opinions on staying back | ADHD Information

HI All, I am struggling with keeping Wyatt back this year.  He is immature for his age as most are and has had some difficulty this year.  He is in 2nd grade.  There are only 19 kids in his whole grade and he has no friends in the class.  He is alone at every recess and now is being made fun of.  The grade behind him has 22 kids so they are split in two classes which would give him more time with the teacher next year and he would be a little closer to them in maturity.  Also, (and I know that this is petty and judgmental) I feel that more of the kids in the class below him have the kind of parents who are down to Eartha nd accepting.  It is just a different type of people, if that makes sense.  The problem...his younger brother is in that grade and eventually they would end up in the same classroom because in the older grades they combine classes with 22 or more kids.  His brother, according to his 1st grade teacher, is the kid that everyone wants to sit with.  He is smart and pretty good at everything and is invited to every party etc etc.  I am afraid that that would be a new problem for Wyatt to deal with.  My gut tells me to do it anyway.  The school at this point has left it up to us.  All opinions "for" or "against" would be appreciated. 

ooooh boy, this ones tough. What do his grades look like? If he is at academic level it's harder to keep him back. If he's behind in academic level and socially, I personally am for keeping him back.

The whole brother issue, however, does put another bit of a wrench in that. How do he and his brother get along?

They do not give grades in the younger classes just s for satisfactory or s- or s+.  He usually has s in everything but that is with meds, with tutoring 3 mornings a week, and extra help in the classroom.  He gets 100's on his spelling tests.  My concern is more the maturity level and in third grade they are required to do more work independently.  He and his brother have a pretty good relationship.  Mason feels bad when Wyatt gets made fun of.  They don't play together much because Mason is into sports and rough stuff and Wyatt likes art and building things.  They fight just like anyone else I guess.  Mason wouldn't mind if Wyatt is in his class.  That may change later though. 

well I think you have to worry about later when it gets here, for now at least they will not be in the same class.

 I just dont know if keeping him back for maturity only is the answer. I did keep my daughter back (in Kindergarten), mainly for maturity, but she also struggled academically, even with support.  I ma very FOR taking your time with children education. There is NO rush here, it doesnt matter when they move up, it should be when they are ready. He will probably still need all that support no matter what grade he is, but if he is miserable with his peers, it is probably best to keep him back. The social piece is AS big as the academic piece. I am moving my daughter to new school (full SPED program), she will turn 14 this summer. We found one that stressed social development, even over acdemics at this point. They're attitude is she has until 22 to grduate, ets keep her with a good perr group and we'll get her there.............

Go with your gut, I think you already have.

I would just make sure you realize that it is possible that you hold him back and he STILL has social problems.   Holding him back won't change the way he relates to others.  Just food for thought.

I am pretty sure that he will still have social problems.  I would have to send him back two years to put him where he should be maturity wise. 

I always say go with your gut.

Why is the school leaving it up to you?  I think their opinion would be helpful.

If his brother is popular, maybe he can kind of "look out for his little brother" and bring him into his social network.   Maybe you could have a private talk with Mason and ask him if he'd include Wyatt with his friends - kind of introduce him around?

It is important to think about the future but I think right now you should just deal with the present situtation.

The principal's son has ocd so she knows the worries that I have.  She feels he can go to third grade and we will see how it goes but if I want to hold him back now she'll support it.  the teacher is not comfortable moving him forward but will respect whatever decision we make.  He already knows alot of the kids in his brother's class because alot of them come to our house.  There are only 21 in the whole grade so when we have a birthday party for Mason most of the class comes.  There is also a girl who goes to the same after school sitter that my boys go to.  She and Wyatt are friends and she comes over our house from time to time.   Mason does try to incluse Wyatt but Wyatt usually chooses not to join in because he doesn't like what they are playing.  Sometimes Mason will do whatever Wyatt wants even though it is boring for him.  

Tough decision.  As long as you don't think he'll be board academically, holding him back might not be a bad idea.  Yes, third grade is a time when the kids start having to handle more from an organizational stand point and then eventually you will face middle school andf high school where having good executive function skills are even more necessary. 

