Anger/ADHD/EDF | ADHD Information

Hi all!

I'm pretty new to the boards, and my son is only 6 1/2, so we're not dealing with the lovely teen years yet, but I do have one thing I just want to suggest to perhaps deal with some of the stress.

I took a "Love and Logic" class last year to get some help with ds, before he was diagnosed, and one key point they kept making was to remember who owns the problem in the end.

Even though, we as parents feel embarrassed, upset, ashamed if our children arrive at school disheveled, dirty, wearing mismatched clothes...it's not our problem. I figure, does it really end up hurting me in the long run if my kid isn't in clean clothes or freshly showered? Nope. Same for homework. I just remind my son I'll always love him, even if he has to repeat first grade because he didn't get his homework done. Admittedly, he usually does get his work done at home (eventually!) so I haven't had to actually deal with that situation, but truly, in the long run, I've decided I have to pick and choose the battles I'm gonna fight with him.

But before ds was diagnosed, and even still now, I have people all the time giving me suggestions "how to handle him," anything from changing diet, changing meds, to better parenting skills (I've taken two full parenting classes in the last 4 years, plus read TONS of books and articles on parenting, since I also have a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old.) to spanking him...gosh, just everything!

People seem very eager at times to give their two cents, but not to give a shoulder to cry on, an offer to pray for us, or babysit even, a "You're doing the best you can with the resources you have!"

Since I'm not an expert, I'm here to offer you the shoulder to cry on, and the prayers for you, your son, your son's father, anyone. And to tell you I do believe you're doing the best you can with your resources. Some people may think that they have their lives better figured out, despite their own issues, and look to make everyone else feel bad that they don't, but I don't feel that way.

I'm here for you, Yme! I often feel that way too.

I do try to think about people that have it worse than me, to remember to be grateful to God for what I do have, but that can be very hard when your ds is screaming at you at the top of his lungs, and things look so bleak! I'm sorry for everything going on in your life, and in the lives of the other posters here!

Love, prayers, hugs!!! Hang in there!!!

Yours!

Yme,

My posting wasn't to one up you. It was meant to show you that you are still in a Yme mode. I'm trying to shake you out of it. Long ago I heard of someone who asked God' Why me.' The answer was 'Why not you?.' That is what I'm trying to get across.

You are feeling sorry for yourself right now. And, yes, it is ok to do so once in awhile. But, what often happens is that it becomes so ingrained that the one doing so doesn't see it.

As hard as this is on you, think about how hard it is for your child. You cannot even begin to comprehend how difficult it is for him.

If, as you say, he is being shuffled to 3 households because of circumstances, he is getting taught by3 conflicting adults as well as his teachers.

You need to all get on the same page.

You may have to take the time to write out a list of behaviors and reinforcements that you want eveyone to use. Do the same for consequences. I say consequences, because with these kids, punishment doesn't work. They forget what it is they are being punished for or why they are being punished in the 1st place.

You have already learned that making lists for your child doesn't work. Think about what you know does work. You have to build on that. It can be something as simple as he cleaned his plate, next put it in the sink, or if he had a drink of milk, to rinse out the glass. Ok, 90% of the time he will forget. So there has to be a consequence. The milk ,for instance: If he didn't rinse out the glass, he will have to wash it before he gets another drink because he is not allowed another clean glass. If he does happen to rinse it out, praise the heck out of him for remembering. Yes, it is laborious, but it does work.

Like most teens, he doesn't want to go to school or do his homework, right? Wherever he goes after school, he must do his homework then or pay the consequence. The consequence can be a failing grade and denial of video game priveges, for example.

If he doesn't want to take his med, tough. You are the adult parent and you make that decision; not him. He may not like it but he has to understand that you are the authority figure.

Does your son have an iep? If not, write to the school[they will ignore phone calls] By law they have either 45 or 60 days to set a meeting up.[depending on the state you live in] He has been dxed with EDF, but has he been evaluated for his strengths and weaknesses? When you have a handle on those , you will be able to make a better game plan.

I'm inclosing a couple of websites that you may want to check out. I have found them helpful.

Wrightslaw Yellow Pages For Kids with Disabilities

Special Educational Diagnosis Checklist

TYPES OF LEARNING DISABILITIES

SchwabLearning.org - Assessing Students with Learning Disabilities under No Ch

Disability Shame Speaks

Learning Disabilities OnLine: LD In-Depth: Und

erstanding Tests and Measuremen

Invisible Disabilities in the Educational System

Executive Function: The High Priestess of the Cognitive System

Parenting Special Kids

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Thanks for a helpful response. Essentially, the lists have become useless here as well too. He won't look at them as he forgets they are there or becomes defiant. It REALLY is upsetting to hear that there seems to be no other way than following him around like a cop. I feel so upset that there isn't something else. I will see about the pill before waking thing. I am a VERY deep sleeper in the mornings as my body wants to sleep days vs. nights, so it is hard for me to get up and then go back to bed. I get up at 6 myself. (I worked many years the graveyard shift, and am just now changing to days, so it has been very hard adjusting - which is also why it is more difficult. I used to have all the time in the world to follow him around as I would go back to bed once I got him to school. Now I have 2 of us to get ready.)
Thanks again.
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The point is you wont have to follow him around like a cop always, just til he gets it. That may take three weeks or three years, but what are you going to do. Like the above posters mention, let go what you can let go and pick the battlles you must, and get the help of school, if he has a learning disability they must help educate him. His IQ isnt going to matter if he cant learn. By law they're required to help, it just take a lot and I mean a LOT of work on the parents part to hold them to it, but you can do it. Read the links to GrannyFrans suggested sites they are very helpful and keep asking, some of us have had a LOT fo experience with the schools.

Welcome to the forum! You are definitely not alone! This board has been a huge help to me - I don't have anyone to talk with that understands what it is like. My DS is 12 and he was diagnosed when he was 5. Everything as gone well until this year. Like you, I have trouble figuring out what is normal puberty related behavior and what is his ADHD. Also, thank you for mentioning EDF - I have never heard of it but am going to look it up. From what you mentioned I wonder if my DS could have this as well.

Good luck and we are here for you!

You have every right to your feelings. They're normal! I have felt much the same way at times and sometimes the frustration just runs very HIGH! You found a good outlet by coming here, I've learned much by reading people's comments and posting helps too. You've gotten a lot of good advice and I hope things go easier for you.

MondiH83139556.3113657407 [QUOTE=blondesoprano]Hi all!

I'm pretty new to the boards, and my son is only 6 1/2, so we're not dealing with the lovely teen years yet, but I do have one thing I just want to suggest to perhaps deal with some of the stress.

I took a "Love and Logic" class last year to get some help with ds, before he was diagnosed, and one key point they kept making was to remember who owns the problem in the end.

Even though, we as parents feel embarrassed, upset, ashamed if our children arrive at school disheveled, dirty, wearing mismatched clothes...it's not our problem. I figure, does it really end up hurting me in the long run if my kid isn't in clean clothes or freshly showered? Nope. Same for homework. I just remind my son I'll always love him, even if he has to repeat first grade because he didn't get his homework done. Admittedly, he usually does get his work done at home (eventually!) so I haven't had to actually deal with that situation, but truly, in the long run, I've decided I have to pick and choose the battles I'm gonna fight with him.

But before ds was diagnosed, and even still now, I have people all the time giving me suggestions "how to handle him," anything from changing diet, changing meds, to better parenting skills (I've taken two full parenting classes in the last 4 years, plus read TONS of books and articles on parenting, since I also have a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old.) to spanking him...gosh, just everything!

People seem very eager at times to give their two cents, but not to give a shoulder to cry on, an offer to pray for us, or babysit even, a "You're doing the best you can with the resources you have!"

Since I'm not an expert, I'm here to offer you the shoulder to cry on, and the prayers for you, your son, your son's father, anyone. And to tell you I do believe you're doing the best you can with your resources. Some people may think that they have their lives better figured out, despite their own issues, and look to make everyone else feel bad that they don't, but I don't feel that way.

I'm here for you, Yme! I often feel that way too.

I do try to think about people that have it worse than me, to remember to be grateful to God for what I do have, but that can be very hard when your ds is screaming at you at the top of his lungs, and things look so bleak! I'm sorry for everything going on in your life, and in the lives of the other posters here!

Love, prayers, hugs!!! Hang in there!!!

Yours!

[/QUOTE]

Isn't it true how everyone is a know it all know nothing in this world?! I mean, can you imagine someone with a completely "normal" child having the balls to act like they have a clue? Unreal. My "family" (that is in quotes because they act anything but) blames me for everything. My own mother doesn't invite her grandson over to her house because she thinks he is a mess maker and I am a lazy mother because I don't yell at him constantly.

