I can relate!! My DD (6yo adhd) can have some pretty nasty temper tantrums, that last for quite a while, the screaming, hitting me or her sister, or breaking anything that is within arms reach, and just saying mean and nasty things all together. Sometimes I just get so frustrated with her, that I absolutley have to walk away or I'm going to cause it to esclate even further, and if I leave her alone for a period with nobody around she'll calm down, but it can take up to 20 minutes to so. Doesn't work all the time though, have also done the holding/hugging her until she calms down. Guess I don't have much in the way of advice but I know how it feels.
Thanks, it's nice to not I"m not the only one dealing with this kind of stuff!!This is a topic I am very familiar with as my daughter has done the same things. Those that know her would be totally shocked by some of the things she has done inside our home. Her violent temper is what sent us looking for help with she was 9. Our pediatrician suggested we have her evaluated for ADHD. During this process the pieces to the puzzle started falling into place. After starting meds, we had a fabulous 4th grade year. No temper issues at all.lovemyboys.. I most definatley do not disagree with you when it comes to spanking. I too was brought up in a home where if either my brother or myself deserved a spanking we got it. DD gets spanked, but honestly a lot of the time it makes the situation that much worse, at 6 she's even went as far as to tell me after I spanked her "that didn't hurt". I don't allow her to go around trashing the house, we've went as far as sitting her in a corner and having to stand in front of her so she can't move out of the corner, after about 20 minutes she gets the fact that she's stuck. We've gotten to the point with her though, that after the tantrum is over and she has calmed down she will come and apologize for what she's done, and we disucuss what happened and what went wrong. I think her tantrums are getting fewer now that she's getting older and can express what she wants to say more clearly. I.E.. I don't remember what it was exactly, but I told her that she couldn't have it at that moment (candy before dinner or something) and she looked at me and said very calmly, "mommy that makes me mad!" So we were able to talk about why she was mad, and I explained why candy before dinner wasn't such a great idea, we were able to difuse the situation.
I'm starting to learn that if DD is tired we can expect a tantrum..
What Horsemom said, especially #8. The book "The Explosive Child"All I can think of when I read this is what my dad would say" Spank her butt!". I know thats probably not a very popular answer. When I was little I would throw major temper tantrums and as long as I didn't try to hit anyone or destroy anything I was left to scream and yell on the floor. The few times I did try to hit my parents or throw things, I got my butt spanked. It stopped immediately. I know, I know, you read that spanking just teaches kids to hit,but I feel that in my life that is untrue. I got spanked as a child,but I don't go around hitting others as a child or as an adult. I realized that it was a form of punishment,not a reason to hit others. There is a big difference between spanking as a form of discipline and beating a child. One is abusive,one is not. I have spanked my kids when they really need it, and its stops the behavior. They know they aren't allowed to hit,bite,kick or destroy things. If all I got was hugs and time outs and things taken away from me after the fact, that would not have been enough to stop the tantrum right then. The FEW times my kids,when they were YOUNG, swung at me,they got a quick pop on the butt and didn't do it again. They weren't mad,they didn't hold a grudge,they didnt get vindictive,they didn't go hit someone else. They stopped. There were times as a kid that I didn't do things because I didn't want to get spanked. If I was just sent to time out, whoop-di-do.
I realize there are kids with "disorders" that make it harder for them to control their behavior but I have a really hard time with kids hitting their parents and trashing rooms. Don't turn a kid into a room and then let him trash it. It just would NOT happen at my house! I worry about the fact that there are too many parents that let this happen and the kids grow up without much self control.I've seen it time and time again in our school district. If you can't keep him/her from trashing the room, sit in a chair and hold the kid tight. They might freak out and thrash and scream,but just cooly tell them that you will let them go when they calm down. the real tough ones might go on for a while,but they WILL wear down. Later tell them that you can't allow them to trash the house or hurt other people when they have a tantrum and that you will help them control themselves until they can control it. You have to do it from a young age to stop it then,rather than trying to tackle and hold a 14 yr old,ya know what I mean?
