How do you cope? | ADHD Information

< =text/>_popupControl(); I don't want to sound preachy, but I cope by reminding myself that it could be SOOOO much worse. My son can be annoying and out of control, and completely disrespect me, but at least he's whole, has all of his senses, isn't mentally handicapped in any way. And after years of secondary infertility after my first son, it's just such a blessing to have him at all. And no matter what happens, it can't kill me. That's been my coping mantra since I was a kid! I think a huge thing has to be to make sure you have time/things for yourself. Both times for you and hubby alone and JUST Mom time. I try to get in as many girls Night outs I can . Sometimes it's months before we get out, BUT we're always planning one! All my Mom friends are not necessarily my kids friends parents. Although our kids play and I've met most of them through our children, we dont force friendships. We enjoy each others company and try to get together once every other month or so for dinner or a drink no kids. I also joined a book club, another gorwn up, out of the house thing. I cant read a whole book and make it out every single month, but go when I can, but neither can all the other Moms. Well some SAH Mom's of typical kids can read more, but there are not too many of those around these days! Our children and all the "stuff" that comes with it can be all consuming, you need to regroup and recharge.Every day seems to be a building block off the other, right? And that is especially true (for dh and myself) on the patience/lack there of/ frustration blocks. Every day I'm instantly agitated by the reminders of DAILY activities in our household. How do you keep cool, calm and collected? I mean it...I just struggle with this. I believe I struggle with some anxiety now and it's adding to it. I love our ds more than words and want him to look at home as a safety net...his soft landing place. Humor is becoming my friend in some of our scenarios and I'm glad about that but how do you deal with the every day ho hum that comes along with these kiddos?? Am I making sense?

Hi- I am feeling better about Jon so I am writing more in the other threads

granny Fran- can you teach me to yell? I am the person who, when upset, doesn't talk pretty much at all (except for today when I told off the nurse at the crisis center for what she said to Jon). Even then I was polite and quiet.

My children are all very loud and I have an auditory sensory problem. My hearing is much more acute than the average person so too much noise and I shut down. We told our other two children that are 6 and 9 that when Jon comes home if they yell or run like banshees that they will be INSTANTLY banished to their room. We are doing that so our home won't overly stimulate Jon until we are sure that his meds are up to par and working.

We recently gave the children chores and they are enjoying doing them. I still like to fold their clothes. They go to a private school on a scholarship this year and so they wear uniforms. Very easy in the mornings. When I homeschool next year- actually I am starting when school is out- they will wear uniforms also: red polo shirt and navy or khaki slacks or shorts, navy socks and sport shoes. My daughter has the same color shirt, socks and shoes, only she will wear a checkered skort or khaki skort.

The children help with making meals: I am going to teach them how to read recipes, make pasta, and how to put together healthy meals. We will have such fun!!!

You know, I always had the mind set that my child was a pain in the ass, a bother. I love him but my god, I never got a moments peace. then last week at work ( I am an ER nurse), a mother brought in her 5 year old who just tried to hang himself!!!!!! This was the 2nd time in 1 week and he was cruel to animals and had severe sociopathic tendencies. This is the kind of kid that grows up to be a serial killer. I then realized, MY GOD, my son is an ANGEL and I should be thankful for what I have and I am!!!!!!!! This was my wake up call and I hope that others on the board get theirs.

randyjim,

I can't teach you how to yell. One is either a yeller or not. However, I bet your kids can! Take a cue from them. Go outside and run, yell, and squeal right along with them. [it will feel soooo good]

I understand about sensitive hearing. I'm deaf in one ear and need a hearing aide. However I can't have one because the hearing in my good ear is so sensitive. A hearing aide would drive me nuts.

Kids yell. It's part of being a kid. You can teach them that once inside ,they must use an indoor voice or pay the consequence of being remove from your company. Nothing wrong with that!

That said, as much as you don't want them triggering Jon into a meltdown, asking them to be superquiet in his presence isn't fair to them.

Jon is the one who will have to learn the coping skills to live in society.

I am not criticizing you. I know what a difficult and frightening time you have been having.

If Jon truely has bi polar, noise won't be the only thing overstimulating him. His triggers can be so subtle that you won't recognize them. Has he been checked for sensitive hearing or sensory issues?

I know of one little boy[he is AS andbipolar and adhd who goes into a meltdown if he feels the wind on his face or arms.

