You’re Not Invited | ADHD Information
I do like the idea of a party of your own...you know, we just need to keep perspective. Children are mean BUT SO ARE 'ADULTS'!! So teaching your child now that if they aren't invited/included-throw yourself a party!! You are your own best friend. This will literally teach your child not to harbor hard feelings and become hard-hearted. If you teach him to just celebrate LIFE, it's much easier on him as life comes at him. After all, in some sense, as adults-we aren't 'invited/included' in many things, disappointment happens to us all. If we could just learn to embrace our differences and accept things as they are with a joyful heart, it makes life much more bearable. I thought her idea of throwing his own party was light-hearted, loving and most of all-FUN. It's not something that would be regretted or shameful or vindictive. You could teach your son a lot with that move...in mho.That's what I meant - not have a competing party, but do something your son would enjoy, so he could look forward to something rather than focusing on what he was missing out on.Yes, the problem is there are like 10 boys in the class and all are nice except this one. The other parents have mixed feelings about letting theirs hang with this kid but since he has the most material goods they want to go. All of this is a very good lesson for my son.I was staying out of this thread for a while as I have very mixed feelings on all this. It goes without saying that what this boy did was obnoxious and mean. Kids, unfortunately are obnoxious and mean. My own children have said things to poeple that I am mortified over. 12 year old boys are not adults and are not going to act like it. The kids parents are obviously not raising him to be a very nice person.
I agree with mamark, move on. Middle schoolers are whole new breed. They start to form their little groups and in some ways this is good. Do you WANT your child hanging out with kids like him? My daughter was treated this way by her BEST friend in 4th grade. The step mom knew too........dont even get me started
, but after I said my peace, we moved on, they're still best friends (not to my liking). BUT now in 7th grade this girl was invited 2 weekends in a row to sleep over our house, they (meaning her and the mom) left us hanging both weekends and the second invite said, no we can do it NEXT Friday. The girl was invited to sleep over some one elses house who has horses......anyway, my point my daughter stood up to her and is seeing the person this girl is becoming. I feel terrible each time my daughter gets her feeling hurt, but they are becoming different people and she is seeing that. Having your feelings hurt is infortunately part of life. Schools today and a lot of parents do whatever possible to avoid hurt feelings, but when and how do our kids learn to grow from that and that is OK to not always be included? And that sometimes we're diassappointed?
Help your son find his niche and his own friends, again, this is NOT who want your child hanging out with. Do something with him even if it's a prty, but a different day and let him invite who wants.........he is going to grow and maturefrom this experience..........
This is really great advice. Thank you! This forum has helped me so much.
teach your children to be kind to everyone and if someone is not kind to them - walk away. You can't make people like you, your children, etc...only thing you can do is raise your children to be respectful human beings.
Since school is out, probably nothing unfortunately.
My DS is in elementary. They have a rule, invite no one, or everyone. I realize this is impossible with older kids though.
[QUOTE=williemom]... I did call and they contacted the parents...[/QUOTE]
Good for you!
I have a twelve year old girl who is perfectly happy not being invited to "those" types of parties. She has found friends that are not such risk-takers. It won't make her popular but she doesn't want the risks associated with being "popular". It is actually a very negative word for her. She doesn't like their mean behavior or their clone-like pressure for conformity. She is happiest not being included now. She knows that these girls are at risk for drug/alcohol abuse, unsafe sex, pregnancy and conforming to the point that they give up their dreams. The parties are going to get more and more exciting and dangerous. Hopefully the boys will start forming more interest-specific groups and the "cool" boys will clique together leaving more ordinary boys to safer pass-times.
I would definitely not have a party and invite this boy. I would do the oposite. I would encourage your son to hang around only with boys that are nice and have similar interests. This is the time for kids grouping with kids of similar interests and this helps them feel good about themselves and accepted for their choices. I tell my dd to be polite to everyone in school but hang out with the special ones. It is well-known that bullies get worse when you try to befriend them. They often pretend to be a friend long enough to get a few jabs in, usually in front of a group of kids. It raises their status and lowers the victim's status. It's a very cheap way to feel superior about themselves. They ususally have low self-esteem. Can't earn respect in a legitimate way.
I also think that it does no good to contact parents at this age. You can't change this kid or his family at 12. It would only be a superficial change if this kid were to act differently. It just would get more sneaky. This is a whole new game after elementary school.
