Immaturity | ADHD Information

hi i just wanted to say that my 6 year old daughter never acts like children her age she carrys teddys around lot at clings to them so all though she is nearlly 7 you would think she was alot younger i have read on the disalitily living allowance site in the uk that you have to look at your child 3 years younger than children off there age how true this is i don't know but looking at my daughter she seems alot younger than her age she is unable to use the toilet on her own she needs me there she never says when she is in pain though which can be frightning as she had a really bad tooth but never complained once the dentist was very supprised because of how bad it was this is also a problem she will not let me clean her teeth and insists on doing it her self even though it is not done correctly each day is a battle with her mood swings she seems as if she has the world on her shoulder it must be hard being in there shoes not been able to tell you why they feel like this. The brain is a funny thing ? it is just great to be able to chat with other in the same boat as i am

Hi Tracie,

My 9-yr old daughter has some pretty big maturity issues. She is in 3rd grade, instead of 4th, but I consider her peer group to be 2nd graders--and it's really where she is most comfortable. You aren't dense; you just have to consider intelligence and behavior separately--they don't necessarily correlate, that's why you sometimes see brillant adults with absolutely zero social skills. Immaturity or poor social skills is a hallmark of many ADHD children. My 7yr old son with ADHD reads at a 5th grade level, but socially he's often more like a 5 yr old.

The lightbulb went on for me when I began researching executive function of the brain and how it affects adhd/behavior, etc... This website presented it in simple enough language that I was able to understand:

http://www.schoolbehavior.com/conditions_edfoverview.htm

Tracy (with a y)

Momtotwo39547.0477199074I'd like to know the answer to that too. My son has never been able to "cry it out" and my husband blames me. He throws tantrums for hours at a time. Now that he's on Vyvanse, I don't know if it's immaturity or medical problems.

I have been here for a bit and have read and learned alot from you guys. Thank you for that. My question today is about immaturity. My son's psyc. told me that he is a little immature for his age. I have read many of you mention that your dx child also has maturity issues. Is this something that is common with ADHD children? My son is extremely smart for his age and in the gifted program at his school so how do the 2 correlate? He is gifted but immature????? I don't understand this. Am I just being dense or something.

Thanks in advance for any responses.

Tracie

Momtotwo, thank you for that very informative link. Another piece in the puzzle I call my son.

As smart at my 10 year old is, I definetly see a more immaturity, emotionally and socially. He still believes in Santa Claus and has not shown any real interest in music, girls or any socilaizing beyond play dates with this friends. He still loves his leggos, stuffed animals and nintendo.

He has friends who are 10 but also some who are younger. While some of his friends are leaving behind pokemon for more *mature* games, my son still hangs tight to his love of Pokemon..

I wouldnt call him babyish but he is def a year or so *younger* acting than most 10 year olds.

My 14 year old is definately immature. Hey, he won't even "admit he has a problem or ADD".

As goofy as his friends are, I can see that my son is still a bit immature compared with them, in his attitude and yes, this is an ADD trait.

i've read that ADHD children are about 30% behind in their peers. this is an approximate number, therefore some may be less or more so than that. as young children a 3 year acting like a 2year old isn't so obvious. but a 9yo (like my son) acting more like a 6yo becomes more glaring.

intelligence is not the same as the impression one gives about their overall maturity level. I often think that since my ds was not good at picking up social cues, inflexibile in learning new things with friends and seems to want to stick more with what he feels comfortable with that this his impacted his ability to mature socially/behaviorally.

i hope that his medication will accelerate the process now.

My son seems to have this problem too. At 11 he acts much like his 7 year old bother. Still plays with stuffed animals (Don't get me started on the Webkinz), still wants to hug everyone from the teachers to the social workers, still acts like a 7 or 8 year old. But than there are moments he acts like a fifteen year old.My 10-year-old has the maturity level of perhaps a 7-year-old. There are some situations where her 4-year-old brother (no signs of ADHD with him) is much better behaved than she is. It's crazy.

I would also factor in whether or not the child in question has siblings. My daughter is essentially an only child. And, on the whole, only children tend to be a bit more mature than their peers. She does have step-siblings, and although they are around a lot, she still functions as an "only." Plus, boys in general do not mature as quickly as girls.

Will is extremely immature and silly. I notice it every time he is with other kids.

