My Husband is always WRONG | ADHD Information

We have a similar situation.  I use 1-2-3 calmly and DH uses it yelling.

I have not had to physically move my kids from one spot to another for behavioural reasons (eg. refuses to go to a timeout, etc) since the youngest was 4, but DH still does it with both kids.  He grabs their upper arm and pulls them here or there.  It rarely hurts them, but why does he do it????  It isn't necessary!  If I can motivate them to to move without having to grab them, then why doesn't he pay attention and learn how to do it?

He is getting better, but this is what I do:  Whenever he is trying to motivate the kids to do something - clean a room, do this or that, and he's getting frustrated, I walk into the room and watch.  If he physically grabs them, I suggest an alternative.  If he does anything else, I allow it to happen and once the kids leave, I talk to him about whether or not it worked and how it might have worked better.  If he doesn't know the answer, I can walk him through other possible scenarios.  Another thing I do sometimes is use a code word that the kids don't know and when DH is going too far, I can say the word to get him to back off without the kids realizing we are disagreeing and divided on discipline.

He's slowly learning how to handle them. 

I also think that DH has ADHD-innatentive (same as DS). 

Please help!!!!

My son is 5 years old dx adhd/odd and is extremely hyper.  He has been to 4 preschools and 2 kindergarten classes before I decided to quite my job and home school him I am there for our son all day and expect some help when my dh gets home.  Our son is doing extremely better and hopefully will be going back to school soon.  The problem is my husband.  We all know that these kids need extreme structure and very clear directions and boundaries especially when it comes to discipline.  I use the 1,2,3 method and it works for me.  My son knows if I get to three there will be consequences.  IE time out, sent to his room, no more TV for the day and so on.  My husband on the other hand just whines at him constantly "why do you do that?" "I told you to stop"  over and over and over again with no consequences.  I swear he sounds like Squigward on Spongebob. I have given my dh numerous books on discipline and he will read them and do what they say for a few days and then he is back to his old ways.  I tell him over and over again that he needs to be very clear on what he wants and then put him on a time out when he doesn't listen to him.  I also tell him to give our son other options when he is misbehaving out of boredom or just wants attention.  It is to the point where I can't stand to be around them together.  It is my dh responsibility to put him to bed and he still can't do that after 5 years without a major problem that I need to step in and help.  I take our son everywhere without him so I can keep control over the situation.  Maybe I am just a nagging b***h and should let him do what he wants but I think it is not helping my son with the inconsistent parenting styles.  We are signed up to go to a parenting class on May 27 but I don't think I can make it that long.  Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Can you just count your husband too? 

ADHD has a strong genetic link so it can be helpful, if your husband has ever shown any signs of it, to have the parent assessed too.  It can be very difficult to be consistent with a child, or remember what do with them if you're always distracted yourself (I'm speaking from experience here). 

It can be very difficult to change habits, but he seems willing to at least try so count your blessings there.  Do you think he would be greatly insulted if your reminded him to count when he forgets?  Talk to him beforehand, maybe arrange an unspoken signal, like raising three finger consecutively (1,2,3). 

Or maybe you could just leave the house at bedtime?  If you weren't there to step in, he would eventually figure it out?  Worst case scenario, your son goes to bed late for a few nights, but on the upside your husband will probably end up with a new appreciation for all you do.  

Your situation sounds all too familiar.    I am in the same boat with my husband much of the time.  We are working with a counselor that we started see when my youngest was having some major behavioral problems.   It has helped some but part of our problem is that he is also ADD - won't really admit it - and rarely follows through on the suggestions our counselor makes.   This is very frustrating to me.

Ihave both and adhd child who needs attention and disipline and an adhd dad who won't do a darn thing about it. he says he is happy being nuts and he is. but he left us and my dying mom to supposedly go to work coming back just after mothers day I don't believe a word of it. thanks for the rant

 

Sherri, I hate to say it but you might need to lower your expectations.  My dh has similar issues and we've ended up deviding our labor lines along our strength lines.  I'm better for managing the family time for example but I'm not going to learn how to plow the driveway.  I'm better with getting the kids to bed and dh is more patient with homework.  I'm better with following through on consequences and dh is better with cooking dinner.  I'm sure dh has ADD and he is naturally not good with organizing time and remembering things that we have discussed.  It's a disability.  He's doing the best he can and he has compensating strengths as most people with ADD do.  Try to think of the good things that dh brings to your marriage.  Maybe there is a job that you do that dh could take over so that you are not so overwhelmed?  Give him praise when praise is do. 

I'm not sure that the inconsistent parenting styles are that detrimental.  I leave a list when I leave my dh with the kids so that my priorities are taken care of.  I even set the kitchen oven timer and tell husband that when the timer goes off, he should be sending the kids up to get ready for bed.  I know that the kids really benefit from dh's love and attention even if they know that I am the one that is holding everything together.  They don't resent me for my leadership; they thrive on having a creative carefree father and a mother that makes sure that their lives run smoothly.  Sometimes they tattle on their father.  That's a little annoying but telling.     

I appreciate you post and I am sympathetic.  It does help to unload on this forum.  I have to.        

mamark39580.1416550926Thank you all for your support.  I could not see the light through the crazyness in my house.  I have started using your advice and I am getting good results.  I used to tell him what needed to be down but yesterday I wrote it down and he did it!! I took over  bedtime and it went smoothly THANK GOD! I do believe all of you are right and he does have ADD.  I think if keep this in mind things will go better.  He just laughed when I told him.  Oh well.  I will change my ways and divide our chores differently.  Then maybe we both will succeed.  Now when he whines at our son I very nicely say ONE and he is following with TWO and followed through on discipline yesterday.  Thanks again, SherriGlad things are going better.  I'm glad the notes work and the dh is trying 1-2-3 magic.  Creativity and adaptability keep a marriage together.  When my dd was diagnosed with ADD it helped me to understand how to help my dh better.  Befor I knew much about ADD I kept trying to change my husband by nagging him and I thought he forgot things because he was a selfish SOB.  Now we just find ways around his issues.  Either he adapts or I adapt.  If he forgets something now I only have myself to blame because I didn't leave him a big note.  We've been married 21 years and I think that adding 2 kids to the mix was the hardest transition.  Too much chaos for dh's ADD but we figured it all out eventually.