Please help - don’t really "like" him... | ADHD Information

Does anybody else feel this way? My 4-year-old (diagnosed severe ADHD) is SOOOOO challenging. I can't get through an hour without some kind of tantrum. I've started hating the thought of spending any time at all with him. His impulse control is awful and when he doesn't get his way, he's just a lunatic. He's very controlling - things like "Mommy turn on my shows" - "you're brother will do it" - "No YOU do it" - then screaming, throwing things, etc. Nothing seems to really work for him - timeouts don't work, putting him in his room doesn't work - you just have to ride it out until he decides he's done.

The other day he decided in the grocery store parking lot that he didn't feel like shopping with me, even though we had discussed it all the way to the store and we only needed ONE thing. He got out of the car, walked two steps, then said, "I'll wait in the car". Um, no... you're FOUR. They don't let you do that. So he sits down IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARKING LOT and crosses his arms in protest. I pick him up and carry him into the store and he's screaming and kicking - kicked me so hard in the shin that I have a giant welt there still. (No, I can't afford a babysitter EVERY time I need to go shopping!) You never know what he'll react to and when you'll be humiliated in public.

He can be very sweet and funny, but he's like a ticking time bomb and you don't know what will set him off. He is medicated now, but the dexadrine only lasts him from about 8-3. He is better when he's taking the meds, but what do I do for the REST of the day?

Oh, and he's still not sleeping. I never seem to get a break. I feel horrible that I'm counting the days until he goes to college. When will things get easier?

Let me just say that I can totally relate to you and I have to admit that I have avoided my child. I put him in day care and left him there longer that I had to during the day. We stopped eating out at restaurants because of his bad behavior. Even now, at the age of 7 1/2, we cannot have friends over and enjoy summer activities like cook outs etc because he upsets other children and cannot behave himself. I have actually thought about sending him to military school after he turns 11 or 12 to help aleviate the stress in the household!!! ( how is that for a bad mother).

Now, I try very hard with him to get him under control and it is not always easy and he has his moments!!! Some behaviors though, I found out are not adhd!!!! Example: son threw a tantrum at walmart christmas of 2006 and screamed at the register for 5 minutes( I wouldnt give him a sucker). Everyone was staring at us but I refused to give in and I had given plenty of warnings to him about consequences when we left the store. Nothing happenned. Then, we left the store and he immediately stopped crying in the car and told me he was sorry and asked could he skip his punishment ( now I hear the bells going off ding ding). I was getting played and this was his age, not the ADHD.

Just hang in there are remember, you can love someone without liking them!!!!

I know how that feels. I actually told my mother once in a fit of tears that I just didn't have what it took to be my son's mother. It hurts, it feels like guilt, and failure and shame. But, you AREN'T a bad mother - you are just a mother of an ADHD child. And no one who hasn't been in our shoes can even begin to understand what that is like.

I would talk to the dr about your son's meds. My son is on Concerta, and we have seen DRAMATIC improvement. I have heard several on the board talk about problems after the meds wear off, and there was some medicine that was like 4 hours that you could give them during that time. I am unfamiliar with what it is - anyone else help here?

Keep your head up - I know it is easy to sink into despair. You aren't a bad mother, you are just trying to make it through some rough roads without a map. We all are. And we feel your pain. BIG HUGS to you.

Sorry for you -this brings back traumatic memories for me I prefer to forget. My son is 17 now. Everything takes so long to sink in, and for me it was best to stick to a plan even though it doesn't seem to work. It doesn't seem to work because it takes a long time to get rid of certain behaviors. Anyways time outs do work over the long term, as everything is with these kids. Good luck, and babysitting in malls is a great way to get a break. I used it when I was ready to do or say something negative. I also left when the husband got home and went out to read and drink coffee till I felt calmer, or even waited till child was in bed and went home. I dreaded mornings and sometimes dreaded coming home from work, because the battle over everything would be on. Things aren't perfect with a 17 year old but he's going to college soon and we did make through the rough years. The behav. plan was consistent, I became a pro at pretending what he did didn't bother me, and to let the consequence (be brief, fit the crime, and was predictable every time for years). He's overall a good kid, with differences and immaturity.

Sounds like you are exercising lots of forethought and patience and do have interventions in place; even so, I realize it is still challenging with active preschoolers. I have always heard that being consistent in disciplining is key, but, hey, sometimes it takes lots of energy and self-discipline for us parents to follow through every single time; well, at least that has been my experience!

Have you seen the marble system for discipline posted at the top of this forum? Sounds like a good idea. Have you thought about discussing this with the physician who prescribed the dexadrine? Perhaps he/she will be able to help; may be medication related?