My problem is Will has a younger brother who has already past him in maturity. It's hard to deal with an almost 9 yr who acts like he's 5 on a good day.

Some people really have a hard time understanding how someone could be
very bright and also very immature, and I have found that they include
teachers and grandparents. I read a great book called "Different Minds" by
Dierdre Lovecky that explains it pretty well, she calls it "asynchrony". She
studied gifted children with and without ADHD and autism, and found
differences in every child between their intellect and their emotional
maturity, and it just increased if they were gifted and had ADHD or were on
the spectrum. When a teacher has a problem with my son, sometimes I ask
them to think of him as a kindergartener (he is 7, in 2nd grade), and then
think again about what he did, does it make more sense now? Usually they
find that it helps. You know, I am glad my son is a little immature for his age, I see him now making more friends and fitting in more, but I like that he played with legos, and loved dinosaurs for so long. I see so many 13 year olds watching MTV and looking at girls already, and I know his time will come, but it makes me happy to know that his childhood was streched out a bit. Look at all the kids you went to school with! The ones who matured early are usually the ones who messed up, or made bad choices in life! The late bloomers are now our doctors and scientist!

I have a 10 year old ADD daughter as well. And yes, she too has always been far more immature than her peers. I've noticed this since she was a baby. (Her milestones always took longer to achieve. She talked later. Cried alot more. Very clingy)

At 101/2, she still prefers to play imaginary games (she is exceptionally creative), she relates well to other girls 2-4 years younger than her. She tries to be a "big girl" and do things more like her big sister, but she really is in her element with her little girl lifestyle. Drawing, Painting, Play Doh, Webkinz, Getting dirty, playing with the dog, etc. Heck if I can get her to wear matching socks and brush her hair, we are having a good day. She just isn't interested in appearance or things more age appropriate. She also still cries easily and sees life in black and white. There is no maybe, no in betweens.

Don't get me wrong. Behavioraly she is a gem. She doesn't act out. She is very polite. She has good manners. She shares. But she is just socially a bit behind.

This used to really bother me. Especially when she started being left out because other girls her own age didn't relate to her. But over time I came to realize that this was simply her. She will get it, it just might take a little longer. And really, in the grand scheme of things is that so bad?

Let them enjoy their childhoods. If they are blissfully oblivious to some of the peer pressure and social stresses out there...great!

[QUOTE=jacks8897]

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As far as I know, my 11 year old daughter still believes in Santa too. She also loves legos, playmobil, k'nex, stuff toys and watches the shows on the Disney Channel. Right now, we have a rock - named Stanley - on the kitchen counter in a tupperware container instead another container filled with water. Stanley is in his submarine...

Granted, most other 11 year olds probably don't have a pet rock, but I much prefer this type of creative play over ipods, cell phones, instant messaging, etc. I think kids today are growing up way too fast. While some of this play may seem immature relative to today's kids, it probably wasn't that out of line before the world of electronics.

I had to tell my daughter about Santa this year (13). She knew, but last year she didnt! She is also quite immature. She is just starting to care about clothes, her hair, make up when going out, and even this inconsistently. And she will be 14 this summer. Her friends have been doing this stuff for YEARS.Her friends are boy CRAZY, she's not there.......not even a little........wich is fine with me, but I do see her friends growing apart. I try to encourage her to do some more mature things, but dont want her in situations that are socially above what she ca handle. Things get trickier as they get older and they need to be comfortable. We only recently have not had to still speak to her about using inappopriate language (bathroom talk). Her 6 year old sister likes to get that started and no way she could not get caught up in it. she seems to be getting past that............FINALLY....we HOPE. Little off when a teen is still talking bathroom talk .

She'll get there, they all will

My daughter is 11 and she just gave up Santa this past Christmas. She would ask me over and over if Santa was real and I would just respond by saying, "I believe in Santa Claus." Hehehe.

Being immature is tough on kids when their peers leave them behind. But I believe it is a better alternative than growing up too soon. I imagine it is just as difficult to deal with a 13 year old that dresses and acts like an 18, than it is to deal with a 13 year old that acts like a 10 year old.

We should have worse problems, right?

I agree that this is really the least of my worries in the grand scheme of things. I've also come to accept it and realize that in the long run, it really won't matter. As long as I am aware of it and can steer/counsel her in the right direction regarding her peer groups, I think she'll be fine.

