Toughlove | ADHD Information
My daughter was adopted 2 years ago she is 7 years old. She is AD/HD and OCD.It is very hard on her at home and school. It seems like someone is always having to holler at her or tell her what to do. She just can not follow directions in the afternoon or evenings. She is already on medicine 4 times a day, AHHH...its already alot!
She recently got kicked out of her after school program. It seems like I have to be such a hard mom, putting to bed early, no tv, no snack.
If someone can tell me a trick or anything our family would GREATLY love you.
Thank you for your reply!
That is my point i feel like it is always toughlove with my child. We have always tried to consider all the fact and we are learning each day.
Thank you for all your help, i will keep everything in mind and I am trying my best to learn about her condition.
I have to be honest here and give you some tough love. For you to name yourself this, and to use the descriptions that you have used to describe what is going on, it seems to me that you are expecting way too much of this child.
If you have someone in your life, say a sister, that constantly disappointed you over and over again, are you going to continue to expect the one thing she DOESN'T DO or instead, realize that this person won't or can't do what I expect?
I would lower my expectations to what she is able to handle, so as not to be constantly disappointed and upset all of the time.
MORE THAN THAT-I would learn as much as I could about what she has been diagnosed with so that I know what she should be able to do vs. what she is doing.
And remember, you don't know what her life was like before you were in it. It is likely that either what happened before, or the change in caregivers has also made her behave in a way that she likely wouldn't have if those things hadn't occurred.
I have two adopted boys and I was going to get tough with them and make them behave. I had a whole slew of rules and I clearly stated them. Things like... if you get up from the table you are done eating, If you don't come the second time I call you there will be a one minute time out and then you get another chance.
It was not working for any of us... They just got worse, more hyper, more out of control. Then I read a great book called The Connected Child and another called Beyond Logic and Consequences by Heather Grahmn. The book explains that children who come from trauma do not process life in a normal way and they are held hostage by their hair trigger reaction to anything unknown.
The new paradigm is that in the absence of love there is fear. If a child is not behaving in a loving way that child is feeling fear. So you approach them more like a child who has wakened you with a bad dream. You cannot always know what is causing the fear but you can always sympathize. Take time to de-stress her life. School may have to scale way back while she becomes more regulated. Please read the book and check out Heathers Daily Parenting Reflections. Our home has never been so peaceful and my kids so happy. Here is part of the information about trauma and children.
The first area I shall discuss is the emotional functioning of children with
emotional histories reflective of trauma. Exposure to traumatic experiences
during early development, specifically from conception to age three, exposes
the developing neurophysiologic system to what can be termed as arrested
emotional development. The environment of calm and consistent interaction
between parent and child, necessary for successful development of the
brain/body tools associated with emotional growth and regulation, is absent.
This absence creates a state of chronic stress without soothing. The
developing child continuously experiences stress during a critical period of
growth when he should be experiencing calm regulated interaction. The
outcome is a brain system poorly equipped for tolerating and managing
stressful environments.
Exposure to sufficient stress results in the emotional state of fear. The
brain and body respond to stress inwardly but this correlates cognitively
into fear, hence the fight, flight, or freeze response. The specific
receptor in the limbic system equipped for responding to threats is the
amygdala. This area of the brain responds to all manner of threat
automatically. For example, when a stress occurs, the child becomes scared
immediately.
This is an amygdala reaction. However, the hippocampus is the area of the
limbic system responsible for determining how threatening a stressful event
is, acting as the fear regulator, and ultimately the neural component
responsible for effective stress regulation. This area, along with the very
important social-emotional executive control center known as the
orbito-frontal cortex, communicates to the rational area of the brain and
makes the decision to calm down, fight, freeze, or flee. Using the example
of the scared child, the hippocampus allows the child to think in the midst
of the experience: "Well maybe this is not so scary after all." Therefore
the child calms down and is no longer frightened.
