My daughter has her days some days are good others are just hell. She is confused and really does not know what she wants for example Wed. morning she cut her bangs all because she was mad. When I confront her when she has done something wrong she always says " I was mad and besides you don't care" I love my daughter and would do anything for her but I refuse to live my life on eggshells anymore. I have been trying everything with her I mean trying to give her a lil trust her and there and it seems like everytime I do she takes a mile. My boyfriend and I have taken her to the Circus and she tirned out miserable because I refused to buy her a souvineir but that was because I had no money and I did not feel right asking my boyfriend. Besides she is 12 and the souvineirs were more for younger kids. My daughter sometimes feels if you are not there 24 hrs a day 7 days a week and spending some sort of money on her she gets to furious. I have been to her psych he states her behavior is normal and won't budge on the meds. Her counselor and mine both say she is trying to see how far she can go with me.
Dawn,
I don't know where to start with advice because I'm more than less just saying "I Hear You" ... we need someone to just listen some times. I know it's hard being a single parent. You want your own time and own space and it's very hard because children tend to 'need' it all! You may have to sit down with your daughter and make a daily schedule. Sit her down and everyone else in the home and make a chart with times and days and fill it in. Fill in special time with her, whether she's helping you cook or you have a back scratch time for her...just 30 minutes if you can. Make a plan and stick to it. Her life is a little hectic it sounds like, not judging, and having a good set-in-stone structured routine may really help her (it may also help you better pin-point some specific times your daughter tends to have her melt downs). As far as the money issue goes, tell her she can mow some yards or dog-walk to earn her own money. Teach her the value of a dollar, to me-it's not too early for that.
You asked for help and I'm not sure this is it. but before you do send her to a clinic, do all YOU can. that way, when the choice is made (if it is) to take her to a hospital, you can feel guilt-free about it. These are just my suggestions from the outside looking in...Best of luck to you.
Every once in a while, just grab her and hug her...look her in her eyes and tell her "I know things are a little tough for us all but you know *her name* I think you are just great and I love you." You'll be surprised how it lights her little face right up.
And pray, girl. Give it to God, the things you can't handle HE is more than capable!
I am so sorry about your situation! BIG HUGS!I agree that none of this is about you guys spending money on her. It's her way of trying to control things and see what she can get. My biggest advice is not to get into a challenigng match with her, EVER. If you go to the circus before you go you say, ok we are doing this and we can spned this much money and that is it. You can decide how it is spent, ie, snacks, trinkets, etc, but you're not spending more than that. Jaderocks suggestion of the reward system is good too, make her earn "stuff" like cash or the suggestions she gave. Dont demand it or give it to her as a challenge, this is just how it is. We'd all love to get whatever we want, but the world doesnt work that way. Try to not make it be about us giving to her, dont make there be sides (even unintentionally). Just say ok we're doing this today, we are going to only buy drinks and have snacks at home, that means all of us. Things like that. The more she thinks it's a challenge, the harder she'll push. Dont debate with her, you are in charge and that is it. Let her have the last word, who cares. My daughter is 13 and they just HAVE to have something to say, all the time. Have set things that are never acceptable, like hitting or swearing, and if she does those things, have a set consequence,every time. No fighting, this is just IT. You hit, you lose such and such for the day......no exceptions. And do it.....every time. Let her yell and scream about it, but dont fight back. Just take the thing away or send her to her room or whatever you choose as the consequence. Days you do have a disagreement and she keeps it in check, praise her tell her how proud you are she handled it so well reward if you choose. Try to do a LOT of this if you can.
Good luck, this is a really, really difficult age and she has a lot on her plate and is way to young to try to handle it all alone. She needs Mom, but she needs boundaries and lots of them.
Hello Dawn,
Man, you've got your hands full. I agree with Diane. Right now, she feels out of control and she's attempting to get control any way that she can. Take a deep breath. I am hoping that once she sees that she is not competing with your boyfriend, she'll come around. I'm sorry that you MD wasn't more help.
Sorry that I didn't have more advice to offer. Just know that I will be praying for you and your family.
"Our Children are Precious in His Sight"
Are you using any sort of behavior mod/reward system for her? Something so that she can earn rewards for good behavior- at her age cash, make up, music downloads, and cell phone minutes are valuable motivators. You might want to check out the book The Kazdin Method- it's written by a psychologist/professor from Yale and gives a very detailed look at how to implement a reward system effectively (based on research) for kids all the way up through the teen years.
Have you considered just not buying her anything (beyond basic needs) until the attitude changes? DH and I had to do this with both our kids recently (one with adhd, one without) because it had gotten so out of control. We'd told them that we need to save money as the house needs a couple major repairs and that we wouldn't be buying as much. All that did was cause them to throw fits and whine in an effort to get us to buy stuff anyway. After several outings like that we'd had a enough. Now we let them know ahead of time whether or not we will spend the extra money and then stick to it.
