"controling" my son | ADHD Information

I keep getting comments lately from strangers about how well I control my son.  It kind of freaks me out because I feel like I must have terrorized him into submission. 

Then again, I'm just very consistant.  I give him plenty of transition reminders, and now I don't even have to count out loud for him to get in line - I hold up my fingers, 1 - 5, and he knows he's going to lose a priviledge if I get to 5.  He'll screech at me, "Alright, mommy!" when I get to about 4.   

This is a crazy question, but that's good, right?  I'm so used to him having temper tantrums that I think they're normal.  Him "giving in" now feels to me like I've broken his spirit, and it breaks my heart.  It's like we're a circus trick - how to diffuse a meltdown.

Will I ever feel like I'm doing right by him?

I think you are doing a great job!  You haven't broken his spirit, you have given him the limits that all kids crave!

 

Being Consistent is the right thing, and a must for any child IMO. I ingore strangers, because unless they are dealing with my child, they don't have a clue.

How old is he? I made it clear to DD at about age 4 that Temper tanrtums were not acceptable,and would not be tolerated. Consequences for having one were time out, and loss of privileges. She stopped having them after a couple of weeks of losing her precious Dora cartoon. If dd is told to do something, and I have to count she loses a privilege, if she raises her voice she loses something. I don't tolerate disrespect to me or any adults. I am very strict as far as behavior is concerned, and my kids know what they can and cannot get away with....it makes it alot easier for everyone. 

I would not say that by him giving in you are breaking his spirit, he is learning to respect boundaries and learning the consequences of his behavior.

Yes... no matter where your child goes in life, he will have to learn to submit to  authority and it is only a benefit to him that he learn that now in a positive way from an adult who loves him and is looking out for his best interests 

 

You are teaching him to be respectful... and that goes a LONG way for any child...especially one having ADHD.  You are doind a GREAT job!

Thanks for the kind words!  My son is 6. 

My ambivalence is exacerbated by my mother.  I'm sure you have someone in your life who has an opinion about everything you do.  The last time my son melted down it was at the library.  Even though that feels normal to me, it's still embarrassing.  I called my mother to vent about it - that was my big mistake.  Her response was, "Did you pull his pants down and give him a good spanking right there in the library?  No?  Well, then you aren't a good parent, are you?"  But then when my son is disciplined and can't watch TV or whatever, he calls his grandmother crying about it and she will yell out at me about how can I do something like that to my son and I have no right to treat him that way.

So my gut says I'm on the right track with my son, but there are doubts that shadow me every step of the way.  Guess I'd better just get used to it.

I would add to edbson's comment:   "Being Consistent is the right thing, and a must for any child IMO. I ingore strangers--and especially your mother, because unless they are dealing with my child, they don't have a clue"

There is something about becoming a grandparent that triggers something in our parents' brains and makes them completely wig out on us.... I guess we can take comfort in that it will be our turn to do it to our own kids someday!

I have learned to let a lot of what my mom says go in one ear and out the other when it comes to the discipline of my kids....sometimes she is right and it is those times that I KNOW it...but other times she is letting the "granny" syndrome take over and spoiling my kiddos ROTTEN! Just the other day, my toddler bit me at his big brother's ballgame. I told him he was going to sit down for the rest of the game beside me on the bleachers....he snubbed and said "i sowwwy, mommy" with the big wet tears in the corners of his eyes. I was immune, but my mom said "He said he's sorry...you should let him get up" Meanwhile, I am remembering a time when I bit and got my mouth mashed, my butt spanked, and my privileges removed all at once by the SAME woman!

"Granny"--- that word messes with the mind, I tell ya!

First, I think I would have to say that all parents doubt what they are doing, as there really isn't a manual when the kids pop out!  Guilt is part of being a parent, so don't let it get to you.

Grandparents do not realize that the world has changed.  If you were to take your son's pants down and hit him in public, guess who would be going to jail?  YOU.  (And rightfully so.  That is just insane and hitting makes kids angry and it teaches them violence.)

