My son is only almost 4, and no, he has never been diagnosed w/ ADHD. But he has all the temperaments of kids w/ ADHD (not necessarily hyperactive). I was recently diagnosed w/ ADHD inattentive type by a psychiatrist (along w/ bipolar II), so I'm all too familiar w/ temper issues... He was diagnosed w/ Sensory Processing Disorder (mainly tactile), but I'm not so sure if this is causing his problem behaviors. So, my question is, what type of discipline works for your child?
I read the marble method. He loves playing w/ small stuff like that, and he'll claim all of them his to play with (he actually already has marbles that he plays with).
Money - Since he loves money so much, I used it pretty much like the marble method, and it worked for a while but lost its effect. And this seems to be the trend here - something works for a while, then it stops working.
Timeouts don't work - I have to physically hold him while he writhes to get out. He'll usually get a couple of good scratches, and it won't even accomplish the purpose of time out (cool off, etc).
No spanking - no debates please.
1-2-3 Magic - I have to take away things from him instead of timeouts (doesn't really understand priviledges yet - it has to be something immediate). So when there's nothing to take away, or I'm not quick enough to come up w/ something, I wind up counting many times, and it loses its effect. Plus, we can go on and on until he has nothing left - he is very persistent. Timeout in his room wound up w/ his room all wrecked.
I do pick my battles, and I chose to only fight very important ones. He would get such tunnel vision (not the best word to describe it) and won't take no for an answer, and this usually escalates to me losing my temper (still working out my perfect meds) or him losing his temper.
He is actually very smart for his age according to all the professionals we saw (at 5-6yo level). He figures out how to manipulate people to get what he wants, and he wants to be in charge.
So how do I stop his bad behaviors? I'm running out of ideas!
KatieM39605.6915393519You've tried some real creative ways to deal with him and you've had limited success. I would see a child psychologist to brain-storm your child's particular situation. Oppositional behavior as a 4 year old can become a nightmare in the teens if it is not contained in the early years. This is what our child psychologist told us. She couldn't stand seeing a teen to be "fixed" after years of bad habits. She said that it was usually too late.
What works for us is tons of praise for when things are going well. We use a sticker chart and after enough stickers are accumulated they can go to the treasure box. One of my dd's was very oppositional at 4 and I used natural consequences a lot at that time. I had to let her go out without mittens and wear shorts in the winter. When she wouldn't come to dinner, we'd let her come late and we'd have a grand time playing a game in an adjoining room while she ate her cold meal alone. The natural consequences worked instantaniously whereas my nagging could go on for months. Sometimes I had to be firm like forcing her to take a 45 minute nap. If she didn't fall asleep she could get up at that time. Generally she needed the nap. I'd have to go with her to make sure that it happened. I'll never forget the time she insisted that I wipe her bottom (she knew how to do it) while I was reading to my other daughter. She ended up air-drying. We shut the door and kept reading loudly over the screams. I wouldn't want to go back to 4 again. Now she is still strong-willed but she uses it appropriately through discussion. She doesn't follow the crowd at school. She's considered mature.
One thing that is really important is consistency. Even if you don't feel like you are accomplishing anything. The repetition eventually works with most kids. If you allow him to break a rule sometimes, but not other times, he will keep trying to get away with the behaviour.
We've never spanked and my kids don't hit so I would not be one to advise spanking. It wasn't an option for us.
I think you've been doing a great job already, you just need some professional help. There might be some behaviors that are beyond his control that you need to understand. For example, both my girls couldn't "get dressed for bed and brush you're teeth." The attention issues made them either forget multistep commands or they'd get distracted on the way to their pajamas. Yelling at them didn't work. Tools around the issues worked. This takes a lot of time but if you work with a professional you can start picking at the worst behaviours and gradually shape him a bit.
You're son's behavior is very common. You have to stay consistent though. It may not seem to work right away but as long as you keep with it you will see results. You may want to make a list of rules with the concequences for disobeying and the rewards for following them. I know he is 4 and probably cannot read yet but you could use pictures or read them to him. It gets frustrating trying to find a discipline system that works.
We do spank, I know this is controversial. However, my daughter is now 9 and hasn't been spanked for almost a year and we only use it for the absolute WORST behaviors. We have rarely ever had to do it and have the rule that if you are angry you do not spank but it worked for her. All parents have different methods of disciplining though. Our doctor was the one that told me that I should probably start spanking her, open handed, fully clothed, on the bottom. I've never left a mark but she has always learned her lesson. This is our way though. You have to find what works for your son and stick with it. Don't let him sucker you or make you feel bad (and he will). Don't give in.
Thanks! I've always wondered why I don't get too many (if at all) responses when I post my issues, so I kind of figured that he's not very typical.
We've done sticker charts but he would wind up putting stickers on all the squares. LOL. See what I mean by picking my battles? I didn't want to start a fight about stickers, so I just let him have at it. Maybe I'll try again with a dry erase board and a written star, out of his reach but where he can see it.
I think I'm going to try more of the natural consequence approach. It was 90+ degrees and humid the other day, and he insisted on wearing a long-sleeve shirt (he did put shorts on). I reminded him throughout the day that long-sleeve shirts were hot, but it didn't bother him. I guess I'll need to be a bit more clever.
I think I'm going to see a child psychologist if things don't improve by the time he has to go back to school.
Thanks again for your response!
Remember that your son is young and it will take a lot of repetition to get him to act the way you want to. My son is 6, and at this point I don't have to discipline him even half as much as I had to when he was 4. At this point rewards mean something, and he can work toward his goal. I will say that at 4 any containment, like going to his room or standing in a corner, didn't work at all - he couldn't stand not being able to move around freely. Also, it helps if he knows what the consequences are going to be. So using multiple techniques can backfire - it's better just to stick with whatever works so your son can predict outcomes and decide how he wants to act based on them.
Katie M,
I don't necessarily think that your son is that different than most kids. You would know better than I as you observe your child compared the behavior of other kids. Trust your instincts and talk to the adults that work with him. It does sound like he is very strong-willed and not the easiest kid on the block to discipline. Many kids go through a really challenging phase at 2, 3 or 4 and parenting can be extremely challenging and then they turn out fine in the end. The things that your mom or friends use won't necessarily work. I don't feel that parenting is inate or easy. I liked having a real pro to talk to when my dd was 4. I had friends try to reassure me that "this too shall pass" but I'm not much of a "wait and see" person so I felt better trying to understand this daughter a lot better by seeing a child psychologist. Sometimes the psychologist helped me feel more confident in what I was already doing and sometimes she gave me some fresh ideas. After seeing her, I felt that I was doing everything that I could to help my dd fit in better when she headed off to school. If you keep coming up with fresh ideas, there is nothing wrong with giving it a little more time before consulting a pro. I do like your idea of drawing the "stickers". We started that a while ago when we ran out fo stickers.
Terry