home from school yesterday, the same boys were outside playing.  The entire family went for a walk and when we headed home, I could see the boys playing outside.  They clearly saw us and ran inside.  I stepped out a little while later to hear them playing in the backyard across the street, my son, again, not included or invited.  I thought about sending him out to go over and see if he could join in but hubby told me no, if they wanted him, they would come and ask for him.  I refuse to intervene anymore.  He is almost 8 and still does not know the correct way to get along with others.  It is usually a short amount of time before he upsets people he plays with and he has playdates with some friends only one time a month because they cannot take him for any longer than that.  What else can I do for this child? 

Oh, boy, I feel your heartache. It is so wrenching to watch our kids get
excluded by other kids. It is so awful. Sounds to me like you are doing
all you can. One thing I do with my 6 year old is role-playing. It seems
to help some. Trying to teach social skills and empathy is hard, though.
You just have to keep at it.

The boys in your neighborhood were probably good pals before you all
moved in. Their behavior could happen to anyone who was new. (my
non-adhd daughter is in 3rd grade, and can some of those girls be mean!
Whew. And my dd is a sweet kid with nice friends. It's just that some kids
are bullies.)   

i wish I had a better answer for you. It's a shame these boys are not
being taught that it is rude and wrong to exclude someone from playing,
but then again, they are young. They are only thinking of themselves. I'd
try to put your son in a sport or other activity that he enjoys.

    

I have been where you are many times. It is difficult for some adhders to make friends and keep them. Mine usually makes them for a short period. I always worry a lot about his playing time at school. His best friend has abandoned him lately since it is obvious that he is growing more mature and my son is still engaged in games  and topics of conversation that do not interest others. This is very hard for me; the other day he came home crying from school because the friend who used to play with him in school had left to live in another country. There I thought "How lucky we are!!!!!"

What have I done? Mine is attending social skills classes and it has helped him a lot with impulsive behavior and with dealing at different situations.   The progress is  slow, but I think it is helping him.  This is a difficult aspect of adhd; I am a teacher and I know how mean and cruel can other kids be to the ones that do not meet their expectations. I have my son under psychological help and I do whatever the psychologist suggests. Currently he is taking social skills classes which will be over soon; so, I suppose that the psych will keep giving us different tools to enhance my son's social skills.

I simpathize with you because I do know what you mean.

well, we got home and my son asked to play at the other boys house.  We covered responses to possible answers and off he went.  He was back in 5 minutes and very upset.  He stated the oldest of the boys told he he could not play because his mother was not home and his mother didn't like him!!!!!!!!

I IMMEDIATELY went into the backyard up to this boy and asked him if he said that.  He admitted to it and apologized.  I told him that if he didnt like my son, that was ok but it did not give him the right to be mean to him!!!!!!!!!!  I told both boys that my son was a good and faithful friend and that they would know that if they gave him half a chance.  As I was leaving, the mother came outside, she was home afterall!!!!!!!  I told her what happenned. She assurred me that she liked my son and that her childs statements were incorrect!!!!  I told her as I was leaving that I was now going home to take care ofa very upset child!!  I hope she handles him appropriately!!!!! 

 BTW, they boys told me that my son stated he would be using their trampoline when they were not around.  I canot imagine why he would say that butI assurred them this would never happen and chastised my son for the remark.  Now, I know I said I would not intervene but.......... Any thoughts?

I know this doesnt help you really, but I just had a conversation with a neighbor, our daughters are friends, but hers is a little older (7) and they are seeing all of this behavior across the board (none of them have ADHD). It's all about who's with who and leaving people out...................it is really hard and harder on kids who struggle...............my Kindergartner has a girl in her class who has started "the cool girls club", how horrible is THAT these kids are 5 and barely 6. My daughter isnt in it (not a cool kid I guess), she could care less, not sure she even knows about it...........and I am glad she doesnt know or is in it. I'd hate to see her being part of that group. It's this way everywhere. You have to just keep trying. Try not to draw too much attention to it and keep pushig for his own playdates. Protect his feelings if you can and work on positive relationships.