I have learned to pick and choose battles years ago, or I would only be yelling nonstop. However, I am truly lost now with regards to expectation levels for him. I can't tell where laziness ends and disability begins, etc. This couldn't have been a truer statement if I made it myself:

People seem very eager at times to give their two cents, but not to give a shoulder to cry on, an offer to pray for us, or babysit even.

I asked my mother a month in advance to watch my son for ONE DAY AND OVERNIGHT. My mother has an empty nest other than her husband. (She does work though.)

Not only did she not offer to help, but refused to watch my son. My mother hasn't babysat for me in so long, I truly can't remember when she did last. (I think diapers were involved.)

She sure knows how to boss me around though with regards to telling me just how badly I am doing as a mother!

I think of the rest of the world and what they deal with too. My issues by comparison are minimal, however, sometimes one needs to vent, which once again, is why I hoped to find others dealing with similar issues. Without each other, sometimes we have no one.

Thanks for your kind words. If you need to chat, I am here as well.

[QUOTE=Diane V]

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Please reread my postings as I think you missed quite a bit. My son has an IEP already in place. I have tried to get him to be self sufficient in every possible way I can think of, and all so far that have been suggested online here. Do you know what EDF is? Please do a google on it if not. You will understand a bit more why ADHD mixed with EDF is a whole different ball of wax.

I also think you may have mixed me up with someone else when you were talking about IQ.

My main issues: support for me dealing with the stresses of parenting a child like this, finding ways to help his EDF symptoms, and getting him more self sufficient.

The school is doing their part, and I haven't complained about them once. My main problems are his disorganization, lack of concentration, losing and breaking things, not being able to complete a task from start to finish no matter how simple the task is, and teenage sarcasm. (I am sure I will think of others.)
Thanks for your time.
[QUOTE=Greyhoundmom03]

Good luck and we are here for you!

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Thank you for your kind words! I was trying to explain to everyone that until a couple of days ago, I didn't know what EDF was. It stands for executive functions (the D of course is dysfunction). (It was hard to find as it isn't exactly well understood or agreed upon nowadays - but it all made sense to me once I read about it.) They are explained on a website that I think I am not allowed to post here as I did so once, and had my posts removed. Do a search for "school behavior". The dot com of it is where I got my info. The symptoms are already some things we deal with; the revelation is that it is a life long thing that isn't helped by meds so far. That made me cry. Thanks for your kind words, and for being here. If you need someone in similar shoes, here I am.
[QUOTE=MondiH831]

[/QUOTE]

Thanks for such a positive response. Sometimes that is all one needs.

[

Please reread my postings as I think you missed quite a bit. My son has an IEP already in place. I have tried to get him to be self sufficient in every possible way I can think of, and all so far that have been suggested online here. Do you know what EDF is? Please do a google on it if not. You will understand a bit more why ADHD mixed with EDF is a whole different ball of wax.

I also think you may have mixed me up with someone else when you were talking about IQ.

My main issues: support for me dealing with the stresses of parenting a child like this, finding ways to help his EDF symptoms, and getting him more self sufficient.

The school is doing their part, and I haven't complained about them once. My main problems are his disorganization, lack of concentration, losing and breaking things, not being able to complete a task from start to finish no matter how simple the task is, and teenage sarcasm. (I am sure I will think of others.)
Thanks for your time.
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Thank you, but as my daughter also suffers EDF I am very aware of what it is. She is the same age as your son and has a lot of the same issues. I was trying to offer you some insight as to what services we have learned are out there TO HELP CHILDREN BECOME INDEPENDANT ADULTS. If you read all of my responses to you, you would have seen that she has the same issues. I was looking for ways to offer help to you to eliminate your stress.................

Oh my goodness, we are all hurting so much for our children now....how we can help them deal with day to day life and how we can prepare them for the future. I have only been able to take one day at a time- and a lot of times lately even that seems overwhelming. We are here to listen. Maybe someone needs to start a thread called: JUST LISTEN & SAY SOMETHING NICE

If you would like some things that have worked for me and my son I would be happy to share them- as far as organizational skills. You can PM me or let me know. Of course each child is different so you may have to tweak them...

Just know that we are all here for you and your child!!

Randy

Hi- if this will help there is an article about executive function and adhd in chadd magazine. Here is the url: http://www.chrisdendy.com/executive.htmHi again!

I wasn't sure what edf was myself: googling only gave me strange scientific/computer things, but when I typed it plus adhd, then I finally found the info. I found a page that helped me understand:

http://home.comcast.net/~kskkight/EFD.htm

And I also got something from a friend of mine who has two children with ADHD: she got it from their doctors early on: It says that, if we could just imagine we always had only 3 seconds to live, what kinds of actions would we take? Impulsive, greedy, pleasure-producing actions, right? (If we're brutally honest with ourselves

) And the person said that that's the kind of thinking that children with ADHD often have: no concept of consequences or past memories of experiences, they just often are always in the NOW of their lives.

When I read that, it made SO many aggravating behaviors my son has just make total sense! I'm still not thrilled to have to deal with some of them, because it sure takes a lot of patience to remind him that he does, indeed, have to wash those hands after using restroom, and always answering the sure-to-follow, "but why?" with an explanation about germs!

Ah, just one of the many daily battles, eh?

Diane V, Thanks so much for pointing us in the direction of this executive dysfunction thing! Very helpful to research!

and Randyjim, I've been reading about some of your struggles. My heart goes out to you! Thank you for reminding us that kindness should always be our first goal in life...so easy to get caught up in emotion!!!

Til the next posting, thank you all my new friends!

Every single day (it seems like it, anyway) for many years, my DS/ADHD will not get out of bed - it has been such a huge struggle and recurring theme; my husband and I feel like we are living like Bill Murray in "Groundhound Day" (remember that one?) ... same thing, over and over and over. We look at each other and say, will this ever get better?

Oh, and BTW, DS does have/has had many attempts to assist/guide/help him through his struggles (mom, dad, teachers, guidance counselors, principals, pediatrician, psychotherapists, and psychiatrists); I add that just to clarify that he's not left to struggle with this alone/don't want others to think we don't think of his struggles...

On a positive note, I do have to say that when my DS does make strides, no matter how small, he does get praise and encouragement! However, I definitely can relate to the teen boy/not starting or not finishing tasks/poor hygiene(much better as of late/that Axe stuff really works)/doesn't get out of bed thing!

Good luck to you! Keep on ventin'! Most of us need to at one time or another!

[QUOTE=hanginindere]

Good luck to you! Keep on ventin'! Most of us need to at one time or another!

[/QUOTE]

Imagine if you could barely get yourself out of bed, and had to deal with a kid like this also! I am a night owl both by nature, and by profession for decades. This has changed within the past month, and now instead of only having to get my son ready, come back and go back to bed myself, I have to also be ready to leave: all by 7:30. Sounds like a normal time, but not if you need to spend most of your morning dragging someone else out of bed, and constantly asking them, "did you XXX? (Trying all along to move onto the next thing on the "list of ten" [things to do to get ready in the AM] that has been typed up and hanging on the wall, unchanged for the past 5 years!!)

I am sure you all understand this. Thanks for allowing the venting. If you have any ideas on how to get him on track, PLEASE share any successes. They all help, no matter if it is me - or someone else reading this.
I have known my son was different than the other kids since he was 2. In the first or second grade, his EXTREMELY excessive hyperactivity led to him falling out of his chair from rocking it back and forth so often that the teacher decided to count and it came to about 17 times in that day.
My son has since been diagnosed with ADHD and is on medication for it. He has been since the third grade. He is now 13. However, when he is at home, for example in the mornings prior to medication, or after school (medication has worn off) he is so challenging!
I do not have ADHD; I am sort of the opposite in fact, and his hyperactivity, lack of focus and concentration makes me downright irritable. It is tough.
Lately, I have become very angry because I feel that by 13, one should be able to complete a list that mom has written for you, taped over your mirror in the bathroom, and that is a standard get ready in the morning list of things one does to begin their day.
However, instead, my son doesn't look at it. He can not get himself ready in the mornings WHATSOEVER. If he had to, he would oversleep, put on dirty clothes, not wash his face/brush his teeth, etc. and walk out the door like all is well-whenever that might occur. [Another example: he went away to sleep away camp last summer and I made the mistake to allow his ADD having dad to pack his things-thereby forgetting to send him with a towel for the showers. He went the entire week without showering because he didn't know how to problem solve!]
So. I lost it this morning. Sorry to gross out the males reading, but it is my time of the month, and my fuse was very short. I started to yell as I could not believe that a person who is nearly the same size as me, is in fact a teenager cannot do these simple things.
I felt sad and desperate today. I felt that I would have to consider alternative custody arrangements soon as he is simply not listening to me (and I am getting more and more angry and impatient). I share custody with his dad. Then I did a search for a support group for parents of ADHD kids as I am alone in this situation. I found this forum. Upon reading through one of the threads, there came a link to another website and lo and behold I found the answer to why my kid cannot do such a simple thing: EDF. The site is www.schoolbehavior.com and then look up the condition: Executive Dysfunction. Even when my son is on his medication, he cannot do many of the things mentioned when one has EDF.
Mainly I joined this forum for support for myself. I have no support system. No one understands what it is like to have a child with this in my life. I am really needing some support.
[I should perhaps have broken this post up upon rereading it, so I suppose if anyone wants to respond on any of the topics, feel free.]
Thanks for listening.