My DS has a late summer bday and so we waited a year to send him to Kindergarten - at the time I didn't know he had ADHD we just did it because  down the road (3rd grade, middle school, college) we figured being a year older was better than being the youngest in the class, especially since he was a boy (understand that at barely 5 when he was eligible for K we felt he was very ready both academically and maturity.  We only held him because we were thinking long term).  Once we discovered he had ADHD we were really glad we had done it.  He got through elementary fine but now in 6th grade I think his lack of exec. func. skills is starting to catch up to him and I am worried about 7th grade. Also his social immaturity is more pronounced now.  Thank goodness he was in 6th grade and not 7th this year.  At least he is 1 year closer to those kids with maturity levels like him!

I don't think there is a clear "right" or "wrong" answer for you.  Weigh the pros and cons and talk to LOTS of people like you are doing here.  No doubt you'll get some new thoughts about it.  Good luck!

My son repeated kindergarten, he is just finishing up 2nd grade now.  Tough decision but the right one. The school clearly made the decision for us.  Recent research indicated that children that repeat any grade 4th and above tend to develop some serious concerns (self-esteem, behavior, etc).  If you are going to do it all, it should be now.  Consider having a family conference to allow your sons to voice their opinions so they don't feel left out about what is a move that impacts them both. Not to bring you down, but you may want to be ready for the feelings that your son will have about repeating.  It's never a good thing even if it is the right thing.  Make sure that he has the tools to respond when he is asked about it.    Kids notice a development like this and want to know why.  If I was you, I would have him repeat.  Calling it "senior second grade" is corny but we used that term to express our son's situation--they are too young to understand redshirting.

THANKS you guys.  It's always hard to know if I am doing the right thing and you've given me lots to think about.  If anyone else has an opinion good or bad Ia m open to hearing it. MY SON WAS IN 3RD AND HAD SUCH A HARD TIME HE ALMOST DROPPED OUT. THE FUNCTIONING SKILLS WERE TOO HIGH FOR HIM. BUT WE FOUND A GREAT 4TH GRADE TEACHER WHO HAS HELPED TREAMENDOUSLY ON GETTING HIM BACK ON TRACK. NOW HE IS AT GRADE LEVEL OR ABOVE ON EVERYTHING INCLUDING WRITING WHICH HE COULD NOT DO LAST YEAR, MY SON IS THE YOUNGEST IN CLASS AND I WISH NOW I HAS HELD HIM BACK IN PRE-K BUT HE WAS SOOO SMART WE DIDN'T AND NOW WE ARE SEEING SOME OF THE SOCIAL PROBLEMS. aSLO GETTING THE 504 REALLY HELPED AS WELL.spamula39604.2939814815

Please keep in mind that children with ADHD have a 30% maturity lag which continues throughout childhood whether the child is held back or not. If parents have concerns about the maturity factor and/or grades, along with the proper treatment for ADHD to manage the symptoms effectively there are support services available inside or outside the school that will address such concerns and problems. For example, social skills training classes, special in house  accomodations or outside tutoring. In all the competant studies done on this issue, holding back doesn't create readiness for the next grade maturity wise for the ADHD child but most schools will still encourage such a practice as its a short term solution to a long term problem. A number of recent, large-scale studies have put the final nail in the coffin for retention as a long-term, beneficial intervention for children struggling in school.

Repeating anything will see slight improvement in the child short term but not significantly enough to see a major difference in the long term and in the long term, many children will always beleive they were held back because they were "stupid" We know that isnt true but this is a child's perception of such a decision.

You know your child best so you have to weigh the pro's and con's of making a decision and think about how it will impact on the child self esteem wise. Again, every child is different with different needs and problems so  there is no right or wrong answer. However, for the child that has ADHD. in the absence of a severe learning disability,with effective treatment and the right support services. the child will see their full potential at grade level. Good luck and please keep us posted :)

Luvmykids0239604.7736921296

Let me know how the support group goes.  I have considered doing something similar where we live but am concerned about people who don't really know us labeling my son.  We are new to this community and it is a small town so.....

Good luck!  I hope all goes well!

Sounds like you are moving in the right direction!  yay!

One more thing to think about.  You said your son is into Art and Building.  Have you looked into any outside Art classes available in the community?  Sometimes it is easier for children to relate to children that are into the same things they are.  It's easier for Athletic kids to make friends because they are into sports and have their teammates that they bond with.  Maybe if you can find him outside of school activities that interest him and have other children in them that he can relate to it may help him socialize better.