Some things you have mentioned in your post take me back to when my kids were preschoolers. Shopping, eating out, etc., were always big challenges for us. I truly can relate. Almost always, I had no one to babysit during those trips either. Some of our local supermarkets have a monitored (sign in/sign out) play area for young kids, where parents can leave kids while they shop. Do you have anything like this available where you live?

Good luck to you.

Yes, I can relate to you- sometimes I pray for the day to end and he will be asleep. Jon was diagnosed at 4 also and now he is 8 1/2. I don't know if a pediatrician or specialist diagnosed your son, but a specialist should be monitoring his progress and meds. You can ask your pediatrician for the names of some specialists-psychiatrits, neurologists etc and if he doesn't know tell him to find out.

Jon was taking meds 3 times a day and over the years his meds stopped working and they would get changed over and over again. We are working on other possible dx's now but right now you need a LOT of encuoragement. You are NOT a bad mom to feel the way you do. You are stressed and worried about your son. Call your doctor and tell him about the no sleeping (the meds for ADHD are stimulants and impede sleep), and the blow ups in the afternoons. It sounds as if the meds need to be adjusted/changed but only your doctor can do that.

ADHD kids are like that- every day is a surprise. But know that if you are feeling this way, imagine how he feels when he has a tantrum and loses control. It is a very frightening and tiring thing for a small child. And the anxiety he feels makes his behavior worse. It can be a vicious cycle.

There is a great book about discipline called 1-2-3 Magic. Try to detach your emotions when he is disciplined. He needs to see that YOU are in control even if you don't feel that way. You don't say if you are married, but if you are, have your husband watch your son while you go shopping.

You say putting him in his room doesn't work. It can work if he can't get hurt. Get earplugs, put the timer on for 5 minutes and then see if he has calmed down. If not, put the timer on for 5 more minutes etc until he is calm. You can listen to music, go on the computer, read a book etc. This will give you a kind of break.

Keep posting and reading and you will find everyone to be caring and helpful. God bless and good luck.

randyjim39540.4011111111

Oh can I ever relate to this. We haven't been to church in years because I could not "controll" my kids. We avioded all get togethers, birthday parties and restaurants.

It is some better since ds was diagnosed and started meds but it is not a cureall. We have to be so consistent w/discipline. And he pushes constantly to get more leeway.....

Honestly, if I didn't take prozac I do not think I could handle my stress. At one time I also had to take lorazapam for anxiety.

I am just taking it day by day and trying to be the best parent I can -- just like you.

Thanks so much for all the replies. It sure helps to know I'm not alone!

We are actually in the middle of a med change this week, so maybe he's been extra hard to take because of that. He takes dexadrine (generic aderall) at 8 and at 12, but it only lasts about 3-1/2 - 4 hours. After that it is REALLY clear when it wears off (and it's almost INSTANT!). He hasn't been a big sleeper even before the stims and I can honestly say it hasn't gotten WORSE because of them, but I haven't had a full night's sleep in about three years. This adds to my stress, I'm sure! We tried melatonin - opposite effect! We also tried clonidine, and it helped him wind down and FALL asleep faster, but then he was up every couple hours. We're now trying risperdal in the evening, but it's only been three days now, so I'm not sure if it's working or not... We do have a WONDERFUL pediatric behavioral psychiatrist who responds almost instantly to e-mails.

I don't know if anybody's tried this yet, but I just received the "Calm Parenting" CDs from Kirk Martin, which are very specific to ADHD. I'm REALLY hoping to find some good tips. I also picked up "The Explosive Child" from the library after our psychiatrist recommended it, so hopefully one of these things will help.

I just keep hoping with every year that goes by it gets easier, but so far it's just been getting more difficult. It seems as he gets older he should be MORE able to control himself and learn from his mistakes, but that doesn't seem to be true! I never expected parenthood to be so much CONSTANT work!

Thank God my other one is EASY!

He will improve. My kids were both terrible at 4. Very oppositional and they both are well-behaved now. We had more tantrums at 4 than at age 2.

I know your probably a great mom but these kids sometimes require EXTRA parenting skills that our moms didn't teach us. Give him tons of positive reinforcement when he does something right. That's why the marble or sticker systems work well. Be very consistent with bad behavior. Time out on my lap facing away was my favorite for preschool times. Tell the doc how resentful you are feeling and ask about a referral to a psychologist to learn more parenting skills.

Wow...I just wanted to post again to say what a wonderful group of people are here, including the OP! In retrospect, had I not found this forum, I would really have missed a lot of good info from caring, supportive, and informed people.