.Thank you all so much for responding!!! I can tell I have found the answer to my prayers in that there are others that know what I am going through - and now where to find you. Although some of the items below are addressed as responses to certain people, please read this all if you want to as it fills in holes so to speak about me and my situation.

I wanted to clear up a number of things that I either failed to mention or were misinterpreted.

1. I have many of my own health problems. I just do not have ADHD. I suffer from many mental AND physical issues of my own. I have seen many doctors, been on/tried/am on many meds, and I am functioning better now than I have in years. However, I have severe PMDD and no medication of any sort (I have tried them all) has done one thing to change the fact that I feel possessed by the devil for about 7-10 days per month. During this time of month, I try to have my son spend as much time with his dad or grandparents as I can, but in truth, they do not understand themselves what I deal with, and I also have a child who thinks I should just "chill out"-so once again no one in my life understands ANY of MY health conditions either. Including those who deal with their own health conditions. So, closing this point up, you all caught me during the bad days and I really vented more than I normally do in real life.

2. When I was discussing custody of my son, what I should have made clear was that MOST teenage boys - no matter if they have ADHD or not - tend to want to live with dad either full time or majority time when they get older. Mommy is who they are closest with when they are little - and then dad, being a large kid himself, is more fun than mom who has more rules than dad. So, it isn't as though I am saying I don't want my son. OR THAT HE IS A TOY! (that was actually kind of rude whoever said that) It just is that it has been EXTREMELY difficult for him to go from home to home the way he has in our custody arrangement and also keep his books, papers, homework, prized possessions, etc. with him. Not to mention all of our sanity! We do not have a set schedule due to his dad changing jobs and not having a set schedule. In addition to that, he also spends time with his grandparents as I work full time and do not get out of work prior to him getting done with school. The "3 households" situation is NOT helping his organization but rather making a desperate situation impossible. I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT IS BEST FOR MY SON-AS I ALWAYS HAVE DONE. A GOOD MOTHER SACRIFICES HER OWN DESIRES - AS MY DESIRE WOULD BE TO KEEP HIM WITH ME ALL THE TIME!

3. What Granny and maybe others missed is that once I read and found out what EDF was - I got it! I had NO IDEA that there was something other than ADHD that my child was dealing with - and the symptoms of it. Once I read the symptoms/dysfunctions of the EF system, I realized (with tears in my eyes) that my son wasn't just lazy, or immature or that his ADHD meds weren't working- but rather that he will suffer a lifetime with time management issues and many other issues that we take for granted. I GET IT. But, just so you know me a bit better: I have been the one since he was two telling dad to lower HIS expectations as he had a "disability" in some areas. I just couldn't believe that by the time my son was a teen he still couldn't do what I thought was doable for him. And, again, I don't have his particular issues - so it is hard to discern what is disability and what is typical teenage laziness/belligerence.

4. To wagst5: thank you for your kind words and help. It really did make me feel better.

5. To granny: when you say I need to focus on what my kid can do: I swear to you the only things I see him do well is watch TV and play video games and use the computer. He can't clean his room, he is getting poor grades, he sasses his mom, he won't help out around the house, he has NO motivation to go outside even to play or call friends to hang out, etc. I am trying so hard to find an area to praise him, and every once in a while I do - but it is SO infrequent. I love my son immensely. NOTHING would make me happier than to be positive rather than negative. I was raised with a yelling, hitting, abusive, negative mother and have worked SO HARD to be different with my child. I succeed more than I fail - but I do fail sometimes too. Oh, and actually, when you said "whining isn't going to help" what you should realize is that what is said online is very often the only outlet for people like me. It is actually venting to get the poison out of my soul.

As far as the list of jobs you mentioned: 1. I have spent his ENTIRE life educating myself about his condition. Especially since I had no idea what the problem was. I have been to more doctors than I can count. I have read books, looked online, etc. I merely didn't know what EDF was, and therefore thought his meds should be doing more than they were. But as of yesterday, I know more now. 2. My son has an IEP at school and has since the third grade. I am WELL aware of that process and his rights/responsibilities. 3. My son's father and I have been through counseling, and my son has both joined us, and gone himself. It helped my son's father and I get along better. We get along 90% of the time, a best case scenario for us. [His dad has a bad temper.] To me, at this point, counseling for my son may be in order, as we discontinued yrs. ago because we got a good handle on things. But now that he has some new issues, we may go back. I don't exactly know what respite care is or how it would apply here, so please let me know about that if you don't mind. (I will also do an online search for myself) 4. As far as a parenting class, not sure what that would do since I am very well skilled at parenting. My main problems lie in my own health issues actually which get in the way of many aspects of my life: my son included. Oh, and I have been to many drs. myself, am on many medications for my issues, and yet some health problems do not have a magic pill to make them go away. I haven't mentioned my laundry list of health issues, but let's just say I struggle to get out of bed each day and keep a smile on my face. I am in chronic pain due to something that will never go away, and at this point in medicine, it cannot be fixed. [I am also about to lose my health insurance and am struggling financially - which merely adds to my stress level. The dollar amount of medications alone that I take is over 0 - not including my son's. Luckily he will be able to stay on his dad's insurance. I no longer qualify for the insurance through the state and also cannot pay for the insurance offered at my job. I will now have to play the what medicines can I do without/take lower doses of game.] I take yoga and take my lunch hour at work outside in peace to help me center. When I am not PMDDing, it works wonders. When I am PMDDing, it helps only slightly.

6. Randyjim: I mentioned in the above replies with regards to my own situations. I do love my child unconditionally. HOWEVER, love has nothing to do with stress in this situation. I love him, no matter what. I don't LIKE dealing with the stresses of his conditions. I think that is normal. I have been THE ONLY active person in his medical treatment for many years now. Dad leaves this up to me. Regarding teens and hygiene, I thank you for adding that. Perhaps you or others can give me ideas for the mornings. I have some symptoms of narcolepsy and it is VERY hard for me to wake up in the mornings. I am always running late myself. (I take medication for this, but not until I wake up as I also have problems falling asleep, so if I took it before bed, I wouldn't sleep then. I have overlapping physical issues with symptoms that affect each other negatively with regards to trying to treat them.) It is imperative that my child be able to do his morning routine with as much independence as possible. How in the heck am I going to get him to at the very least get out of bed on time if I have my own problems with doing so? This is also why I mentioned changing custodial arrangements. It may be better for him to be with someone who doesn't have my challenges in the mornings. I want only the best for him. Oh, and my son uses and loves the axe body spray - when he remembers to use it!!!!! Oh, dear lord give me strength! It is like when it mentioned on the info about EDF how they leave their most prized possessions elsewhere. It is not his fault, but that doesn't make it any less stressful for me or him. Thanks for your kind words, too.

7. Diane V.: I have a list of the morning routine written out, in bright, legible marker, taped right above his bathroom sink so that he can simply go down the list. He FORGETS TO LOOK AT IT OR FORGETS WHERE HE LEFT OFF. We do the SAME EXACT MORNING ROUTINE IN ORDER EVERYDAY. He simply CANNOT do so without me literally following him around. He loses track of time to no end. He has at least an hour to get ready. HE IS A BOY, WITH SHORT HAIR. Not his mom who has to dry her hair, and then set it, put on makeup, nylons, etc. Literally it could take him several weeks to do what needs to be done in the morning if he had to do it himself without one of his parents there to help him. And he would get distracted in the middle of it all, and never finish anyway! It is a lost cause. I cue him all morning long. He STILL cannot do more than one thing at a time, and will get distracted in the middle of the SINGULAR TASK!!!! I feel hopeless that he will ever be able to function normally in society. By normally, I mean the things one needs to do to have and to keep a job. We do set out his clothes at night, but he will lose them from the night before to the morning of somehow. I swear there is a black hole in the middle of his room that eats clothes!! As far as his meds go - they have little affect on this problem. And then I worry about them running out in his last class, etc. if he takes it too early. Also, it takes about 30 minutes or so for it to kick in anyway. Thanks for your ideas and reply.