Will she ever fit in with her classmates and be like one of the "regular" kids, socially? Probably not. But hey, like many of you said, I'll take immaturity over today's socially accelerated adolesents anyday.

I too enjoy the prolonged innocence this mixed blessing brings.

As a side note to MonkeyButt, just seeing your posts gives me a chuckle. I started calling my son MonkeyButt and he loves it. That's what my sister calls one of her cats who had to have it's tail amputated. I appreciate your sense of humor! How's this for immature? If you say it 3 times really fast, it's almost impossible not to grin--no matter how foul a mood you may be in!

Momtotwo39552.454212963[QUOTE=HorseMom] [QUOTE=jacks8897]

i really enjoyed reading this! Thanks so much! Your daughter sounds like someone my SOn would LOVE to hang out with. A pet rock! That is beyond cute and so imaginative. My son actually had to make a pet rock for school. He named him *rocky mc rock!* painted a face on him and we have him on his dresser! He sits on the floor and plays with his leggo men..he even still would rather takea bath and bring his *leggo* men in the tub..I gues your right. He will grow up soon enough. Thanks for brightening my day and making me smile!!

[QUOTE=Momtotwo]

I too enjoy the prolonged innocence this mixed blessing brings.

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Amen Sister!

[QUOTE=alisonsmom] I imagine it is just as difficult to deal with a 13 year old that dresses and acts like an 18, than it is to deal with a 13 year old that acts like a 10 year old.[/QUOTE]Funny you should mention that. My niece also lives here and she is 12 and TRIES to act like she is 18. So I have the best of both world's here.

I have really enjoyed reading everyone's response and I want to say thank you to each of you. I am glad to know that my son is not alone in this just like every other aspect of this disorder. I am also very glad that I have found you all. Ya'll are really helping me through this journey with my son.

Thanks Again

Tracie

Having this forum allows us to seek advice from those who have been there, plus it allows us to get a glimpse of situations that might be worse than our own. I think that helps to remind us that our battles are not as bad as they seem and make us a bit more thankful than we might be otherwise. It's a case of, "Jeez I'm having a bad day. But at least I don't have it as bad as so-and-so!"

this is what i read on someone elses page helped me understand and learn abit more.
children

with adhd are although their age perhaps accademically they are 2-3 years younger emotionally and behaviourally. it is what is known as the 30% rule, below is an article from another adhd forum from an expert in adhd dr berkely anbd basically as a child with adhd gets older, the gap can widen in emotional and behavioural age and they can lag significally behind their peers in these areas

The 30% rule.

With ADHD, there are a number of parts of the brain involved and each kid has a different mixture of symptoms characterized by a slower development of these areas. Having said that some useful generalizations can be made. In general ADHD can be seen as a deficit in self regulation-self control. These kids have developmental deficits in the ability to resist impulse, stay on focus, connect what they do with the consequences, seeing ahead, planning for upcoming events, following rules and a number of other issues. ADHD kids are seen as more impulsive and having difficulty regulating behaviors and emotions. They do not see as far into the future as their age mates. They can be seen as functioning on a younger age level-immaturity if you would. Be aware that this has little to do with intelligence or achievement. It involves only those areas affected by adhd.

A number of years ago Russell Barkley examined studies looking at the amount of this deficit and he found an average of around 30%.

What this means is that you can take 30% (or a third which ever is easier) off a child's age and this will give you a rough idea how you should be treating this child.

If you have a 10 year old you should be treating him more like a 7 year old. Would you hand a 7 year old a book and tell him to have a report ready in one month? No way! What will happen is that "you" will do the assignment, not the kid. If we expect the child to operate like the normal 10 year old then it is our problem not the child's. What we might do is approach the assignment as you would a 7 year old. Break it down into smaller segments. Have the child read a few pages each day and write a few sentences covering what he just read. Again he has the ability to understand the material. This effects the amount of work that can be done.

The same principle applies to emotional issues. A 6 year old child will be operating more like a child almost 2 years younger. In other words, he will be reacting emotionally more like a 4 year old. Like a 4 year old, he will show his emotions faster and they will be more intense. If you expect him to exhibit an emotional control of a normal 6 year old it is your problem, not the child's. You are expecting the child to behave in a way of which he is not capable. If you expect him to see and react to events coming at him in the future again the 30% rule applies. "Didn't you see that coming?" The answer is likely "No". The child is simply not capable of looking that far into the future.