Keep up the good work. I know that you will find the answers. Along witheveryone else here, I'm praying for you.

longsally, you're right about that!! What's that saying "I'm too blessed to be stressed and something else and something else..." ha ha ha!! I do feel too blessed to be stressed and that's where the guilt comes in when I am stressed...

but this morning ds got up to his alarm and I helped him get ready and we had the SMOOTHEST, NICEST morning we've had in a long time!!!!! And bebop, I worked out!! Only fifteen minutes, but I already feel better!! Thank you all sooooooo much. Can't say it enough!

granny Fran- I was told that Jon has sensory issues of touch. I wasn't told about hearing. Although, there is something really strange that goes on with Jon when he is stressed or overtired: He messes with his ear. He sticks things in it and rubs and rubs it and massages it. He doesnot have ear infections because I have taken him to the doctor for it but he rubs so hard that he will irritate the outer canal and then I have to put drops in to soothe it. I have also had to take him to the doctor to get out cotton he has wedged in his ear and pencil erasers. maybe I can get him those earmufflers that are used for shooting or by airport people.

Do you think this may indicate auditory sensitivity?

BTW- Jon sounded so great this morning!!! I am hoping he can come home soon. I miss him soo very much! And thank you for your prayers.

Ilovemyboys - Yoga is everything you said - a workout, relaxing, stretching - In the West, we kind of approach it as exercise but actually it's really the combinination of mind and body.

The relaxation comes in because yoga is all about breathing correctly and combining movement with breath. It's all about calming the mind and being still. There are over 800,000 yoga poses so anyone can practice - it's non-competitive - there is no perfection - there are poses done in chairs, poses for people with disabilities - there are variations - you just have to find the style that works for you.

The best way to start yoga is to find a studio near you and take a class. The local hospitals sometimes give classes as part of their wellness programs.

It's hard to learn from a book or video without atleast taking a couple of classes.

I'd avoid classes that say Power Yoga or Ashtanga or Hot yoga. That style is very vigorous - athletic - advanced - I do Ashtanga sometimes and let me tell you - I'm stiff for two days

Look for classes with the word Hatha yoga, Iyengar, restorative - beginner, gentle.

Thanks for that, I will!Granny Fran, also meant to mention...the soft voice works MUCH better!!

Joined: January 28 2008
Posts: 181 Posted: April 17 2008 at 7:32am | IP Logged

Do you think this may indicate auditory sensitivity?

BTW- Jon sounded so great this morning!!! I am hoping he can come home soon. I miss him soo very much! And thank you for your pr

Trust your instincts. They won't steer you wrong.

"FIGHT" to me is when I have to YELL to get him motivated every single day to get up and get dressed...it isn't so much a fight as it is a battle and then, of course, the yelling makes him (obviously) defensive and THEN it's a fight because he's one stubborn guy! And so, I don't know what else I can do to get him up and going without me having to be his shadow. I've made very simple but very specific charts to help him with his morning activities. Our daily lives are so routine I often just think "Lord, if he can't get this I don't know what else to do" . I try to give him some free time to play but because it isn't STRUCTURED, it often gets ugly (flopping around like a fish and such)...drives me crazy!

I am really going to try the advice on here and most definitely, bebop, try to get back into working out...I so badly want to. Maybe I should hook up with you and see how your daily schedule looks....

ilovemyboys, find a way to get that getting ready thing NOT a fight. My new thing with my (non ADHD) daughter is I dont care if you're 6 and think you're old enough, if you act like a preschooler and not be responsible for getting ready, that is fine, then I will dress you myself. No fighting, I just dress her (she HATES it), but there is NO WAY she's not getting on that bus every day . So if it means me dressing her, thats what I'll do, no fight. She can cry, but I'm not going to. I know she knows how to dress herself, so She doesnt NEED the practice.

We have alos started a new "hook". She wants a Nintendo DS (becasue her sister has one). But She NOT getting one unless she earns it. She can earn it by earning points (for getting ready for school and doing homework) or by earning cash for doing jobs. This is new this week and it's working for now.You've got to turn it back onto them (without them realizing) .

bebop, you can join my book club.

