Any Positive Friendship Stories to Share?

Hi, all. I've been on the boards for the past couple of months as 5yo son was dx with ADHD (hyper, impuslive). He does well for the most part now that we've gone the meds route after much deliberation. He has good friends at school but had some tough situations with a neighbor boy with hateful parents. (A long and horrible story.) Anyway, while I absolutely love these boards for all of the input, support, etc., I also freak myself out on occasion. I've been drawn to several posts lately on ADHD kids and friends/social relationships. Many have talked about how their children struggle with making and keeping friends. This makes me so sad. It brings me back to our horrible situation with our neighbors and makes me wonder why can't people be more understanding and supportive of our wonderful kids. To get me past my this freakout mode, I was hoping people could share some success stories and positive examples of their kids building social relationships. (I absolutely loved the link to the story about Ty Pennington and the JetBlue and Kinko's founders.) Thanks for indulging my hypersensitive side.  

I am glad you enjoyed the post about Ty Pennington. I knew I had to share it when I found it. I dislike the doom and gloom that the doctors give you about being ADHD. It think it is one of the wonderful things about my son and I. We are willing to take gambles when others aren't. My opinion is "What are they going to do to me? Take my birthday away? Tell me NO?" It wouldn't be the first time someone said NO and it won't be the last.

I will share that my son (age 12), now has three good friends that he does alot with. These kids are all the same age with the one girl being the youngest of them. We live within a block of all three. All four of these kids are homeschooled, which I thinks makes the difference.

They ride bikes together, play video games and computer games. We have water balloon fights and they like to dig in my backyard. So far, they have not discovered girls. I have weekends with 3 almost teenage boys here. It is loud, noisy and they like to stay up all night but I don't mind because I am listening.

You say you reluctantly choose to medicate. Medicating my son has not only helped him but has improved life for the whole family. We were all at our wit's end with him and his behaviour.  We now enjoy spending time together.

While my son (10yo ADHD-non hyper) doesn't have a best friend, he has great relationships with many boys.  He's very well liked by all the kids at school and their parents.  He has been in Cub Scouts for 3.5 years and has developed great friendships with many of the boys.  We also do play dates (1 on 1 works best for DS) with many of his friends.

After getting to know DS's friends and their parents - most through Scouts, I've been very open about DS's ADHD.  This has been a blessing as several of the parents have let me know about their boy's issues as well (1 ADHD, 1 OCD/Tourette, 1 GATE w/Asperger's).  For us, knowing helps deal with the problems when/if they happen.  It also gives us moms a shoulder to lean on during the hard times. 

While Scouts can be a pain some times, it has been great for DS.  He's built great long-lasting relationships and learned social rules while I am nearby to smooth over the rough times.  He also plays baseball and has made some good friends that way as well.  Again, I am at the practices/games to guide him when he doesn't understand some of the social difficulties.  I would suggest finding a group activity that your son likes and will carry over many years.

my daughter, 13, is the opposite of Barb2K's son. She has 2 very close friends, one in her grade her very best friend since first grade, and another friend a year ahead of her (believe it or not) who she's friends with from the bus and hse lives close to us. She's been friends with both girls for several yeara. I think she doesnt have very much to do with most of the kids at school. She's friendly with some, but I think it's "through her best friend". She meets new people easily but tends to be very socially awkward so they kind of just ignore her.

I agree with getting them inot groups as they get older. At 5 it's a little easier becasue you schedule playdates with other Moms. I highly encourage a LOT of this. Even if they never reciprocate and you end up doing all the playdates. Then find his niche and foster it. Kids flock to each other with similar interestes.

As far as your neighbors go, you cant' make other people be understanding or get along with you or your children. I'd try to let it go and find friendships elsewhere. If you find a bond with a certain kid. Foster it.

