Help me help him.... | ADHD Information
oh boy SO been there. Pick one thing and one thing only and work on that. It's all so overwhelming. I found slowly climbing out of that hole helped. We want to change it ALL. You can't. Pick one behavior at a time. Try to get some time for yourself. You can't help him until you help yourself.................
Oh and you are FAR from a horrible mother
Oh hon - we have sooooo been there. At my lowest I actually told my mother I didn't have what it took to raise this kid - and that he would be better off with someone else. It can be such a struggle just to get thru every day - I know, believe me I know. I have cried many rivers, and logged many hours on my knees in prayer just begging for it all to go away and for us to be a "normal" family.
Hang in there. Breathe deep. Like Diane said - pick one thing at a time and try not to look at the whole. You can't change, or deal with it all in one night - it is going to take a lot of time, and you can only take one step at a time. Some days will be better than others - I know you already know that - I have read your posts. Hold tight to your sanity - even when it is hard - and come here to lean on us - we are here for you. Vent as much as you want or need to - we have all walked in your shoes - and we will hold you up thru this trying time.
Your family will be in my prayers.
Lots of hugs being sent your way.Thank you so much! It means more than I can say to know that someone else knows what it's like to be me. I know I'll get thru it, I always do, but summers are SO hard. And I lose it every year.
Please keep praying for me. It's going to be a LONG summer..
Oh sweetie we all know how you feel we have all been there at one point or another. Just keep your head up!! Pick your battles. Let the little things slide off your back (I know it's easier said than done, I still have problems with that).
Is there anyone you can send your boys for the day or night or even the weekend so that you can get some time for yourself. Maybe get some extra sleep, take a nice long bath, or just even veg on the couch and watch some TV. You need to take care of you as well. Do something nice for yourself and it will help renew your energy a little.
Just take it one behavior and day at a time and you will get through it. It won't always be easy but you can do it. Just stay strong! Just take a few deep breathes!
We are here for you!
Man, I am just at a bad place right now. Will is just so mean, defiant, smart mouthy and every other negative word I can think of right now. I am so tired.. So tired of trying my best to help him only to have him blow it all up.
He is so ugly right now that I just want to get in the van and leave!
The dr said we needed to do a marble system with him. find any and all things to praise him.. I'm SO tired that I cannot even make a chart up for him. much less praise him for things. I don't even know where to start or how to make one for our home. I just want someone else to do it and to start me doing it.
But right now, I just want to push a button and MAKE him behave. I don't think I've ever felt so low, helpless and hopeless in my whole life..
Does any of this make any sense? How do I start over with him? How do I find the energy to want to help him again.. I know I sound like the most horrible mother in the world, and that's how I feel but I don't want to be like this.. I love my boys more than anything else in the world. I'm just in such a really place spot..
Thanks for letting me vent....
My son does astoundingly well when he has specific guidelines to work for and isn't afraid of being disciplined for slipping up. Through yesterday he's had a perfect week at school - no reminders at all. I didn't think it was physically possible for him.
But, oh lord, getting there was so hard. It's the disbelief thing that we kept running up against. No one thought it would work, so no one really tried and stuck to it. And, lo and behold, once everyone got on board, it worked.
What happened was the school focused on one behavior that was simply unacceptable - my son would leave his classroom without telling the teacher.
(He did that because the school said he could go for a motor break whenever he wanted and forgot to tell him he'd have to tell the teacher when he did even though his lack of executive skills [like figuring out he should tell the teacher even though he wasn't told to] is extremely well documented, but I digress.)
This was freaking out the school - the principal would go on the intercom through the entire school telling him to go back to class, trying to humiliate him into submission. It didn't work. Guess what did. First, we had a talk about what the rules were and how important it was for him to follow them. Then I repeated that conversation until I could have said it in a coma. Then we got every person we could find at the school to help him remember to tell the teacher instead of disciplining him when he didn't. And it was like we flipped a light switch.
Once we got that one success, we used it as an example for another behavior we wanted him to change. He got that set, and we went after another. And another. And another. Until he, somehow, turned into a model student. Go figure.
So, to recap our success steps, 1) we believed he could do it 2) we picked one very black and white frequent behavior to start with 3) we capitolized on that success.