8. Okiemom: wow you have a lot to deal with yourself. My son is of above average intelligence, but not that far above. I know that I have to adjust my expectations, but I am so overwhelmed and do not know where to begin to get a child who is a space cadet so to speak to do even one thing without me LITERALLY following him and watching him like a hawk. It is so overwhelming. I tell him: brush your teeth. I wait about 3-5 minutes and say: "did you brush your teeth?" he has instead been staring at something for the whole time or has crawled back into bed while I was brushing my own teeth. He doesn't like to get up in the mornings either, so it is a fight just to get him upright. I have been working on this already for years. When will he be able to get himself ready in the mornings? I mean, seriously?! How old is old enough? I can't and won't follow him to work as an adult! Lord, I freak out about these things. My son also has nearly zero common sense or problem solving skills either. I swear the things I could tell you about him! When oh when do these kids have some maturity and problem solving skills? I am FAR from a perfectionist and NEVER have been. I wasn't an A student, and do not expect A's from him either. I just need some help from him around the house at times, and to be able to do some things independently ASAP. I have been to therapy for years. It won't change my medical conditions. It has helped in so many ways, believe it or not, I am MUCH better now than when I was younger. I am already on antidepressants. I have tried them all. Particularly since that is how they treat PMDD, however, it doesn't change my feelings of stress. Mother Teresa I think would be stressed out dealing with my child and my own health issues, money issues, family issues, etc. I come here to vent. I tell my son I love him every single day and have his whole life. I hug him even when I want to strangle him. My main issue is that when I have PMDD, my evil twin shows up and turns into a tornado of yelling. I have actually had to explain to my son what PMS and PMDD is because he needs to know that it isn't his fault mom is crazy. IT IS MOM'S. I have to tell him: "this is the week, make sure you know it isn't your fault I am yelling." How does one give a child his meds BEFORE he wakes up? My son does have a short acting for after school homework help. And, as you mentioned, the EDF is almost not at all helped by his medication. This scares me the most. What the heck does one do to deal with this? I have read about having something like a PDA to go off every so often when needed as a coping skill to know when to do something, but I can't afford anything like that, and know my son would lose it anyway! My teenager who has a bunch of rich friends with cell phones have had them since they were in the second grade. He begged for one for years. He finally got one for his 13th birthday whereupon he lost the charger within days, and left it at one home after the other so that he never was able to use it anyway! He truly is dealing with something so overwhelming I am just plain lost as to how to help him become INDEPENDENT.

Anyway, thanks for your reply, I am feeling not so alone now. I literally have lost almost all of my friends due to my medical issues and my family is VERY dysfunctional and they do not live near me anyway. I am truly alone in this world other than my child. I feel so angry that as someone with major health issues I can't lean on my child a little, but rather, his issues eclipse mine. I know I am the adult. However, imagine having MAJOR health problems. I used a cane for some time and have a hard time in getting up the stairs sometimes. I wish I could have my child at least help out with some housework. He simply cannot. He does everything wrong and I have to redo it over and over again. No matter that I have shown him how to do the task dozens of times, have typewritten out the instructions, and taped it right above where the task is located. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.
I will stay on the boards as it is my only way to speak with others dealing with this. I need some help! As far as ignoring those who are ignorant and causing problems: this would include most of my family which is why I am alone. My mother was prepared to testify against me in my custody trial due to me being the only one who noticed that my son was different than the other kids since preschool. I had him majority time when he was younger and KNEW he had at least ADHD or something similar when he was 2. I would notice him in the presence of other children, and the GLARING differences were obvious to me. My son's father, also having ADHD himself, and my mother, who doesn't believe in mental illnesses whatsoever decided that I was merely lazy and didn't want to parent my child and simply wanted to drug him to deal with his ALL DAY, NEVERENDING hyperactivity. There was a period of time that I had to take him to the emergency room over and over again as he kept injuring himself the minute I turned my back. Needless to say: I barely talk to my mom. My sisters are even worse. ONE WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO SPEND TIME WITH HER CHILDREN UNSUPERVISED. Even though I have been a parent 8 yrs. longer than she has, and have a challenging child, unlike her perfect children with no disabilities or problems AT ALL. So, I have cut off a lot of toxic people already, but a good idea you added, and thank you for it.
I wonder if you have any idea how much longer it will take our kids to become able to complete life skill tasks such as getting oneself ready for work or school, caring for a home, etc.

Lastly, I am a young mother. I became pregnant when I wasn't prepared to do so. It has kept me from attaining my own goals in life in many ways. This makes me resentful too. (It is certainly not my child's fault, but I feel like a bird in a cage most of the time.) So, now you have a much larger picture of what the situation is, and can reply accordingly if you choose.

THANK YOU ALL!

Joined: April 16 2008
Posts: 3 Posted: April 17 2008 at 1:36pm | IP Logged

.Thank you all so much for responding!!! I can tell I have found the answer to my prayers in that there are others that know what I am going through - and now where to find you. Although some of the items below are addressed as responses to certain people, please read this all if you want to as it fills in holes so to speak about me and my situation.

I wanted to clear up a number of things that I either failed to mention or were misinterpreted.

1. I have many of my own health problems. I just do not have ADHD. I suffer from many mental AND physical issues of my own. I have seen many doctors, been on/tried/am on many meds, and I am functioning better now than I have in years. However, I have severe PMDD and no medication of any sort (I have tried them all) has done one thing to change the fact that I feel possessed by the devil for about 7-10 days per month. During this time of month, I try to have my son spend as much time with his dad or grandparents as I can, but in truth, they do not understand themselves what I deal with, and I also have a child who thinks I should just "chill out"-so once again no one in my life understands ANY of MY health conditions either. Including those who deal with their own health conditions. So, closing this point up, you all caught me during the bad days and I really vented more than I normally do in real life.So? Wanna compare disabilites? I have FM, MS, perepheral neuropathies, an unstable spine, I have had 4 back surgeries[2 fusions],I have beat breast cancer and fought skin cancer.I have had surgery on both arms, 2 ear surgeries, walk with a cane [spent 2 yrs in a wheel chair] and currently have 3 [count 'em] 3 slippped discs. I have OA and RA. and chronic insomnia.

I know chronic pain. It is part of who I am, not an excuse for my actions or inaction.

2. When I was discussing custody of my son, what I should have made clear was that MOST teenage boys - no matter if they have ADHD or not - tend to want to live with dad either full time or majority time when they get older. Mommy is who they are closest with when they are little - and then dad, being a large kid himself, is more fun than mom who has more rules than dad. So, it isn't as though I am saying I don't want my son. OR THAT HE IS A TOY!That was a wake up call. (that was actually kind of rude whoever said that) It just is that it has been EXTREMELY difficult for him to go from home to home the way he has in our custody arrangement and also keep his books, papers, homework, prized possessions, etc. with him. Not to mention all of our sanity! We do not have a set schedule due to his dad changing jobs and not having a set schedule. In addition to that, he also spends time with his grandparents as I work full time and do not get out of work prior to him getting done with school. The "3 households" situation is NOT helping his organization but rather making a desperate situation impossible. I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHAT IS BEST FOR MY SON-AS I ALWAYS HAVE DONE. A GOOD MOTHER SACRIFICES HER OWN DESIRES - AS MY DESIRE WOULD BE TO KEEP HIM WITH ME ALL THE TIME!
I truely believe that you are a loving mother. But, again, you are complaining about what doesn't work instead of looking for what could work
3. What Granny and maybe others missed is that once I read and found out what EDF was - I got it! I had NO IDEA that there was something other than ADHD that my child was dealing with - and the symptoms of it. Once I read the symptoms/dysfunctions of the EF system, I realized (with tears in my eyes) that my son wasn't just lazy, or immature or that his ADHD meds weren't working- but rather that he will suffer a lifetime with time management issues and many other issues that we take for granted. I GET IT. But, just so you know me a bit better: I have been the one since he was two telling dad to lower HIS expectations as he had a "disability" in some areas. I just couldn't believe that by the time my son was a teen he still couldn't do what I thought was doable for him. And, again, I don't have his particular issues - so it is hard to discern what is disability and what is typical teenage laziness/belligerence.
I have raised 2 younger brothers, and 3 children of my own[2 were boys] I'm now raising a 14 yr od boy. I understand the teenaged 'sloth'. God, do I! :)

You need to remember that a disability is not an excuse for bad behavior or non compliance of behavior.Try to have him work along side of you. If it is a struggle getting him to brush his teeth[I think they are allergic to toothbrushes at this age],praise him if they are shiny when he is done.[even if you had to physically brush them yourself]
4. To wagst5: thank you for your kind words and help. It really did make me feel better.

