Do you feel like you failed? | ADHD Information
What an inspirational story. Thank you.Eh, it is easy to have compassion for another when you know how it feels. I have been on her end MANY more times than I care to count - and I know how it hurts.
I was also blessed once by a passerby who witnessed one of my sons events, and took the time to tell me that she thought I handled the situation well. I have always remembered how that 2 seconds of her time made me feel, and how it erased all the anger and embarassment I had felt from the stares and commens of other people.
I am a big believer of "passing it on" and when the opportunity presented itself, I knew just what to do. I just wish everyone else in the world took the time as well. =)
The part I feel I failed on, is that I didnt educate myself sooner. I should've jumped on this a long time ago, instead of making through it each day thinking that as long as I gave my kid his meds, I was doing all I could. My son is now thirteen, and is in therapy as well as taking meds. And there is nothing worse than having the therapist tell me that my child's life has no structure, no routine, no guidelines, no set boundaries(Uh....and like the therapist has walked a mile in my shoes) How the heck can a child's life have structure, when he is being raised by a single parent? The poor kid goes to school, to grandma's, back home, never before 8pm, and is hyped up on stimulants. Had I known all this when he was diagnosed when he was younger, I would've known how to help him, and what to expect, instead of having a teenager that is "kinda just lost....."(as his therapist put it) Talk about guilt.wagst5
The next appointment with the therapist, tell them you need to know you can do. Say, "Tell me something positive instead of just telling me all the negative. Is there a book or something I could read that would help?" Throw the ball back into their court. I haven't had good luck with therapists. I never really saw any results from their meetings with my son.
There is tremendous guilt laid us by well meaning others. I often wish they could spend a day with my son unmedicated. I have developed a teflon coating with some people. I apologize for somethings and try to avoid those places where he gets over stimulated.
My son is 12, so I understand how hard it is. Puberty just makes it all crazier
wagst5- talk to your son, if you can get him to listen, and tell him that you both need to learn how to build structure and guidlines in your routines. Then- when you see the therapist, ask him to give you an outline or resources to help build this.
I have a daily calendar. I put in it what time we get up, get dressed, clean our rooms, eat. I am starting to homeschool my bi-polar, adhd, ODD son today and I put down what I am going to teach and when. If we don't follow it exactly, so what. You can put down big time blocks for your son's school, grandma's (and what time he needs to spend on homework), med times, home time and wind down time. There is your structure.
As far as guidelines: read 1-2-3 Magic to learn good discipline techniques (there are a lot of others also). With your son, write down behaviors that you will absolutely NOT tolerate (skipping meds, skipping school, etc) and other behaviors that HE thinks he needs to control. Then ask HIM what the consequences should be. This will give him some control and input.
It is very very difficult when you are a single parent. It must seem that all your energy goes to work and your son. You can do it! You know how I know you are a good and caring mom? You took the time to join the forum and ask questions!!!
I'm glad I am not the only one who hasnt had luck with therapy. This is probably our fourth or fifth attempt with different people that have been recommended. In one instance, I was referred to someone who was a behavioral therapist, and he had talked about simplifying our life, because with my work schedule, life for my son and his four siblings is hectic! I had said i wanted to go back to school but couldnt afford to quit working. His solution was to quit my day job, mooch off my parents for a year or two, go to school during the day, and have my source of income come from working in a night club.....making tips. Needless to say, I didnt return to him
. The gentleman my son is currently seeing has made it clear from the beginning that his job, and his concern is my son.....as it should be. I just hate feeling like he is sitting in that big comfy chair judging me. I'm actually thinking about therapy myself now:) thanks for your advice!
randyjim~
I have to say I admire you tremendously, to take on the responsibility to homeschool. The patience, and organization required for that is more than I could imagine. I wish you the best of luck, let me know how it goes! What made you decide to homeschool?
