Shouldn’t have opened my mouth. | ADHD Information

Point well taken.  Sadly, I still struggle with caring too much about others' opinions.  

Through the years, school teachers, principals, guidance counselors, school psychologists, and doctors have pointed out how important it is to recognize and seek intervention and treatment for my son's ADHD; however, people I know that are less educated seem to be the ones who scoff at the diagnosis and treatment. 

Fortunately, my DH is supportive (even though he has, at times, been skeptical and frustrated along the way) and wants to help our DS, too.  Guess I should count my blessings!

I can totally understand. When my son had his bad episodes a couple of weeks ago at school and we rushed him to the e.r. I'll never forget we were discussing the issues and everything going on with him to the nurse, and when she left the room, a man from across the hall walked over to my sons room. And started in on how he was adhd and graduated high school and college and was never medicated for it. Lecturing us telling us how its wrong and that we shouldn't medicate him and just allow him to be himself. He said someone needs to smack these nurses and doctors.

I said get out before I smack you. Omg what ever happened to privacy? Because we definitely didn't have any that day. I proceeded to tell him as my sons mother, I would be more concerned with myself as a mother not doing something to help my son, then me medicating him. I said when a child literally can't function at school, you have to do something. He said oh, sounds like the teachers fault.

So I have a thought that I stick to, if you don't believe in adhd, that's your right, if you don't believe in medicating that's also your right, you are entitled to your opinion.  I do, and i'm entitled to mine. Until you walk a day in my shoes, keep your opinion to yourself. I would get so sick of hearing remarks like this especially when Trent was 2. He's been a very high strung child since he was 2. But I didn't see any since in doing anything about it. I just let him be himself. But when he started school and it was affecting him to the point, he couldn't spend more then 5 min in his seat in a day, and he couldn't walk down the hall without bouncing off the walls, and he didn't have time to eat, cause his mind was racing .

Anyway, I would just try to let it roll off of you.  Most that don't have experience with children with adhd have no clue. I would be more then willing to loan them my son for a couple of days NON MEDICATED of course. With the strict rule that no, you can't beat his butt to get him to behave. I don't raise my hand to my kids. I don't believe in it.

I've seen posts on this board questioning whether or not to mention one's child has been diagnosed with ADHD.  Previously, I have posted that I don't discuss my DSs diagnosis of ADHD with everyone, since I've noticed some think it's not "real" and are not supportive or understanding. 

Well, recently, I was at a get together with lots of people, someone mentioned the challenges of her active toddler, and she said it had been suggested (I believe by professionals at daycare) she seek an ADHD evaluation for her child.  Anyway, I simply remarked that I had learned that maybe there could be no definitive diagnosis at that age (heard via input from others on this board) but was supportive and empathetic.  Another older adult present  at the get together remarked she believed there's no such thing as ADHD...  Now, seeing all that my child as well as many others have gone through as a result of living with an attention disorder, I was irritated by that remark.  I didn't say anything, as I figured the person is entitled to an opinion.  I must add also that recently I openly described my son's trials related to ADHD to this same "nonbeliever," thinking she may understand, but after her remark, I regretted discussing it with her. 

I feel discouraged when people think this is not a real problem and that these kids are just lazy or getting over on their parents when they perform poorly in school, etc. 

'Spose I just need to vent...

if there's one thing I'm learning the older I get, is not to care too much what others say..............I've got to live my life and rasie my children as I feel appropriate. Let them say what they want.Along the same lines, but a little different. Have any of you ever come across a situation where another child says something about ADHD to your child?

Background information: I have a neighbor who has two teenage sons. The younger one is 13 and is friends with my son and also, to a degree, with my daughter. He spends a lot of time at our house. He is a sweetheart and I enjoy having him around. His family situation is currently pretty messed up and stressful.

Anyway, a while back I had a conversation with his mom when I brought up my daughter's ADHD and 504 plan. She went on at length about how she had told teachers that if her son had ADHD then he was "just going to have to learn to deal with it." I found out that he does have a 504 plan, but apparently the mom does not really believe in ADHD or meds, and she says her son is "just like her." I don't know if this boy has actually been diagnosed or not. Both of her kids do pretty badly in school. Of course the mom is entitled to her opinion, and she didn't say what she said in a way that I found offensive. (She's also the type of person that you can't get a word in edgewise.)

So, last weekend the boy was spending the night at our house while the mom was out of town. I took him and my daughter to rent a video. When I got back in the car, they were in the middle of a conversation and the boy said that "ADHD is a stereotype." The conversation went on from there. I'm sure my daughter didn't really understand what he meant and was confused, and I didn't really know what to say! My daughter said that she has ADHD and asked me for confirmation. The boy said something to the effect that he gets distracted all the time, but that he doesn't have ADHD and again said that it's a "stereotype."