5. To granny: when you say I need to focus on what my kid can do: I swear to you the only things I see him do well is watch TV and play video games and use the computer. He can't clean his room, he is getting poor grades, he sasses his mom, he won't help out around the house, he has NO motivation to go outside even to play or call friends to hang out, etc. I am trying so hard to find an area to praise him, and every once in a while I do - but it is SO infrequent. I love my son immensely. NOTHING would make me happier than to be positive rather than negative. I was raised with a yelling, hitting, abusive, negative mother and have worked SO HARD to be different with my child. I succeed more than I fail - but I do fail sometimes too. Oh, and actually, when you said "whining isn't going to help" what you should realize is that what is said online is very often the only outlet for people like me. It is actually venting to get the poison out of my soul. There is absolutely nothing wrong with venting. There is, however, a difference between venting and whining. Venting is getting something out of your system. Whining is looking for sympathy.

As far as the list of jobs you mentioned: 1. I have spent his ENTIRE life educating myself about his condition. Especially since I had no idea what the problem was. I have been to more doctors than I can count. I have read books, looked online, etc. I merely didn't know what EDF was, and therefore thought his meds should be doing more than they were. But as of yesterday, I know more now. 2. My son has an IEP at school and has since the third grade. I am WELL aware of that process and his rights/responsibilities. 3. My son's father and I have been through counseling, and my son has both joined us, and gone himself. It helped my son's father and I get along better. We get along 90% of the time, a best case scenario for us. [His dad has a bad temper.] To me, at this point, counseling for my son may be in order, as we discontinued yrs. ago because we got a good handle on things. But now that he has some new issues, we may go back. I don't exactly know what respite care is or how it would apply here, so please let me know about that if you don't mind. (I will also do an online search for myself) 4. As far as a parenting class, not sure what that would do since I am very well skilled at parenting.No one is. My main problems lie in my own health issues actually which get in the way of many aspects of my life: my son included. Oh, and I have been to many drs. myself, am on many medications for my issues, and yet some health problems do not have a magic pill to make them go away. I haven't mentioned my laundry list of health issues, but let's just say I struggle to get out of bed each day and keep a smile on my face. I am in chronic pain due to something that will never go away, and at this point in medicine, it cannot be fixed. [I am also about to lose my health insurance and am struggling financially - which merely adds to my stress level. The dollar amount of medications alone that I take is over 0 - not including my son's. Luckily he will be able to stay on his dad's insurance. I no longer qualify for the insurance through the state and also cannot pay for the insurance offered at my job. I will now have to play the what medicines can I do without/take lower doses of game.] I take yoga and take my lunch hour at work outside in peace to help me center. When I am not PMDDing, it works wonders. When I am PMDDing, it helps only slightly. Try 40 yrs worth of medical bills that insurance won't cover. We live pay check to paycheck here, too. Wanna swap prescrip. costs? Try 00. a month.

Oh, yeah, I work outside of the home, too.

6. Randyjim: I mentioned in the above replies with regards to my own situations. I do love my child unconditionally. HOWEVER, love has nothing to do with stress in this situation. I love him, no matter what. I don't LIKE dealing with the stresses of his conditions. I think that is normal. I have been THE ONLY active person in his medical treatment for many years now. Dad leaves this up to me. Regarding teens and hygiene, I thank you for adding that. Perhaps you or others can give me ideas for the mornings. I have some symptoms of narcolepsy and it is VERY hard for me to wake up in the mornings. I am always running late myself. (I take medication for this, but not until I wake up as I also have problems falling asleep, so if I took it before bed, I wouldn't sleep then. I have overlapping physical issues with symptoms that affect each other negatively with regards to trying to treat them.) It is imperative that my child be able to do his morning routine with as much independence as possible. How in the heck am I going to get him to at the very least get out of bed on time if I have my own problems with doing so? This is also why I mentioned changing custodial arrangements. It may be better for him to be with someone who doesn't have my challenges in the mornings. I want only the best for him. Oh, and my son uses and loves the axe body spray - when he remembers to use it!!!!! Oh, dear lord give me strength! It is like when it mentioned on the info about EDF how they leave their most prized possessions elsewhere. It is not his fault, but that doesn't make it any less stressful for me or him. Thanks for your kind words, too.

A lot of stress can be let go if you would let it. How? Accept the fact that he does these things and will continue to do so.

7. Diane V.: I have a list of the morning routine written out, in bright, legible marker, taped right above his bathroom sink so that he can simply go down the list. He FORGETS TO LOOK AT IT OR FORGETS WHERE HE LEFT OFF. We do the SAME EXACT MORNING ROUTINE IN ORDER EVERYDAY. He simply CANNOT do so without me literally following him around. He loses track of time to no end. He has at least an hour to get ready. HE IS A BOY, WITH SHORT HAIR. Not his mom who has to dry her hair, and then set it, put on makeup, nylons, etc. Literally it could take him several weeks to do what needs to be done in the morning if he had to do it himself without one of his parents there to help him. And he would get distracted in the middle of it all, and never finish anyway! It is a lost cause. I cue him all morning long. He STILL cannot do more than one thing at a time, and will get distracted in the middle of the SINGULAR TASK!!!! I feel hopeless that he will ever be able to function normally in society. By normally, I mean the things one needs to do to have and to keep a job. We do set out his clothes at night, but he will lose them from the night before to the morning of somehow. I swear there is a black hole in the middle of his room that eats clothes!! As far as his meds go - they have little affect on this problem. And then I worry about them running out in his last class, etc. if he takes it too early. Also, it takes about 30 minutes or so for it to kick in anyway. Thanks for your ideas and reply.

8. Okiemom: wow you have a lot to deal with yourself. My son is of above average intelligence, but not that far above. I know that I have to adjust my expectations, but I am so overwhelmed and do not know where to begin to get a child who is a space cadet so to speak to do even one thing without me LITERALLY following him and watching him like a hawk. It is so overwhelming. I tell him: brush your teeth. I wait about 3-5 minutes and say: "did you brush your teeth?" he has instead been staring at something for the whole time or has crawled back into bed while I was brushing my own teeth. He doesn't like to get up in the mornings either, so it is a fight just to get him upright. I have been working on this already for years. When will he be able to get himself ready in the mornings? I mean, seriously?! How old is old enough? I can't and won't follow him to work as an adult! Lord, I freak out about these things. My son also has nearly zero common sense or problem solving skills either. I swear the things I could tell you about him! When oh when do these kids have some maturity and problem solving skills? I am FAR from a perfectionist and NEVER have been. I wasn't an A student, and do not expect A's from him either. I just need some help from him around the house at times, and to be able to do some things independently ASAP. I have been to therapy for years. It won't change my medical conditions. It has helped in so many ways, believe it or not, I am MUCH better now than when I was younger. I am already on antidepressants. I have tried them all. Particularly since that is how they treat PMDD, however, it doesn't change my feelings of stress. Mother Teresa I think would be stressed out dealing with my child and my own health issues, money issues, family issues, etc. I come here to vent. I tell my son I love him every single day and have his whole life. I hug him even when I want to strangle him. My main issue is that when I have PMDD, my evil twin shows up and turns into a tornado of yelling. I have actually had to explain to my son what PMS and PMDD is because he needs to know that it isn't his fault mom is crazy. IT IS MOM'S. I have to tell him: "this is the week, make sure you know it isn't your fault I am yelling." How does one give a child his meds BEFORE he wakes up? My son does have a short acting for after school homework help. And, as you mentioned, the EDF is almost not at all helped by his medication. This scares me the most. What the heck does one do to deal with this? I have read about having something like a PDA to go off every so often when needed as a coping skill to know when to do something, but I can't afford anything like that, and know my son would lose it anyway! My teenager who has a bunch of rich friends with cell phones have had them since they were in the second grade. He begged for one for years. He finally got one for his 13th birthday whereupon he lost the charger within days, and left it at one home after the other so that he never was able to use it anyway! He truly is dealing with something so overwhelming I am just plain lost as to how to help him become INDEPENDENT.