Yes, my kids are older, and fortunately we made it through the early years. However, just wanted to add that "hindsight is 20/20," so, it's certainly much easier (at least for me) to recognize things/be objective in the calm after the storm!

Enjoy them while they're young (yes, I know, it's tough some times) for they really do grow up fast, as some parents already know!

crazymadsmom-sounds like I had the same day as you today. I got in my car by myself and said awful things about my 5 year old to myself of course but I felt better after I vented out loud. They can really get under your skin. Everyone has given excellent advise and I enjoyed reading the posts from the mothers of the older children that made it through this. I need to take the advice of tuning the tantrums out sometimes I think my behavior makes them worse. My son just started meds after trying every other alternative under the sun. He is on his third med and when he comes off of them it is not a pretty sight. I have found that Peter Gillham's natural calm powder magnesium really helps and gets him back to a more manageable state. You might want to ask your doctor if this could be helpful for your child. I got it in our local health food store. Just a suggestion I know how hard it can be when the meds wear off. Oh and you are a WONDERFUL mother!!
Sherri

< =text/>_popupControl(); Oh,my, fourteen more years of counting down?? You definately need some coping strategies!!! Some of mine are (and may not be too popular):

1. Bribery. Let's not take the moral high road here. When it's so difficult that you can't stand the idea of spending time with the child, it's time to sweeten him with ANYTHING!! When he's older, you can start cutting back.

2. Shut off. Shut off your emotions, your ears, and your "why me" button. A tantrum won't kill him and may even show him that you're not his servant. Treat that screaming like white noise. Any "I hate you's", "you're so mean", or such are just a frustrated last ditch effort to get control. Live for the day when he says,"Mom, I know you did what you thought was best." (I am!! How much longer do I have to wait?)

3. Strip his room down, threaten dire consequences, then "give in" and let him choose a few things to keep in his room. He'll feel powerful and you'll have some serious threatening room. If you took most of the stuff away, why wouldn't he think you'll take it all?

4. Join a support group. Chances are you'll hear some great advice and probably meet someone who has it "worse" then you, which is really a perverse sort of pick-me-up.

Good luck!

I just wanted to give you a small bit of info. about the dexadrine...My son, 9, was on Adderall XR with great results, but the cost was killing us finacially. He was switched to the dexadrine CR, which is an extended release...it goes for 24 hours. It actually seemed to work better than the Adderall. He also takes a super DHA (EPA) which helps a lot. At bed time he takes clonedine, not to sleep but to control his impulses during the day. And finially, he takes Benedryl at night to sleep, it is none habit forming and can be used every night. The melatonin didn't do a thing. Just thought the extended release info might help.

Hi,

My ds is 8 now but when he was 4 he had similar days. I went back to work early because I couldn't provid the structure he needed. I found a great daycare and they had all the structure he needed. He was forced to lie down for an hour every day. He never napped but he did it. We had some trying days but just having time with grown ups made it doable for me. Also my dh got more involved.

Good luck!

I DEFINATLY KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. MY 9 YEAR OLD UNTIL RECENTLY COULD NOT GO INTO PUBLIC WITH ME AS HE WOULD ACT INSANE AND I WOULD HAVE TO REMOVE HIM. NOW HE IS ON VYVANSE AND IT LASTS A LITTLE LONGER THAN THE OTHERS AND I HAVE LESS STRESS(I ALSO TAKE LEXAPRO FOR THE STRESS)HE IS ALSO ON ZOLOFT FOR MOODS, WE GIVE MELATONIN TO SLEEP AND THAT WORKS GREAT FOR US.

STILL GETTING TEMPER CRAP BUT WE HAVE NAILED THAT TO A PARENTING ISSUE BETWEEN MY HUBBY AND MYSELF AND WE ARE WORKING ON IT TO PROVIDE A MORE CONSISTANT AIR ABOUT THE HOUSE.

Do you see a good psychologist? One can help with behavior mod. I love mine for he does things unconventionally and it works for my girl. I will report back next week for my psychologist wrote a book and I think it is out and once I buy it and begin reading I will post.

For now can you wait to shop when your spouse is home? Do you have any family to help? You can try a reward system with your son discuss the rules of shopping and what you expect of him make a chart with stickers he can earn start out giving some leeway so it stays positive so with that what is his favorite thing. An example would be 30 minutes of TV time every time you have to speak to him he can lose 5 minutes and if he loses all time then no sticker. Also bear in mind our psychologist told us if you are discipling time and time again for a certain behavior and no results that can mean they truly cannot control themselves. What you need is a break then you can appreciate what you have.