The amygdala begins the most active development in the third trimester and
continues to grow into the 18th month following birth. The hippocampus and
orbito-frontal cortex continue development through the 36th month, the
critical period of infancy. When the environment is overly stressful during
this critical period, and there is insufficient or inconsistent external
caregiver regulation, the growth of the hippocampus stagnates, hence the
term emotional arrested development. Ultimately this leads to an amygdala
that constantly signals danger, and a hippocampus that is so poorly
developed that it is unable to determine how dangerous a situation or
interaction may be. As a result, there is an escalation of stress and fear
without rational processing available to reduce it. In the words of
reputed neuropsychiatrist Bruce Perry, "You have a child that has had an
amygdala hijacking." The amygdala reacts to stress and prompts fear in an
uncontrollable manner, and the child is essentially held hostage to his or
her own neurophysiology. In fact, research demonstrates that chronic levels
of stress will damage the hippocampii, causing an actual reduction in neural
dendrites.
As the child continues to grow, his emotional system remains under arrest.
This continues until an environment conducive to constant regulation has
been provided. Once such an environment is provided, a slow tedious process
of reparative stress interaction can begin. In a highly regulated
environment, the developing system can experience emotional regulation and
develop new self-regulatory neuropathways. However, stressful interactions
will rapidly send this highly sensitive system back into old patterns of
chronic intensified fear triggered from the stress reaction, analogous to
what may happen to an inmate released from jail on probation who is
successful under constant supervision and positive interaction, but without
supervision is quickly drawn into the wrong crowd, and before long is back
in jail. When a child continues to require enhanced supervision beyond
three years it becomes increasingly difficult for parents and eventually
teachers and peers, to respond positively. As a result, the arrested neural
development is maintained and the child is not provided the necessary
regulated environment to overcome the early and powerful effects of trauma
(stress) exposure.
Sorry that is not my writing but Dr Post
B. Bryan Post, PhD, LCSW OK#2448
Diplomate, American Psychotherapy Association
http://www.postinstitute.com/
(866) 848-7678
I agree with the idea of breaking the steps up. We do that a lot with our 7 1/2 yo DS. I can send his sister to her room and she'll clean her room in 5 minutes, but if I simply tell him to clean his room, he'll still be working at it 5 hours later. He needs to have someone tell him `put the books away', `put the clothes in the hamper', `put the lego in the bin', etc. He cannot see the multiple steps involved. I don't think this difficulty for him is caused by ADHD though; I think it's from his LD.
Another thing we have done is that we have various goals that he works towards for different rewards. We have learned that punishments don't work with him. He loses track of what he is doing and finds himself forgetting/getting in trouble.
So, we have broken down key times of the day so that he cannot lose track. We broke the morning routine into 2 step chunks of time. 7:00: get up, get dressed, brush teeth. 7:15: eat breakfast and put dishes away. 7:35: put on boots, coat, etc. 7:50: be at the front door with backpack on. Since we broke up the whole process, he hasn't been late for school a single time. Prior to doing this, he was late 3/5 of the days. I also gave him a sticker if he made it on time to the front door with everything done and every 5 stickers he got, he got 30 minutes on the computer.
We have all sorts of little incentives like this for him and they all have different rewards. As he improves to the point that his habit has changed, we slowly drop the reward and he isn't aware that he now does it without incentive.
I have also been able to use this at school. I have a few incentive programs going at school and the teachers communicate his success through stamps in his planner (I bought the stamps for the teachers). He has preset rewards at home for his success at school.
I will also add that other than stickers, or things like it, none of the rewards are monetary. An example of a reward is 30 minutes of extra reading in bed before lights out.
We've also learned to pick our battles. If we are working on the skills of getting his homework and lunch bag home from school and getting to school on time, then we don't make a big deal about him sitting for dinner. We have recently dropped the rewards for getting to school on time since that is now habit, and we are now ready to pick another behaviour that we want to work on. We have learned that if we try to do it all at once, he feels beaten up inside, develops a lower self-esteem and his behaviours don't change anyway.