Anyway, thanks for your reply, I am feeling not so alone now. I literally have lost almost all of my friends due to my medical issues and my family is VERY dysfunctional and they do not live near me anyway. I am truly alone in this world other than my child. I feel so angry that as someone with major health issues I can't lean on my child a little, but rather, his issues eclipse mine. I know I am the adult. However, imagine having MAJOR health problems. I used a cane for some time and have a hard time in getting up the stairs sometimes. I wish I could have my child at least help out with some housework. He simply cannot. He does everything wrong and I have to redo it over and over again. No matter that I have shown him how to do the task dozens of times, have typewritten out the instructions, and taped it right above where the task is located. I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.
I will stay on the boards as it is my only way to speak with others dealing with this. I need some help! As far as ignoring those who are ignorant and causing problems: this would include most of my family which is why I am alone. My mother was prepared to testify against me in my custody trial due to me being the only one who noticed that my son was different than the other kids since preschool. I had him majority time when he was younger and KNEW he had at least ADHD or something similar when he was 2. I would notice him in the presence of other children, and the GLARING differences were obvious to me. My son's father, also having ADHD himself, and my mother, who doesn't believe in mental illnesses whatsoever decided that I was merely lazy and didn't want to parent my child and simply wanted to drug him to deal with his ALL DAY, NEVERENDING hyperactivity. There was a period of time that I had to take him to the emergency room over and over again as he kept injuring himself the minute I turned my back. Needless to say: I barely talk to my mom. My sisters are even worse. ONE WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO SPEND TIME WITH HER CHILDREN UNSUPERVISED. Even though I have been a parent 8 yrs. longer than she has, and have a challenging child, unlike her perfect children with no disabilities or problems AT ALL. So, I have cut off a lot of toxic people already, but a good idea you added, and thank you for it.
I wonder if you have any idea how much longer it will take our kids to become able to complete life skill tasks such as getting oneself ready for work or school, caring for a home, etc. Yep, mine will graduate in 3 more years.,then college. Have you checked out social skills or life skill classes for your child? They can be included in his iep. And if, he has EDF, he should have.

Lastly, I am a young mother. I became pregnant when I wasn't prepared to do so. It has kept me from attaining my own goals in life in many ways. This makes me resentful too. (It is certainly not my child's fault, but I feel like a bird in a cage most of the time.) So, now you have a much larger picture of what the situation is, and can reply accordingly if you choose.
Again, you are making excuses. You are not the first or only young parent. I was ,too.

Now, before you think so, I'm not out to get you. I am hoping to make you angry enough to wake up. Why? Because I care.

Respite care... it is a place your son can go for a few hours, days, etc to give you a break. Contact your local OMRDD or mental health agency. They can also help you with a case worker, advocate for iep meetings, etc.
THANK YOU ALL!

I would counter your replies grandma with a story. When I was much younger, I was healthy. I worked full time (a manual labor job), I went to school full time (in college) achieving all A's, and parented my child nearly all of his waking hours. I NEVER for the life of me could understand how people around me could complain about anything: until I had a very bad car accident several years later.

I appear physically to a stranger (or to someone who knows me well) as perfectly healthy. However, no one would have guessed that I would have spent the majority of my night vomiting and shaking in pain the night before unless I told them so. No one would guess that I have MANY other severe health issues - enough to have kept me unemployed for 3 years until I lost everything and had to declare bankruptcy. I don't tell people either.

What is the point of this story? YOU have a case of the "one up's" or the "my situation is worse so no one should possibly complain because at least they don't have to deal with____." AS I ONCE DID. Please look within. You are NOT helping me by telling me that I am a whiner and to get over it-which is essentially what you are doing by discounting my feelings.

If you really care about me, (as you say you do) allow me the opportunity to have my own thread, not hijack it with how badly off you are, and instead ONLY insert constructive ideas if they apply. I will not repeat this sentence again, so please repeat it to yourself:

I AM VENTING. I AM RELEASING MY STRESSORS BY TYPING THEM INSTEAD OF THINKING ABOUT THEM ALL DAY LONG. ALLOW ME THE RIGHT TO DO SO.

If you do not like what I have to say-there are other threads to read.

Empathy means truly putting yourself in the other's shoes - not telling them how easy they have it compared to you. I have learned my lesson from a time I thought otherwise: perhaps you should also.

There were MANY opportunities throughout my posting where I asked for help with specific things. If you go through and read your replies, you will see that this was ALL ABOUT YOU, except when you decided to answer one question at the very end.

I refuse to allow you to anger me, as was your goal mentioned in the posting,

as I have been to counseling for many years, as also mentioned in the posting, and I don't allow people that I do not know, or people I do, to upset me: unless I let them. As far as my child goes: I know that I am allowing him to upset me. Or more accurately: his behaviors are overwhelming me. WHICH IS WHY I AM HERE. I AM BEING PROACTIVE IN SEEKING HELP.

If you cannot be helpful without being rude, which is essentially most of what you have done so far, please do not reply. Allow someone else to take a stab at it for me please.

Hope your situation improves, no matter what happens.

[QUOTE=Diane V]

I was going to also suggest the life skills component to his IEP. We will be doing this for my daughter for high school. At this point, I need to know she can be independant as an adult. I dont care if she knows Algebra or world geography, she needs to be abel to work and function on her own at some point.

For us lists hanging up even simple lists were useless, she'd doodle on them, forget to look at ....etc., etc. I get up at 4:30am to to start work and the last thing I want to do is follow her around and walk her through each step (literally each step, I DO get it), but there is just no other choice. And now that I've literally done this for years we are gtting it. Like I said she may lose it all once we get out of the routine, but if she does we'll start over. It exhausting and I hate that I have to do it, but I do. My 6 year old needs less prompting.

Meds before he wakes up, get up, wake him sit him up stick a pill in his mouth and he takes it and goes back to slepp for an hour (you too), then when he wakes up after an hour meds are in his system. It's not a cure all, but it helps.

Hi YMe. Welcome. I can totally relate to what you are saying, just like many others here.

I have a 15 yr old with severe EDF symptoms, ADHD, Generalized anxiety, an auditory processing disorder, plus a few sprinkles of language processing deficits mixed in. OH.......plus he tests gifted with an IQ of 130+. He is truly what the professionals call a 2E or Twice Exception child.......smart as a whip, but with many learning challenges. If you go by the challenges my son has in the morning doing simple tasks, or his grades so far in 9th grade (ranging from A's to F's), you'd think this kid was dumber than a box of rocks. A child who is gifted plus has a different learning style many times have severe anxiety over it....and guess how it shows up...... anger and rage. My son, like yours, has to have a LOT of support in the mornings

Granny Fran hit the nail on the target. You need to adjust your expectations. I'm not saying you should expect the worst or least from your son. Far from it. I'm also not saying you should forever do everything for him like a helicopter parent, or tolerate violent disrespectful behavior. Transitioning ownership of the morning routine and simple tasks that come so easy for other teens is a PROCESS for our special kids........ and it takes years.

Like you......I do not have ADHD and I tend to be Miss Uber Organized. I've always been perfectionistic to a point, although I'm not OCD. When I was a child and teen.....I was a straight A student. In college....I graduated with high honors in both my undergraduate and graduate programs. So......I really get what you are saying about how frustrating it is to deal with a child like this.

Here are some tips I suggest to help you cope:

1. Consider therapy for YOURSELF! It was truly the thing that made me realize the error of my ways in dealing with my son. I learned it was my own anxiety fueling a lot of the tension between my son and myself.

2. Consider a short term use of an anti depressant. When my son was transitioning from elementary to middleschool, it was a horrible year and I used an anti depressant for 18 months. It helped me SO much to cope, until I had learned the skills I needed to handle my son's issues through therapy. This year has been very, very hard too (9th grade) as it was the first year of HS....... but I didn't need the medication this time around.

3. Find HUMOR in any and every situation you can. Laugh WITH your son over some of the silly stuff he does. Hug him and tell him you love him often. Love him unconditionally.

4. Seriously consider giving your son his stimulant medication (if he takes one) EARLY....about 30 minutes to an hour BEFORE he gets up! This one tip alone has greatly improved our morning routine.   We give a short acting stimulant in the early evening for homework if needed. Now.... like your son, my son's EDF problems are not "cured" entirely with stimulant medication. EDF is a multifaceted disability......involving the central processing areas of the brain dealing with several things..... memory, attention, sequencing, etc. Stimulants do not cure EDF. Don't expect that.   BUT.....the stimulant may still make SOME of the EDF symptoms better to the point where he is at least better functioning in the morning.

5. Stay on the boards.   Other parents are out there struggling with the exact same issues as you. You are not alone. Don't isolate yourself.

6. Ignore advice of ignorant strangers and family members when it comes to parenting your son.   Sometimes you have to limit contact with these people if their advice is causing problems in your life.

Your goal is to raise your 13 yr old to be a loving, reasonably happy, functioning adult who will be a contributing member of his community.   It is not going to happen overnight. Our kids will mature much later than their NT (neuro typical) peers.   It is our duty to get them through this process.

You CAN do this with the right attitude and support.

Okiemom

Welcome to the forum, YMe. You are correct in knowing that you are not alone in having to deal with a child with ADHD and or other interesting challenges.

First- please call you doctor to see about getting some help for you- either antidepressant, anti-anxiety, PMS meds so you don't have to feel this way every month. It is not healthy for you and there is nothing wrong with you asking your doctor for help.

Your son IS normal, he just has a disability that involves some centers in his brain. YOU are his advocate. YOU are the only one who can support him, help him, get him help and most importantly- LOVE HIM UNCONDITIONALLY! He needs this and deserves it. You will be happier because you are being active in his treatment and the way he is treated. I have to tell you, having 7 children myself, that teenagers are the worst when it comes to hygiene even without ADHD. Try working on one area at a time: teethbrushing for instance. Then add a second etc. One thing that helped my sons was that AXEL body spray and deodorant. They loved it!.