My son (almost 9) has been able to maintain a wonderful friendship with a non-adhd kid.  It turns out that his pal is being raised by a single parent. The mother and I have become great friends and that has cemented the boy's friendships.  She has been with me every step of the way (concern, dx, treatment).  She feels that by making sure that her son accepts my kid with all of his characteristics, her boy will learn to get along with just about every kid.  In my case, establishing and maintaining a friendship with the mother has made the difference.  It was scary to be so open about our challenges, but it also allowed them to understand why my kid bit her kid at the pool on my kid's 6th birthday.  The two things that I have learned is that first impressions can be misleading (I thought the mom was annoying--who knew we were to become close?) and my son tends to gravitate towards other non-traditional families.  Both of my kids were adopted at birth, and his friend (in a weird twist) also has birth sibs that he does not see. 

This friendship did not occur until my son was almost 5.  Those so important yet ever elusive childhood friendships are out there for your child.  Take the time to reach out and take the risk.  Your responsibility as a parent is to take the scary step and make it happen.  When your child sees you being a friend to the parent, they learn how to make friendships work.

good luck!

My son (13, ADHD/AS) finally found a "best friend", after years of on-and-off (and rocky) friendships with different boys.  They attend the same middle school and share one class.  Dispite my son's difficulties (he misses social cues, takes things more literally than intended, talks CONSTANTLY, and makes "jokes" that are only sometimes funny - shhhh!), his friend and he seem to have perfect chemistry.  The friend, incidentally, is on the quieter side; they have a ying-yang of dominance vs. passiveness going that seems to fit both of them well.  There are kids out there that will "click" with your child... you just gotta find them.

My ds is also in a program called "Young Heroes", which is administered by "City Year" (HS graduates give one year after graduation to community service and leadership building).  These wonderful young people organize middle schoolers to serve alongside them on a volunteer basis three Saturdays out of the month.  They spend the morning learning about a specific community issue (homelessness, addiction, poverty, environment, etc.), and in the afternoon take action and serve at foodbanks, pull invasive plant species, volunteer in nursing homes, paint murals, etc. etc.).  He's in his second year with the program, and I cannot put into words how wonderful it has been for him!  Especially at a time (puberty) when every little thing seems to be all-engulfing and horrific, it helps my ds to move the focus from his own problems to the (so much worse) problems of the greater community.  As an example, he used to be so stressed about which table he would sit at (and which would reject him) during lunch, which was a large part of his anxiety.  Now that he has learned that a lot of people don't GET TO eat lunch because they can't afford it, he sees how shallow and trivial the middle school cosmos really is, and he now feels sorry for the kids who will do anything to sit at the popular tables.  This program has contributed tremendously to curing his adolescent myopia.

A lot of major cities in the US offer the program.  It's a great, save place, doesn't cost a penny, and lets our kids shine by harnessing their creativity and problem-solving abilities.  My ds is often tired and muddy when I pick him up after service, but always with a smile on his face because he knows he accomplished something important for others who need help.  Don't even get me started about the "graduation ceremony" at the end of the service year... for mom and dad it's a three tissue-box event!  I highly recommend this to every parent.

My DS goes to school exclusively for gifted kids.  Many of the kids are `different'.

He struggled last year (grade 1), but at the end of the year another boy approached him about being friends.  They have been inseparable since then.  His mother and I have worked aggressively, with the help of a couple teachers, to find other boys like them - senstive, quirky and gentle.

We now have 6 boys that we are trying to help form into a group.  It is going really well.  4 of them got together this past Saturday and formed a `band' (they are all 7/8 yo).  The house they were at has electric drums, electric piano, electric guitar and a few other things.  Supposedly, they had an absolute ball in the basement (while running back and forth to the backyard to jump on the trampoline every 10 minutes).

Their math teacher made the comment to me `they are on their own planet, but at least they are on it together'.  I love that!

I always thought that social issues were going to be his biggest struggle, but now it's the least of them.  He doesn't make friends at soccer, swim lessons or with the neighbourhood kids, but his school has proved to be a haven.