I think you should speak with your pedi and if you have one a phsych. I think that while it is absolutly great that you want to help your daughter, you don't let her dictate your life. It would be different if he was abusive to her not the other way around. You are the mom not her. Now if it was ur b/f asking u to choose or being negative about her then he should be gone so fast. Also make sure everything is okay in her life ex..nobody is bullying her, does she have a new boyfriend, is she being hurt by anybody. Just cover all your bases and doublecheck everything. Kids are so precious in his sight. They are the best gift we can give ourselves. Good luck.sounds like a strattera side-effect. the emotionalism and physical aspect. read up on it. get a child psychiatrist to manage the meds. Strattera did not really help my son he was on it for over a year olong with ritalin.I have a 12 yr old daughter that has been diagnosed with ADHD and seperation disorder. I was married to her dad for 8 yrs we split up and my daughter still takes it hard to this day. Back in August of 2007 my ex took my daughter to Cpep because he felt she was not mentally stable in his home. He tried to put her in a mental hospital saying that is what she needed. I stepped in and said my daughter was not going to a mental hospital. Social Services stepped in because my ex had full custody of my daughter and he got charged with medical neglect and abandoment because they could not reach him after they released her. Social Services placed her with me and she started counseling again and goes on a weekly basis. Her doctor put her on Straterra 50 mg a day. In the last 8 months my daughters grades have been good she no longer gets d's and f's. She has issues in math but otherwise she does great. In the last 2 months my daughters attitude has changed dramatically. She has become really defiant and physically and verbally abusive towards me. She feels the world should revolve around her and gets really mad when people don't spend money on her. I finally found a boyfriend and he loves my kids due to the fact that he does not have any. My daughter is trying to break us up anyway she can. Just the other night she was yelling at me stating that I need to choose between her and my boyfriend I told her that I love them both and not getting rid of either one. She says I do not spend enough time with her but yet we live together and all she wants to do is fight. I refuse to be around people that are abusive due to the fact that I have been abused most of my life. I have been thinking maybe her dad was right but I do not want to give up on her. I just do not know what to do or where to turn anymore can someone help me please.
You said she is going to weekly counseling. How about you? Do you attend? Who is monitoring her medications? As you will see if you navigate through these boards medication needs do not stay the same - especially in a growing child.
It sounds like you need more help than is available here - please find a good therapist who can help you and your daughter. Look at what your daughter has been through - her parents divorced, she was with her father (did she feel abandoned by you then?), then her father abandoned her, now she's with you...
You feel like your daughter is "abusing" you and you "refuse to be abused"...what does that mean? Are you choosing your boyfriend over your daughter? Are you going to abandon her? I certainly hope not - this is when she needs you more than ever.
I would never abandon my children. I do not choose my bf over her either. We try to do things with my daughter. I do attend counseling as well. As far as the abusing part I do not hit my children and expect the same from them. I totally understand that my daughter has issues that need to be dealt with but I am not her punching bag. Some of her issues are revolved around her dad and I can't help her with them she needs to talk to her dad regarding those issues.
[Quote]I have been thinking maybe her dad was right but I do not want to give up on her. I just do not know what to do or where to turn anymore can someone help me please.[/QUOTE]
Maybe he was right and she needs intensive mental health treatment. Getting that for her is NOT giving up on her. If the counselling she gets isn't helping, since you are involved with Social Services- call your case worker and tell her that you are very worried about your daughter's state of mind- tell her that your daughter is very angry and becoming violent at home. The case worker should be able to direct you to the right place to get the help you need.
I would speak to the Psych about her meds, Strat is dosed by weight, and if the dose isn't right for her weight you will see the problems you are seeing.Did you meet your boyfriend within the past two months? Have your daughter's behaviors escalated since you met your boyfriend? There are serious underlying issues which have provoked her behavior. One of the many things that stands out is that your daughters anger has nothing to do with people not spending money on her. This is a cry for help and attention. Why type of repore does your boyfriend have with your daughter? You state that he doesn't have children so because he doesn't, it may be way harder for him to relate to a child,especially one with a multitude of issues. She is also at a very difficult age whereas her hormones are changing and she is dealing with issues of puberty. I agree with others that she needs more intensive help and perhaps the dosage of Straterra needs to be revisited. Also, everyone that is in your child's life, including your boyfriend has to make a collaborate effort to help your daughter work through her issues. Everyone needs to be on the same page because she doesn't choose to be angry and difficult. This is a cry for help and what she is really exhibiting when she acts out is anxiety, fear and frustration because she doesn't know how to verbally express her emotions. What you view as abuse is really your daughter acting out because she doesn't know how to constructively communicate her feelings.
Coming here asking for help is a very good place to start in terms of getting emotional support and advice. As her mom you have to be your daughter's safe haven, (soft place to land) and until she feels whole and secure, whether its your boyfriend in anyone else she will feel threatened as she fears losing her life boat and as mom, that's you.Good luck and please keep us posted.