I am new here, this is actually my first post, but I am depressed with what I was told last night.
My oldest son, who is 11, has ADHD. For the last 4 years we have been dealing with it as best as we can. And we actually thought we were doing really good with it.
His grades in school weren't the best, but he was getting B & C's. Until this year. We knew from the first report card that things weren't working in the class he was in. But our school had no were else to put him. So we have been fighting with the school to get him the help he needs. This last report card, Friday, he has dropped to D-. So it has gotten even worse.
Now the school has helped us, or has tried. He sees a woman in what they call the resource room (learning center for me) once a day. But he is still in main stream classes. And his teacher doesn't seem to be on the same game sheet as us. So at the school scoial worker's advice we have sought counsling.
And last night I had my heart broken by this doctor. Now I like him. The two times we've seen him before last night he's been really good with dealing with us and helping us. Last night he went over the, for the lack of a better term, surveys he had me, DH, teacher and my son fill out. Every one, but me it seems, sees my son as severly depressed. My son told the doctor he is never happy (news to me!). The doctor said my son needs alot of help and his ADHD is very severe (spl?). What? I was under the impression that we were getting better. Taht we were handling things better at home. Boy talk about a smack in the face. Now I don't know everything my son told the doctor since they do talk in private. But I do know for a fact my son will lie if he thinks it will get him better attention. He has done it in the past and cost us alot of money becuase of it.
So now how do I know if he is lying to this doctor and on the survey? I did talk to my son last night and told him point blank if he is not happy, he needs to tell DH and I. That we can not help him otherwise. But he admitted to me last night that he lied to the doctor. Great so now he is lying and what does it help us.
Sorry for the novel but I am depressed with all of this and can't seem to find a happy ground with my son.
Hi,
Its hard for me to offer any advise since I"m not sure what you have tried with regards to helping your sons ADHD. My son is 12 and ADHD. We've tried meds for 2 1/12 years but he couldn't remain on them.
Has your son been on meds? Is he on any now? What do you think are his academic issues? Is he not completing his work? Is he trying but not learning? Have the teachers offered any insight?
Are you in public school or private?
I can offer you suggestions as to what we have tried and what i have found helpful, I just need to know what you've done in the past.
He is on meds. He is on focolin (spl?) but we all agree it is not enough. It is a low dosage (not the lowest 20mg). We've been on a bunch of different ones. this one we've been on for about two years now. My big guy is 11. My youngest does not have ADHD but is a handfull on his own trying to get attention.
As for school all his testing shows he can learn it, has learned it and has a over average IQ but his work is just not getting done and he tends to bomb on test (doesn't read though the question far enough to know what has to be done is a big probelm so only part of the assigments get done). We are indeed in public schools. I am very unhappy with his teacher since he is so wishy washy (are those words?) and Ben needs a stern teacher not another buddy. A teacher who will tell him what to do, not ask him. but unfourtuntly for us, there are only two 5th grade teachers in our school and the other teacher has 33 kids in his class already.
My guys problem in school and I agree with, is he gets depressed in school since no one will play with him. He has alienated everyone with his "odd" behaviour this year. I realize it's all a cry for help, and we are doing what we can. But as smart as my guy is, I can't help him in school. I mean I already bust my butt with homework at home with him. Everyone keeps telling us to let homework go. What doesn't get done in school shouldn't be done at home. but than I am certain he will fail 5th grade and be even more depressed.
Aghhhh I am spinning my wheels here.
does he have any co-exisitng learning disabilities/ School HAS to help him. If they cannot accomodate his diabilities they have to place him somewhere that can. You need prove this though. Has he had a full meuropsych eval with academic testing?He has had all the academic testing and because he scored so high on everything (70-80 average, he scored 120+ on everything but writing) that he didn't qualifiying or anything. We got him help under OHIO but that is limited to the one visit a day to the resource room. And even that is dependent on his darn teacher remembering to send him next door.CristyK1
I can feel how much you are hurting and I am so sorry. Children with ADHD, depression, etc feel so bad themselves I am not sure they can determine what they feel most of the time.
My son is 8 1/2 y/o. He is in a hospital right now to be stabilized. He was diagnosed ADHD when he was 4 y/o and has run the gamut of meds: focilin, adderal, dexymethadrine, clinidine, concerta, vyvanse, strattera. Now he is on a mood stabilizer called depakote. I know he will have to be on antidepressants.
Your son will tell you what he thinks you want to hear. He is not going to tell his doctor he is depressed and lie about it to get attention,. And if he is it means that he needs the attention about something that he can't verbalize.
This is not a slap in your face. This is just the way these children are and will be forevermore. If your doctor is a psychiatrist great. If not, you should try to find one or a doctor who specializes in childhood disorders.
I found out how Jon was feeling by scribing a 'book' for his 9 y/o brother on how HE was feeling dealing with Jon. Jon wanted me to do one for him and I typed it in microsoft word and it is word for word. Perhaps you can do something like this for your son. Also- the school- needs to write an IEP or 504 to help your son.
Good luck, keep trying. You will find a lot of help, encouragement and info on this forum. I could not have goner through the last few months without the encouragement of everyone here.
