Arggh! | ADHD Information

my mom used to give me such a hars time about my son being medicated(see she just let me and my brother suffer) i am making him a drug addict.... yada yada yada .. now that she has seen him on the right medication she no longer bothers me thank god. that was a very hard process to deal with my heart goes out to youHi Jessica N...sounds like you need a new "close friend". Don't let the toxic people bring you down! Sounds like you've tried as hard or harder than alot of people. Good luck!

Thanks everyone. I've chilled a bit today .

spamula -- my mother also said that if i medicate i will cause my child to become drug-addicted. I had to pick my jaw up off the floor!

MondiH831-- I love that comment about the situation being off-limits.

I'm waffling between saying something like that or actually telling them that my child has been re-evaluated privately and by the school and found to no longer meet the ADHD criteria, exited from SE, etc, outgrew ADHD! Going forward, he's doing fantastic or course. I know it's a flat out lie, but it sure would bury the subject forever.

Jessica N39588.9041435185

That's why I tell almost nobody that my child is ADHD. So many people just don't understand. Of course because I don't have anyone to talk to about it I feel VERY lonely in my situation most of the time. It is so frustrating! Even my mom who tries really hard to help and understand gets caught up in what she hears on tv (the news, Dr. Phil, etc.).

Good luck!

Thanks. These are the only two people I've told -- I think that's part of the frustration for me. I was kind of counting on them to be in my corner. Instead, they are pointing the finger at me.

Just spent the day with a close friend who asked how my child was doing. So I told her the truth. She was totally indignant and said that she could not believe that I was trying to get my child medicated and I just needed to use corporal punishment! I had to hold my tongue and listen to her idiotic comments because we were in a restaurant and her voice carries. OMG! I did manage to tell her that I thought she was ignorant but did not elaborate. So aggravating!! This is a highly educated and intelligent person. She thinks that ADHD is not real. I guess in the future I'll just smile and say that my child has really matured and everything is great. Or change the subject. Not sure. In truth, I feel like ignoring her emails and phone calls and cutting her off entirely.

At the same time my mother is INSISTING that ADHD can be managed without medication. She is actually coming to my house and "demonstrating" proper parenting! She is implying that I have poor parenting skills, and that many of the behaviors are due to poor parenting. This is from someone who raised two easy children. She is aware that between the school and I, literally thousands of dollars have been spent on non-medication efforts, not to mention all of the time and effort. We are probably nearing k. All efforts have been described to her in detail as they occurred. I feel like telling her point blank that she is un-teachable on the subject of ADHD, and the topic is now off-limits, including "how is he doing in school?"

Both of these people think that I need to put out more effort. I need to try harder, not medicate.

I am ready to scream! These two people are simply causing me more stress.

Jessica N39592.8251388889

My mother-in-law used to make comments about my dd being on medication. The last time she was here and made a comment I looked at her point blank and told her that my daughter and her "situation" was off-limits for her.

I refuse to talk to anyone about ADHD that isn't educated, or that doens't have a child with ADHD because people are ignorant and don't understand.

I have a brother who is in medical school right now. He called me up the other day and apologized to me for saying anything about my daughter and her ADHD. He told me that he never thought it was "real" either. But he had a lecture from one of his psychology professors that day who actually educated the students on what a real neurological problem it is these kids have. He was floored!

I would not bring your son up to your friend or your mother and I wouldn't let your mother come over and show you about "discipline" either.

Good luck!

I know the feeling my DS father tells me all the time that he's fine and doesn't need his meds. He only sees him on holidays and birthdays. What does he know!!. Just rember your a good mom. ADHD kids are more challanging the nonadhd kids. Your doing the best you can. I challage any of those anti belivers to spend a week alone with our kids. Bet they couldn't do it!

Good Luck

My daughter's physican said the same thing - many adults that have ADD/ADHD that went undiagnosed, have "self-medicated" with drugs and alcohol.

Thanks everyone for the feedback!! So many great viewpoints! You guys are awesome.