Reta,

I'm thrilled that your church was so supportive.

mamark39545.1382638889

OMG-This is so therapeuatuc that I am not the only one out there!! My freinds all have these perfect kids and I have an ADHD/BP 6 yr old that is so horrible that I want to give him away sometimes! Really, just leave him in Walmart for the next sucker. He is the cutest kid you ever wanted to see, but makes me feel like the worst parent on the face of the earth. But, really, I love this kid and want him to be ok and my skills (where is the book on this??????) are lacking. It is nice to see other in the same place as me. I have a 10 year old that turned out (so far) ok. Where did I go wrong with this one? Kris

is it me, or did our parents make this parenting thing look so much easier? I am so glad I joined so that I am able to witness that i am not the only parent at my wits end sometimes. There are days when I just wonder why they are so evil......
It has helped me alot to repeat in my head that they cant control it anymore than i wish they could control it. I was getting caught up in guilt, that I am just such a bad parent, that I cannot make my kids listen to me, or settle down, or at least quit doing back flips on my bed long enough to put pj's on. But, I bet in their little heads, they want to control it and dont understand why they cant, as much as I want them to, and cant understand why they cant either. Which is why they are fortunate to have parents, like us, that will vent on sites like this, to other parents. Because we love our children, and wish we had the power to make things easy for them. In the meantime, we take it one day at a time

Boy!!!!!! Does this still bring back memories. My son is 12 and still can be a pain. I stopped taking with me to the store because of his behavior. I left him at home with Dad or made sure I shopped during the day when he was at school. We still have problems shopping. He will get his item and then want to pay and leave the store. We have started letting him go sit in the car. Often, I tell him that Mom shops first, then it is his turn.

Bribery was one of the things I used when he was very little. In the grocery store, I would get a bag of Craisins or a box of animal crackers for him to eat while we shopped. It was great when a Matchbox car would please him. Now, he only wants the expensive items.

We are not bad moms. Our children just get overwhelmed by stores and lose it.

I continued going to church. I started teaching Sunday School so that I was there and could handle the situtations. The ladies at church often chuckle when they recount watching me dive across a pew, only to see a little blonde head pop up at the far end. I walked miles down the side and the back of the church during the service to keep him quiet and me in there.

For a while I did put him the nursery for the first part of the service, I would go in to get him before Communion. We would come in the side door and many times I would have to run to catch him before ran up front. The deacon once remarked to me that she wished more people felt that excitement about Communion.

We are Episcopalians, which means we have bread and wine for Communion. My greatest fear at church was what would happen the first time he drank the wine. My fear was that he would spit the wine back in the chalice and make some loud comment. Instead, he asked for seconds. The deacon calmly told him no.

I needed this thread this morning. Thanks to all of you.

In my situation, I'm raising a STEPchild who is severe ADHD. We have full custody of her - her mom lives in another state. She's a beautiful child, huge green eyes, loves small children (especially babies), adores her little brother (my first child), really tries to please and can be so sweet sometimes, but HOLY MOLY she drives me absolutely insane. There are many times when I secretly wish she lived with her mom. I feel horribly guilty sometimes for feeling that way, and it helps so much to read all of the posts here and know that it's okay.

Much love to all.

I have two adhd kids and though I love them dearly, some days they absolutely drive me crazy! Yesterday after school they asked if they could go to tour neighbors and play until dinner (about 20 minutes) i asked the neighbor's mom if it was ok - and she said no problem. 15 minutes later I go to check on them and they are racing around the yard in the neighbors brand new battery operated jeep - one was hanging off the back the other was driving like a maniac trying to shake her sister and almost flipped it over. After yelling at them for a few minutes to get off the jeep before you break it (and totally being ignored) I had to physically pull them off the jeep - yelling at bothof them all the way the home. Aghhhhh! They make me SO mad sometimes!!! (don't think they will be invited over the neighbors again either!)

Remember to take time for yourself. Seriously, I have gone without sleep so I can have some "down time" when I don't have to deal with everything. If I didn't take the time to soak in a bath and read a magazine or something similar, I'd go mad. I have yelled at my son to leave me alone. "Mommy needs a time-out!" Going through hell with his school gives me an outlet for my anger, which I feel is completely justified, so maybe that's the silver lining to everything we've been through. It's all part of some sick plan.

I found this thread at a great time. It was another exasperating evening with my son. He's so wonderful when the stimulant is in his sytem. Lately, though, he's been so awful without it -- saying horrible things, damaging our property, hitting/kicking/tripping. I've decided that it's time to talk to the dr. about a PM booster dose. Hopefully he'll need it only during pollen season, for that's when the ADHD always is at its worst. Regardless, I need answers soon!