Celebrate the good friendships!!! Forget about the bad ones!!! I tell you this from experience with a once very depressed daughter who is now sure of herself.
mamark39607.3140046296Exclusion is considered to be a form of bullying. You could talk to the principal about it. At my child's school, they are sent to the principal for repeated exclusion behavior.Boy you got that right! I did call and they contacted the parents. I'm not sure where it will go from here. Well I have to say I have learned a lot from this post My son is only 4 and has not yet entered school however we live in a big complex with lots of kids and I have noticed the bullying going on with my son in the past couple of weeks . I have been on those children and their parents. I have no tolerance for bullying my oldest son who is now 19 was a bully and every time he was caught was discipline drastically for his actions. ( My oldest son is a great guy now, who has respect for everyone)I am now trying to pull my youngest son away from these children and he is not allowed to associate with them. I believe your children learn from you as the parent My motto that I teach my children is it takes a bigger man to walk away , be the bigger person and keep walking .
I agree make your son his own party make him feel that he is special to.
Amen to that.
How absolutely refreshing to hear that a bully was actually changed & turned around into a respectful
nineteen year old. That's practically an oxymoron, LOLTotally Agree with Wyatt's Mom.
There is practice in Budhism called "right speech"
Quite simple - think before you speak
Don't say anything to anyone that could hurt them.
Apprently this kid's parents are rude and ignorant and haven't told their son that some things said at home should be left at home.
The Special Seat On The Bus, LOL--I LOVE it...
'bout time public humiliation came back in style for Mean People
kitkat,
I always tried to reach out to the parents of agressive 4 year olds. I often would speak directly to the offensive kid also. I think that four year olds are still plastic and are easier to change. Some parents really appreciate the input. If my efforts were not successful then I would have to limit the amount of time my child spent with the agressive child. I find that the older the kids get, the more difficult it is to accomplish anything by contacting the parents.
At the middle school age that I kind of give up on trying to improve someone else's child unless I have a close relationship with the parents. Another factor is that kids need to find their own ways of dealing with bullies and often they don't want mom to intervene. If something gets beyond the control of my daughter, I am more likely to email a teacher or talk to the bus driver to help separate a bully physically from my child. I don't ask the supervising adult to reprimand the bully, just to limit future bullying. For example, there is a special seat on our bus for bullies and the bully just gets on the bus and is directed to that particular seat.
mamark39610.1163425926[QUOTE=bebop]Apparently this kid's parents are rude and ignorant[/QUOTE]
Clearly.
We have taught our daughter to be nice to everyone. She goes by the golden rule: Do onto others as you wish to be done onto you.
Fortunately we don't have the social issues that I have heard of on here. Our daughter is a little immature for her age in ways but she is also gifted with an extensive vocabulary and a VERY kind child. She sticks up for herself and others when it needs to be done though. She has never allowed another child to be picked on in her presence. This is something that we have always strained to her. She does not get physical but she does let others know her opinion and will go to a teacher if she feels that it is necessary. But then again she is only 9. She is also a tomboy and hangs around mostly boys, which are usually less mature than girls at this age.
We have also taught our daughter that she is always to stick up for herself. Not to put up with bullying. We are a military family and she is exposed to all types of children and we know that the day will come that someone will try and start a fight with her. I know it is against most people's views but we have told her that if someone hits her and there is not a teacher around she is to fight back. On the other hand she knows that she is not under any circumstances to start a fight or egg one on. But if she is defending herself we will stand by her 100%. We will not tolerate her being bullied and unfortunately once these children learn your child will not fight back they will continue bullying you, my husband learn this the hard way as a child.
We do not encourage violence in any way but we want our daughter to have a safe and happy childhood and know right from wrong and to stand up for people that are weaker or afraid.
I guess what I'm saying is that maybe your son should stand up to this kid. Not fighting but to let him know that he doesn't appreciate the way he talks to him and that he doesn't want to be his friend as long as he's like that, and eventually others won't as well.
I think I'm more of this school of thought. People can change. It just requires grand effort, not to mention a willingness & desire--what do they say--
Example, Not Promotion
--anyway, being positive
is ALWAYS sage advice. And I'm just as cynical as I am optimistic, LOL.
I do agree with terrie that people can change... but not overnight. I encourage my dd to stay away from the mean kid indefinitely because it could take years for her to turn around. One big mistake my dd made with a "best friend, turned enemy" is that she kept giving her chances over and over again. The girl continured to bully her in a very public way. Finally, I had to forbid my dd to contact the girl and to avoid her at school. Dd didn't invite her to her party. Guess what? The girl stopped attacking dd! I think she respected that dd wasn't going to be a punching bag for her any longer. The girl needed natural consequences rather than unconditional friendship. The girls say "Hi" to each other in the halls at school but there is no out-of-school friendship. My daughter sees her being abusive to another girl so she feels that the bullying could start again if she lets her get close to her again.