Jessica: You can tell the people who think you are making your son addicted to drugs that statitics show about 70 percent of ADHD kids who DO NOT get medicated at a young age have a greater chance of self medicating when they are 13 and older. When I was making the decision not to medicate my ds or not, my doctor and a counselor provided me with this information. Considering this fact, it wasn't hard after that to make the choice. I too tried all non medication ways of dealing....controlling food he ate, supplements, couseling, behavior mod in school and home, etc....it all worked to some extent for a short period of time, but life at home and school was still very hard for him. When he came home one day crying that he was tired of being different and wanted help, we gave it to him...MEDS! Within a few months, he became student of the month at his school and he now has a ton of friends! People who do not have ADHD children cannot possible understand what it is like to be a parent to this wonderful children or what is is like to be an adhd child! You need to do what is best for your child regardless of what your mom or friend say. Believe me, I tried all kinds of discipline.......they aren't bad kids...they cannot control some of their behaviors!

Good luck.

mars

It is so fascinating to read about peoples attitudes to medication in particular.

Our son was diagnosed at 6 after a year of hell at school and the threat of being expelled ...at 6! We invited my parents over for a weekend to "observe" our parenting and make comment. Neither could fined fault in what we did.

We agonised over medication having read all the negatives posted but in the end felt we had to try it for all our sakes ...wow what a difference, our son has never looked back. Dose was built up slowly and he is now on 30mg/day slow release ritalin. This does suppress his lunch time appetite but he eats like a horse at tea time. We are now using melatonin to aid his sleep and that works very well.

Both I and our son race karts, Sam is only 8 now but I have found that Karting really helps him and gives a huge boost to his self esteem, which ADHD kids need so much. Karting is and individual sport but as a group all at the same time which gives him a good sense of belonging. I found team sports are so difficult for him ...as others don't understand.

One question for those with more experience. His daily dose is fine for the structured day of school and family life, however, on race days he needs that little bit more spirit and aggression in his driving.

Sam is now noticing this as his driving is very good come the final when his dose has declined enough to release that bit more natural competitiveness. Problem is he is way down the grid because of poor results in his heats. I have noticed this for some time but Sam is now getting frustrated with the situation.

How do others adjust things in sports or competitive situations?

Just to add to what someone else said: my son's father wasn't given medication. He has been instead smoking pot to control his ADHD for nearly 30 yrs.---I also dated someone with this-he drank until he nearly died from a poisoned liver.

NO ONE WANTS TO BE OUT OF CONTROL. NO ONE WANTS TO BE POINTED AT IN A CROWD. NO ONE WANTS TO GET IN TROUBLE. NO ONE WILL GO WITHOUT MEDICATION OF SOME SORT IF THIS IS LIFE ALTERING--WHICH IN MY EXPERIENCE IT IS IMMENSELY.
[QUOTE=Jessica N]

At the same time my mother is INSISTING that ADHD can be managed without medication. She is actually coming to my house and "demonstrating" proper parenting! She is implying that I have poor parenting skills, and that many of the behaviors are due to poor parenting. This is from someone who raised two easy children, and was a "C" rated parent. I have significantly more parent skills on my tool belt than she does at this point. She is aware that between the school and I, literally thousands of dollars have been spent on non-medication efforts, not to mention all of the time and effort. We are probably nearing k. All efforts have been described to her in detail as they occurred. I feel like telling her point blank that she is un-teachable on the subject of ADHD, and the topic is now off-limits, including "how is he doing in school?"

Both of these people think that I need to put out more effort. I need to try harder, not medicate.

I am ready to scream! These two people are simply causing me more stress.

[/QUOTE]

This sounded like something I could have written. Ask these people if their child was sick with cancer, would they just "parent the illness all better?" What a bunch of garbage! This is exactly what aggravates the ____ out of me with regards to this society and its love of misinformation.

I also was made to go through hell and back prior to being allowed to try medication. What was gained? A child failing school, feeling embarrassed for lack of control, major injuries due to lack of foresight and planning, and for what? Just to prove that I was a bad parent?

Instead, once medication was started, they realized that I and his dr. were right all along. (Not that they have yet admitted as such-4 years later!)