Mom2ADHDboy39549.7575694444I am like this with my son as well. I am still learning how to deal with him. The doctor told me I have been raising a 4 year old for the past 3 years. My son acts the same way and yes, it is frustrating. Every little thing is an argument... I need to go buy something, puts up a fit, i if i ask him to pick up the book that dropped when he took out the other book, fit. He hasn't gotten physical on me like that, but there are times when he will hit me. He cries a lot and whines and he REALLY embarrasses me in public. It's almost like he does it on purpose... he may have ADHD, but he's not stupid! Kids learn to manipulate very young... but as some people suggested, try to get a break if you can. You won't always be able to and I understand, my husband is in the military and i have no trustable people here, so i have my son ALL THE TIME, and I don't really like being around him either... and i tell him that. That he is making me not want to be around him. I walk away from him and lock myself in my room for 5 minutes and give MYSELF a time out! I know he's 4 and he may not be safe if left alone, but make a space maybe where it's safe for him and NOT FUN AT ALL... and leave him there while you take a break. Sometimes we need to just step away from the situation and collect ourselves. I feel your pain, good luck to you!

Ok, I fit right in here. I'm one of "those" moms. Yes, I actually hide from my children and avoid them when they get to be too overwhelming. And I have also uttered the dreaded "I'm just not cut out to be a mother, what have I done?" "I should have just stuck with cats." And so on....on more than one occassion.

Only half joking, I tell my friends that I cope with two ADHD children by being a cross between Joan Crawford and June Cleaver (hmm, I'm dating myself here for the younger generation who don't know these hollywood/TV moms). But that really is how I feel during some of those moments when it all gets to be too much and I feel like I'm going to fall apart (I call it "Going Joan"). Then things calm down, June steps in and goes and makes jello for dessert (with mandarin oranges for that special touch) and everyone is happy again, for the time being.

And just so you realize there are others out there who not only feel the same, but perhaps stronger.... I left my family over the Thanksgiving holiday and went and spent two nights away with a girlfriend-just so I could regain some of my sanity (I have a lovely DH).

We all do what we gotta do to get through the day. Sometimes that involves not being thrilled with being a mom. Sometimes that involves embracing your inner Joan and making peace with it. Laughing at yourself helps a lot, I find. So does coming here. Wish I had found this place years ago!

Momtotwo39548.4690625[QUOTE=Momtotwo]

[/QUOTE]

OK...............LOVE this .

I know, I know, I've dated myself too............

Diane V39548.4686689815

Momtotwo: I must say, you made my day! Got a good belly laugh in the middle of an otherwise frustrating afternoon (and not frustrating because of my kids - they're not at home now, so they're off the hook!)

Your post says it all. Definitely can relate to the Joan/June stuff (yeah, I've been around for awhile)!

Boy, was it a relief to read this thread. I have an 11 year old with ADHD and ODD. While I love him very much, much of the time I just don't like him very much. He is very bright, sometimes immature and is particularly negative towards me. I think some of the hostility is the ODD and some is just the lousy way I often react to him. It's embarrassing to admit but more times than I care to recall I've yelled at him and tole him he's nuts and that I can't stand to be around him and that I can't wait until he graduates from HS so I can get rid of him. Can you blame him for not liking me much-I don't like me much when I act that way. The guilt I feel is sometimes overwhelming but I try not to beat myself up too much. I wake up each day with the goal to be nice for just that day. Often I don't succeed, but sometimes I do. Mornings are particularly hard, as it takes a bit for the meds to kick in (Adderall and Tenex. Both seem to be quite effective in helping concentration and impulsivity. The Tenex was supposed to be for the ODD but I don't think it helps that condition much. It does help with sleep, appetite, tic control-from the Adderall- and the combination of the 2 seems to have really made a difference at school). At his most recent med check the pediatrician said that I may need to accept the fact that we may never be as close as I'd like. He said that just because 2 people are related doesn't mean they will like each other. Even Moms and kids. You can love someone but not like them. His personality is so fundamentally different from mine. He is much more like his Dad and they get along very well most of the time. It doesn't halp that I compare him to his 16 year old sister who is mature, responsible and a parent's dream. His 5 year old brother is fun and precocious and except for the usual 5 year old tantrums, very well behaved. I'll keep doing the best I can and hope that things can get better.

Dear Incbert. I have never said anything negative in this forum (or any other either) so I will not start now. I feel so badly for you. First: you don't have to like your son but I believe every person is deserving of respect. You say you are trying not to beat yourself up about the things you say to him but that is what I am hearing in your post.

You and your husband are your children's champions and they want to believe the sun rises and sets on you. I know first hand how difficult it can be to live with a child with adhd and odd and even a child misdiagnosed bp with the medications making him into 'an animal' (that was the psychologist's description, not mine.)