You have some really good suggestions, in fact, I have noticed that if I give my son a little more control of himself, and what is ok and what is not, he does respond better than just me telling him constantly what he is doing wrong. He has recently started setting his alarm clock, and getting up and showering even before I get up in the morning, which is a change from me hollering at him every morning to wake up. I dont know if that is because he is making attempts to take control over what he feels he can control on his own, or if it is because he wants to make sure he looks good for the ladies:)
Wagst5,
Don't let the counselor put you down, you must have some structure in your life. Working and taking care of 5 children just doesn't happen. Sometimes we have judgmental people in positions that they don't belong in, and because you don't fit into his defination of a family --you are lacking as a parent. I admire the fact that you are able to support 5 children. and I am a little jealous--I always wanted a big family. I have two children, but they are spaced 10.5 years apart. Before I found out about my son, I had accepted that one child was all I was going to get.
I have started giving my son more control over his life. Sleeping is a major issue for my son. I gave him control of his bedtime on one condition. He is not allowed to complain that he is tired, too sick to go to school or be grumpy in the mornings. If that happens, then I get to set his bedtime. It has really helped.
I also stopped doing his laundry if it isn't in the hamper. Last week he ran out of pants and had to wear dirty clothes. (I don't think that really bothered him too much.) I plan on making him do his own laundry after his next birthday.
reruho~Sometimes when I feel like I do just want to throw the towel in, I see the kids doing something together that is so touching that I just want to cry. One minute they are beating the daylights out of each other, and the next minute they are huddling in the corner giggling over something so trivial, and I want to kick myself for getting to the point of almost losing it. I think the guilt comes from the fact that I was raised in a family where my dad worked, my mom stayed home, we went to church together on Sundays, and sat at the dinner table every night together. I dont know if I could get my kids around the same table without throwing mashed potatoes at the ceiling and seeing who could make their milk come out of their nose. But I would take them that way anyday over not having them at all.
Is sleeping an issue for your son because of meds or because he doesnt want to go to bed? I dont know if it is just my son going through teenage years where he wants to stay up late and sleep in, or if he really cant fall asleep. I'm worried that it effects him in school.....and then if its really his ADHD affecting his concentration or the fact that he is just plain tired.
MamaCeleste,
I think that feeling of confidence sort of comes with experience. You will learn what helps and what doesnt know you're mkaing the best choices you can, at that moment, with the information you've got at that moment. No parent is not secind guessing themselves, we just have more decisions to make.
< =text/>_popupControl(); I never feel like I've failed, because I cut myself a break when I start to slip that way. I have always done what I thought was best. No one can do more than that.
As far as letting our families (parents!) make us feel like failures, I always wonder if my parents feel like they are responsible for every decision I've made or everything that's happened to me? I don't suppose so. Just like we can't live through our children's accomplishments, we can't be responsible for every thing that happens to them.
Hyperboy1 - My son has been on Concerta for a little over 2 months now. We have found it to be great for my son. It has helped his focus and his hyperactivity immensely! We were getting daily reports from school before, and in the 2 months he has been on Concerta I have probably gotten 2 reports. Also, his quality of work is MASSIVELY improved because he is able to focus. Example - on a written sheet, he was able to write his numbers up to about 40 in an alloted time period before - his last paper was 186 for the same time period! BIG difference!
He did have some issues with appetite loss for the first few weeks, but he eats pretty good now. He has always had eating issues, because he has some sensitivity issues as well, but truthfully, I think he eats more in a weeks time now than he did before we started the Concerta. My husband and I were just talking about it last night as a matter of fact. =)
We do still have some issues with getting him to go to sleep at night. It isn't every night, and he isn't up until the wee hours of the morning, but sometimes it can take him up to an hour to fall asleep. I recently bought a white noise machine and put in his room and that has helped. I think hearing what else was going on in the house was just too interesting to go to sleep and he was focusing on that instead of sleeping. Now that he can't hear it - he falls asleep quickly most nights.
I wouldn't say it was a cure all - he still has moments of difficulty. But overall, the positives GREATLY outweigh the negatives for us. I know there are people on the board who have had trouble with Concerta - it is different for everyone. I mean, we are talking about body chemistry here, and everyone's is different to start with, so everyone is going to react differently. But, for us - it has been a very good thing!
Hope this helps! Let us know how it goes for you!
ilovemyboys - thanks for your prayers! I covet prayers more than just about anything else. =) We have all picked up and gotten on with it - but sometimes when this ADHD threatens to drag me down to the depths, I just remember how grateful I am that my son is here - and somehow the load seems lighter.