To be honest, if people can't support you, and they make you feel less than, or more burdened than you already feel: tell them so, and let them decide if they A. want to learn more about ADHD, B. shut up, or C. buzz off entirely-their choice. But, you most certainly aren't going to take their abuse any further. (I call those people "know-it-all-know-nothings").

Jessica -
I agree with you. Next time don't tell your friend the truth! Hehehe. If she asks you how your child is doing, simply say, 'Oh just fine thanks!' and move on to another subject. You are under no obligation to give any information about your child. Period. I often ran into the very same problem - I was simply too honest and I had to learn that.

I don't think you should hold your tongue if there is a next time. You don't need to be as loud of course, but you can be just as direct. Let her know that you are happy to continue a friendship but the topic of your child/adhd/medication is off the table.

Your mom is a hard one - simply because you are probably less inclined to start a war with your mom. Maybe you can have her stay with your child for a whole week . . . minus any medication . . . hehehe. See if she's still in one piece when you get back! HA!

I have a very good friend who's children are the poster children of 'perfection' and I hated telling her but decided to anyway. I needed to talk!! And she surprised me by saying "let me tell you something, I've met your son and he's sweet and kind and intelligent. You feel free to tell people that he has struggles but you make sure that you add that he's still perfect!" and she was very serious.
I got off the phone with her and I thought to myself "He struggles, but he doesn't quit. He drives me crazy but he's persistent-that can pay off when it's targetted towards healthy things. He's easily excited and I totally feel like it pays off when I do the smallest things for him...don't even get him started on bigger surprises! He is sweet, he is smart..." and it changed my mind altogether.

Our children struggle and they even cause us stress but SERIOUSLY-what child doesn't do that??? Our children are special, each one of them. Find what talents they have or what they love to do and focus on that in conversations. No one lives what you do daily-they'll never understand. Come here for comfort but also-change your approach.
that's my $.02

I know how much it sucks when it feels like there is no support from the people who should be closest to you. My mother and sister have both said some pretty horrible things about ADHD and my decisions regarding my son- my sister actually told me it was my fault (the only reason I will still speak to her is because she is so obviously adhd herself and I know she didn't think through what she said).

The subject was off the table for a very long time, but recently my mother called and started complaining about my sister's parenting skills. The baby's 10 months old and my mom said my sis doesn't keep her clean, leaves stuff all over the place that the baby finds and eats, and on and on. All legitimate concerns, but my mom said that every time she brings it up my sister gets totally overwhelmed at the idea of being able to keep the house clean/picked up enough to keep the baby safe. I said something about my sister needing to be assessed for adhd (the messy house is not the only sign)- AND MY MOM AGREED. Apparently she just need a couple years for all the info I gave her to sink in. So there's hope.

My in-laws, who live close enough to see the kids regularly, were doubtful in the beginning too. Then they got to see him on meds- it wasn't until they were really able to see how different his behavior was and how improved his grades were that they convinced.

Is there a CHADD group that meets near you? Your best bet is to find someone who also has a kid with adhd. One of my closest friends has a son a little older than mine who also has it and it's great to have someone to commiserate with. Or just hang out at school functions and you'll eventually run into someone- I'll talk to almost anyone about it and have had several parents pull me aside and ask me for more info/were to go for testing.

hi jessica n

i love my sister dearly (i have three) and she is an absolutely great person. her husband worships the ground she walks on, she is funny to death, straightforward, honest and really great. but she has absolutely "anti-parenting" skills --- i have never seen anything like it! she has four children - and you can have them there all happily playing for hours and within 10 minutes of my sister coming into the room - at least three of them are in tears! it's almost funny. it really is.

in any given situation with her children she almost invariably, unbelievably chooses the worst choice. there could be 58 right or neutral things to do or say and only ONE that will make the situation worse. and every time. almost every time - she will do that one.

and it doesn't mean she doesn't love them. she loves them to death. and she tries SO hard. fifty times harder than both my other sisters --- she keeps all their food organic and she organises this and that and just puts 100% effort in but because she NEEDS TO because she just approaches everything in the most back-asswards way.