Randy
What I would do is make an apt. with the Dr. - just you - and tell him that you think your son was lying to him and on the surveys. Tell him what your son told you about the lying. Trust me, a good psychologist or psychiatrist should be able to tell if a kid with emotional problems is lying.
The Doctor we are seeing once a week now is a psychiartist. Our Ped. Doc is the one who diagnosed him and has ADHD himself, but we only see him every three months.
Ben, my oldest, has both and IEP and a 504 now. We talk to every one at the school we can. And we make great plans that we all think will work, but than the darn teacher doesn't follow thru. here is an example of the wall we hit with him. One of Ben's biggest frustrations in school is his handwriting. To say it simple, it sucks. Our 1st grader writes neater. After the second reportcard came home, we met with the teacher, social worker, principle and all at teh school to do something about the struggle we were having with it takign 6 hours to do his home work at night (boy those fights were somethign else). So we worked it out so he can do all his work that comes home on the computer, well execpt math, can't do math in MS works. This worked great. BEn loves the computer. We also talked about him being able to use the ALPHA Smart at school (handheld computer I think). A friend of mine who has alot of the same probelms with her son made the suggestion. The teacher said this was a great idea. Only I find out 6 weeks later he never ordred it since Ben wouldn't go to the back of the class to use the desk top. Like no kid wants to stand out the much at school, speically when it already gets picked on. The darn teacher says he will do one thing, than doesn't do it in the class room. Pisses me off to no extent. I feel like a horrible mom since I know Ben knows this stuff he is doing in school. My son is a history buff (and I mean extreme buff here) and yet he is failing SS at school cause his writitng work he turns in is so unreadable. The teacher makes the comment that maybe we are putting to much into the school being important. But I know how bad Ben feels when he gets bad grades. I don't have a bad son, or a dumb one, but one who does need to be taught differently.
bebop,
that is one thing I really like about this new doc (he is a behaviour specialist) is that he sits down with us as a family in the beginign. than talks to just DH and I. than he talks just to Ben.
Hi- if the teacher is not following through then copy these posts and take them to the princpal and even higher to get results. There is no excuse for the teacher to be like this. Your son comes first for you (the same with all of our children) but for the teacher he is just one of 25 or 30. Something needs to be done for your son to not feel like a failure and picked on. Please keep us updated.
randy
See that is were I keep getting myself in trouble at the school. I am at the school every day dropping my kids off. I talk to the principle every day to see how the kids are. I tell him every day that it's not working in the class. But as I have been told over and over again he is doing as much as he can with the two 5th grade classes over filled as it is (over 30 in both). We tried to get him into speical ed, but he doesn't qualify for anything cause he scored so high on his test. I only wish he could do so on good on his school work.
Funny thing is, the day he was sick and stayed home, he got all the days school work done in 3 hours. Yet he comes home from school with most of it not even started ater 7 hours at school (when his meds are working!!). I realized it is the more one on one but dang, it frustrates me to death.
As I mentioned previously, my son went off his meds in 4th grade. The change in his behavior was dramatic. Yes, he was more impulsive and hyper, but he was much much happier and much more normal to his peers. Several peers even mentioned to the teacher in 5th grade that he was more "normal".
Therefore, since your son is failing, and he is slipping into a depression, I believe you have two options. You may change and or add medications and see if that helps him, or you can stop the focalin (really, what good is it doing anyway??) and see if his mood and attitude get better.
I was at the same point (well similar, my sons side effects were much worse), and I chose to try to stop the meds. It definitely was not easy. He had rebound issues for months. I know, every doctor will say its out of their system in a day, but believe me it is not. Their bodies readjust and they need to learn new coping mechanisms to deal with themselves without medication.
We ended up doing neurofeedback by a local psychologist who has an ADHD clinic and the results were dramatic. He went from about 25 detentions last year to 1 this year. I went from daily phone calls last year to none this year.
His grades are B- to C. At times he still fails tests, however he is a pretty happy, confident kid who is a boy and will struggle to study and write.
Please don't think I'm anti - meds, I certainly am not. I am thrilled for those who have children that can excel on them. However, when they are not working, and there are still issues your child is experiencing, I truly believe you need to go back to the beginning to see what your childs issues truly are. Stimulants can and do cause depression. You may need to go a different route here as your son matures.
Best of luck.
What your saying makes graet sense. And today he did really good wihtout his meds till around noon. But that is here at home with just him, his baby brother and me. He just get's over stimulated at school and causes tons of problems. We are going to take him back to his normal doctor with the results from the test the behaviour doc. Though this med keeps him alot more mellow, it is doing nothing for him social wise. And if the depression is as bad as every one else sees (I must be blind) than I am really scared for him.
It is incredibly difficult to stop meds. I was very lucky to have a very supportive teacher who helped him in school for weeks. He will get over stimulated and he will act out - but it should be more of a silliness rather than an anger or agression. Once summer came, my son was amazing. When he was able to be outside in the fresh air outside of the classroom he was great.