Please get an appointment with your doctor- perhaps anti-anxiety meds for you will help you deal with your son. It helps me. My doctor precribed Xanax and that is in addition to cymbalta (lexapro stopped working after a year). In addition, check if your insurance would cover counseling for your son and yourself. You made it this far with him and it CAN get much better.

Best of luck- I'm praying for you and your son.

[QUOTE=CrazyMadsMom]

Oh, and he's still not sleeping. I never seem to get a break. I feel horrible that I'm counting the days until he goes to college. When will things get easier?

[/QUOTE]

When I first read the heading, I thought for sure you would be crushed by people judging you. Nice that the opposite seems to have happened.

I will give you my two cents. When my son was that age, no one in my life understood what I was dealing with. They would have him 2 hours prior to bed, when he had spent the whole day making me want to pull my hair out and he had calmed down quite a bit, and think I was just a bad mom. It made me want to kill them, with him.

My son is now 13. Due to him having other issues, I feel like it hasn't gotten much easier. I don't have crying fits in the store anymore - he now is old enough to wait in the car. He refuses to come in with me. (I wonder what the deal is with that?)
He sleeps through the night - or at least doesn't wake me if he wakes up.

Other than that, he is like a large baby. He needs constant supervision or nothing gets done.

I feel guilty myself when I think that my child's youth is my sentence. I have 5 more years to go is how I feel. It is wrong. I know it is wrong. But he is such a challenge to me, someone who needs her own help, I don't know how else to feel. I hide this as best as one can. Although at times, my temper is not in check.

I have been told that there is something called "mirroring" that occurs with even very young children. If he angers you, you are mirroring this back to him with your temper, and it continues.

If you instead act the way you want him to "mirror" when he angers you, it will help some. Anger begets more anger. Kindness hopefully will do the same.

I pray they find a cure for this one day as even the meds they have now only act as a band aid.

I hope your days are easier.

Interesting that I found this thread this evening. As we put my 6y/o son to bed tonight he was having a mild tantrum about something and refused to give my wife a kiss goodnight. So she walked out of the room and then the tantrum shifted to not being able to tell Mommy goodnight. I snapped at him that if he would stop acting like a baby things would go smoother at bedtime. Then I walked out. Then the guilt set in. I thought about that exchange and all the other ones we'd had recently and realized my parents never spoke to me like that.

An ugly tone has slipped into the way we speak to him. My wife and I see it in each other. We have a beautiful and gentle 3 y/o girl too. We treat her entirely differently. It feels like most of our interaction with my DS is negative. With her it is all hugs, kisses and loving. I start everyday telling myself I will love him so much today he'll just burst. Then he refuses to sit for breakfast, can't stay focused on getting dressed, pours milk on some kid at school, etc. BY afternoon, when I just want to play a little catch, he can't focus on any one thing for more than 60 seconds. "Can't you just play catch with your Dad for 5 minutes!?" The ugly tone comes back and worsens until bedtime. Then I'm just relieved to have him asleep.

CrazyMadsMom, I'm sure you figured it out by now you are not alone. I'm a full time stay-at-home-Dad and I want you to know that a guy can feel just the same as you. I always pictured fatherhood as taking my boy to soccer practice and cheering him on at T-ball. We tried some of it and it's just not going to happen. That takes a kind of focus and patience I just don't think he'll ever have. (It's more likely I'll be cheering my dd on at soccer.) There's a resentment under the surface about missing out on these father-son things that I hate.

My wife works and she has told me several times she almost doesn't want to come home. I say, "Stay there! Save yourself!" Just kidding. I say get your butt home and give me a break.

Reading this thread helped me and I hope it helps you. I'm going to get up tomorrow and try harder. I just finished 1-2-3 Magic and there are some more tips from it I'm going to try. I'm going to find different father-son things that suit US.

He's six, and while he's reading at a middle school level, he can barely write legibly because of poor motor skills. But this afternoon he scratched out "I love you" on a post-it note and stuck it on the fridge. I'm going to think about that as I go to sleep and then I'll start tomorrow a better parent.

PS.> Those of you who seem to think this ends at age 18... dream on. My brother was ADHD and he's now 52. He still causes my 70-something parents much grief.

Oh, ProDad, that's not very encouraging about your brother. I was hoping that it gets dramatically better at some point.

I think that only someone with an ADHD kid can imagine what other parents of ADHD kids are going through. If I had only my very sweet, gentle, verbal daughter, I would probably also think that out-of-control kids just had bad parents. My son is my slice of humble pie. He has made me very compassionate -- unfortunately, not always toward him.