Besides - I am now positive that God has a sense of humor. Why else would a woman who is KNOWN for not having a lot of patience be given a son with ADHD? Can we say that "someone" (namely me) is being shown to slow down and smell the roses? LOL!
gatorsmom-How long has your son been on Concerta? We are considering it after trying daytrana. How do you feel about Concerta? Any response appreciated...and anyone else there with concerta...If I'd simply done nothing, I'd feel I'd failed. I know I didn't cause my son's ADHD. It IS tough, because even my husband doesn't yet understand. He still thinks that it can be disciplined out of Joe, or that I didn't spend enough time with Joe because he is the middle child, or that I'm not trying hard enough to discipline consistantly. My son has ADHD, and he takes medication, and the medication thus far is working very well. I know I am doing my best by my son and neither he nor I are failures!MamaCeleste,
I have and had many days of feeling like a failure to my ds. It's a lot to grasp in the beginning especially. The best thing you can do for yourself is to educate yourself. Read and Read...seriously. If YOU don't understand it, how can you expect anyone else to? I still struggle with family and friends being supportive or a lack there of. But my son is my driving force.
There are days of complete praise and a hopeful future...other days are very tough and exhausting for dh, our other boys, me and ds. But FAMILY sticks together, hard days and good. I remind ds that we ALL have hard days and bad decisions...on the flip side, I encourage and praise as much as possible. It is hard, it's no walk in the park that a pill will make the sun shine every day!
These kids take a lot of elbow grease. You can't be a lazy parent and have a successful adhder. that's my opinion. Preparing and being consistent and organized will also help you on this journey.
Keep your chin up, hug your child as much as possible. Soak in the good, it'll help you deal with the rest. But YOU nor YOUR CHILD is a failure.
Gatorsmom, I was very touched by your writing. So sorry for the loss of your niece... your son is blessed to have you and we ARE blessed to have our children. Thank you for the reminder today. My prayers to your family, especially your sister. However, she is indeed being watched by a very special angel!
I have had my days too where I felt despair, depression, even anger at having my beautiful funny boy so lost in the depths of ADHD. Fear at not knowing how to help him, anger that he was born with ADHD, despair at watching him try and interact with others, embarassment at his behavior out in public or with family.
But, I promise you, I wouldn't trade one day of it. Not one - no matter how bad. And here's why.
Eight years ago, on a cold, wintry, dismal day in January, my sister gave birth to a beautiful, healthy and delightful baby girl - a ray of sunshine in the cold - Kaylin. And six months after that - on a beautiful, sunny, warm day in July - my beautiful niece died - with no explanation or reason - and we were all plunged into despair, anger, and grief.
No matter how hard it is to deal with my son, no matter what he breaks, how much he screams, kicks, cries, no matter how much of a struggle I go through to get him to do the simplest taks, no matter how much eating is an issue, no matter how many times he gets out of bed at night, no matter how many behavior reports I get from school or church - at least I can put my arms around him - at least he is here with me.
My sister would give anything to have Kaylin kick, or scream, or tell her that she hates her. And so would I. Because living without her - well, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
So, when the waves of depression, or despair, anger, or even guilt threaten to overwhelm you, remember that there are many mothers out there who would give anything to be in our shoes - just so they could hold their little ones.
First of all, you didn't do anything to "cause" your dd's ADHD. She was
born with it. It is genetic.
I explain adhd to my family this way: I use an analogy I read in a book. I
tell them dd's brain is like a Ferrari engine with Chevy brakes. The
"brakes" need help to stop the engine and the meds help with this. I go
into a brief explanation how dd's neurons need a little help to control her
impulsivity. (I tell them that the meds stimulate the neurons that help her
slow down.) Most people have no idea that ADHD is brain-based, that
the portion of the brain that controls her impulsivity is indeed
compromised. So, there you have it in a nutshell. I may have a few
details wrong, but most people don't realize that adhd is a brain disorder
that affects every area of a person's life. I also mention that adhd kids
lag 20-30% behind their peers in maturity. So, even though dd is 6, she
might act younger. I am lucky that my family gets it.
You have to hang in there and educate, educate, educate. (Both yourself
and loved ones.)
No, but I absolutely thing that the school failed.
Okay, that's not quite honest. I really took it personally when I realized that my son hated school so much, and why. And when the school keeps making stupid decisions about him, I'm mad at myself for not protecting him.