To go along with the one who wrote about breaking up the times...7:15 sit down to eat breakfast...I would have a clip art picture next to it. I have mentioned this several times but it works so well for us. I also use a timer to help us move along. He gets upset when the timer goes off but I just calmly tell him to take another minute or so ... but then hurry! I'm not perfect, I don't always encourage him patiently or even in a normal tone voice...parents need charts, too, some times. I make that joke because I make it with our ds. He knows I mess up some times and he knows that when I do that I will aplogize for it. I believe I am an undiagnosed add'er and he's adhd and some times we just don't mix well. So, when I slip, I do what I would expect of him. Confront it and let him know I love him enough to tell him I'M SORRY!I think in being consistent we are often times led to believe we can falter or we've damaged them for life. I was a single mom to him in the first two years of his very active and demanding life. He had many struggles and so did I and together there was much chaos in our home. When I got married, we added a man to the mix. So, we're finally getting on track and he's managing just well.
You are doing your best and 'tough love' some times doesn't mean what it used to. It's tough to love them some times, but always WORTH it!! Best of luck to you guys. Pray pray prayI wanted to add a bit to this post. First, I would say that I appreciated the information about the developing brain. The more we know about these types of things it helps our children, other people's children, and/or sometimes, ourselves.
Second, I wanted to mention to andarah that actually ADHD is probably the reason your child can't clean the room without much help. My son can't either. No matter the reward, no matter the punishment, he looks at his room like he was just asked to cure cancer. He gets aggravated, moves mess from one side to the other, or pushes everything under his bed. (Or not even everything as nothing ever is done to completion without significant help.)
Even if I break it up and say: "I want you to pick up the items in this corner and put them away" he might get distracted by something else. Remember that ADHD makes the person do what they want more than what they ought.
Next, wanted to say that I cannot agree more regarding how these children feel about themselves if they cannot do what you are asking of them. THEY FEEL BROKEN. They feel useless, like something is wrong with them.
The most success I have had with my son is by LOVING HIM EXTRA. Explaining to him things in a logical manner, and not by just telling him to "do it." The more love I show him, the less argumentative he is, the less confrontational and the more likely to try his best. My son is 13. I still give him big hugs and kisses and tell him I love him and that he is a good boy. It really works-you CANNOT love your child too much. It is impossible. (I am not talking about smothering your child, either.)
Thank you so much everyone. I feel so bad for her also. She seems to always be getting told what to do.
I will try the breaking things down one at a time. She will have a doctors apt. this week. So i will check with the doctors concerning her medicine.
Thanks...Anything else would help!
< =text/>_popupControl(); I'm certainly not suggesting that you give up any attempt to discipline, but maybe she needs your home to be a stress-free zone for a while. Years ago we went through the foster parents classes in anticipation of adopting from the county and learned that many older kids up for adoption have PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder. Could this be a possibility? That, combined with the need to test just exactly how much it will take for you to NOT love her, can really cause problems. Have you spoken with a counselor about this?
toughlove,
You may need to watch how the directions are given. They may be overwhelming to her. If you tell her to clean her room, for instance. It is a big job and she doesn't know where to start. Try breaking directions down into bite sized pieces. Instead of pick up your room, it could be, please put your underwear in the underwear drawer. Then, please make your bed neatly by starting with the sheet, then the blanket, etc.
It's hard on the care giver but it makes for a lot less stress.
toughlove,
for her to be on meds 4 times a day, it sounds like they are NOT working.
have you thought of having her reevaluated or the meds revisited?
Who is prescribing her meds? what are they? is she diagnosed with JUST adhd?
I feel bad for her, she is only 8 yrs old. I agree with grannyfran's advice, break it up, but also revisit her meds! They certainly aren't helping her!
Please keep us updated!
Goals and rewards work for my son. It definitely works better than disciplining him. And I do the count down method if he needs to do something immediately.
But I also give him a ton more feedback than would seem necessary. I think nothing of telling him 10 times to do something. He needs to have someone right there to get anything done. So my expectations adapted to him.
Good luck!