Call me crazy, but I think we should all get together and write a book and call it something like, "Driven to Distraction on the Road to Nowhere Fast" : coping skills for the ADHD parent. Hey, why not? You are all a wealth of wisdom that some people pay hundreds or even thousands to go to their psychiatrist for.

oh, I just thought of another one" Driven to Distraction when I Fly off the Handle"

Seriously though, that reminds me of what my son and I do now when I start to let my voice reach decibels into what sounds like a howling cat in heat....I yell with a real mean attitude like I mean it," I LOVE YOU!!!". and then he yells back,"oh, yeah, well, I LOVE YOU". Some will say this is sending mixed messages, but it works for us. We affectively replace the anger with humor every time and it dispels. We even trick each other, by coming out of nowhere calling each by our first, middle and last name (like you mean business and the person is in big trouble) in a loud voice and pinched face and shout "How-many-times-do-I-have-to-tell-you----I LOVE YOU?" you can come up with all sorts of variations on that theme and keep your playful attitude.

Diane, I guess you are right. I could dress him, but I thought that would defeat him learning responsibility...even though he's 6, I really want him to understand responsibility and to respect his room...bla bla (I feel my boy's eyes roll when I say it... But I love him so much and the struggle, whatever you call it, is heartbreaking. Maybe it's worth our relationship to just do it myself, until he's a bit older....

There's LOTS of time to teach responsibility. IMO school days are about getting them out the door! Once you're in a better "place" and routine and he's older, then you can figure out what works and incorporate that. He won't want you to dress him, so it will probably motivate him to do it on his own. Then you can say, you have 5 minutes to get your clothes on or I'm doing it and walk away. Go back in 5 and if he's not dressed, dont talk just dress him..........Summer's coming battle the getting dressed on his own then .

You dont have to teach him everything all at once................hence the phrase we live by.....PICK YOUR BATTLES". .

Diane V39554.4405671296

I know you're right! I do want to teach them so much right now...you're right, though. I am already making his bed again to ease the mornings, so what's dressing him, too? He's six, he's only six, he's six...(drilling it into my head). You know, I have OCD- I JUST KNOW IT and I think that's the reason I was wanting him to learn...I laugh but not sure how funny it is!? I think it's a lot of my anxiety, too. But to have nice mornings makes my heart and burdens much lighter...

Thank you guys for being helpful and not judging me!

Diane - I'd love to join your book group. Where do you guys meet? PM me -I don't know how far we are from each other. I'm so bad with directions. I just got a one of those GPS things because I'm always getting lost.

Ilovemyboys - You will never be judged here. I think Diane is right - there is time for responsibility - mornings are so tough. He's only 6. Maybe when school is out and the tension is less, you can start introducing more responsibility. You can make up a plan for the next school year and start from scratch next year.

Don't fall into the trap of doing everything for him but you just kind of have to pick those battles wisely. It's hard to watch our kids suffer. I'm having a hard time watching my 14 year old highly IQ'd gifted kid fail school and not mature - AND that is why I now have a therapist

I force myself to workout - I just know I have to do it. I plan longer workouts on the weekends, shorter ones in the P.m. around 8:00 P.m. and "kill two birds with one stone" by walk/jogging with my dog. The dog loves these "fitness walks" and he needs to be walked anyway. I get out to a yoga class once a week and twice if I'm lucky.

I walk the dog in the a.m. for about 30 min with my husband - that is the only time we are alone and can discuss things -usually it's my son and his behaviour, progress or lack of it.

Well, I do agree with you and Diane about cutting his 'chores' out in the morning. It's just not working for us, so we'll try this. I'm up for anything, at this point, that can improve our relationship. My younger son will be glad, too!

I really want to work out...I'm just going to try and start getting up earlier to do it. It's something you truly have to act as though it is neccessary...it almost is because of the positive affects it has (for me, anyway!). I appreciate your push back in that direction, I know my husband tells me to but it's different when it comes from another mom who 'gets it'.

As for your son, he's at a hard age altogether. YIKES! We have a 'normal' 13 year old and he's just....well, awkward. His communication leaves little to be desired and it's just a hard age for us and for them. He'll mature and it'll click. Just buy a punching bag! ha ha ha I'm with ya!!

Yoga is something I haven't tried, is it more for stretching/relaxing or is it a WORKOUT? Just curious about that...