I really didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything and the conversation changed. Later I talked to my daughter and tried to clear things up by saying that there's a lot that isn't known about ADHD and that different people have all different kinds of opinions and that the important thing is to do what you can so that you can make the most of yourself, but I'm not sure I really made the point very well.

Has anyone else had a situation like this? What would you say?

I know your frustration.  On the one hand, you want to reach out for support, or give help or information.

On the other hand, you really have to be careful who you share your "secrets" with.   I mean you don't want to open yourself up for hurt, arguments and bad advise from well or  maybe not so well meaning people.

I share my son's problems with only certain family members and a close friend.  I have been tempted to open up to an acquaintance who has a daughter on the autsim spectrum but not aspergers and is in the same school system but something just keeps telling me not to.  Her other daughter is a classmate in my son's class; I don't know if she'd share it with her etc.

My son has told one of his friends that he is seeing a psychiatrist and I know he talks to kids with ADHD because that is how he can boldly tell me "I don't have ADHD because I know a kid who has it and I don't act like him."

 

 

I so am on the same page as many of you. My son is 5 and is considered borderline so we're just keeping an eye on things until he starts kindergarten and we can see how he does there.

At 4, we had him tested for the area peer-model oriented pre-school program. He tested fine, but based on my comments about his sometimes aggressive play with peers and diffa social worker's observance of his difficulty interacting with peers at daycare, he was accepted into the program.

The program has been good for the most part, but I often think that his teachers single him out when he does something and blame it on what the lead teacher thinks is ADHD. (She basically told us she thinks he's ADHD because her son has autistic tendancies with some ADHD behaviors and our son acts similarly in some situations ...) We get notes about how he acts and they capture every little thing he does "wrong." It got me so upset I didn't know what to do. Well, funny thing is when I went to his holiday performance, my son was one of the best kids in the bunch and two of the peer models were the ones that were acting up, tackling each other, laughing, etc. Sometimes I think he's given the ADHD "stamp" for behavior when he's just being a boy.

So ... I keep his potential ADHD diagnosis to myself, my close family and one close frieind. I don't want people to over analyze his actions or behaviors when he truly is just being a kid. Maybe I'm blind or hypersensitive or whatever, but my job is to protect my child. It's so unfortunate that some other parents (and even teachers) can't be understanding or compassionate in this world.

Take care, all!

I don't think you're blind or hypersensitive.  Sounds like you're going with your gut feelings and observations.  I totally understand the concept of wanting to protect your child.  You know, teachers are human, too, and are "subject to being subjective" at times, I am sure.

My DS with ADHD is 16 and even though I know I have to "loosen the apron strings" a bit, I still see he needs guidance and, at times, someone to defend him and steer him in the right direction. 

"Hang in 'dere" and continue on as the good mom that you are!

Thanks, brtsqd3!  Nice to hear your thoughts.  That is so true that some would rather judge than try to listen, learn, and be supportive?

To all who posted:  Thanks for sharing your experiences and for your suggestions.  It just goes to show how much we care about our kids and want the best for them.  I guess that's the bottom line. 

Wonder if one of these "news shows" (for instance, 20/20) has ever done any programs regarding ADHD?  Seems like it would be a great topic and maybe an eye opener for some naysayers, if presented properly.  Those type of shows seem to have an impact (at least from my POV ) and maybe, just maybe, if it could be out on the table, explored, and explained with backup from parents and professionals, some people may look at ADHD in another light.  Wishful thinking, huh?

I think that is a great idea. Wonder if someone or a bunch of moms could contact 20/20 or shoot montel to start with or Oprah to get it discussed. I think its funny how so many people are so judgemental about parents who medicate. I mean its really sad that they don't put as much thought into understand adhd as they do into criticizing and damning the parents.

Oh well, another day another time. :)

I come a family of ADHD people, I was the least affected. My little brother was the combined type but was ADHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD. My little brother was diagnosed in the late 60's. My mother was put down by many people as a bad mother for years.

When my son was diagnosed, I too had the guilt heaped on me. Through reading everything I could get my hands on, I came to realize it wasn't because I was a bad mom. Having other moms of ADHD children as friends has been my lifesaver. Choose your friends carefully.

I still run into those people that think it is all made-up and fake. I just avoid them. I have educated myself so I can support any discussion with calm and rational responses. The nonbelievers tend to use emotion and have very little real information about ADHD, mostly stories about a friend of friend.

Doesn't feel great to be able to vent to people that understand!!!!!!!!!!!

This website is a sanity saver. Sometimes people make me feel like I am living in a foriegn country with a language that I can't really understand.