and i love her --- and i am in no way dissing her. it is just the way it is. and it is in EVERYTHING. the children ask her something quietly and politely (for example) and she doesn't respond until they scream it - then she reacts and so they learn screaming at mummy is the answer. it's kinda funny to watch it but it is sad as well. as i said, within five minutes of my sister coming in the room --- it suddenly deteriorates with her going "no, er no, no wait - no H, let R have a turn - no wait not R, hang on wait stop no, no S now come on. now, no, no, now hang on no children --- " by this stage as i said before everyone is in tears and the tricycle has been thrown across the room in confusion. with these contradictory, panicky instructions and the whole thing.

and it is in no way her fault she really tries - and the important thing is, she loves them all and gives them a great stable environment. so they'll turn out fine. she just doesn't get the whole parenting thing in terms that they understand so it always ends up in tears or confrontation or shouting or them ignoring her because she never follows through, makes no sense to them and they know that if they go on long enough - she'll give in. and so on and so forth.

i never speak to her about it unless she directly asks me for some advice because she has to manage it as best she can.

and obviously it is your choice to medicate (and that is a slightly different subject anyway) and i can really understand that it is probably difficult to hear --- but rather than reacting defensively perhaps you COULD just listen to what your mother has to say (if they have any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism) rather than just "you're rubbish!". and if you think it is worthwhile, useful advice use it. and if it isn't - discard it.

my sister is open. often asking for any suggestions --- although i don't tend to give them because i think it can contradict another person's parenting style and just add to confusion. but she is very open - and it is a positive approach to have.

her third child is ADHD-gifted and has that terrible anger in the mornings - comes down all out of sorts, completely jangled. i would approach it differently to my sister but the way she does it makes sense for her - which i think is important. it doesn't exactly resolve the situation as the whole thing happens still EVERY morning (as far as i am aware) but they have to work out their own dynamic.

i am ADD and was raised without medication - as were almost all UK kids who were born in the 70s. so i understand why other people can be shocked or wary of the ritalin prescription... it is complicated.

i think for parents in those days --- there was far more support within the school structure. the schools simply HAD TO deal. schools never, never involved the parents unless the child was to be expelled (which in my school happened only to 3 children in the entire time i was there - and that was for smoking/drinking offences rather than behaviourial issues). nowadays it seems schools abdicate that responsibility for maintaining discipline in the classroom to the parents. ???

and i don't get that. at all.

i just think it might be a shame to cut off your closest forms of support (your friend and mother) over this. it IS your choice to medicate but you ought be able to keep the friendship and relationship regardless. it shouldn't be an either or - and it may seem that your mother is stepping in with huge size nines but she presumably only wants to help and all that is hurt really is your ego.

it's still your choice to medicate - nobody can take that choice away. why lose friends and family when you probably need as much support as you can get. they were probably shocked and/or surprised and of course nobody would want to medicate their child given the option.... so perhaps just give them time to get used to the idea???? or maybe not. whatever you think is best, i guess.

chjones39588.2306597222

Jessica: I really feel for you. You sound like a strong and informed person, so your child is lucky. Kudos to you!

We've had to go through some growing pains, too! I've learned from my mistakes (one of which was to openly discuss ADHD with family and friends), and through trial and error, I feel more confident of our decisions and less concerned about those who are naysayers. I commend you on and can relate to your dedication and the investment of your time and effort as well as outside resources to help your child. You're doing everything you can to give your child the best opportunities available!

Lucky we have this board to post on!

Hi Jessica N.

I wouldn't distort the truth to these people. Just tell them, if they ask, that your child is getting the best possible care and you would appreciate their support or not to comment. I know that will be hard with your mother but you need to be in control. If that is not possible with your friend or mother then you need to limit your exposure to them.

Best wishes- sounds like you are doing a great job.

there are very few people out there who truly understand. i didn't understand adhd until my son was diagnosed. i became obessesed with reading everything i could about how he's affected by this and treatment options. before i discovered adhd, i thought i was a bad parent and thought that ritalin was being used to make all spirited children submissive. and i considered myself to be well read. there was a very bad PR campaign against stimulants back in the 90's which contributed to this current thought and unfortunately has not been set right.

even my mom, who fully supports our decision to use medication, balks if i mention that he might need a higher dose or a different med.

it's sad to feel we must "hide" this from family and friends.