FIGHT" to me is when I have to YELL to get him motivated every single day to get up and get dressed...it isn't so much a fight as it is a battle and then, of course, the yelling makes him (obviously) defensive and THEN it's a fight because he's one stubborn guy! And so, I don't know what else I can do to get him up and going without me having to be his shadow. I've made very simple but very specific charts to help him with his morning activities. Our daily lives are so routine I often just think "Lord, if he can't get this I don't know what else to do" . I try to give him some free time to play but because it isn't STRUCTURED, it often gets ugly (flopping around like a fish and such)...drives me crazy!

I use tricks. I used to set out the clothes for the next day. I called the kids once to get up. Then I would pick up the cat [who followed me around like a watch dog]. I took the cat to the kitchen and fixed her meal. The kids had been told that when they heard the canopener, they had to be out of bed. When they heard the washer start, they had to be dressed, etc until they were ready for school. If they were not ready, there was a consequence.[mommy dressed them and treated the as toddlers for the entire day]

One time my oldest son decided that if he delayed long enough getting dressed that he would miss the bus.[and not have to go to school]

I calmly picked up his clothes and put them on the front porch. I took him by the earlobe to the porch [while just in his underwear]. He had less than 2 minutes until the bus stopped and everyone would see him. He got dressed. He was about 6 or 7 at the time.

Another time [when older] he missed the bus and figured that I would take him. Nope. He walked, I drove just behind him to insure that he made it safely. Let's just say it was at least a couple of miles.

And for the yelling at kids? A kindergarten teacher, 30 yrs ago, taught me that when you want to engage a child's attention ,to NEVER yell. The trick is to lower and soften your voice each time so that the child has to strain to hear what you have to say. When you yell, the child's hackles rise and his hearing aide shuts down. It works!

[so, ok, I'm guilty of yelling from time to time! lol!]

I have found that the secret is that when each day is over;it is over. I don't allow any of the frustrations, anger or behaviors of one day carry over or infect my attitude the next day.

I remind myself that my expectations and frustrations are caused by me and not by my adhder's inabilities. Then I break my requests, chores, etc for him down into even smaller segments. I remind myself to praise the success, no matter how minor.

Each day is new and unused.

Now, before you think I'm applying for sainthood, I have pounded my pillow, howled at the moon and vented to my best friend. I have had to physically remove myself before I STRANGLED him! lol!

At the end of the day. I let it all go......

say the serenity prayer -- "grant me the courage to change the things I can. the patience to accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference" -- it brings perspective

remember that we experience lots of downs and therefore appreciate even the littlest success all the more. we take nothing for granted in our children's lives and that adds a richness to our lives that others can't fathom.

i too have a lot of anxiety about my DS. sometimes i have to grab a cleaning product and just clean the heck out of the tub, or the stove, or anything tedious to just to get my mind off of things. this is how i sometimes recharge.

Prozac and Therapy!

[QUOTE=granny Fran]

I have pounded my pillow, howled at the moon and vented to my best friend. I have had to physically remove myself before I STRANGLED him! lol!

[/QUOTE]

But I think I'll have to add howling at the moon to my repertoire! I like the sound of that!

I appreciate all of these soooo much!!

I do try to start each new day fresh but it's not easy for me...I tend to carry over from the previous day! How unfair to our ds is that??? I try really hard and feel like a big fat floppy failure because lately it has not been going well. We fight every morning, every afternoon and every night. I try so hard to keep a fresh and lighter (more positive) attitude but it takes one thing and I'm over it...I have made it a lesson for ds too, though. I tell him "Well, see there...mom just had a tantrum." And then we start our do-over, I have to have them as well as ds! WE both get a laugh sometimes too when he's really pitched me some hard balls and I say 'You know what? I love you, you little turkey!" and it does lighten the situation.

We don't get enough time out (dh and I). Neither one of us is very good at handling stress and we can both tell when we desperately need a night out. We try, and it helps tremendously. I don't ever get a night out to myself. I barely get 30 minutes in the bathroom to myself. Not kidding. My drive to work from daycare is not even 5 minutes, so there's not much time for me catching a few moments of silence/solitude/regrouping...yesterday (when I wrote this) I was feeling anxious and nervous and just BLAH! But today, the sun is shining and I have counted my blessings, so ... I plan on trying a few of the things you all mentioned. And by the way, it really helps to know I'm not alone!