Take it easy, take the time to relate to your son in even one little way, and the reward will be boundless.

Good luck and keep posting!

Randy

hi and welcome

I also have a 13 year old with ADHD plus other LD's. It took us a LONG time to get her the the point that she could manage to get up dress, shower, eat, all the things needed to get off to school. She still needs some prompting but she's doing it. I have spent lots and lots and lots of time in extreme frustration over her inability to handle this, but grannyfran is right, it's not about ME. I've had to back down and just do for her what she was not capable of doing on her own until she was ready to handle it. We do the SAME THING EVERY DAY. I mean that literally, up, shower, dress, make bed, eat and take meds, dry hair, out the door. We've tried switching that up, like eat first......uh oh...cant' do it now. Now we are at the end of the school year and doing ok, I'm sure in September we'll have to start over, but we're doing good for now . He probably cant handle this. Not his fault. Break it down for him. It's annoying having to give him all the steps, but thats what he need. Do the same every day and just prompt him. Have him do as much as possible the night before, clothes picked out, backpack in order....etc., the fewer taks in the morning the better IMO. So what if you have to say, ok get dressed, then its time for breakfast, then ok go brush your hair and teeth, ok time to get on the bus. He may get annoyed with the "nagging", but tell him once he's doing it without your prompting, you wont have to remind him.

Think about meds, can you give him his meds earlier and add a short acting booster after school? Or vice versa a short acting the minute he opens his eyes (or before wake him and give it to him) and then his long acting on the way out the door?

EDF is a very common comorbid condition with adhd.

What I read was that you are frustrated because the child is not capapble of living up to your expectations.

That is an important sentence. It is your expectations that are causing you frustration and anger, not the child.

I am raising a child who has had to battle AS,ADHD, EDF, SID, Seisure disorder, hypotonia and a bunch of LDs.

He's 14. And, no he cannot do what one would take for granted that he can do. On the other hand, he can surprise the heck out of you with his intellegence and knowledge of various subjects.

You have to focus on the things that your child can do. You have to meet every success with praise. Guess what? The child already knows that he is different. Pointing out his failings isn't going to help one bit. He will give up and not try.

Dealing with disabilities [of any kind] is a 2 step forward;one step backward process.

I'm sorry that you are PMSing and that you cannot handle your child. But, he is not a toy to be sent to your ex when you no longer want to play with it. You are his mother! And, this is NOT about you! This is about what can and should be done to help your child succeed. Whining isn't going to help one bit.

Job one is to educate yourself about every disorder your child has. 2nd is to seek out medical and edu. assistance. REad up on sp ed laws ,ieps, etc. 3rd is to contact family court or a local agency for therapy for your child and you and your ex. Dealing with these kids is hard. Check out respite care. Help is out there, if you know where to look.

4th is to take a parenting class. S.T.E.P. parenting is a good choice to start.

You need to get a handle on your feelings before you can help your child. He isn't going to be an easy fix. You have to want to fight for him., to help him.

And before you get too ticced at my bluntness, let me tell you about me. I'm a grandmother of 8, parent of 3,disabled myself, raising a grandchild , caring for an aged mother and a brain damaged adult[gs's bio-result of an accident]

So, yeah, I know about stress, disabilities, time limitations and plain tiredness.

Wow, well I can relate!
I joined also for support. I have three at home with ADHD, and a very supportive family/friend network, but there is not one of them that understands what it is like to raise kids with ADHD. If you came to my house, you would think I give them speed for breakfast. By the time I get home at night, they are bouncing off walls. Literally. I get so tired of hearing about my lack of parenting skills.....which is why I joined this group. I was beginning to seriously think that it was my fault!

I'm sure we all can relate to the blow-ups, we've all had them. Its frustrating to have to remind them to do things every day. And mornings are always the worst. I have not researched EDF. My 13 year old does not have trouble getting up and showering and getting dressed in the morning, but he does have trouble remembering to take his meds, to grab his lunch, to turn in homework.....things that I was on top of when I was his age(except for the meds).

One thing that helps when I feel ready for a meltdown.....I keep reminding myself that my kids cant control this. They arent doing this because they are bad kids. and when I try to imagine how it would feel to be a child dealing with ADHD, it puts it all in a different light.

You've come to the right place for support....we are all in the same boat. Welcome :)

Yme,

Have you thought of shortening your list to the bare minimum? We used to do as must pre-staging as possible. Pack his lunch and pick out his clothes the night before.

Actually the best thing I did for my son was to pull him out the public school system and start homeschooling him. I realize that everyone doesn't have this option. Our mornings are more relaxed.

I have used his friends to goat him into better hygiene. My son will listen to his peers better than me. I also use those manly products (Axe) to get him more interested.

Today was a sad day, my son had his shoulder length blonde hair cut into a short boy cut. It will be easier for him to keep clean, but I will miss it. It was beautiful hair.

hello Yme! as an adult ADDer with EXTREME EDF (absolutely paralysing sometimes) it has taken me quite a while - and i am still not sure i am right - to try to work out what makes my EDF worse or better.

but one thing i think i am beginning to notice is although i seem to be so laid back (as to be practically horizontal) i realise i do have anxiety. and the worse my anxiety the worse my EDF.

it's a kind of weird anxiety and i am unsure whether very early on in my childhood i developed this laid backness as a "coping mechanism" for anxiety.

i am not anxious about death or about losing things (like your son - i can't hold on to anything and don't care anyway) but i do realise that i get overwhelmed and normally by EDF things. sometimes i can get so overwhelmed that i simply can't move... that's what happens to me. i get a kind of paralysis where i am simply stuck in a chair (shouting in my head "just move/deal with it") but actually i need an outside stimulus (a phone going or similar) to break the paralysis.

i loathe TV - but only because if i have one i can't stop with it when i am anxious. i will turn it on and watch "Murder, She Wrote" or similar until the cows come home. just watching, watching, watching - because i can't deal.

it is ALSO about reward systems and simplicity and choices. i have literally thrown out almost ALL my clothes and i am so much happier. simple. simple. simple. keep it simple for your son. five pairs of trousers. five shirts. five jumpers. five t-shirts. 7 pairs of socks. 7 pairs of underwear.

his room that he can't keep tidy? --- in my case, you used not to be able to see the floor in my room 24/7. my wardrobe was the floor. if i needed to find a piece of clothing then it would be under the piece that was also on the floor. everything was on the floor and as i don't like sitting at desks i was also on the floor.

but when i simplified my room --- really going minimalist to the extreme. suddenly i liked my bedroom. the simple lines and the lack of clutter. but a bit of clutter and then the WHOLE thing became a clutter-chaos.

anyway, if i were to offer any suggestions re. helping with the house: find something that he can do (if there is anything) a really simple thing without lots of bits to it. if that makes sense. asking someone to tidy their room is too much because it involved too many different decision processes and it is overwhelming "the clothes on the floor - you have to think whether to fold them/put them in the washing bin/put them away" it's just overwhelming before you start. it's too much. but something simple like vacuuming - that's one job if you get out the vacuum FOR him and put it away then - all he has to do is walk up and down the carpet with the stupid machine. or equally washing the floor - if YOU fill up the bucket and move all the chairs out the way and put the right amount of detergent in and just hand him the mop and then YOU take the dirty water out and put everything away --- then you might find that he CAN do those things. and that also doing simple things effectively lessens his internal anxiety.

but you can't ask him to do all the beginning and ending steps because it gets overwhelming. it's just TOO complex for a badly working EDF brain. it becomes one step too many - overload/breakdown before even starting!!!

i don't know how bad your son is - but simplifying things is a great way to start, i have found for myself.

i was at boarding school (so there was no-one to help me) but i loved the fact we had uniform (no choices/decisions to make - phew!!!!). i could get dressed in about 1 and half minutes flat (the tie i would leave half-made so could just throw it over my head and tighten it), skirt/shirt/tights all right there simple as you like - shoes and throw the cardigan on as i was running down the stairs to get into the breakfast room before grace (or at least before noticed i was late).

i function quite efficiently if at full-tilt (ie there is NO time to get distracted because everything has to be done full pelt/top speed efficiency). i think boarding is great because one has the time and space to develop ones own coping mechanisms outside of parental influence... otherwise i think it is true one could learn to rely on ones parents as a sort of PDA. you always yell at him and that is his cue. but if you were to drop dead tomorrow he would have to find his own ways so he is not incapable --- it's just that with all the effort it takes being an ADDer we can tend to work on a sort of lowest-common-denominator when it comes to putting in effort. we do the absolute minimal to get by.