Schools just stink for ADHD kids. Its like oil & water. I've decided that my primary responsibility is getting my son to 21 years of age a happy adult who is confortable with himself and can live alone. If he's passing school and not being mean or disrespectful I'm happy. If he gets a few D's, oh well!
I'm to the point I want his school to be fun for him like it used to be. He loved school till this year. something with him and his teacher never meshed. I don't want him to get discouraged with it all. And if he has to repeat 5th grade he is going to be even more misreble than he is this year. He's already the oldest kid in the class because of a late birthday (we held him back a year).Also remember some of it comes with the age too. School gets different when peer pressure and conforming sets in. 5th grade is where it begins.
If that is the case (peer pressure) I feel so bad for him. I was never a cool kid, or even in any "group" when I was in school. I was too weird for even the geeks and nerds. I went though school as a loaner. But I loved school. And so does Ben. He loves to learn and is a huge history and science fanatic. he just hates having to write stuff out. Give him the computer or my laptop to do work on and he whips thru all his home work really fast.
And poor Ben, as if ADHD isn't bad enough for him, he loves to do dance. Yes my 11 year old ADHD son does ballet. And really loves it (mose of the time). It's a secert he won't tell anyone in his class cause he already gets picked on by the other boys.
christyK - sounds like you have good Drs.
You know, by law the teachers have to comply with the 504. If the teacher is not following the accomodations you have a right to go to his/her superior and demand they follow them.
I was told this by my son's guidance councelor - they take these 504's very seriously.
Sometimes there are just bad teachers and they don't care.
I agree with you that having your son repeat 5th grade would not be good.
I was leary when this teacher specificly requested Ben for his class. Turns out this teacher has two son's of his own who have ADHD and act out alot in class. For the first half the school year every time I complained to the school about the amount of work that would be coming home (every assignment in his planner not even started) the first thing out of his mouth would be, that Ben behaved so well in his class. Doesn't act out or do anything wrong. that's because my son would be more than happy to zone out and day dream all day. Drove me insane.
We are on spring break right now, but I plan to talk to the principle Monday about Ben's teacher. I won't have him suffering with a teacher who is not doing his end. I'm doing everything they are requesting of me. I'm stepping back and letting him succeed or fail on his own (to a point, I still keep him on task with his homework). But I will be da..... opps can't write that.... I will be horsewhipped before I let him fail 5th grade knowing for a fast he can do the work. Even the Behaviour doctor said he should not be held back. That he is teh type of child who should do well in a 6 class, 6 teacher, one hour each, setup. I sure hope they all know what they are talking about.
But I am also working my end (or my half) of the day with some books and help in being a more assertive parent (yes I am the push over mom :: hanging head in shame here::), and I got a book recommmend by our behaviour doc by a dude named Barkley (or some spelling or another). Plus we are going to do our own varation of the "Marble" jar. I am hoping, and praying, that with a more disiplined home life, that things will smooth out at school.... I hope.
Christy,Unfourtuntly we can't afford the private schools here in our aera. And as for schools out side our districts, they score lower on the state grading scale than ours do. The closest one that would be better grade wise is like a twenty minute drive one way. And that's on a great day, no traffic.
Add to that we only have 6 more weeks here. To late to change now. I'm hoping Ben will work harder this marking period. We sat down on Monday (We were camping with the cub scout pack all weekend) and discussed his school. So our goal for the next six weeks is to get his grades from a D- up to at least a C.
Unfourtuntly for me, my youngest son (1st grade) is falling behind in his reading work, so we have to work on him too.
I've done some strange things in my life, and at one time I thought basic training in the USAF was hard. Boy those drill instructors have nothing on my sons.
I understand about it being too late in the year. But in the future, if it were me, I would look at the schools with the lower state grades and also the one twenty minutes away.You do make alot of sense. I understand completely. We do have to deal with the middle school next year. So I am unsure of what to even look for. I am going to do some research and talk with our behaviour Doc next week and see if he has any suggestions.
As for homeschool, that is not an option for us. He is already learning more than I every learned in math and science. So I am unable to help much there (thank heavens or DH who is an Eng.). I do plan to kinda "homeschool" over the summer. so no one's head goes to mush over the summer.
You know I have to agree with inspiredbythemusic that you needn't totally go by the ratings of the school on tests. My ds goes to a highly regarded public school district. This district markets its test results and superior scores. When he was in 3rd grade, his grade school had to close due to overall declining enrollment in the district. All the parents were very unhappy and many protested that the district shouldn't be shutting down a "5 star" school. At that point the district stated that while test scores were important, they were just a snap shot and that any child would do equally well in any of the schools in the district. It was mentioned that sometimes test score averages are just a function of socio=economic status. THE DISTRICT ITSELF SAID THIS!. And you know what they were right. My son moved to a "4 star" grade school for the last two years and was challenged there just fine. There was plenty of very bright kids. The overall average was maybe slightly lower, but there was still plenty of bright kids. Of course, in marketing materials, the district is still bragging up its test scores.
It might be different if one of the schools is a totally underperforming school, but at the top end, I don't think nitpicking about those stars really means much. I would look at the teachers, the culture of the school, and whether he will get good support to shine.