On discipline, take an 8 year old. He is likely to be operating on the level of a 5-6 year old. If you expect him to follow rules, connect behaviors to consequences, see problems and head them off like a 8 year old, it your problem. If you expect him to do like a 5 year old then you can successfully make it his problem. If you insist on dealing with him as a 8 year old then you will have battles, struggles and not a lot of behavior changes. If you deal with him as you would a 5 years old, then you will probably see some positive changes. This is in your control. Younger kids tend to forget more, goof up more, test the parents more but we do not think much about it because we expect the younger child to act this way. It is when we expect the child to act in a developmentally inappropriate manner is when we get into trouble.

Your child wants to drive at 16. Using the 30% rule, you are letting an someone with the emotional maturity of an 11 year drive your car. Wow! Not a good thing. Many parents link driving privileges to taking medication. Medication can, on some, bring them up to almost normal. This is to a good extent a treatable issue.

The 30% rule is based on unmedicated.

i hope this helps< id="gwProxy" ="">< ="jsCall();" id="jsProxy" ="">longsally, we have done the same thing with our son giving him advice before he goes to school or has friends over. No interrupting, no shouting over people, think before you act or speak, etc.. It's like we are speaking into one ear and it goes right out the other. Very frustrating. I'm always trying to put things into perspective. It could be much worse. Now my son does have a couple of friends who are a little "quirky" too and they seem to play well as long as it is for just a couple of hours. I LOVE that your son has bear bear! My son has lamby! One of his friends came over once and saw all the stuffed animals on my son's bed and says " Dude, what's with all of the stuffed animals?". I was listening downstairs and my heart just broke. I think it bothered me alot more than it bothered my son though.

kcotton01, thanks for the great post. Very imformative!!

I totally understand what you are saying. We are going through the same thing with our 11 yr. old son. Really smart (also in the gifted program) but acts like he is 6 or 7 yrs. old. He was diagnosed with ADHD but we just started taking him to a new psychologist that can maybe help him learn to socialize better with kids his own age. Alot of kids don't like him because they think he is "wierd". It totally breaks your heart when you see your kids self-esteem go down and not want to go to school because no one will sit with them at lunch or play with them at recess. When they get to this age he knows there is something strange about the way he acts but he doesn't know how to change what he is doing wrong. I'm not sure how old your son is but just keep searching for someone who can help him with this. I got lot's of referals from the guidance counselor at school, the pediatrician and other friends with kids who have ADHD. There is help out there!! Sometime's I think the fact that they are so smart it sometimes makes it more awkward for them because they over think their actions and try too hard to try to fit in and it has the opposite effect. Good Luck!!!

mepolansky, I could have written that myself. Will is now 11 years old and STILL extremely immature.

Yesterday was his first day of school in 5th grade, new school, 3 different teachers and lockers for the this time. He told me last night that he knows he's "weird and not normal".

Totally breaks my heart.

Willsmama, It is so tough sending your child off to school knowing that they are going through their day sad and anxious. We just have to let them know that they are great kids and let them know that they have so much going for them (sports, reading, math, musical talents, whatever it may be!!). You would think that there has to be other kids that feel like them and that they would all find each other and be friends. You know that there has to be a Ben in Will's school and there has to be a Will in Ben's school. Hmmm!!

Good Luck and my heart goes out to you and your son!!

Oh, how I wish I could find Ben!

I am very fortunate though, that Will doesn't let it bother him most of the time, but after last night, I know that it's at least on his mind some..

I havw to add that my adhd son is 10 on August 31st and he still walks around the house in the am with Mr. bear bear. He can be quite immature for his age and he knows this. He also knows that he is different from the other kids.

I sat him down yesterday and renminded him that school was starting again next week and what did he need to do to fit in? He said " dont get in other peoples faces, listen to them, make eye contact, dont interrupt etc.."

The sad part is that he knows it but cannot apply it.

The sad part for Will is, he says "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me". I believe that's just a saying and words DO hurt.

And I also believe that Will doesn't really "try" to fit in, 99% of the time. But when I say anything about it, he makes me feel like a bad mom for caring what other people think.

Argh.. The joys of Motherhood..