I do think this girl might change because she was such a nice kid before 5th grade when she started trying to hang out with the most popular girls. She also has a very nice mother. But dd isn't waiting for her to change. She's favoring her loyal buds. We say that the mean girl is going through a "prolonged mean phase". I don't want my dd to get too negative. I tell her to wear a smile and she will feel more happy and people will be kind in return.
Plan you're own event for your son. Make it more geared toward his interests, so although it hurts not to be invited to the party, if he had a choice without the politics, he would have chosen your activity over the party. You can't change those people, so beat them at their game.Last day of school, everyone's excited and one boy says to my son "I'm having an end of school party and you're not invited. My parents don't like you." These are 12 yearolds so it's not like they don't know better - well, some people never know better. My son's feelings were hurt, not because he likes the kid because he does not, but his friends are going. The only solution I can think of is to poison the kid. Any thoughts?
That is terrible! Let your son know he isn't alone. My DS is 12 and he has had a terrible year dealing with rotten kids. His feelings have been hurt so many times this year. I'm just floored at how cruel kids are. I'm even more floored with many of the parents - unfortunately many of these mean kids are learning the behavior from their parents.
Yme!, the kids you describe sound like the ones where we live! Maybe it is the age. I have been blaming it on where we live (we are new here and I'm apalled at the behavior of the children in my son's grade.) but maybe it is the age (or maybe you live in my school district
).
Hope you find something special to do with your son!
Who would want to go to his party anyways! I'd rather go to a party for nice kids. You should have your own party and please invite me! I'd love to attend and bring my son.Please tell you son that we're thinking about him and wishing that he has a wonderful summer vacation!
Ignorant people tend to grow ignorant kids. I'm so angry at that kid's parents! I say go for the parents if you're going to poison anyone, then maybe the kid still has a chance to develop into a decent human!!!
I agree with Corrina, plan something else for him and any of his friends that might not want to go to the other thing. Even better if it's out of town, away from the other "do". 12 is old enough for kids to start making those tough character building calls about going with the crowd or sticking with your friends.
I'm so sorry for your son. Parenting can be so painful.
BPQW39605.3788194444Exactly, good advice. His friends are all going, even tho several of them have said they don't like this kid, who brags all the time and makes racist remarks. But of course, the kid has a huge house, no adult supervision and everything any kid could want, so they want to go. It disgusts me.It sounds like all kids that age act like that perhaps. My son's friends are all rude, obnoxious, have $$$, big homes, no supervision, and racist/ignorant parents. Must be sign of the times (or geography?)However, your choice of words should be more carefully worded. Poisoning a child (although we know you were just venting) is not something to kid about. Even if the child is awful. Children aren't done yet, and just like a sour unripe piece of fruit, it takes time to mature.
I would plan something and invite everyone if you can manage it and invite the kid that didn't invite yours. the parents probaly won't let him come but at least you and your son can be the "bigger" people.
In the long run, your son will be better off without a "friend" like that. I do undertand the heartbreak you feel as well as his disappointment. 
This, too, will pass.
It sounds like the parents are setting the stage for problems with their DS by having no supervision in the home and giving the child anything he could want. Look out for the upcoming teen years! Certainly, I am not a perfect parent, but jeez - common sense should prevail.
#1.) Let your child read this stuff & anything on line about bullying so he may see he is SO NOT ALONE. My brilliant, beautiful & sensitive daughter deals with this FREQUENTLY.
#2.) Wyatt's Mom's idea ROCKS. I would absolutely choose this time for piracy of the normal non-a-hole students of trailer-trash parents to invite to your better & bigger party (or whatever) especially seeing that this ignorant child obviously has incredibly weak cowardly parents as the child couldn't even hold up his own insult & had to blame his parents for "not liking" your son, or vice-versa--how utterly spineless--may you run screaming from that nightmare altogether. Unless this other boy is literally mentally retarded, that lack of tact makes me curious as to why your son is fond of him. Perhaps I misunderstod.
Buona fortuna, bella--this is actually a wonderful opportunity to show all the kids that bullying is nothing to be ashamed of & does NOT discriminate. God bless you.