I have to tell my mom regularly that "things ain't what they used to be!"  I literally cannot tell my son "if someone hits you, hit them back harder" like she taught me.  Know why?  They haul you both off now, and don't care who "hit first."

My mom still treats me like I am 14!  She talks to me like I am literally an idiot.  I mean real common sense stuff.  It aggravates me to no end.  Also, I am dealing with my son's grandparents on his dad's side who help me out way more than my own "family" and I use that term real loosely.  So not only do I owe these people the world, am embarrassed that my "family" is absent BY CHOICE from my son's life, but now they are sabotaging my parenting as well. 

Ignore your mother 90% of the time.  Vent here, or to someone else.  I have no one in my life to be able to vent to, so I yell while I am in the car driving when I am alone.  Or I used to curse at the tub while scrubbing it. 

LOL-just some ideas.  That's my job!
I hope you didn't take this little vent session personally!  My mother is great about pitching in - she just can't take the mother label off, and she keeps trying to mold me into the person she wishes I'd be.  It's a control thing.  I have to deal with her criticism or not have anything to do with her.  Every once in a while she breaks me down.  I know that not all grandparents are like that.

[QUOTE=John D]I would add to edbson's comment:   "Being Consistent is the right thing, and a must for any child IMO. I ingore strangers--and especially your mother, because unless they are dealing with my child, they don't have a clue" [/QUOTE]

 

My husband's mother is usually going against what my husband says to our daughter. Like...if she has been argumentive with me and saying mean things to me, we make her know that we're not going to buy her toys or anything.  Well, his mother, even though she knows what our daughter has done, will go and buy her something when my daughter asks her (if I don't buy it for her, she'll turn to her grandmother and ask her. Right in front of me too! ). Then our daughter smirks and says things to us because she got her way.  My husband had to numerously tell his mother not to be doing that because we are trying to teach her that she is not going to be rewarded for bad behavior.

This really frustrates me because even though my mother-in-law does this, she always saying how I need to raise my voice more to our daughter, mentions how much our daughter argues with me, laughs when I tell her to do something-or don't do something, ...etc, etc.  If she knows this, why does she ruin it by doing the opposite of what we are trying to accomplish with our daughter.

One time, we both just got fed up with it.  My mother-in-law loaded her up with sweet stuff: candy, ice cream, pop, cake, etc. In ONE morning!!!!!  And this was after we informed her of what the doctor said to try and see if that works on her hyperness.  Well, we thought we'd show his mom how our daughter is and maybe she'll understand more about the effects and emotions of an adhd child. So we told her to take her home with her. We decided to spend the day to ourselves, relax and just enjoyed a quiet time.  Didn't answer the phone or anything. We kinda giggled whenever his mom called and left a message.  Finally, the last message, she was (mother-in-law) WAS CRYING!!!!!  And during her cryfest she said "can you please come after you daughter now."  she won't......do this , do that, etc.

 

I'm in the mom -grandmom boat.  I am parenting one grandchild.  Do I like to spoil my grandchildren?  Heck, yes.  But, I'm smart enough to clear it with their parents first.  My children may not parent in the same syle that I do.  I often bite my tongue.[I bet I have the scars to prove it,too! lol!] I told each of my children and their spouses that if ever I saw my grandchildren abused or mistreated, I would be the first one to turn them in. Other than that, it was their job to raise their kids in the way they felt was best.

I do not run my children's lives.  I call and ask before visiting and I try to make myself available to the grands for every possible school program.  I try to be the one to see their play if mommy and daddy can't get off work.

  I am not a doormat nor am I a free babysitter.  If my kids want to go out, they can hire a sitter.

  If it is a special occasion[like a wedding or anniv. dnner] and I'm asked in advance, I jump at the chance to babysit.

  It is working.  I have a great rapport with my grands and my sil and dils.  I love it when the grands call me to tel me the exciting thing that just happened.  They know that if mommy and daddy are busy, granma will listen.