I too have told close friends and their first reaction was to say " oh its over diagnosed, no one had it when we were kids", yada yada yada...... It gets frustrating because you constantly have to explain yourself. I read as much as I can about it and try to explain ADHD and the cause but its almost as if they have their opinion and so they don't listen. I know what I've learned about it,  I know my daughter was diagnosed with it, and I know Im going to be battling for her until the day I die. Until they walk a day in our shoes and have to struggle with the issues we struggle with they will never know. Its hard enough to educate yourself yet alone other people. Im going to start carrying around a pamphlet and hand it out the next time someone says its over diagnosed and that my child doesn't have it.
 I do have to say Im lucky and my daughter tends to behave herself when she's around other people, so friends tend to think Im exaggerating her behavior, because they don't see her mouthing off, taking hours on homework, jumping around and having major meltdowns. They don't see her failing in school and her low self-esteem.  She does try hard around other people her doctor said thats great but thats also why she melts down the second we walk in the door, because she can't handle herself anymore. They don't see that, but if they want her for a week so they can see adhd first hand they're welcome
Sorry for my long rant but its so frustrating!!!!!

hangindere, I can totally relate to your comments. I have, like so many of us, spent years understanding ADHD and all the related issues, so it drives me crazy to hear ignorant and opinionated comments from ignorant and opinionated people.

Granted, my ADHD means I'm fairly impulsive (lol)but I really struggle to keep my mouth shut, especially if my sons are with me.

My 13DS has always been comfortable with people knowing he has ADHD, although we caution him to be selective about who he tells. Recently a boy (unaware of DS dx) in his class was making disparaging comments about ADHD, when a friend of DS (who does know) told this child he was an idiot for talking about something he knows nothing about. My son was very impressed!

It's seems so unfair that these kids struggle with such a difficult condition, and at the same time are constantly berated my media and the ignorant public for having it. I reall hate that, so unjust.

ktjn - I think my son, too, has become accustomed to what goes along with ADHD.  He's learning to cope with the realities.

Just a note, too - noticed you're from the land down under.  I think it's just so cool to be able to share and exchange ideas with people from all over (excuse me for being corny!)  I'm really far from you, living in the northeastern US.

Anyway, glad to hear your input. 

Not corny at all, there is a certain sort of magic about reaching out to people all over the world for help and support ( see, that sounded corny), but seriously, we have some great doctors over here, but you guys have the numbers and years of experience over there. Just reading these forums make me feel better.

I told my life long best friend about ds diagnosis. She seems supportive but sometimes makes comments that show me how little she knows about adhd. That is understandable because I was totally in the dark until my son's dx. So I try to educate the few people I have told.

Honestly though, I am so worn out sometimes that I don't have the energy to educate everyone else. I point my loved ones to this website sometimes.

[QUOTE=reruho] I come a family of ADHD people, I was the least affected. My little brother was the combined type but was ADHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD. My little brother was diagnosed in the late 60's. My mother was put down by many people as a bad mother for years. [/QUOTE]

I also have a younger brother, who was diagnosed in the 60s (as far as I know, they just referred to it as being hyperactive), and my mother, too, was criticized for brother being on Ritalin (can you imagine the eyebrows that raised way back in the 60's??).  Anyway, mom is an RN, educated, and a very caring and concerned mom, who fought for special classes in grade school for my brother (successfully); had she not stayed close by him and fought for him, I shudder to think what misery he would have encountered as the years went on; even with parental and family support, he still was the target of ridicule and rejection; fortunately, he is now a strong and successful man.

[QUOTE=Ashy'smom] I do have to say Im lucky and my daughter tends to behave herself when she's around other people, so friends tend to think Im exaggerating her behavior, because they don't see her mouthing off, taking hours on homework, jumping around and having major meltdowns. They don't see her failing in school and her low self-esteem.  She does try hard around other people her doctor said thats great but thats also why she melts down the second we walk in the door, because she can't handle herself anymore. They don't see that, but if they want her for a week so they can see adhd first hand they're welcome[/QUOTE]

Ditto, except mine's a boy!  We also had a counselor point out similarly that meltdowns occur because DS keeps it inside all day; I have stepped back, thought about this point, and have tried to be more understanding/have more insight into his feelings.

 

Ashy's Mom ~

I DID have my daughter stay with some friends while I was out of town for 4 days last year.  They said they definitely noticed.  Hehehe.  In the morning my daughter puts on a Daytrana patch for school.  They said they didn't notice much difference in her behavior or personality during the day.  But at night when it wore off???  Look out! 

That is when they saw her behavior change - lots of chatter, getting mouthy and hopping around unable to sit still.