It's tough. Everything everyone has already said I totally support. You do have to find time for yourself but it's so hard. What you are feeling is so normal.

My husand and I try to get out alone - it's tough because he works on the weekends and we have to find nights when he's actually home and then schedule the grandparents to watch my son. My husband and I try to get away for atleast one weekend alone.

I practice yoga and make it a point to get to at least one class a week. This gets me out of the house for a couple of hours where I can't be disturbed and can reduce the stress. I have some stress reducing practices that I can do at home but somehow, at home, I'm always being interrupted. I try to meditate and ground my mind - if I can quiet the constant chatter I can make clear decisions. Not an easy thing.

I workout with aerobics and weights at least 4 - 5 days a week. This is my time. If I'm feeling really angry or especially stressed, there is nothing like a good long hard aerobic workout or kickbox routine.

I come to this board for support and have recently started seeing my own therapist because I don't want to live every day anymore 24/7 with anxiety about my son. I have found that I am having more anxiety lately and it's all about my son. I can handle every other problem and crisis in my life but his situtation pushes me over the edge.

Also, I try to remind myself to look at the big picture. I try to look at the positives - very hard to do when you have a 14 year old raging and failing school.

I used to belong to a book club but it' kind of fell apart. That was at least a night out once a month. I'd love to join another one if I could find one.

My gal friend and I have been trying to plan a night out for months. Even to just get out for a cup of coffee and a change of scenery.

I say that serenity prayer - often

I have also found that my dog provides a nice relief - he just gives unconditional love and there is nothing more fun than running with a collie pup - personal trainer and therapist all in one.

bebop, I appreciate everything you said... It's all very much my life.. Except the working out part! I want to so badly but feel so exhausted by the end of the day...It's kind of a vicious cycle. I'm tired because I quit working out but life and not working out makes me tired... I feel so much better when I get to, though.

Anxiety is my newest thing...causing me lots of grief right now...But slowing down and couting my blessings and as you said- looking at the big picture really helps (DS is only 6, not yet in the teens THANK GOD!!)

Thanks for writing!!

Posted: April 16 2008 at 6:48am | IP Logged

I appreciate all of these soooo much!!

You have to remember that the minute you engage in a fight; you have lost. You have to disengage. Send the child to a neutral area or remove yourself. Calmly tell the child that you will continue the conversation when A] you have yourself under control, or B] when she has herself under control. It is important tht these kids see that we ,as adults, have difficulties too and that we need to take steps to deal with our feelings. Then WALK AWAY.

Then take that extra second and ask yourself what difference this arguement will have by the end of the day. Is it you having to be right or the child having to be right? Or is it something that a natural consequence can accomplish better.

I rarely get away from my kid. in fact in the past 38 yrs ,I have only spent 1 weekend away[not counting hospitalizations] I have always[since they were little enough for afternoon naps] demanded 1 hour of quiet time for me during the day. They may play quietly, read or watch tv. But, it is my time to curl up and read, or talk on the phone or just crochet and zone out. They have learned that I am not available for them at this time but when the time is up I will be there in full force again.

Kids need to learn that everyone needs a little personal time. And, they can learn it.

The key word here is respect. If my kid of the moment talks nastily to me, I ask him what I did to cause him to be so disrespectful towards me. In return I have to be respectful towards him. I let the kids know when they have hurt my feelings. and, I apologize when I have hurt theirs.

Granny Fran - You said something that made me think. My kid is oppositional and just turns everything into a fight. On those days when I'm calm and focused I can walk away and just say" I'm not going there."

He's constantly disrespectful and the next time, (which will probably be tonight), I'm going to say to him" What have I done to you to have you talk to me this way?" I'm sure he'll give me an answer.

I've done that too - lost it and then said to my son, "see, everyone gets angry and loses it from time to time."

Ilovemyboys - try to get back into exercising - even if it's 15 min a day - you need to take care of your body or your mind will suffer too. I work out to videos - I have a huge collection but there are so many with routines that are just 15 min. Even if you get out of bed and do 10 min. of stretches - do something because you are doing something for YOU that is GOOD FOR YOU. We spend our lives taking care of everybody else and we are the first ones that neglect ourselves but if we aren't phsycially and mentally healthy, we can't be there for our kids.

I forgot one good stress reliever - a nice glass of red wine, a good old movie - no violence - happy ending - but then we have to find the time.