I'm not sure exactly what you're going through. And I'm sure I made that sound so much easier than you think it could be. But once we got that momentum going in the right direction, he did spectacularly.
Hang in there. Kids love to do the right thing. You'll turn him around.
Maybe this won't help but canhe help make the chart? Will he calm down enough to do it? Wyatt made his own and it made him proud and excited to use it. Big hugs to you! Please know it will get better because he has a mom who loves him!Good point! If you can involve your son in the process he might be more willing to put the energy into reaching his goals. Same with rewards - let him pick the reward and he'll be more motivated to reach it.Been there on multiple occasions - most recently last fall. I agree with Diane - pick only one thing to work on. It's just too overwhelming and harder to follow through with when the list is long. Just keep it simple. Our charting was a simple piece of paper on the fridge and we recorded a tally for what ever we were working on at the time.Hang in there.
Oh believe me, in January I could have written your post. I was to my wits end with my dd. I didn't think I could handle ONE more day. And then we started behavior modification therapy. I thought it was a crock of $hit at first, but now I am a believer.
I have done charts in the past that have never worked. So when our therapist told us to start with a chart I almost laughed and was very pessimistic about it. We focused on ONE simple behavior. Everyday she would get one small immediate reward, (for doing the behavior 4 times per week...we may have started out with 3) and then we did a long-term reward such as Build-A-Bear.
IT WORKS! I cannot tell you what a believer I am now. Behavior therapy has been the best thing for us. The best thing about it, is that once they continue to do it it becomes a habit for them. My daughter used to wake in the morning and go downstairs and get into EVERYTHING! The frst thing we focused on her chart was coming straight into my bedroom every morning to let me know she was awake (if she woke before me, which she usually does.) She got a piece of bubble gum (that she picked out). Today she still does it...it's just become a habit.
Sorry this got long, but maybe this is something you could consider doing? Good luck, I know where you are at right now.
I have been there too! In fact not so long ago. I was wondering if your son is on medication? We discovered that the medication my son was on seemed to make him into a monster. He had the same problems that you discribed your son having. God knows that he isn't a perfect angel any way, but after two months on this medication it really started to change his personallity. We are in the process of getting him into a pediatrician who speciallizes in adhd. Any way I just wanted to let you know in case this might pertain to you. Hold on there. It won't last forever. Good luck.
Thank you all so much for replying and making me feel SO much better.
We did start the reward chart last night. We made it up as a family, with my DH on board, which is different , and the boys (Will and one 6yr old non ADHD) were able to start earning last night. They had about 3 hours to earn tokens before bed, as a practice drill, without losing. This morning, we started off SO much better, they both lost a few tokens but took it very well and were able to earn some back.
My MIL picked them up right before lunch today so I have had a break, and it's been great! 
I just hope that this lasts.. Every time we try these things, they seem to fall apart after a few days.. I will try harder this time though..
Thanks for the replies!!
Oh, he is medicated and he is trying some different meds but I'm trying not to jump and say that the med is causing the change.. I think it's slowly been going on for a while..
Wilsmama,
I agree with the other posters about making sure that you have time to yourself. You need time away from him to 'miss him' and keep your love alive.
He sounds just like my guy but there's some details missing. Has he always been this way or did his attitude suddenly or gradually change? The reason I ask is to see if the attitude is associated to either internal or external influences.
External: Recent change in meds or perhaps a need to increase meds. Is the pressure of all the reports and test associated with the end of school taking a toll?
Internal: Has your child's weight increase significantly since last med change and/or is he approaching puberty?
If he is using meds, they often bring out the best and the worst in kids. The worst usually appears in the evening when they're tired, at home and rebounding from there morning meds. They also seem very comfortable venting and yelling at us but not at other people. I consider that a back-handed compliment since it means that they feel safe at home and are able to let it all hang out.
I guess the bottom line is...call the doctor NOW and together evaluate if his current treatment is still effective or needs to be updated.
Good luck....you can affect change, ya just gotta find the right knob to turn.
Paul
[QUOTE=Willsmama]
Man, I am just at a bad place right now. Will is just so mean, defiant, smart mouthy and every other negative word I can think of right now. I am so tired.. So tired of trying my best to help him only to have him blow it all up.
He is so ugly right now that I just want to get in the van and leave!