"You have to just keep trying. Try not to draw too much attention to it and keep pushig for his own playdates. Protect his feelings if you can and work on positive relationships. "

----Diane V , I coudn't have said it better.  You have to be proactive without being manipulative.  It's just not going to happen with those kids now.  Maybe try again later, but you can't make those things happen.  Your son will eventually--we hope--get the connection between his behavior and friendships.  All you can do is be the facilitator or the catalyst- trying to allow relationships to occur naturally without leaving fingerprints.

It is difficult to watch these things happen here too.  My daughter has No Friends at school only one girl would talk to her and they are not in the same room together.  My girl is babyish loves to regress and still picks her nose and no matter what I do nothing works she gets better than it is back again.  I try playing with her and her Barbie's and try to instill social skill training my own play therapy and that does seem to help but then she hounds me constantly to Play with her and pitches a fit when i do not want to.  My girl is 8 and has not many play dates only the ones I set up and we live across the street to a park and hardly go there for the kids in the neighborhood have her marked and will ignore her and leave her as a loner.  I take her to other parks or the pool and she plays with kids  and does well how we got 1-2 friends of hers but for play dates traveling a must.  I wish you the best Jill

Jilette,

I know all about being marked.  I told my hubby that I want to do things with the boys on the weekends.  I want to make plans and playdates with people who live outside the neighborhood.  My son is starting cub scouts....yes, we are very late but this will give him weekends where he will be camping and out of the area.  There are only 3-4 kids in the den so.......believe me, I completely understand.  My son also only has play dates that we set up for him.  It is so sad.  I dont need for him to be a social butterfly but I would like for him to have 1-2 friends he can always count on.

Longsally, I am soooo glad you did what you did.

You need to stick up for your child, no one else will. the mother very well may have said "something", who knows.

Why not find something for your son to do elsewhere, I did.

This "crap" ( no other word comes to my mind at the moment) goes on with kids, whether they have ADHD or not.

Because we go through so much with your children, I believe that we feel that this is just an ADHD thing, I don't. I think it is a click thing. You are new to the neighborhood and may just not be priviledged to their click, including the mother's.

Keep sticking up for your child!! You go girl!!

You did the right thing!!

Hello everyone,

I think that part about is it the ADHD or is it just the normal kid stuff that makes me crazy. It is so hard not to read into every little spat between kids. My son is lucky he has a boy in the neighborhood who has been his best friend for a year now. I think it helps that the boy is a year younger. They had a bad fight last week and I actually lost sleep over it. I think I drive myself crazy with worring too much. Needless to say they made up in a few days and everything is fine now.  I also find it hard not to blame my son or believe my son when he tells me his side. Of course I have caught him in a lot of lies in the past. I think the lying is getting better though as he grows up. It sure is a pain in the butt dealing with all this silly stuff! I am lucky my husband isnt like me and reminds me to not blow things out of proportion.

I think it is good to step back sometimes and say all kids do this stupid stuff and it is not just mine all the time. Hang in there, I know how much it hurts when your child does not always fit in.

Have a good Easter everyone!!!

Gail      

I so am on the same page as Gail!!!!!!!!!!! My 5-year-old son is borderline ADHD so we're just keeping an eye on things until he starts kindergarten. I too have stressed myself sick over his interactions with his peers. We had several unfortunate incidents with a neighbor boy who is the exact opposite of our son -- our son is on the rough and tumble side; theirs is more sensitive. Nothing wrong with either one. The problem is that the other boy's parents always made us feel like there was something WRONG with our son because he liked to play more aggressively and their son would cry. It didn't seem to matter to them that their son did the EXACT same things to our son who just doesn't cry over getting whacked with a foam sword, etc. (I could go on and on ... )

I finally just let go of the situation and stopped analyzing everything. Now my son plays great with some kids and not so great with others -- but that's true with ALL KIDS whether ADHD or not. I just think kids can be so mean sometimes. Overall, they just need a bit of guidance. I try to redirect my mama bear instincts into words and actions that will motivate the kids to be positive (although I complete relate to wanting to just go off, believe me, and have done that myself). Now if we're at a park and another kid is playing mean, I'll try to be very upbeat and redirect to get a better response. It doesn't always work, but it's the best I can do and the example I want to set for my kiddos.

I also think a lot of parents try to live through their kids and make them into the "popular" people they weren't growing up. If people would just relax, let their kids be their kids and praise inclusive behavior, everything would be better. Ah, one can dream ...