We've been lucky our DD is a sports fanatic, somewhat of a tomboy, so sports really helped her learn to socialize better.  Playing on a team helped her learn to interact with others a little better.

Just a thought.  Good luck!

The next elementary school is in another town and I would have to pay tuition which isn't an option.  I myself have had a bit of a breakthrough.   The stress has subsided a bit.  As I explained before they are a small class.  Well I have gotten to talk to another mom who has twin boys in the same class.  They are on the EXACT meds that Wyatt is on and she is stuggling with taking them off and she tells me there is a girl too. Can you believe 4 in the same class?  Obviously the teacher couldn't tell me and my son never mentioned that one of the twins had had accidents too.  So...they are coming over this weekend to play for awhile.  The mom was happy becasue they don't get invited many places because they tend to have issues even on meds.  Anyway I know I shouldn't get too excited but Wyatt is happy to have friends coming over that understand how he feels.  We have decided to move him forward and see how next year works out.  YOu guys really helped! THANKS Also, in light of recent revealtions I had an idea to start a support group.  I am placing a letter to the editor in our local paper.  The mother of the twins has rounded up a few people to attend already.  Here is my letter...

I am writing to invite parents throughout the area to an organizational meeting for the parents of children with disabilities. My son was diagnosed with Inattentive ADD a couple of years ago.  We have tried different approaches to treatment and are at a crossroads.  We have a 504 plan in place and the school staff is wonderful.  My biggest concern at this time is his lack of social skills.  Children his age do not understand that his maturity level is three years behind them.  He is a happy loving child who wants to touch and hug everyone.  That doesn’t always go over well with other kids.  When I see him on the playground alone, it hurts.  I used to be one of those people who thought kids with ADD just needed discipline.  I am now here to say that the two other children we have at home have no issues and are well disciplined.  ADD/ADHD is real and I had no right to judge.  If you have a child with any type of disability, whether it may be OCD, Dyslexia, Autism, Physical Disabilities, Learning, or one of the many others, you are invited to this meeting.  Since we are such a small population there may not be anyone else in the group who knows about your child’s specific issue but we can listen and offer support. The goal of the group is to meet with people who understand what you are feeling, and to share information. We can set up play dates so that the kids can get to know other kids who understand what it feels like to be different.  The first meeting will take place on Monday June 16, 6:30pm at the St.Agatha Town Office.  The location of the meeting was chosen to be central for people from Allagash to Van Buren.  The location of future meetings will be changed based on participation.  No children at this first meeting please. For more information e-mail, helpsjvkids@yahoo.com.  I have asked the Times to keep my name anonymous only to protect my son. 

good for you! this is a great letter and a wonderful idea..................I wish your group success, and your son,

I'm glad you were able to mkae a decision for next year.  I know what a relief it can be just to get through the decision process........................

This is hard. I have a personal experience that may give you food for thought.

My brother has ADHD (called hyperactivity back then), and dyslexia.  He is 2 years older than me.  I am gifted, no learning difficulties and had a far easier time in school (academically).  My parents held him back in Kindergarten for social reasons and we went through school only 1 year apart.  In grade 11 he dropped out and when he went back, he had to join my graduating class.  I never thought anything of it.

Years later he has still not forgiven me for being `the perfect one'.  I am the furthest from perfect that a person can be, but in his perception, I am the favorite and perfect.  He has a tremendous amount of anger directed at me.  My parents never treated us differently, except to give him the help that he needed for homework.

I think, and I may be wrong, that he is so frustrated with the difficulties that he had, and the ease that he perceived me to have, that he cannot move on from it.

 

So, if your younger son was not an issue, I would definitely recommend holding Wyatt back.  But, the consequences could be far more reaching and damaging to have them in the same class than are thinking about right now.  I think it depends on their relationship, the amount of sibling rivalry, etc.  Only you know your family dynamics. 

Is there another school within a reasonable distance?  Could you hold Wyatt back and move him to another school so that he wouldn't have to go through with his brother?  At the same time, if this is possible, could you go in and speak to the teacher ahead of time and let her know your son's struggles?  Maybe s/he could pair him up with a couple other potential friends on the first day that are similar.