I don't blame myself for the ADHD symptoms because I've seen him make his own decisions, and it's just clear to me that he is his own person and I can't control him. I'm not saying he has a choice, but seeing him make choices helps me realize that I can't influence every part of him, especially something that even he can't control.
And as far as family goes, my mother tries to get me at both ends - it's all my fault that he's not disciplined, but when I discipline him she paints me as some kind of demon not to caudle my son. I can't win, so I don't try.
Hang in there, and good luck. We know what you're going through.
Hello Mama Celeste,
I have found through the years dealing with the ADHD is that you have to stop listening to people who second guess this illness and give their very unwanted 2 cents
. They have no idea how difficult and heart breaking ADHD can be for the parents and children going through it. Has the medicine helped? I was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel once we found the right meds. I also do not tell many people about the ADHD so I do not have to hear their comments. The medicine helps control it to the point that the behaviour issues are no longer extreme and noticed by everyone. I also read many books on ADHD and behavior problems which helped me handle my son very differently then before he was diagonised.
I think most people on this list have beat themselves up and blamed them self for their childrens behavior. You just have to pull your self out of that way of thinking and understand it is not you. If you have not already, read as much as you can about this disorder and It will help when dealing with disipline and avoiding melt downs. If you are not seeing results with the medicine discuss it with your doctor. I believe you are limited on what your daughter can use because of age, but at 6 I think you will have more option for her if needed.
You have to be strong which has been very hard for me. I have always cared way too much about what other people think. I think my son's ADHD has almost cured me of this
.
You will find great support here and take care.
Gail
I don't think I failed, but I DO feel DD's ped failed to recognize her reoccurring strep infections. DD has ADHD caused by PANDAS, she was not born with it, and I feel that if the ped had even once tested for strep it could have all been avoided. We have a new ped now btw. Gatorsmom, I laughed out loud!! I am totally with you on the impatient mother having an ADHHHHHHD/Impulsive son...it could only be that He has a sense of humor. Many times, on bad days, I wonder WHY, but it could simply be to teach me. MamaCeleste, I wonder many days/nights if I am doing ds more harm than good because I just lose it some times. I do cry, he cries, we do scream and fight...it's very hard as we all have mentioned. But if you love your child, the good comes in and takes over. You really have to soak in the good...We had a horrible morning, for instance, but the last five minutes before the bus came-I spent it telling him how much I love him, telling him we'll have a better day after school and then we chit-chatted. You just have to Grab ahold of the moment instead of it grabbing you.Thanks everyone. It's been very helpful. I was having a really hard day yesterday.
Kalynn is on Methylin ER and she's done so well with it. She's still not where she needs to be in school but she's catching up. She will probably have to repeat.
MamaCeleste, My ds is also going to have to repeat. It's alright. In the grand scheme of things, it is by far the least of our worries.
God has a plan for your little girl and it'll all be great. Give yourself some credit...you know, I've considered having a night of 'compliments' for our family. We all have bad days, we all need some encouragement. Sit your family down and have everyone tell something good about each other. Keep your chin up, it's going to smooth out.retention of a grade (especially K or grade 1) can really help boost a childs self esteem. It gives them a chance to "catch up" both acadeimcally and socially. If they'renot delayed academcally I can agree with the argument against it, but if your behind both academically and socially it can only help. SO WHAT if you're older in years...................Right, Diane V! We informed ds he's doing pretty good for a kindergarden age kid in 1st grade, "Think how AWESOME you'll do when you are the OLDER one and in the right grade!" We let him know it was us that put him in the wrong grade in the first place, not because he 'didn't make the cut'. Plus, if you think ahead...it'll be for the best that they're one of the olders. My ds will be 7 in July and would've been in 2nd grade, YIKES! Now, he'll be 7 in 1st (which is his repeat grade). When they're 16, my ds will rely on himself and not others as far as transportation. I feel more confident in my child's driving rather than someone else's. Just little things like that help us tredge onward and upward!!My 5 YO has ADHD and she is currently on Methylin ER. It really was difficult for me to hear that she does indeed have ADHD. I felt like I did something to cause it. My family isn't very supportive and felt that all she needed was a good spanking. My dad called me one time to gripe me out about my parenting, and how he'd "never put up with that".