anyway - good luck with it. i am sorry to hear of your car crash. i am not a therapist or a counselor but it sounds like you haven't quite dealt with it. i wish you luck in finding a way to overcome your anger about it.

chjones39563.2404861111what i meant to say (in the above long-winded post) is that anxiety is probably playing a large part in your son's EDF. and subliminally it is possible that knows that to be the case... and also that you are a large part of his anxiety on a few levels perhaps why he might wish to spend some time with his father.

my mother is perfectly healthy (and i love her more than i can say) but i am always sick with anxiety when i see my mother because i know perfectly well that i am a complete worry and disappointment (only FOR me) to her. and i really find that hard to deal with. i can't bear it. it sends my anxiety levels through the roof.

it may be that your son feels the same about you - senses your disappointment (that's not your fault btw) but on top of that has the sort of "moral" guilt that he is unable to help you better with your own struggles and difficulties which is just going to compound the whole thing until he is really going to be so overwhelmed he just can't deal with it at all - hence the video/TV resource.

my resource in that situation (as useless as most of these things are) is simply to play Spider Solitaire endlessly whilst sticking my head in the sand like an ostrich hoping it will all go away... it's hopeless but i understand the draw of these things. i am not excusing it - but i can see why it is there.

i am thinking of putting myself on an "empowerment" course. they run them for the lowest 10% in income terms (of which i am far/way not qualified for - being in probably the wealthiest ten percent of the UK) but i can't think where else to start and the idea of empowerment courses really appeals to me.

and it is ridiculous because i am a director/trustee of a charity that runs "women's empowerment courses" for refugees within Sudan/Darfur etc. and yet i need them myself!

he is probably a little young (your son) but something along those lines also of social skills training/learning to grasp responsibility for little parts of ones life i think would do a host of good on ALL SORTS of levels - minimizing hidden anxiety/building self-esteem (ya know all that great stuff!) if there is something of that sort then perhaps worth trying it out.

i think all i am trying to say (and not very well at that) is i never realised that i had anxiety until now(ish). and i think it would have done me a lot of good to try to get a handle on that at an earlier age. we never live up to our potential (the endless refrain!!!) either in our own expectations or others either. it's a tricky thing - so don't worry too much about shouting at him. i shouldn't think it's half as bad as the internal shouting ADDers tend to fling at themselves anyway. what a ridiculous life this is - sometimes.

i am sure it should all be more simple!

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My main problems are his disorganization, lack of concentration, losing and breaking things, not being able to complete a task from start to finish no matter how simple the task is, and teenage sarcasm. (I am sure I will think of others.)
Thanks for your time.
[/QUOTE]

Your problems are things we all deal with, let me tell you what I have done, Let preface this with I totally understand our kids because I struggle with ADHD, too.

1. Disorganization-- simplify his life as much as possible. Limit the amount of clothes he has. Strip his room down to the basics. I have found that toys from his childhood tend to become clutter, so out they went. Set up a homework box with all the supplies he will need for homework that can be pulled and placed on the table each evening. Stage his backpack, coat, shoes and all items for school in a central place everyday.

2. Lack of concentration--medication helps here along with simplifying his life . While simple to me is boring, it's not about me but my son's needs. He might need to eat some protein to feed his brain before he can study . Set up at study carol with a simple science fair backboard. It can limit the visual distractions and can be stored behing the couch when not in use. He might need white noise in the background or he might need quiet to study. Provide music or headphone to help.

3. Losing and breaking things--If you find a solution, please share. My son is so destructive. He has a couch in room that is in shreds. I refuse to replace it, I make him cover it with a blanket. He will use something and just set it down where ever he finishes with it. It makes us all so angry, because he no respect for other property. He just lost his cell phone but he was able to keep track of it for 6+ months. I was very happy and impressed with his ability to do this. I am going to replace it because I like being able to find him when I want him.

4. Unable to finish simple tasks-- I have found that what I or others may perceive as simple, can be completely overwheming. I give him a list with each step broken down into one task. I often work with my son because he has no sense of time. I also try to make it appear as enjoyable, something that will give him a sense of accomplishment. Also, my son does not like to be alone.

5. Teenage scarasm--time, only time will take care of this problem and sometimes that doesn't help either. My younger ADHD brother is still so juvenile at 48. I try to remember my son is a kid and sometimes I act like him to show him how he is acting. We laugh and go on. My son became a depressed and angry young man with the onset of puberty. He is on a mood stabilizer, which has helped tremedously.

As a chronic pain sufferer myself, I understand your frustration. There are days when just dealing with my pain and problems is all I want to do, all I have the strength to do. Unlike you, I think I have a wider support network to help me out. We all hope that by the time they are teenagers that they could take more/better care of themselves. It is part of the life long dream of watching bloom into adults, that sense of accomplishment. We just have late bloomers. It has improved over the years, just slower than others.

reruho39563.3771296296

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I am sure you all understand this. Thanks for allowing the venting. If you have any ideas on how to get him on track, PLEASE share any successes. They all help, no matter if it is me - or someone else reading this.
[/QUOTE]

Hi,Yme!

First, it was real nice to see these folks that are so much more articulate and experienced than me giving testimonials as well as suggestions in the above posts; they say it so much better than I could and I do agree (and it's funny cause I was thinking about posting along the same lines) that trying to keep it simple, using some preventive maintenance, too, if you will, (like the preparing ahead-of-time stuff, etc.) is IMO a good approach. I do realize it's hard to do that with our boys sometimes, as this world is all about multitasking and, generally, society raising the bar these days (compared to when I grew up, anyway...). Hope my rambling makes sense! It is well intended.

My DS always keeps me on my toes, but hey, guess it's better than being bored!

Hi yme. I wish that I was close to you right now. I so badly want to give you a hug. So I will give you a mental hug. I am sorry about some of the responses that you have received. This is suppose to be a place where we can VENT OR EVEN WHINE. If somebody doesn't have anything nice or helpful to say then maybe they should not read your thread. This forum is to help uplift not tear down. And you can whine if you want. You are a good mom it is better to unleash on us then om your child. Keep your head as we all go through hard times. And it does get better. Congratulations on realizing that you family needs help. Good luck and don't give ear (eye) to negative people. Thanks, don't want to stray off topic too far. However, I couldn't afford to live on disability anyway, but more importantly it would take a LONG time to get it, making me homeless. So, here we are.

I am thinking very highly about considering what someone mentioned in either this thread or another regarding my child for next school year I think. I am going to have US move NOT HIM. What do I mean? Well, I am considering asking his grandparents if he can stay there full time while his father and I come over to "visit" so to speak. They have to take him to school and pick him up anyway due to our crazy work schedules. It would probably help him to have one place to lose things in-rather than 3. I get along with them rather well and they are close with his father, so why not? I could at least keep a closer watch on how his homework gets done, etc. Also, I could move into a smaller place myself and save some money. (every little bit helps) We shall see I guess.
I had a semi brilliant thought that woke me up in the AM and plan to start a new thread about it. It is regarding the way schools teach our kids. So, let me know what you think about it...
How are things going for you guys.Thanks Cindyann and Lethy and to all those who continue to monitor this thread. I am having an aggravating week this week. This is more due to my job than my child. I essentially should be on disability and was denied, like all people are the first time they apply. However, I ran out of money and had to work even though I am not well enough to do so full time. Who knows how long this will last.

Thanks again for your support. I am not sure if you know this or not but you can appeal and they have to pay you from the first day you applied. Maybe a disibility lawyer would help. They only take a small percentage if you are approved. Good luck. yme i am so glad that you are feeling better. Tomorrow my cj5 has a appt to be tested for sid. Hopefully all goes well. He is recently dx as adhd. Keep up the good work.

I just came across Yme's post after our usual, pre-bedtime blow-up. We usually have problems before meds kick in & after they wear off. I am going to try the suggestion of giving him his meds an hour before he gets up. He takes a booster in the p.m., so it might put that out of whack, but we'll take it one thing at a time, one day at a time.

To Yme: I also have a 13 yr. old boy-ADHD, anxiety... . Do your best - that is all you can do. It sounds like you are working your butt off to help give your kid a better life. Another thing that has helped us is to just focus on one behavior to change. After that one is tackeled, we move to something else. It is not easy & I don't know if it ever will be.

Good luck & you and yours are all in my prayers!

Thank you all for your replies when I was freaking out last week. I have since been feeling better and am doing well now. My son and I have started to work on some issues. He actually went out with friends this weekend-even though I had to push him to go down to the last minute. (And of course we were late as I was ill and couldn't micromanage him as well as I normally do.)
My PMDD (maybe I should be on that site, actually) has passed which is why I feel so desperate and possessed once a month (more like a week and a half to 2 weeks/mo.) so I am not so panicked and full of anxiety like I was. Thanks for being an ear.