The dr said we needed to do a marble system with him. find any and all things to praise him.. I'm SO tired that I cannot even make a chart up for him. much less praise him for things. I don't even know where to start or how to make one for our home. I just want someone else to do it and to start me doing it.
But right now, I just want to push a button and MAKE him behave. I don't think I've ever felt so low, helpless and hopeless in my whole life..
Does any of this make any sense? How do I start over with him? How do I find the energy to want to help him again.. I know I sound like the most horrible mother in the world, and that's how I feel but I don't want to be like this.. I love my boys more than anything else in the world. I'm just in such a really place spot..
Thanks for letting me vent....
[/QUOTE]First of all, I would say that any mother here could understand, and has been where you are. Myself included. You are not the most horrible mother in the world: you are human. Take a deep breath and realize that you aren't alone.
I have read the marble thing briefly, and to be quite honest, I don't think it would work with my child. It takes too long to get a reward. He needs instant gratification.
In all honesty, this is what I would do: catch him in the act of doing ANYTHING correctly. Say "good job!" The more positive that you are with him, the better his self esteem will be. WHICH IS CRUCIAL. The better his self esteem, the nicer he will become. You need to show him as much pure love as possible. No matter how much you want to do the opposite. Stop catching him in the act of doing things incorrectly. Literally walk away and take a breath. The more he hears: you are doing YET ANOTHER THING WRONG, the more he will hate himself, and you.
You need to consider that he may be "mirroring" behaviors. Which means that if you show anger, he mirrors this. If you show love, he will calm down a bit. The more loved a child feels, the more stable and secure they feel. The better they feel about themselves and the better chance you have to fix things.
Start by removing all negative words from your vocabulary. For example, instead of saying: don't do that, say: If you did ___ this way, you would be able to do it more quickly. (just an example... be creative) Use positive words to correct negative behavior. Use a happy tone of voice at all times, if you can. (I know you are rolling your eyes right now, but you need to do some love overkill right now to back-peddle from what you are dealing with. Once you have him feeling better about himself, you can point out things more frequently and by then you will have the positive encouragement down pat.
Also, you sound like you are suffering from depression. Please get help for yourself. If you don't take care of your child's mom, who will take care of them? You and your whole family would benefit from counseling. Find out why he is acting the way he is. Why you are feeling so low, etc. This is a family "disease" in that no one in the family is immune to behavior as opposed to when someone has a physical ailment. (for example, if someone takes a cholesterol medication to lower cholesterol--it wouldn't even be noticed by the family dynamic. Behavior type medical issues ie mental "illnesses" are felt throughout the family.)
Make sure he is on the correct medication. Make sure he isn't being abused verbally or otherwise by anyone in his life.
Once you have the basics+ mentioned above taken care of, check back with us and see if there is anything else that we can do for you.
You are amongst those who get you, who care and understand.
We have a couple of things going on here. 1st I had to stop yelling. That was hard. Then we made a chart for everyday chores in the am and he gets pirates money (gold coins) that transfer into money at the end of the week. He pretty much has that down. Next we addressed his behaivior/ respect problems by telling him if he could go 10 days of being good(maybe less for you) he could earn an electric guitar (not expensive one). He wanted that guitar soooo bad. it has been 12 days and he is sooo much better. like Diane said pick 1 behaivior at a time and bribe and praise like crazy. good luck to you. Now we know he can do it he he he .
(hugs) Can't add much more but to tell you to take time for yourself. Sometimes I Just grab the dog and go for a walk. It's tough when my husband is working, my son is home and in one of his moods. You do have to try to be calm - not easy - I'm working on that one.
You are far from being a bad mother. there have been times when my son has been so bad and raging that I just wanted to run away.
Thanks everyone!
Things are a little better already.. We did start the chart thing Thursday night and they were both quick to earn some tokens. Friday went pretty good as well. Saturday, I went shopping and things weren't so good when I got back. He started slipping yesterday and said he didn't care about the dumb chart. Which is where I figured we'd go, but I'm not going to give up just yet. I'm going to find anything he's doing right and reward him right away. Maybe he'll earn enough tokens to do something special tomorrow.
This week they are in VBS so I am having a break. Surely I can handle them when they get home..
That's too funny!! I do the same thing to Will AND my husband!!