Just tonight I felt like I was going to lose my mind. My husband is out-of-town on business (for two weeks!) and I was trying to get both kids to bed in order to do some work around the house as well as get in a little relaxation. The 2-year-old was easy, as always -- it's the one with ADHD who is already 8 and still can't get ready for bed that makes me insane. When his medication has worn off, it's impossible to get through to him. The lights are on but nobody's home, except for a demanding little tyrant who wants his orange juice NOW or screams at me to come upstairs NOW. I try to hold on to my memory of the rest of the day, when his medication is working, and respond accordingly, but I can't even get his attention. He is a completely different kid on and off medication, and I remember those 4-year-old days prior to a formal diagnosis. I thought that I would never make it to his college years. Pre-diagnosis is really the worst time, and it does get better after that. It just never gets perfect, which is the hard part.

I wonder about the pain and agony families with ADHD kids went through for the thousands of years before a medical understanding of it and medications. It must have been horrible -- abused kids, dehumanized parents. Many generations thought that beatings were the answer to everything. Can you imagine that philosophy with an ADHD kid? Horrible. That's how I remind myself that it could be worse. At least there is help available now, including other parents on the internet to turn to in the middle of the night!

I love my son more than life but there are many days that I just don't want to be around him. I have wondered and even asked my hubby if its me but I know now that it isn't. I don't know why but it is so comforting to know that I am not the only mom out there battling this. It also great to hear from moms of older kids saying that it will get better. I need that glimmer of hope these days!

You all do not know how much better I feel reading your stories. I LOVE my 7 1/2 year old son to death but there are days when I dream what life would be like without him and I always feel guilty about it. I have a 4 year old that is perfect, gets along with everyone, plays fair, shares, sweet natured, loves to snuggle, happy being anywhere as long as he is with us.

Then I have to deal with my other son. He gets on everyone's nerves, talks non-stop and drives everyone crazy, whines comstantly, struggles with everything, wakes up in a bad mood and finds something to complain about every morning and every night. I always wondered what I was doing wrong with him, how I deserved him.

I Love this child more than life but do not like his personality or behavior and there is nothing I can do. I too start off the day saying I will be better and am reduced to losing my temper. I do find that I am easier to lose my temper on him that the younger one but he pushes my buttons like crazy. I do daydream what it would be like if I only had one child, how much less stress there would be.

I only realize now that those thoughts do not make me a bad mother, just a human being.

I agreee with reruho. It DOES get better. We are all helping our kids learn coping skills and how to get by. Which is why we are feeling so much frustration. We wouldnt feel it if we werent trying.

My daughter is 13, almost 14. She has ADHD with coexisitng LD and although she may need us a safety net for a long time, I am still confident we are doing everything, and I mean EVERYTHING we can to help encourage her to be an independant adult. If she needs us in the background so be it. I also "lose it" with her most days. I too have a younger daughter, she is far form perfect either, but we can interact and we can have enjoyable whole days together without her doing something to push me over the edge, that generally doesnt happen with my oldest. There's not much you can do about it, they are who they are and we are who we are. We're all doing the right thing by waking up every day and at least saying we're going to start over, and trying. everyone here is trying.

In hindsight, my daughter has grown SO much in the years since her diagnosis and with the help of behavior plans and meds.

Prodad,

I am almost 52 and I understand about your brother. My ADHD was never treated but I was the least affect one of three children. Your brother is probably a pain because he didn't get the right type of treatment nor did he learn the coping skills he needed. He and I grew up with a lot of negative attitudes. Your parents may also feel guilty because they failed him. (My mother feels a great deal of guilt when we talk about this.) Unlike you, they did not know what the problem was or how to help. Also, your brother could have comorbidity like depression, my younger brother does. Comorbidities are common but very few doctors mention that to you in the beginning. It is something you learn later, sometimes the hard way. My son is mildly depressed and is on a mood stabilzer, it has helped to reduce his anger.

This might sound crazy but you might want to give your kids a shot of caffeine in the afternoon as a bridge. It is called the paradox effect,and this is why stimulant work for ADHDers. Fix them a protein shake with a cold flavored coffee. 100 mg of caffeine is roughly the same as 5 mg of Ritalin. Try it on the weekend. I found that coffee had a calming effect on my son but he doesn't like the taste. Did you wonder why ADHDers drink so much Mountain Dew? It has something like 52 mg of caffeine in 8 ozs.

I also found that a protein snack right after school helped with rebound. My son tends to eat very little during the day, so he is all whacked out late in the afternoon. I push protein and calorie dense snacks all day long.