We had a child in our neighborhood that would throw these huge tantrums,screaming crying,hitting trashing the house,etc whenever things went wrong. The whole house was in turmoil over this one child. Yes,he was on medication also. He either didn't get his way or "something "else started it. he was diagnosed with adhd and bipolar. This kid KNEW he had the "power" to control his whole family with his tantrums. They took some parenting classes because he was about to be thrown out of school for the same type of behavior there too. Anyway,they tried what I suggested above......occasional spanking mixed with holding him tightly (not roughly or abusively) until he calmed down. He did calm down. It took a while, several several trials of this.BUT it did work, He finally learned that he had a right to his emotions but that he could not trash the house or hurt others and that he could,with help at first, control it. And that his family wasn't going to be held hostage by his rages any longer. You cant talk a kid out of a tantrum. When he would run at someone to hurt them,or start throwing things, he was immediately either spanked on the butt and told to stop or held in a chair until he calmed down. Good news is,he hasn't had a tantrum for MONTHS....and now when he gets mad,they just say...do you need help getting in control? The worse he does is stomp off to his bedroom. They can live with that.
Please don't jump all over me for my views. I have a son with adhd but he doesn't have tantrums. Maybe because I didn't let him flip out when he was young,I don't know. I just feel that if they are even ALLOWED to have those types of tantrums,even if there are consequences afterwards,they are going to keep doing it. I live in a rural farming area and this type of parenting is the NORM, so to ME...letting a child act like this is just not something we do. I've seen what happens when kids are allowed. It hurts the kids, big time, in the end.
You really can not talk a kid out/reason with a kid having a tantrum. You have to take control and help him get control back. Can you imagine a child never learning how to control it on his own? And then becoming an adult and acting like this???? EEK! Who is to stop a tantrum if you aren't around if they don't learn to do it themselves??
ADHD( or whatever) shouldn't be an excuse for this type of behavior. I just feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I see parents letting their kids do this. I've seen what can happen down the road.
I think the big thing is that you have to start this from the beginning. From the very first tantrum. Nip it in the butt then. It would be a LOT LOT harder to nip it in the butt when they are 10 or 14. Not impossible,but much easier at age 2-3....
Good luck. jUst giving another viewpoint. Probably not a popular viewpoint,but hopefully not offensive to anyone.
By the way, I haven't had to spank my kids in years....and my parents didn't have to after a certain age either.....so its not like I"m going around spanking my teenage sons(who are now bigger than me). NOW we use natural consequences. But nat conseq. wouldn't have been effective(or at least not NEARLY)effective during a tantrum.
And yes,medication can help but they still have to get control of themselves regardless. If you haven't tried this method...it may not work well the first time,but be consistent...it will. If they have had "free reign' on tantrums for quite a few years,they are going to be "ticked" that they can't do it anymore :)
I guess what I'm trying to say is that EVERY family member has the right to be safe in their own home and if there is a child that is hitting/biting/scratching everyone, then it has to stop........not just letting it happen and then give consequences after the fact. Someone could get seriously hurt.
Hi you have to be very careful at approaching issues when kids are in a full on state. I find sometimes you have to back off and try to resolve the issue at a later date when you can sit and talk calmly about what started the child off in the first place. Some people say this type of behaviour should never be tolerated bur I feel sometimes it has to be. I put my foot down with my 14 year old on monday when she wanted to go out with her friends. She has a broken ankle (caused by a bout of aggression with a doorpost) and wanted to go out walking about with her friends without her crutches. She was told not to weight bear on the cast but that went in one ear and out the other. She screamed shouted threw things attacked anybody in range and this went on all afternoon and into the evening. By 9 she seemed to have calmed down but half an hour later I heard the front door shut. I finally found her 3 hours later 5 miles away at a boyfriends house. I thought I would write this just to say how important it is to pick your battles at the right time.Lovemykids, if you could teach your son to not have tantrums, why couldn't
I don't have time to finish reading as I have to go to work but I do have a question. I have read many parents here say that they grab their child and hold them till they calm down when they are having a "meltdown or tantrum", That would never work for me because when my boy is upset or angry he is a "touch me not" It would make him even angrier if I tried to do that while he was mad. Luckily I don't have to deal with this like some of you do. The worst thing I deal with right now is rebound and if I keep an eye on him and pay attention I can stop most of the fits from happening.
I hope things do get better for ya'll. I don't really know what I would do if I had to deal with that all the time like that.
Tracie