Why does our 20 year old daughter lie? | ADHD Information

Your daughter sounds like a sweetie, who has worked very, very hard to overcome obstacles. 

I can only guess as to the lying, based on what I've experienced with my DS, who has struggled with ADHD and mounting pressures in school, home, etc.  He is now 16, has lied over the years, and now when he tells DH and I something, we never know if it's (as you outlined above) a, b, or c.  We do call him on the lying and then when there is an instance where he is practically pleading for us to believe him, I remind him that it is difficult to trust him, since he has many times been caught lying. 

My thoughts - I believe it may be a way to compensate when he feels inadequate and also I've thought this is his way of (temporarily, until he's caught lying) trying to avoid feeling stressed out further in school and at home; an escape.  I am amazed at how well he carries it off sometimes, as when I look back at his behavior after the fact, I marvel at how he fooled me!  This lying bothers me a lot, too. 

I wish I could be of more help.  I am also struggling with what to do to help DS.  Good luck to you.

This totally reminds me of a girl I went to school with.  She lied about everything, every day.  One time someone said, "She lies because she has no friends."  I responded, "She has no friends because she lies."

It really made us all think about the motivation behind the lying and the fact that the lies don't necessarily bring about the desired results.  I hope the counselor can get to the bottom of that with her - to show her how the lying is affecting her relationships with people negatively.

You might also want to share with her how it makes you feel - that the lying damages your relationship, it doesn't enhance it no matter what her intentions are. 

Good luck with it.

when people lie about little things, such as liking a flavor of icecream they actualy hate, or having seen a movie they've never even heard of, they often don't realize it. They do it to relate to the person they are talking to and facilitate a conversation, they often aren't even thinking about the lie.

 

when it comes to bigger lies there are generally two reasons one, because lying is exciting to them, the same way stealing is exciting to some people, lying is exciting to others. the other reason is that people often want there lie to be true, and having someone else believe it as truth is as close as they are going to get to it being true.

 

Try and think about what types of things your daughter lies about and if the lie was premeditated.

 

I really hope the therapy, and this post, help!!!!!!!!!

We have a 20 year old daughter who was diagnosed at 16 years old with severe ADHD and a non-verbal learning disorder. She has worked very hard to try and overcome these disabilities but it has always been a challenge to keep all of her energy directed in positive ways. She is sweet, helpful, smart and loves her family. The problem has been that since she was a little girl she has lied. Not about other people, about things having to do with herself. Some things are exaggerations and others..well who knows where the heck they came from? Sometimes she is such a good liar and you think, "she is one smart cookie, she's manipulating me (us)". Other times, the lie is so glaringly obvious that you wonder why in the world she keeps insisting it's true.

She called us a month and a half ago from college and told us that she felt something was really wrong with her brain. That she's not like the other kids. She asked if she could see a counselor. I was proud of her when she was actually able to stay focused and found a therapist near her. I could see that she really meant it. Since then, she has impressed me with the skills that she has learned, both in anger management and trying to understand social situations better. I know that she is both desperate and determined. She said that she feels she has "hope" now. I never knew that she didn't have hope before. My heart aches for her in her struggle.

The thing that is so frustrating is that you never know if the story she is telling you is:

a) basically true but with inaccuracies

b) a total fabrication

c) the truth

And it is the motivation behind the lying that I am trying to understand. When she is caught lying she will give me this long drawn out rationalization of why she did it. Is the explanation itself true? Is she desperately trying to piece things together in her head as she speaks? Or is it manipulation?

I don't understand why she does it. We love her so much but the lying drives me nuts.

Can anyone please help us understand this?

P.S. I met the counselor...that part is true..