I feel like all eyes on are on me when she misbehaves.
If you've felt like that, how did you get the confidence that you're doing the right thing with your child, and that you finally felt that it wasn't your fault?
You know - that is one of the hardest parts of dealing with any disability - not just ADHD. I always try and give an extra measure of grace out in public to people I see dealing with their kids who are having some kind of issue.
Example: I was at the grocery store and I came down an aisle where a child was laying in the floor having an all out tantrum. The boy was probably 9 or 10 yrs old - and very obviously autistic. He was blocking the entire aisle. The mother was frantic, trying to get him to stop, or at least move so people could get by. People were staring, and making rude comments - I just stopped, moved my cart over to the side, and waited him out. His mother looked up at me, and apologized to me, and I just told her it was ok - I understood. When I said that, her eyes teared up. And I know exactly what she felt. To have someone understand, that her boy is not a brat, that he can't help himself, and that there isnt anything she can do once it starts - to be understood at a time like that is priceless.
When I went up to the checkout counter, she was in the next line over, and she was having a hard time controlling her son and getting thru the checkout process. I finished paying, pushed my cart over to the side, and asked her if it would be ok if I took her son to a bench that was at the end of her aisle and sat with him and talked to him while she finished. She said it was ok, and her son and I sat and talked until she was done. He stayed calm, and was glad to have someones attention. She came over when she was done and put her arms around me and thanked me for helping her. I again said it was ok - and that I understood, as I had a son with ADHD and had been in her shoes.
I wish everyone could just be understanding, and be nice. Until you walk a mile in the shoes of another, you can't really judge the situation. The best gift you can give them is your understanding, and any help you can provide.
Thanks for listening to me ramble. =)
Wow, gatorsmom,
that brought tears to my eyes. There have been many times I could have used understanding in a time like that. You were that mother's angel that day and her son's.
Randyjim
Next time something like that happens, tell the busybody you are in the middle of a medical emergency and that you are dealing with it. Then, tell him to go away. They will be shocked and hopefully shamed.
Meltdowns in public can be so hard, because of the looks of the uneducated.
Of my three younger children- 6, 8, 9 y/o; I had my 6 y/o repeat k5 and my 9 y/o repeat grade 2. Only my 8 y/o ADHD ODD son has not repeated a grade but I know that he is a year or maybe 8 months behind on math. I will catch him up over the summer and the other two can advance as they want when I homeschool.
BTW- I have to share something only my husband know's because I was so embarrassed about it. I was in the food store during Christmas and Jon was having a melt down. I was on the phone with the doctor because I thought he might be having a seizure also. My other 2 children were running back and forth because they were so upset. This OLD man comes over to me and shouts in a loud LOUD voice- "You need to control your children!!!" I looked at him, excused myself from the phone and said to him in a really LOW snarly voice, "SHUT UP! I'm on the phone" He then screamed out, "What kind of mother are you? If you get off the phone you could watch your rotten kids!" I thought I was going to have a stroke. I was mortified. I think that several people who knew what was going on said something to him because he left the store. But I can't believe how nasty I was to him. I was shaking and didn't get over it for days!!
I fought the diagnosis if ADHD like it was a virus! I was going to fix this thing, and my son was going to be everything I had dreamed about since I knew I was pregnant with him. We did EVERY diet, supplement and he his adenoids/tonsils removed. He had horrible sleep apnea and would stop breathing when asleep and choked often on food. I was sure that after the surgery he would be "fixed" b/c of all the media linking sleep apnea to ADHD behavior, and it made sense to me. No sleep. bad behavior.... But that's not what happened.
I have good days and bad (shared both here). I've on a second wind (okay 12th...but whose counting). I did used to have terrible guilt because I didn't understand why, my gorgeous, sweet, smart, dream-come-true would be given such a burden. I'm a very logical person, and ADHD has no logic in its presentation. I used to feel emabarrased often, not so much now. It took one judgemental old hag to sling her "expertise" my way, and my defending my son (with big words, respect and huge amount of self control) to teach me that the world is no more designed to except my son than a building without a handicap ramp or elevator. I have to bridge the gap for him until he can do it himself. I never would have imagined this would be so hard for him or us. But I wouldn't trade him anything in this world.