I have just told him for the umpteenth time to go to bed. We are homeschoolers and we are at the end of the year. He has a friend over tonight. I had to threaten him with his friend not being able to spend the night if they did not go to bed. It seems to have worked for now.

Remember, it can get better. I am starting to like my 12 year old son a lot more. The new problem at 12 is that he doesn't think he needs to takes his meds. I don't give him a choice--I wake him up with a glass of water in one hand and his meds in the other. So far, so good.

(I have been telling them to go to bed for an hour. Next time I go up them, his friend is going home.)

reruho39560.279849537

Prodad,

It does indeed seem that our sons are very much alike. The 2 weeks prior to my son starting medication, I felt exactly like you do. I couldn't catch my son being good to praise him, because every second of every day was a struggle. I didn't want to be around him at all and I couldn't wait for him to go to bed. I even said to my mother that I didn't have what it took to raise my son. I cried every day, and said to my husband that it was killing me to have to let go of all the dreams I had for him, because there was no way they were ever going to happen.

Every day was negative. Us constantly on his case for not behaving, bad reports at school, and church. The tone of voice was awful. The constant punishment, and being in trouble. And I felt horrible about it. I knew it was slowly killing the spirit of my little boy. But no matter how much I tried not to do it, we fell back into the same old thing, because the behaviors never changed.

Then he started meds. For us, it was a last resort. I had tried every behavior modification system, diet changes, supplements, natural remedies - you name it, we gave it a go. Nothing and I mean nothing worked. And my son could verbalize it - he would tell you "I can't be good today - I have the crazies" (those were his words - not mine) He could feel it going on inside him. I put him on meds because I knew I was losing him to the negativity and I figured it was worth a shot, nothing else was working. I also figured if it was horrible I could always stop giving them to him.

The day, and I mean the day he started meds the clouds went away and the sun shone thru. I have my sweet funny little boy back. It was not a miracle cure, we still have our struggles, but every day doesn't start with anger and frustration. We are able to talk, and laugh and play. He is able to focus, pay attention, sit still for more than 2 seconds. He is excelling at school, and even though I was SURE he wasn't ever going to be able to play sports because football went SOOOO badly before meds, he is even doing well in that now.

Don't give up hope. I know your evaluation is coming - that will be the beginning of the road to help. Once you find out what needs to be done, you can proceed and hopefully things will improve for you as well.

Here's my sad truth. I stopped looking for a significant other years ago after the divorce, because my excuse to myself was, "I don't even like my son- why should someone who is not even related like him". I'm just thankful I was wise enough to have only one and be as strong and stable as I possibly can for him. I've created my own support network and have built a sturdy foundation of self-reliance.

Now, that he's almost 12 I'm almost beginning to enjoy his company without meds. I'm jealous of teachers who are around him while he's on meds. He can be such a likeable little guy.

Now for something inspirational, an article about sucessfull ADHD adults--

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120839526913621627.html

Thanks for the much needed 'boost"!

CrazyMadsMom, I know the feeling of being guilty of not liking my son. I thought I was some freak of nature. How could a mother not like her son? Then I read the book the "The Myth of the perfect mother". Such feelings are not fatal. I still find there are days my son's behavior is just not tolerable and I must remove myself before I have a negative impact on him, but I make a concerted effort of finding things we have in common. Trying to create an atmosphere of success where he can be himself and know I will still love him regardless. I hope it will help you to know it will get better but these are going to be challenging days. Take it one day at a time.

peace and light

I think we all have days like this and we are made to feel guilty about it. The perfect mother is a myth. We do the best we can and that is all we can do. My son and I have learned to give each other distance we are upset with each other.

You are a great mother and so few people understand the strain of having an ADHD child. I lived through the LOOKS from judgmental people that have no concept but have lots of opinions.

I had a friend with an autistic child that got some of those looks from people. I told her to make up business cards that said-"He is behaving. He is autistic. For more information go to www.XXXXXX" I thought it was a very quiet way to put people in their place without making a scene.

I remember being pregnant with my son (2nd child) and going to a class just before delivery. Most of the women in this room were young first time mothers. They were intersted mainly in pain management. As the class progressed the staff started talking about having the baby rooming in with the mothers. I got up and ask, "Why?" They said it was so I could bond with my child. I told them I had the rest of my life to bond with this kid, I just wanted some rest in those first few days. Oh, what evil eyes I got! I laugh as I think back to those days.

reruho, I had to laugh! I remember thinking the same thing; "Why shouldn't I take advantage of the highly trained nursing staff for a few days?? I'm the one breast-feeding and I'll be the one with him for the next eighteen years. I think I'll let him sleep in the nursery for two days!" BPQW39547.5430092593