So lucky for me the actually did experience the "transformation" so to speak.  Hehehe.  I think it definitely opened their eyes.

Dear hanginindere, my daughters doctor described her behavior at school to be a spring that was still tightly wound and when she gets home in springs open because she can no longer contain herself. So now I let her spring open safely, and I don't expect homework to get done right away or chores. After about an hour then its homework, dinner, etc. My friends see her opposition towards me but they always say oh she's just a kid with a mouth and Im always like oh you have no idea thats just a small tidbit. Oh and did I mention she can't take meds because her heart can't tolerate them? We have to do this med free!!! Oh what a joy this is, we are going to a pysch next week so we'll see what his plan for her will be.............Oh the rial and tribulations this brings, sometimes I just have to laugh to keep from losing my mind. Dear brtqd3- Im going to the pysch next week and Im going to see what he says because I've read stuff about him and articles he's written and he does take a nutritional approach as well. I know he medicates patience too but he does talk about nutrition too. I have been reading more and more about the chiropractor and the nutrition end of this and it looks like thats the road Im going to be going down and I know its going to be a hard one......... Because thats a family event and lets face it we all like sweets we all like the stuff thats not so good for you but if its going to help not just her but my other daughter too Im all for it.
Thank you for your advice it helps!!! 

In recent years I have seen television reports on how processed foods affect children in general - not just children with ADD/ADHD.  They highlighted some high schools that took out the snack machines and soft drink machines, then did a complete overhaul of their lunch menus.  After the changes were made, they reported a measurable difference in behavioral incidents, claiming that it was a direct result of reducing processed foods and sugary drinks.

At the very least it is a healthy diet, and that never hurts anyone.

I agree with you there, I myself could use a better diet at times. I try to limit the amount of sugar my girls eat but thats not the only thing that needs to be limited, its the easy processed food that is going to be harder to do. I did it a few years ago so I could lose weight and it does work but at the time I wasn't watching the effect it had on my kids, so I will probably do it again to see what it does for her ADHD. I enjoy cooking so it isn't much of a chore for me.  My mother was a great cook too, so growing up we didn't eat a lot of t.v. dinners, or fast-food.  But I work and my dd has an active schedule that doesn't always allow for time to cook a decent meal.  I try compromising by going to "healthier" fast-food place.  I realize that is probably an oxy-moron ... hehehe.  We'll get sub-sandwiches, or even share a meal since our appetites are small from our meds.  Regardless of her ADD, I want her to grow up confident with her body image and not develop any eating disorders.  So we have conversations about how skinny is not equal to healthy, skipping meals are bad - even though your appetite might be small because of the meds, etc.  Maybe we are all just terrible parents. Shame on us! Just kidding. God gave us these kids for a reason. Screw everyone that thinks else wise. Cherish these young years while they are here, and let our children enjoy them as well. Medicated or not. Just love them. 

[QUOTE=Ashy'smom]Oh and did I mention she can't take meds because her heart can't tolerate them? We have to do this med free!!! Oh what a joy this is, we are going to a pysch next week so we'll see what his plan for her will be.............Oh the rial and tribulations this brings, sometimes I just have to laugh to keep from losing my mind. [/QUOTE]

Best of luck to you and your daughter.  All the posts after yours (above) have some real good input, highlighting nutrition.  We, also, have yet to find a med that my DS can tolerate; has had some frightening reactions to methylphenidates (namely, Concerta, Daytrana Patch) and didn't really "click" with Adderall XR; docs took him off all the meds.  Still, there's a possibility he may try another med down the road... 

Anyway, my husband and I have considered exploring other methods of treatment, too.

We tried, at one point, to get DS to take Omega 3; ended up hubby and I took it but not him!  He has this aversion to pills, except usually will take decongestants/antihistamines when he really needs to.

Best of luck to you and let us know how things go.

[QUOTE=Ashy'smom]Dear hanginindere, my daughters doctor described her behavior at school to be a spring that was still tightly wound and when she gets home in springs open because she can no longer contain herself. So now I let her spring open safely, and I don't expect homework to get done right away or chores. After about an hour then its homework, dinner, etc. My friends see her opposition towards me but they always say oh she's just a kid with a mouth and Im always like oh you have no idea thats just a small tidbit. Oh and did I mention she can't take meds because her heart can't tolerate them? We have to do this med free!!! Oh what a joy this is, we are going to a pysch next week so we'll see what his plan for her will be.............Oh the rial and tribulations this brings, sometimes I just have to laugh to keep from losing my mind. [/QUOTE]

Have you considered taking her to see a chiropractor? I've been doing alot of reading on it, there is alot entailed with including changing their entire diet etc, but it might be work a shot to look into. Just do a search for chiropractic & adhd.